Hey guys. I'm so sorry it's taken me a while to update. I haven't had much time to write, due to school taking up a lot of my time. And I've also felt really unmotivated and overwhelmed with everything that's been going on here in the US, so that really hasn't helped, but... I finally managed to finish this chapter, and I really hope you guys like it. Some of you may hate me because of... well, you'll see.

Trigger warning for mentions of self-harm. It's not very descriptive, but I thought I'd let you know, just in case.

He's not sure how long it's been since he fell asleep, but when he wakes up, he's shaking and he feels like he can't breathe. His eyes snap open, only to find that the room is engulfed in complete darkness, and he can no longer feel Logan's presence beside him.

"Logan?" he calls out his friend's name in confusion as he reaches blindly for the lamp beside his bed and turns it on. He stares at the space beside him, but just like he thought, Logan's no longer there.

It's in a groggy yet panicked state that he manages to stand on both feet and make his way towards the entrance of his room. He hesitates before stepping foot outside. The apartment is completely silent, so he can only assume that everyone's gone to bed. However, there's a voice in the back of his mind that fills him with fear. He has to know that Logan's okay.

He quietly takes the few steps towards Kendall and Logan's bedroom, expecting to find both of them asleep, but Logan's busy hunched over his desk. He can't see Kendall, due to the fact that the door is open just a crack, but he figures he must be okay if Logan's there with him.

He then walks in a cautious manner towards the bathroom in the apartment and steps foot inside, closing the door quietly behind him. It's not until he's inside that he reaches for the light switch and turns it on. The first thing he sees is his reflection in the mirror, and for some reason, it makes him sick to his stomach. There's a tightness in his chest that won't go away. It's like everything around him is closing in on him, or like there's not enough oxygen in the tiny room. He can only assume he's having an anxiety attack, judging by the way he's feeling, and while that's nothing new to him, he hasn't had one in a really long time.

He's terrified.

He fidgets with his sweater's sleeve and closes his hand around his wrist, his fingernails digging into his skin. It hurts, but he wants it to hurt. He wants to feel something, other than the turmoil of emotions and pain that seems to be floating around in his head.

It's then that he reaches for the blade he had tucked away in his jeans' pocket earlier that day. While he had stopped self-harming before they had moved to Los Angeles, there had been a particularly awful night, in which he had almost relapsed. It wasn't that hard to find a blade, and while he hadn't used it at the time, he did plan to use it now. He had to. He didn't know what else to do. Maybe he'd regret it later, maybe he wouldn't – at the moment, he can't be bothered to care.

It all happens in a blur. One moment he's gripping the blade and staring at it with hesitation. The next, he's staring at his wrist, which now has angry bloody marks all over it.

He stares at the fresh cuts, his eyes filling with tears that cause his vision to blur. The only question running through his head as he slides his back against the wall and collapses to the floor is, What have I done?

Worthless.

His hand trembles as he writes the word down on a piece of paper, and then lets go of the pen he had been holding on to with an iron grip. There are tears pooling in his eyes, threatening to fall at any second, but he does his best to hold them back. Putting up a façade is proving to be a struggle, though. He's not really sure how much longer he can keep it up.

Without giving it a second thought, he grabs the piece of paper he had been writing on and tears it from his notebook. He then crumples it into a ball with both hands and tosses it in the direction of the small trash can beside his desk. He can't help the frown that comes to his face when he misses his target and it lands on the floor.

"Stupid," he grumbles, wiping at the tears of anger and sadness that are now rolling down his cheeks.

"You aren't stupid."

He jumps in surprise, having completely forgotten that he was not the only one in the room.

"Sure feel like it," he mumbles, his gaze cast downwards, not facing the other side of the room, where Kendall is now sitting up in bed. "Are you feeling any better?" he asks him, daring to take a quick glance at the other boy.

"I guess," Kendall says, shrugging his shoulders simultaneously. He stands on both feet, albeit a bit dizzily, and moves to take a seat on Logan's bed. "Why do you feel stupid?" he asks in a soft tone as he props his elbow on top of one leg and rests his chin on the palm of his hand. His eyes, which are filled with worry, are locked on Logan's unmoving figure.

When he receives no answer, he scoots closer to the edge of the bed and places a hand on Logan's shoulder. He frowns when Logan flinches at his touch and shrugs his hand away. "Logie, talk to me, please."

"Because I am, alright?" Logan snaps, finally looking up at Kendall. "I'm a fucking idiot! I can't do anything right!"

This time, it's Kendall who flinches involuntarily, surprised by Logan's outburst and choice of words. Logan never curses, not unless he's extremely upset, which he obviously is, judging by his actions.

Logan seems to realize what he has just said, because his eyes grow wide and he clamps a hand over his mouth. He turns away from Kendall then and stares at a small stain that contrasts against the beige color of his desk. "Sorry," he whispers. "I don't know where that came from."

"It's okay." Kendall smiles, although it's forced. "But, that had to have come from somewhere," he says slowly, trying not to push him. He watches Logan carefully, taking notice of the way his eyes seem to be traveling around the room. He looks nervous and scared, and it worries him. Although the two emotions are something he's used to seeing on Logan, he never acts that way because of him. "You can tell me if you're upset. I'm not gonna hold it against you. If anything, it would worry me if you weren't."

"I..." Logan opens and closes his mouth repeatedly like a fish out of water, his hands shaking where they're resting on the surface of his desk. "I don't... I don't wanna talk about it."

"Alright."

"Alright?" Logan asks, raising an eyebrow at his friend. He didn't expect Kendall to give up that easily.

"Mhm," Kendall hums as he reaches for the notebook in front of Logan. His eyes travel over the page it's open to. The page is blank, but there are angry marks carved into it from how firmly and aggressively he had been writing on the page he had torn off. "Then write down your feelings," he tells him, handing it back to him. "You don't have to talk about how you're feeling out loud. I know how hard that is for you, but you can always write it down. Just don't keep it to yourself, okay?"

"There's not much to say," Logan mumbles. "Writing down my feelings won't make a difference. It won't fix things, it won't make Carlos wake up. It might make me feel a bit better, but it won't... take the pain away."

"I know." Kendall's voice is barely above a whisper, his face void of emotion. "But you're bottling things up, Logan," he says, sighing in frustration, "and you... you can't do that."

"That's kind of a hypocritical thing to say, don't you think?" Logan says as he turns to Kendall with a frown. "You're like an expert at hiding your feelings."

Kendall rolls his eyes and nudges Logan on the shoulder. "Shut up," he mutters. "I've been trying not to. And you need to do the same."

Logan lets out a shaky sigh and rises from his chair, only to plop down beside Kendall a second later. "I wanna talk about it," he says softly as he turns to Kendall, his eyes reflecting fear and uncertainly. "I just... don't know how to, I guess."

Kendall nods, not knowing how to respond. He understands what Logan's trying to say. He has never been any good at talking about his feelings either, but he hates that Logan's keeping everything to himself, because he knows it'll only hurt him in the end. He'll bottle everything up, until he explodes. It's happened to him more times than he can count, and he doesn't want Logan to have to go through that as well.

"Can I hug you?" he asks quietly, smiling a little when Logan nods his head in response. He wastes no time in winding his arms around the smaller boy and pulling him closer.

Logan hugs him back and shields his face against Kendall's shoulder, inhaling deeply as the tears start to fall again.

"Just let it out," Kendall whispers, his hand rubbing circles against Logan's quivering back. "You don't have to talk."

He feels Logan nod against his shoulder, but he says nothing in response. He doesn't let go until Logan cries himself dry. Until his body grows limp in his hold, exhausted from crying.

"I'm sorry..." Logan says quietly as he pulls away, not meeting Kendall's worried gaze. "I didn't mean to—"

"It's okay," Kendall interrupts him, smiling weakly. "There's nothing you need to apologize for. You feel the way you feel, and you shouldn't be sorry for that. Not now, and not ever."

James spends the next half an hour or so tossing and turning in his bed, unable to fall asleep. He feels horrible, even more so than he did before, and he hates himself for what he has done. But more than anything, he hates himself because despite feeling guilty, he has the urge to do it again. He wants to hurt himself again, and he's not even sure what has caused him to feel this way once more, but he absolutely hates it. He doesn't even know how he's going to be able to look Carlos in the eye, when he wakes up, after what he has done. That is, if he ever does wake up.

"James?"

Surprised, James turns his head towards his bedroom doorway and watches as Katie slowly walks inside with her arms wrapped tightly around herself. She stops at the foot of his bed and turns her gaze towards the ground, shifting uncomfortably where she stands.

"Hey," he says softly as he sits up in bed and motions for her to take a seat. "Something wrong?"

"I can't sleep," she mumbles, looking up at James with teary brown eyes. "I was gonna go talk to Kendall, but I heard him talking with Logan, so I didn't want to interrupt. Plus... I had something to ask you..."

"Sure, what is it?"

"Do you think... Carlos would mind if I slept in his bed tonight?"

At the mention of Carlos' name, James feels his heart sink, but he hides it behind a smile as he shakes his head. "No, of course not. You can sleep there if you want to."

"Okay... Oh, and James?"

"Yeah?"

Before getting up, she turns towards him with a small smile and wraps her arms around him. "Thank you."

"Anytime, Katie," James whispers, letting her go. He watches her walk away from his bed and climb into Carlos', before laying back down on his own. "Goodnight," he manages to choke out, feeling an overwhelming feeling of sadness consume him all of a sudden.

"'Night."

Hot tears stream down his face as he rolls over onto his other side, facing away from her, not wanting her to see him break down. She might be wise beyond her years and at times act older than she actually is, but she's still only eleven. He doesn't want to scare her. She's already scared as it is – surely seeing him break will only make her feel even worse, and she doesn't need that.

Nobody needs another reason to worry, which is why he can't tell anyone about what he has done, especially not Kendall and Logan. Surely they'll hate him if they find out, and he doesn't think he can handle that.

It's a good thing he's done this in the past. If they didn't find out about it before, they won't now, especially when there are more important things to worry about.

I kinda feel bad for what I did to James, but I've had it planned for a while... So, next chapter you'll see how James will be affected by what he did, and maybe there will be more Kendall and Logan angst as well (by maybe, I mean definitely). Hopefully it won't take me as long to get it up, haha. Let me know what you thought. And thank you for reading. :)

~ BigTimeRush-BTR :)