Inconsistent feelings

I spent a sleepless night in one of the rooms in Stephane´s tavern. My hand hurt like hell but also my racing thoughts didn´t help me to fall asleep. By now I was sure that the stranger had called me "Lilly", like Ray had used to do it. So it had to be him because I didn´t believe in coincidences anymore. Why else had he let us go? But even if it was Ray: "What had happened to him? Why was he doing all of this? Why accepted he that his men were attacking innocent people and why had he never showed a sign of life anymore? Questions after questions I couldn´t answer on my own. I didn´t even know if I should be glad that my brother was still alive. Basically I felt nothing. No grief or anger that Connor´s words had been true, but I neither felt joy. Only an incredible emptiness.
But what now? Now I had the certainty I had been looking for but I didn´t feel better with it. How should I deal with this knowledge? Ray´s men had done terrible things on behalf of him. He had sullied my family´s name. He had to be called to account for it, but did I really want that? Did I want that he was punished without knowing his reasons? Did I want that something happened to him?

I swore quietly and ran my healthy hand through my hair. These thoughts didn´t bring me a step further. In the contrary. I was running in circles. Furthermore Ray wasn´t my only problem at the moment. Especially Stephane had asked me some unpleasant questions. He was wondering why Ray had let me and Duncan go and because I had talked about private matters, he seemed to fear that I could stand in the way of the assassin´s plans. That I was endangering them and maybe he wasn´t wrong about that. But I also had the feeling that he started to doubt my identity and I really didn´t need that. If he learned who I was, Connor would learn about all this and I didn´t knew yet, if and how I should tell him about what I did and what I had learned.

I should leave before Stephane asks further questions, I thought and stood up. I gathered my things and left the room quietly. The house was totally silent and as quiet as possible I went downstairs into the dining area and noticed with relief that the entrance door wasn´t locked. No matter if Stephane had forgot it or not, it was my luck. Hastily I slipped outside into the cold night and went to Aldah, who was tied behind the house. It was difficult to saddle him with one hand but I managed it and sat in the saddle shortly afterwards, carefully to move my hand as little as possible. When I steered Aldah to the road, I was seized by my bad conscience. The assassins had helped me and I should have thanked them instead of disappearing without saying a word. But I couldn´t risk that they became distrustful and kept on asking unpleasant questions. So the escape was the only thing I had left. But my conscience was still nagging at me as I had already left Boston behind me.

I reached Davenport in the morning and was so exhausted that I almost collapsed when I dismounted Aldah in front of the stable. My legs were trembling, my head was spinning and my stomach contracted with nausea. I clung to the saddle, searching for support and winced as I heard Maria´s voice behind me, coming from the house.
"Where the hell have you been?", she asked and became pale as she saw in what kind of condition I was. "What happened?"
She hurried to me and put the hands to my shoulders. Her gaze slid to my injured right hand. "Did somebody attack you?"
I shook my head. "Fell off the horse", I mumbled. I couldn´t tell her about Ray. I couldn´t tell anybody until I knew how to deal with the knowledge about him.
"The doctor has to have a look at it", Maria murmured and pushed me aside, before she started to quickly unsaddle Aldah. Only when she had put everything away, she wrapped an arm around me and led me to the house where she pushed me onto the bench in the kitchen.
"I will go and get Dr. White and you will stay here and don´t move. Understood?"
I just nodded and gained another worried gaze, before Maria disappeared.

It didn´t take long until she returned with the doctor who sat down in front of me and of course asked me, how I had been injured. I told him that Aldah had baulked on the way to Boston all of the sudden and that I had fallen off his back and had landed on my hand. The doctor instantly believed that a doctor had applied the bandage and called this "colleague" a terrible bumbler who had probably risk that I lost my hand. I was sure that he was exaggerating about it, but when he unwrapped the bandage, I had to gulp. My hand was not only black and blue but were swollen, as well as my hand and it had little similarity to a human body part. Luckily Clipper had taken off my ring before he had applied the bandage, because now I wouldn´t have got rid of it.
I had to suppress a quiet scream of pain, as White palpated my hand and his expression darkened.
"However you fell, I have to set the bone or it will never heal correctly." He looked at Maria. "Give her something she can bite on. A towel or something."
Maria, who probably was paler than me, nodded slowly and gave me a rolled-up towel which I pushed between my teeth, before I gave the doctor a frightened gaze. I was already terrified of what he intended to do and I desperately hoped that he knew what he was doing.
But the doctor looked at me reassuringly, before he grabbed my injured wrist and asked: "Ready?"
I just wanted to nod, as he already proceeded to action. I felt how bone scratched against bone, heard a quiet cracking noise and even the towel in my mouth could barely muffle the scream I uttered. The pain ran through my whole arm and tears blurred my vision. I would have slapped Dr. White, but it was good that I didn´t feel able to do so at all.

I took the towel out of my mouth and watched with clenched teeth, how White, with Maria´s help, put two slim wooden plates to my wrists as a splint and fixed them with a bandage made of stiff linen.
"You are not allowed to strain your wrist at all", he explained to me. "It has to be kept still because otherwise the bone could probably not heal correctly."
"Will it do so, if I keep the hand still?"
"We have to wait and see." The doctor tied another bandage to a loop and put it around my neck before he laid my splinted hand into it. "Even if everything heals well, you have to expect that your wrist probably is only restrictedly moveable. But like I said, we have to wait and see. Go easy on yourself and take care that the splint and the bandage are always tight enough. If you should feel worse, come to me. Alright?"
"I will take care of her", Maria promised before I could say something and Dr. White smiled.
"I´m relieved to hear that."

We thanked him and bid farewell and after Maria had accompanied him to the door, she sat down at the table in front of me.
"What happened in Boston? Did you find your half-brother?", she asked and I didn´t dare to look into her eyes when I shook my head. I didn´t want to lie to her, but I thought that it was better at the moment.
"I went to a doctor first, after the accident and then returned home", I murmured and tugged at the loop. When I raised my eyes to look at Maria, she appeared relieved and I talked myself into thinking that it couldn´t be so bad that I had lied to her. Why should she rack her brains over my problems?
"So Connor can take care of it, when he returns", she said and I nodded slowly. I hadn´t thought about it yet. What if Connor really rode to Boston and to the fort? What would happen if he met Ray there? A sigh escaped my lips unintentionally, which put Maria on the alert immediately.
"You need to rest", she ordered with a strict voice and before I realised it, she helped me out of my clothes and took care that I ended up in the bed, pleasantly wrapped.
"You rest and I will take care of everything", she said, while she tugged at the blanket. I gave her a thankful smile, before my eyes already closed from exhaustion.

Maria spent the following time with me in the house, helped wherever she could and even spent the nights in Caleb´s room. She watched over me like a mother over her child and paid careful attention that I didn´t strain my injured hand. We didn´t spoke about my solo attempt anymore, after I had made Maria promise that she didn´t tell Connor about it and left this part to me. Although I was a bit afraid of it somehow.

Three weeks later

"What a damn..." I let the laces of my skirt go with an annoyed groan and put my head back. Over the last weeks I had tried to develop own techniques to do some things only with one hand. The broken wrist didn´t hurt anymore, or rather not so badly, but it was still splinted and I had to pay attention to move it as little as possible. By now I got along well with one hand but it was just impossible to lace my bodice and the skirt if I didn´t want to use my injured hand somehow.
"Maria!", I lamented towards the open door to the bedroom and shortly afterwards my grinning friend was standing in front of me.
"You know, sometimes you remind me of an infant", she joked while she stepped behind me and tightened the skirt´s laces.
"I want to see you...", I mumbled offended and glanced into the mirror. "This ´you´re not allowed to do this and that` annoys me and it´s ruining my figure."
Maria smirked. "Now you´re exaggerating. You have to go easy on yourself and it´s not ruining your figure. You´re still slender."
"Yes, but my waist is gone. Just look at it." I pinched my own side. "There used to be shape in it. Now there is...nothing anymore. When Connor comes home, he will surely ask where his wife and who this fat lady is."
My friend sighed and helped me into my waistcoat. "You became pretty oversensitive, Lillian", she said. "You´re not fat. Well, maybe you don´t have a wasp waist anymore, but you don´t have any fat on the ribs. Wait for the next weeks, then you´re hand will be healed and you can work again and then your waist is surely going to come back on its own."
"I hope so", I mumbled and glanced grimly into the mirror once again. Well, I was really a bit exaggerating, because I really was still slender and petite as always. Only my waist had disappeared and when I considered that I had forced myself into a corset for all these years, so that I could come up with a slim waist, it was a bit frustrating. I was vain and I hated it not to have the control over my appearance. But for now I had nothing else left but to wait until my wrist had healed. Until then I had to be satisfied with watching Maria doing my work and that was frustrating as well. I wasn´t in a good mood at all. I hated it to be doomed to idleness, I hated it to think about my brother, I hated it that I had lied to my friend, I hated it that Connor and Caleb hadn´t returned yet and I hated it that all of this bad mood was still upsetting my stomach. I had almost got used to it that I began to feel sick or even dizzy from time to time, but I had stopped talking about it. Maria was worried enough about me and probably would have dragged me to Dr. White immediately. I wanted to spare her, the doctor and me that.

After Maria had braided my hair, we went downstairs into the kitchen where she had already prepared the breakfast. But when I just wanted to sit down, Noir´s loud barking sounded from outside. The dog sounded very excited and so I hurried with getting to the door and with going outside. But when I just opened the door and wanted to step outside, I froze and stared at the black dog who was jumping around two homecomers.
Caleb, tanned and with a wide grin on his face, tousled through Noir´s fur while Connor looked at me as I stopped on the threshold. A smile appeared on his face but vanished as quickly as it had appeared when he saw the obvious loop around my neck, where my injured arm was resting in. He approached me with large steps and asked on his way "What happened?", before he stopped in front of me and put his hands on my shoulders with a worried expression.
"I was for a ride with Aldah and fell off", I answered without hesitation because I had often uttered this lie by now. Connor frowned.
"How could that happen?"
"He baulked."
"Aldah never baulks. He is not fearful."
"But this time he baulked. How do I know what´s going on in a horse´s head?"
Connor raised an eyebrow about my irritated tone and I couldn´t hold it against him. But I was glad that Caleb just came to us and greeted me joyfully. He also asked me what had happened but he accepted the lie without further ado.
"Is there something to eat? I´m hungry", he squealed and I pointed at the house.
"Maria is in the kitchen and has prepared breakfast. Go to her."
He did it in an instant while Connor still stood in front of me with knitted eyebrows and I was exposed to his scrutinizing gaze.
"Are you well?", he asked me and I really had to force myself to smile.
"Of course. I´m fine, except of the hand. I...missed you. You were away for long."
Connor nodded and squinched up his face as he obviously thought of something that wasn´t pleasing him. "We were there in time at new moon, but this meeting was not as I had expected it. Everything was...delayed after that."
"In what way was the meeting not as you expected it?"
Connor took a deep breath and his gaze shortly slid to a spot somewhere over my head and my heart sank. I had a bad feeling all of the sudden.
"Let us talk about it in peace. Better when Caleb and Maria are not here", he said and when I nodded hesitantly, he turned me around and pushed me gently through the door inside.

Maria and Caleb sat at the table in the kitchen and the boy was shovelling the corn mash, Maria had cooked, into his mouth. She raised her eyes as Connor and I entered the kitchen and greeted the assassin with a smile.
"I have tried to do my best to take care of Lillian. But I think you know how difficult it can be. She didn´t stay entirely unharmed", she said smirking and I raised an eyebrow as a warning. Until now I hadn´t told Connor about the reason for my ride and for now I wanted that it stayed like this. First I wanted to hear what he had learned in Newport before I decided if I confessed my trip to him.
"It is alright, Maria", Connor said with a faint smile on his lips. "I am sure you were a great help to her."
"It was a matter of course." Maria stood up and tousled Caleb´s hair. "Now the little one is back and can help her."
Caleb mumbled protestant but Maria had already turned away.
"I think I will go and leave you alone. I´m sure you have much to talk about." She looked at me more or less meaningfully before she hugged me and bid farewell.

Caleb had eaten up by now, cleared his bowl away and announced that he wanted to take care of Cherry now. So Connor and I were sooner alone than we had expected it and it seemed like he wanted to use it in an instant. Carefully, as if he was afraid that he could break it, too, he grabbed my healthy hand and led me to the dining room. There he dragged two chairs away from the table, turned them towards each other and indicated to me that I should take a seat. I followed this silent order, an unpleasant feeling in my stomach. Connor´s expression was totally serious and it looked like he was already struggling with the words he was going to use. He sat down in front of me but was silent at first and the longer he wasn´t saying anything, the more nervous I got. But luckily Connor didn´t tantalize me any further.
"On the day of new moon, I went to the mill that was mentioned as the meeting point. I hid nearby, watched it and watched how several men gathered there. They did not talk much to each other but when it became dark, a man joined them, telling them that their boss would not come but that he would stick to his initial plans regarding further attacks. There are going to be none."
Connor made a short break in which I raised an eyebrow and cocked my head in confusion.
"Yes, but that´s...good, or is it not?"
Connor shook his head. "I do not think that it is that easy. These men already used to be too well organized in the past, to stop their doings just like that. There has to be more behind it, but it was not the only thing they talked about during the meeting anyway."
Connor put a hand to his other fist and began to knead it uneasily while is gazed was directed to a spot on the floor.
"Some men were angry about the leader´s decision. They said that Jarvis – and they really used this name – is not a good leader anymore. That he is not able to realize their plans and that he has to be replaced. After that some more men appeared, seized the rioter and...silenced them."
Connor raised his eyes and looked at me seriously. "To kill them was a threat by Jarvis. Who doesn´t follow him, is a dead man. Whatever he is planning, he is unscrupulous and ready for anything. I still do not know if he really is your brother. But I thought that you should know what he did and I promise: I will find him."

I just stared at Connor wordlessly. Before my inner eye, I saw the men who had voiced their opposition against their leader and had been killed because of it. I understood what Connor wanted to say. Ray seemed to follow a specific plan for which he was doing and risking everything. But unlike Connor, I knew where he was right now and I had already stood in front of him. But doubts were forcing their way into my mind again, probably some kind of protective mechanism. I couldn´t and didn´t want to admit that the boy I had grown up with and who I had loved like a brother, even as an adult, was an unscrupulous criminal and murderer. These doubts told me that I hadn´t seen the face of the stranger in the fort. That his voice hadn´t sounded like Ray´s. But as much as I wanted it: I couldn´t agree with the doubts. Because there was the code, the name Raymond Jarvis even Adams had mentioned. I had recognized his handwriting and last but not least, he had called me by the name only he had used for me and he had let Duncan and me go, after he had seen my face. It was Ray. My brother Ray and now I had to realise that he wasn´t the same anymore. But I couldn´t hate him because of that and I couldn´t accept the thought, that he had to pay for his crimes. And he would, if Connor took care of him.

He didn´t turn his eyes away from me, as if he was waiting for a reaction. Or did he suspect that I knew more than I told him?
"What are you going to do, when you meet him?", I asked in a cracked voice and he shrugged his shoulders.
"I will know it, when the time has come."
His serious expression became milder and he leaned forward to grab my healthy hand with his hands. "Do not worry. If it comes to light that Jarvis really is your brother, I will not harm him if I do not have to. But you need to understand that he will pay for his crimes. No matter how."
Did it comfort me? I knew that he was right and I believed him that he won´t harm Ray. But I just couldn´t tell him about Boston. Something inside of me was struggling against it. Maybe the loving heart of a little sister? The naive hope that my brother wasn´t as bad as it seemed? That there was some sort of misunderstanding?
No matter what it was, I didn´t dare to tell Connor about my solo attempt. Definitely not as he looked at me with this worried gaze, as if he was expecting something terrible. I had made my decision. I wouldn´t tell him and wait. If there were going to be no attacks anymore, it would probably mean that we wouldn´t hear anything from Ray and his gang anymore. That they disappeared from our lives again. It was a childish naive thought but it gave me the strength to make myself smile.

"Don´t let us think about it until the time has come. For now I´m just glad that you´re back. Six weeks were too long regarding that our last separation wasn´t so long ago."
Connor smiled faintly and his thumb stroked over the back of my hand while he still looked into my eyes. "And I will not leave again so soon. Obviously I should not let you out of my sight for too long."
He nodded at my bandaged hand whereupon I gave a forced smile. If only he knew...
"Accidents happen", I murmured but Connor shook his head.
"Nevertheless I wished you would not have been alone with it for so long. No matter if you had Maria by your side or not. I do not like that I was not here. But it will change now. You have to recover and I will help you wherever I can. Like you always helped me, when I was injured."
His words cause a warm prickling inside of me and I gently freed my hand from his grip and put it to his cheek.
"I´m glad that you´re back."
If there only wasn´t this guilty conscience.