AN: Hello! Ok, gonna stop promising regular updates, clearly I suck. LOL Much love to my beta's for making my words pretteh, and to my bb AngelcDevil for the shiny new summery.

Chapter 21

Hey Soul Sister

You see, I can be myself now finally,

In fact there's nothing I can't be.

I want the world to see you here with me…

The way you move ain't fair you know,

Hey, soul sister

I don't wanna miss

A single thing you do

Tonight.

-Train

BPOV

Slowly winter gave way to spring. The snow and ice that had coated the ground since October revealed what it had been hiding. The valley came alive with bright green grass and wildflowers—namely the tiny white edelweiss we drew our name from. From above, it no doubt looked like there was still snow on the ground, because the flowers were so thick. Every spare corner of the palace was covered in them.

The past six months had been hard to say the least. As soon as the court reassembled after the Christmas holidays, I sought out Jacob. He had been thrilled to hear that I had changed my mind on our possible arrangement. We made our public debut at a formal event shortly after the new year's. Since then things had been surprisingly easy on that front. Arrogant, rude, obnoxious Jacob had not reared his head. When he was sweet, personable Jacob, I found spending time with him easy.

Of course, I was still wholly devoted to Edward. Every spare, private moment I had I could be found with him, and of course, I spent every night in his arms. Edward had gone on a musical writing spree over the last several months, adding five new compositions to his repertoire, and I knew he was still working on several more. He had debuted my lullaby, under a different name, to tremendous applause and acclaim. He had some records sent back to several of his instructors from Juilliard who had told him it was his best work yet. There were quite a few people who asked him if there was a certain inspiration for the piece. Each time he told them he had simply worked on it until it came to him. If I was in the room, he would shoot me a discreet smile. I was unbelievably proud of him.

Of course, because of my relationship with Jacob, he no longer came openly to my apartment, nor did he accompany me to any events. Jacob now filled my role of escort. I would see Edward there and we would have to maintain a brief, friendly, but not too friendly, conversation. It was unbelievably hard to not lean against him or take his hand. Our plans so far had worked. No one suspected what Edward and I truly felt for each other or what we got up to in the dark of night. I missed the easy openness from before, but we're both committed to making sure that no one found out about us before we were ready.

As it was, our time together had been reduced to evenings when I could get out of any obligations and nights. It wasn't enough, and both of us thought so. Gone were walks in the park or sitting in the music room and watching him compose. It truly felt like we were living in two different worlds. I had come to value our little bit of time together much more than I would have anywhere else. I missed it during the days, which led me to blow up at Rosalie and Alice one afternoon.

To be honest it had already been a bad day. Court had been long, and Phil as pompous as ever. This particular day Renee had been under the weather so Phil had had absolute control. That was part of the problem, protocol would've dictated that it passed to me as heir, but Phil had hamstrung the lords into giving it to him. That had already ticked me off.

Then all of the court was there— including Edward and Jacob. It was always hard to be in a situation like that. I was always more comfortable around Edward, and I had to work to keep that from showing. From my seat, I could also watch Emmett and Rosalie. Since we had come back from Crépuscule they have been very open about their relationship. It was partially to keep the attention off of Edward and I, and then just because they could. They had created some waves, and Lady Hale was furious, but everyone mostly expected Rose to do things like that. I had already explained to Rose that I was jealous of her and that hadn't changed, if anything it had gotten worse. I was stuck in a fauxmance, while she was happy-go-lucky with her boyfriend. That day all the stress came to a boiling point.

"What a jerk," Alice muttered when we got back to my rooms. "You should have been given control of Court and Phil just took it. I can't believe the Lords let him do that. Father was rather shocked as well."

"Seventy-five percent of the Lords like Phil, Alice," Rose told her, even though Alice already knew this. "Your father is an odd duck in that group."

"I realize that, Rose." Alice groaned. "I just didn't realize that they would be that blunt about it."

Rose had been about to say something, and I couldn't handle it any longer. "Could you please just shut up?" Afterward I pointedly ignored them and went back to the mail I'd been going through.

"Who put your panties in a twist?" Rosalie asked. She was studying me with her sharp violet eyes. I was fairly certain that she already knew the real problem, but I was unwilling to admit it.

"Nothing, Rose. I'm just tired." It was the truth. I had been waking up a lot in the night. I had even woken Edward up a couple of times. I knew he was worried about me. I had no idea what was wrong with me. I couldn't remember what I was dreaming about or what woke me up. Just that I did with an odd sense of heartbreak. It would take me hours to get back to sleep, and by then, it was too late. It would be time to begin the day. I was a powder keg waiting to go off. At least it was in private when I finally did.

"Well something seems to be your problem. You've been in a bad mood for weeks now." Rosalie had her arms crossed over her chest, staring down at me. "Come on and get it out. You're obviously mad at something."

Rosalie's annoying, superior tone was grating on my nerves, and with the mood I was in, that was just the spark I needed. "I don't know, Rosalie? Maybe it's you I'm mad at. If you would stop showing off every single time you went out with Emmett, I might feel a lot better." I didn't know what was wrong with me, but it was coming out now. This wouldn't be the first time Rosalie and I had fought, but it may have been the worst.

"Oh good God, Bella." Rosalie rolled her eyes. "You are not back on this whole jealousy kick are you? If so, it's ridiculous. You have no reason to be jealous of me, or Emmett, or anyone else for that matter. Now would you please stop whining? That's all you've done for months now."

"Rose," Alice chastised.

"You can hardly talk, Rosalie Hale. If you don't get your way every time, then you throw a fit until you do." I stood up and my voice rose. "You're selfish, petty, and dense. I don't think you can tell me not to whine. You're able to do what you want, when you want, where you want, and how you want. I don't know if you realize this, but you're pretty damn lucky."

"Oh, come off it, Bella." Rosalie almost shouted. "You really are a brat sometimes. You're always complaining about being a princess and how you liked it so much better in America. Emmett and I went public to keep the attention off of you. I think a simple thank you would be in order."

I gasped, rendered speechless for a moment. She was right. I was always complaining about something or another. Was I really that bad? I hadn't ever thought about it, but she was right. I thought I was so much better than everyone else. Like Rosalie said, I was a little brat. I was still jealous of her, but the anger I had directed at her turned inward. I sank into the chair I had previously vacated and felt the cold sting of tears in my eyes. "It's been six months and nothing has changed. I don't know what to do and I'm sorry."

Rosalie surprised me by sitting next to me and pulling me into a hug. "I'm sorry too. I shouldn't have called you a brat, because you're not, no matter what I may say. I know this is probably hard, but hang in there. It will be worth it even if I have to beat a bitch to do it. You and Edward deserve it."

I laughed shakily when she threatened anyone who stood between Edward and I. I caught a few stray tears from my cheeks. "Thanks. I don't know what's wrong with me. Everything seemed to come crashing down at the same time."

"Well, I know the problem. You really are tired, more than tired—you're exhausted. Have you even really been sleeping?"

Alice had now joined us by sitting on my other side. "You usually sleep like a rock. It's odd for you not to."

I shrugged. Their guess as to what was wrong with me was as good as mine. "I don't know. I wake up and can't get back to sleep. Edward says I toss and turn a lot too."

"Well, I think you two need a holiday," Alice announced. "You haven't been able to get out since Christmas. I think that's part of the problem."

"Alice, they can't be seen together," Rose said dryly. "That's part of the problem."

"Trust me." Alice rolled her eyes playfully. "This weekend Bella and Edward are going on a holiday, and no one will be the wiser.

Alice was a genius, I decided. She had convinced Jasper to loosen my security so it was just her and Jasper. She had then woken me up early in the morning and smuggled me out of the Palace and into the upper countryside. No one would know we were up here together and there was no one else up here but us—with the exception of Jasper and Alice who were keeping their distance. The sun was shining, the breeze was cool, and everything was beautiful. I couldn't have asked for a better day. For the first time since January, I felt like I could breathe easily.

Edward was lying in the grass while I sat, leaning against his propped up legs. I was pretending to read, while in fact, I was watching him. His eyes were closed, and his hands were behind his head in the prefect sleeping position. His red-brown hair was set off by the clear green grass. His hair caught every gleam of the sun bringing the strands to life with individual highlights of red, brown, and even some gold. The breeze blew through his hair and the grass, guaranteeing the fact that he would have grass in his hair all day—not that I minded.

"What are you looking at?" he asked without opening his eyes.

"I'm not looking at anything. I'm reading."

His lips turned up in a devilish grin. "No, you're not."

"How would you know?" I smirked back at him. "Your eyes have been closed for the past ten minutes."

He finally opened his eyes and the green orbs matched the green of the grass underneath him. "Bella, I've been listening. You haven't turned a page in fifteen minutes. So, that's some slow reading you're doing, my love."

I blushed as I always did when he used that nickname. I loved it. It always made me feel warm and fuzzy. He had been using it a lot more recently. I was hoping that it meant something, but I was careful not to push him. He had given his heart away before just to have someone stomp on it. So, I was careful to give him the space he needed. He would say more when he was ready. For now I was simply enjoying being with him.

"Okay, so I haven't been reading." I laughed and placed my book in the bag next to me. "Did you know you have gold in your hair?"

He threw his head back and laughed at my question. It was hilarious evidently, although I didn't know why. His laughter quickly seeped into me and I joined him. I brushed a thick strand of hair behind my ear shyly.

"Yes, I have been told that." He sat up and caught a few strands of my hair in his fingers. "Did you know yours has red in it?"

I blushed and nodded. "So I've been told."

He smiled, leaned forward to brush his lips over mine. His hand cupped my cheek, and he gently pressed his tongue against my lips deepening our kiss and sending shivers up my spine. I held onto his shirt to keep my balance. Otherwise, I was fairly certain I would have fainted.

When he pulled away, I was breathless and gasping. He chuckled lightly and leaned back on to his forearms while I settled against his raised legs. "I've missed that. Why don't we just stay out here for the rest of our lives?"

I laughed. "I'm sure you'll still think that in four months when it's covered in snow again."

He shrugged. "You're probably right about that."

"I've missed it, too," I told him in all seriousness.

He used one of his hands to pull me back on top of him as he laid flat on the grass. I settled on top of him propping myself up on his chest. "Rose told me about your blow up a couple days ago," he murmured.

I groaned. Leave it to Rose to tell Edward that I couldn't handle a little bit of pressure. "Why did she tell you about that?"

"Because she's worried about you, love. To be honest, so am I." He traced the dark lines under my eyes. "You're under a lot of pressure, and you haven't been sleeping well. We're all a little bit worried about you."

I sighed. I wished everyone would stop worrying about me so much. I really wasn't as fragile as they all liked to think. I could take care of myself, and I had done so for a very long time. I would be fine.

Almost as if he could read my mind, Edward chuckled. "You're so stubborn."

I shrugged. "I just don't understand why everyone is so worried about me. Not that much has changed. I'm fine, really."

His eyes told me he didn't believe me. "You're short tempered, you're harsh, and you're moody, which are all things you are not normally. You blew up at Rosalie the other day for no reason. Can you honestly tell me nothing is wrong?"

He was right. I hadn't been myself for months. I just didn't want to tell him why I was afraid. It would either make him sad or make him angry. I sighed and lowered my eyes so that he couldn't see them. My finger picked absentmindedly on his shirt as I told him, "Okay, fine, you're right. I haven't been myself. I've just been a little overwhelmed. It's just, I mean, there's all this stuff with Phil and Renee, and then there's Jacob, who I cannot figure out for the life of me, and then there's you and Alice and Rose, and Jasper. Honestly, I think if I could just sleep through the night just once that would help."

"You were sleeping well last night," he murmured soothingly, brushing hair out of my face.

I finally looked up at him in amusement. "You wore me out the night before. How could I do anything but sleep?"

A light blush crept up his pallid cheeks, although otherwise he seemed rather happy about his accomplishment. He grinned and shrugged. "If I knew it were that easy to get you to sleep, I would have been doing it all along."

I groaned. "God, you are such a guy."

He winked up at me, and I was glad for the mood lightener. "You weren't complaining about that last night."

If I remembered correctly, I hadn't. Instead I had gladly egged him on. He had no idea how much I loved him. I honestly didn't know what I would do without him. He was a shining point of light—my north star—as everything else became dark. I needed him like I needed air to breathe or water to drink. It all sounded a bit over dramatic, even for me, but it was the truth. Hiding it, even from him, was the hardest thing I did.

I leaned down so that I could kiss him. His hands found my waist and flipped us so that we were lying side by side in the grass. I used my free hand to trace his sharp features, while he traced the curve of my lips with his before resting his hand on my neck.

"Talk to me, Bella," he entreated, his eyes full of sympathy, understanding, and something else I couldn't quite put my finger on. "You can't keep all this inside. That's what I'm here for—to listen and talk you through it. Please, Bella. You might even start sleeping better afterward."

I laughed at his hopeful words, but it did sound nice—to have someone to share all this with, and to not have to keep it all inside. If Edward was willing to listen, then I was going to take him at his word and talk his ear off. I laughed shakily as I realized my problem. "I don't know where to start."

He smiled gently and pulled me into his arms, one over my waist, the other cushioning my head. His fingers were tangled in my hair, helping me to keep my calm. We were still on our sides facing each other, and his eyes were studying my face as I spoke. I had learned that this was how he always knew so much about the people around him. He learned to read their faces. I was surrounded not only by the sweet, floral, and fresh scent of the grass and flowers we were laying on, but also his unique woodsy, manly scent. I sighed and relaxed, closing my eyes. Suddenly I felt very safe and protected. There was no one up here but Edward and I. Up here we could do anything we wanted, and I relished it.

"Why don't you start at the beginning," Edward suggested. "Tell me about Renee and Phil."

I sighed. "I hate Phil. I really do. He's taken everything away from me—especially my mother. You don't realize. She's nothing like she used to be. She used to be fun and hair-brained. A little naive perhaps, but she wouldn't have hurt a fly. She wouldn't have let anyone else hurt a fly either—especially if that fly was her daughter."

Edward rolled his eyes. They were hard chips of emerald and filled with protective anger. His arm tightened around my waist, and his face began to turn red. "Is Phil still making derogatory comments toward you?" I sighed and nodded, averting my gaze from his gloriously angry face.

I felt his fingers brush my cheek and looked back up at him. The anger was gone, locked away somewhere where I couldn't see it. The protectiveness was still present, and alongside it was care. I think he thought he had sacred me. In fact I felt oddly cherished as he struggled to control his expression. "I'm sorry," he muttered, tightening his hold around my waist. "I wish there was something I could do to make him stop."

I sighed. "To be honest, it's just something I've learned to live with. I have for a long time now. And no, bashing in his nose with your fist is not going to help."

He chuckled at my observation. "Yes, I see that. It doesn't make stop me from wanting to. Every time I hear or see him let into you, my blood boils. Given the chance, I would gladly still do it."

"Well, please don't," I told him. I smiled to take the edge off of my words. "As much as I would love to watch you do it, I don't want you to be thrown out either."

He grinned. "But, it would be so enjoyable. I really do hate him for the way he treats you. You know that, right?"

I blushed and leaned in to kiss him in order to hide it. "Thank you. It would be easier for you if you didn't."

He shrugged, apparently uncaring. "I don't care. You're more important. Tell me about your mother."

I bit my bottom lip, unsure of how to word this. I played with a button on his shirt to give my eyes and fingers something to focus on. "To someone who doesn't know her, you wouldn't know there was anything wrong. I do though. She's so much quieter than she used to be. She doesn't have an event to be at every night, and she's not as put together either. I mean, she was always disorganized and scatterbrained, but she always knew what she was doing and when she was supposed to do it. Now, it's like something's missing—some important part of her is not there. I'm afraid I'm never going to get her back, Edward. She's my mother. Isn't there supposed to be something I should do?"

I finally looked up at his face. I didn't know what I was supposed to do, or if there was even something I could do. I felt helpless, powerless against the shadows in the dark. I could feel the sting of tears in my eyes and blinked rapidly to keep them from falling. Edward saw through me of course—as he always did. He leaned closer to me and kissed away the stray tears that had fallen against my will. "I'm so sorry, my love," he whispered as I tried to catch my breath. "I wish that I could help, I really do. I'm afraid I have no idea what you should do."

"You are helping." I sniffed and smiled, watery eyed. "You're listening."

He pulled me flush against him while wrapping me in his arms. "Whatever you need, my angel."

"I don't know what I'm going to do." I moaned. "I'll figure something out I suppose."

"I'm sure you will." We stayed there for a while, neither of us feeling the urge to talk. The breeze was chilly, but Edward was warm. I almost feel asleep between the bright sun, strong wind, and Edward. I couldn't have asked for anything else. I hadn't been able to relax this much in months.

Finally I knew the day was getting on and there was still something I wanted to show Edward. I pushed myself off the grass and brushed off the loose blades. Offering Edward my hand I said, "Come on, there's something I want to show you."

Wordlessly, he stood up and followed me as I began to hike up the slope we were on. As we made our way higher up the mountains, the trees grew sparse, clumping together in small stands on either side of the glade. Eventually, even the grass gave way to the gray rock underneath. Edward began to have trouble breathing as we scrambled over the loose, moss covered rock. I wasn't having as much trouble—barely beginning to draw in heaver breaths. On the other hand, I had grown up here in the higher altitude. I was more acclimated to it.

"How much longer?" Edward panted. I turned to find his face red with exertion. He looked ridiculous with his red face and dark orange hair. I clapped my hand over my mouth to hold in a giggle. The beginnings made it out before I could stop, and Edward heard. I just decided to let it out. I almost doubled over laughing until even I was running short of air. He stared at me, still drawing in huge gasping breaths. "You done?" he finally asked.

I tried to regain my breath and nodded. "Yeah, I'm done." I gasped. "Sorry."

He nodded and smiled before sinking down to the rocks underneath our feet. "It's okay. I know it's absurd. I need a minute though."

I sat next to him overlooking the valley. It was spread out like a child's plaything at our feet. Everything was green and white except for the deep blue of the river stretching out like a ribbon. There were tiny brown dots where the streets, towns, and hamlets were. Up above the green valley came the darker green of the forest, the gray of rock, and the white of the snowcapped mountains. Above it all was the beautiful blue of the sky. It was like a postcard, the colors vivid, the edges defined.

"That's beautiful," Edward said after regaining his breath. "It's amazing. I think this is the farthest up I've ever been. The air is really thin. How do you breathe?"

I shrugged. "I've lived up here for most of my life. It's just second nature to me I guess. Grand-pere used to take me up here when he was alive and before he got sick. We've still got about a mile and half to go."

He groaned and buried his head in his hands. "Please say it's not so. I can't breathe, Bella. Really, don't make me."

Grinning, I laid my head on his shoulder. I batted my eyelashes at him in a way that I knew he could never refuse. "Please Edward?" I begged. "I promise I'll make it worth your while."

He looked at me out of the corner of his eyes. "You know it's impossible for me to refuse you, right?"

I bit my lip and nodded. I did indeed know how to get him to do anything I wanted. I tried not to, but I really wanted to go up to the ruins and show them to him. They were one of my favorite places in the world. I had wanted to take him up here since this fall, but with the snow, we couldn't get here. "Come on, it's just over that bunch of trees," I told him, pointing toward the arm of the forest I had noticed earlier.

He rolled his eyes but stood up anyway. "Come on." He took a deep breath, trying to fill his lungs with air and making a dramatic show of it for my benefit. "If you're trying to kill me, we might as well get on with it."

I smiled and took his hand. "I promise I won't kill you. It's not that far. Besides what would I do without you?"

This time I went much slower and tried not to make him as tired. His face was only lightly pink, and I got him to take deeper breaths rather than the short shallow ones he had been doing. It took another twenty minutes with several stops for Edward to catch his breath before I stopped us.

"Tada!" I exclaimed proudly, showing off the mound of seemly ordinary rocks. Some of them were even covered in green moss. "What do you think?"

Edward looked confused and slightly disappointed. His green eyes bounced between me and the pile of rubble I was so clearly so, pleased with. He leaned forward bracing his hands on his knees and tried to breath. "What is it?" he finally asked.

I smiled and pointed up. "Look."

Finally his eyes widened. There, hugging the edge of a steep drop and surrounded by piles of unimpressive gray and white stone, was an old turret still standing tall—if only just barely. There was a small bit of wall standing here or there. When you put everything together and looked at it, you could see the whole picture—it was a ruin. More specifically, it was the ruins of an ancient castle. It was awe-inspiring. The castle had been huge, though now the only piece still standing was a lone, weary looking turret.

"This is." Edward gasped for once in amazement rather than breathlessness. "Amazing. What is it?"

"It's the ruins of the original Palace. It was a castle built in the thirteen hundreds. My family lived in it until the mid-fifteen hundreds. It's been up here ever since," I told him. "It's kind of eerie don't you think?"

"It is." Edward looked like a giddy school boy on a class field trip. He gingerly touched the remains of a low stone wall. He smiled to himself and placed more pressure on the stone. I was fairly certain that if he had more air he would have been giggling.

I took his hand and pulled him toward to the ruins. "Can we go up there?" he asked breathlessly.

I shrugged. "No one even remembers they're up here. We can do what ever we want. I wouldn't suggest going up in the turret, as it's really fragile. Other than that, it doesn't matter." Edward grinned, and with a sudden surge of strength, he pulled me through the ruins.

Edward was fascinated with the piled stones. I hadn't seen him this animated before. Edward was almost bouncing from rock to rock in his excitement. He seemed to have forgotten about the thin air, because he was now pulling me up higher. His eyes were bright with curiosity, and he wanted to inspect every corner. I struggled to keep up with him.

I showed him the few things I knew about the ruins—the kitchens and the turret, which had been the tallest on the castle. I took Edward to the ancient cemetery where many of my ancestors were buried. We also explored on our own, looking at whatever caught our attention. While we were up there, a thick mist began to settle amongst the mountain crags. It hid parts of the ruin from view and completely obscured the valley below. We had to slow down and be careful. Finally we just took a seat on a still standing portion of the low wall.

"You were right." Edward gasped. "This was officially worth it. Thank you."

I blushed under his intense gaze. "You're welcome."

"How did you know all this was up here?" he asked after finally catching his breath.

"I told you, my grandfather used to take me up here." I took Edward's hand and laced our fingers together. "He had a degree in history, so he loved the ruins. No one else even knows they're up here. On summer days, we came here to explore. He made me promise when I became queen to have it protected. It needs it. When I was a child there was more of it standing. Each season a little more of it gets knocked down."

"This castle must have been huge, and so high up?" Edward muttered.

"There's a painting of it in the Palace. I'll show you sometime. You really like it?"

"Are you kidding?" He grinned down at me, and I had no choice but to believe him. "I love it. It's fantastic."

I snuggled closer against his side, soaking up the warmth and comfort of his touch. It was much colder up here than it had been down below, and the wind carried with it the wet mists. "Not many do. Alice and Rosalie hate it. I like it. It's quiet and sort of sad."

Edward kissed the crown of my head as I shivered. "We should probably get going. I don't want you getting sick."

"Wait." I pulled him back down onto the wall and made sure he was looking at me. "There was something I wanted to tell you. I want you to know that you're the only person, other than Alice and Rosalie, that I've brought up here. I know you're still jealous of Jacob, but you're the one I still want to show all my secrets to."

He smiled and I swear there were tears in his eyes. He cupped my check, and brought my lips to his in a slow, gentle kiss. I tangled my hands into his hair in order to hold him there. His kiss was slow, romantic, and just the thing I had been hoping for. Unfortunately, the thin air didn't really lend itself for kissing. We had to pull away far too quickly. Still, we remained close for a while, and every couple of minutes he would lean in for another. I curled into him, needing his touch. I didn't know when I was going to be out with him again. I was going to make the most of it, lack of air be damned.

It was Edward who finally put a stop our actions. His breathing was worse than mine, and he just couldn't handle it. He was panting like he had run a marathon. I took sympathy on him and pulled him to his feet. "Come on." I laughed. "Let's go get you some air."

He nodded and followed me down the mountain.