Chapter 21: A Whirlwind Romance

On subsequent nights I had more dreams. They were all quite pleasant, those with Keiichi particularly so.

One night I had a strange dream. I was flying high above Nekomi, heading for a strange gate. It wasn't the Japan Gate to Valhalla. It was a some kind of strange gate that I had never seen before. The geometry of the gate was very weird, non-Euclidian? And it had a symbol I had never seen before, and yet I understood it. It was a number: 38. I was feeling giddy so I did a flash-bang, then I flew right into the gate. Then I saw.. something.. and felt a rush of adrenalin, and then...

I woke up.

The weeks passed. My relationship with Keiichi grew deeper and deeper.

One day I decided to come fully clean with Keiichi and keep no secrets from him, at least as much as I could tell him.

You see, we L1 goddesses are literally blocked from talking by something called the Ultimate Force. It prevents us from blabbing certain deep secrets to mere mortals. Literally, our voice chokes up. We cannot speak. It feels like a gag reflex and it is not pleasant.

Hmm. I wonder in my new state if the Ultimate Force is still in effect. I said, "Keiichi, can I test something please?"

"Sure, go ahead."

I tried to explain how the Judgement Gate really worked. "Gack, ack, pfft!" I sounded like Bill the Cat.

"Lind, are you okay?"

"Yuck. I think I threw up in my mouth a little bit. Sorry. I was just testing something. Forget it."

"What the heck were you doing?"

"I was just testing."

"What were you testing?"

"Uhm, Belldandy was forced to keep certain secrets from you. I was just testing to see if that same restriction was still on me. It looks like it is. I'm really sorry."

"You mean there are certain secrets you can't tell me?"

"Yeah. I can't tell you them. I physically can't. Look, I promised myself I would not keep any secrets from you, so I was just testing. Looks like I can't keep that promise. And I really wanted to. I really did."

"I guess I understand. So that means that Belldandy was prevented from telling me stuff too. I did not know that."

Oops.

{ Belldandy: Sorry, I was sleeping. What is going on? }

"Lind, what kind of secrets was Belldandy trying to keep from me?"

{ Belldandy: Lind! What are you doing!? }

Double oops.

"Uh.. I'm sorry, Keiichi. Really." I was putting my foot in my mouth up to my about my thigh. "Can we please forget this conversation ever got started? I'm really sorry. You know I love you. It's just that I'm still really new at dealing with mortals. I'm really really sorry."

"It's okay. I understand perfectly. Wow, I'm impressed you are even trying. You are a really honest person, Lind."

"Yeah, that's me, Ms. Blunt Truth. You are a super hot guy, by the way. Heh, and you know I really mean it."

"Hey, now you got me blushing again."

{ Belldandy: That was very good. You cleverly got him distracted. }

{ Lind: Huh? I didn't do that on purpose. I'm just being me. }

{ Belldandy: Still, thank you. }

"Lind, you are doing that space-out thing again. Why do you keep spacing out when you talk to me?"

"Huh?"

"It's like someone is coaching you. Do you have an earpiece or something? Is someone giving you information?"

"Uhm.."

"You just said that you would never lie to me if you could avoid it."

"Yeah.. I'm trying.. this is so hard."

{ Lind: What do I say? You've forbidden me from disclosing your existence or that Keiichi has access to first class goddess powers. Help! }

{ Belldandy: Well, you really boxed yourself in. You are quite terrible at this. Let me think. }

I waited.

He said, "You're waiting for your coach to tell you what to say, aren't you?"

Crap! Crap!

I looked up at the ceiling, then I moved close and looked at him right in the eye. "Ugh.. Look. I love you. Period, full stop. You know that. I'm trying as hard as I can given the restrictions they are putting on me. And hoo boy, some of those restrictions are pretty heavy. But I love you, and I am really, really, trying. I'm not holding anything back on my own. And if there is some big secret or something that I feel is really harming you, I'll just quit the Wish and walk out. And that's the absolute honest truth."

"Ok. Yeah, ok. Thanks. I think I understand."

"I love you. I'd do anything for you."

"It's Peorth, isn't it?"

"What?"

"Peorth is coaching you what to say."

Say, that's a good cover story. I'll have to mention it to her.

I put my hands behind my back and swayed back and forth, "Well, you got me. I can't say if it is Peorth or not. Not allowed. I'm really sorry. Wish I could tell you, but I can't."

"Peorth just coached you to misdirect me. That was awful, by the way. Just give it up. I know it's Peorth. Just one question, is that wire gonna be turned on when we are, uh, maybe doing some of those fantasies I hinted about?" He was turning red.

"Absolutely not. I demanded that up front. Strictly no eavesdropping. From nobody, not no how. Period. And I'm telling it to you straight up. We will be private."

"Phew, good. That would have been awkward. I don't really like Peorth getting all in my business like that, if you know what I mean."

"Jeepers, are you kidding? You and me both!" I made a silly lopsided grin.

I kept babbling, "C'mon, Peorth? I would never live it down if I didn't meet her uh, high standards, if you know what I mean..."

He laughed. "Yeah! Or me! Tell me about it. That's pretty funny. We are both going to be so terrible at this, I don't think I could ever live it down either if anybody saw us."

"Phew, you ain't kidding. Talk about the blind leading the blind." He laughed again.

{ Belldandy: That was excellent. You are a pro. }

{ Lind: I am not. That was all true - I never said it was Peorth, he did. }

{ Belldandy: Still, not bad. }

{ Lind: I feel like I am tap dancing on a wire over a volcano right now. }

{ Belldandy: You did very good. I'm impressed. }

{ Lind: Oh give it a rest. }

{ Belldandy: Sorry. }

"I'm sorry, Keiichi. You were saying again?"

He laughed again.

And so I dodged a real bullet.

Then he completely surprised me. "Lind, you know, I have a secret to confess to you too."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"Which is?"

"Uhm, I already figured out one of your deep 'forbidden' secrets. You want me to tell you?"

"Uh, sure.. I can't confirm or deny anything of course."

"I figured out that my libido was put in check so I could never experience physical love with Belldandy."

{ Belldandy: No! }

{ Lind: That wasn't me. I swear. Not a hint. Wasn't me. }

"Okay.. supposing that is true, hypothetically speaking, how did you come to that conclusion?"

"Because I feel completely different now."

"Like how?"

"I already just told you. I said I feel completely different now. With you. And with Belldandy too."

"With Belldandy?"

"Yes. You see, since I've met you I've had fantasies that I never had before, not just with you, but with her. Nothing like that has happened since I accidentally tripped and fell on her in my dorm room when I first met her. It never happened since then, until now. That's weird. I never noticed it until we started our relationship."

I was non-committal. "And..?"

"And now I do have fantasies about her. Something happened to me. That couldn't have been natural back then. No fantasies about Belldandy, I mean. Something was obviously messing with my libido back then."

"You don't say."

"Lind, let me tell you something right now: You're terrible at this."

"At what?"

"Nevermind. You can't lie worth spit. I know I'm right about that secret."

"Okay, whatever, hypothetically speaking, of course."

He started laughing at me.

"Oh c'mon! Am I that awful?"

"Uh, yeah, you are. And you know what? It's one of the things I really love about you."

"Sure.. thanks.. I think."

{ Belldandy: Either you are better at misdirection than even me, or you really are that clueless. Either way it is working. Good job. }

{ Lind: Shut up. }

{ Belldandy: That was rude. }

{ Lind: Sorry. }

I was getting exhausted from all this verbal tap dancing. I was really, really, not good at it. At all.

"Uhm, Keiichi, I kinda am starting to get a headache now. And that's no lie. I think I'm going to take a nap now."

"Sweet dreams. I hope you dream about me."

"Very funny."

I did.

So later I just had to ask him.

"Uhm, Keiichi?"

"Yeah?"

"Those fantasies you've had? About me? Could you please describe them for me?"

"Uh, no, I better not."

"Ok, nevermind. Just wondering." I wanted to know, in case he wanted me to, I dunno, dress me up as a banana so he could peel me or something. Yeah that was lame. The point is, I needed ideas about what he really wanted from me.

You see, I don't know this fantasy stuff at all. I wondered what kind of fantasies a young hormonal virginal man might have about little old me, a smoking hot goddess with a 22 year-old supermodel body? It wasn't probably to play paddy-cake or something. (I knew that because that was Roger Rabbit's freaky fetish with Jessica Rabbit, and everybody said he was a perv.)

I needed ideas. So I called up Peorth on the phone to ask about it, and she had a conniption fit. She said to run any 'affaires bizarres' by her first for her approval. Ok, she had a point. What's normal and what's weird, and how would I know?

The days passed. Keiichi and I grew closer together. One day he invited me into his bedroom. We sat on his bed together and he showed me a large photo album of his family members. I saw pictures of Megumi as a young child (so cute!), his aunt, his uncle, some cousins, and then...

He turned the page in the album. "Lind, these are the photographs of my parents."

Parents? Hmm, this should be interesting. I carefully picked up the album from his hands, being careful not to physically touch him. We were getting good at this sort of thing. The handoff went easily. I put on my dorky eyeglasses, and then I looked closely at the two photographs.

The photograph on the left was a good portrait of Keiichi's father. He looked basically just like Keiichi himself, but with gray hair, eyeglasses (not as dorky as mine), and he had a careworn, lined, face, with a wan smile. The label under the photo was, 'Keima'. I guessed that Keima must be around age 50-55 or so. Keiichi obviously inherited his father's looks. Apparently, Keiichi will age gracefully into a distinguished looking gentleman. That's nice.

Then I saw the photo on the right.

Who was that? Huh?

"Keiichi, do you have a second sister?"

"No.."

That has to be a really old photo. "Keiichi, please tell me.. who is the woman in this other photo? This one." I pointed. It was the photo next to his father's picture.

"Oh, that's my mother, Takano."

The photograph was of an extremely beautiful young woman with a round face and curly raven colored hair. She looked stunningly beautiful. In fact, she looked just like a gorgeous hot 22-year old supermodel with no physical imperfections whatsoever. She was wearing an outfit that was rather like my own: overalls, but with only a single strap, like Lil' Abner. I really liked the asymmetrical effect of the single strap. The overalls ended in a dress instead of slacks. Underneath the overalls she wore a mid-sleeve cotton blouse. No dorky glasses though. Because she's perfect. She was...

"Keiichi, are you sure this is a recent photo?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"Okaaay... Very funny, Keiichi."

"No, really. That is my mother."

"Pull my other leg."

"I swear. They both stopped by and visited the temple about eight months ago. I had a bike race with my dad. It was really exciting. They arrived separately. It was quite a coincidence."

Yeah, I bet it was.

"Uhm, Keiichi, can I ask you a personal question? You don't have to answer if you don't want to."

"Sure, anything. You know that I keep no secrets from you, Lind. Same as you."

"Okay. Uhm, Keiichi, here's the question: Have you ever seen your parents in any sort of direct physical contact? Hold hands, kiss, or anything like that?"

"Oh, well, no, of course not. Oh I see, the two different photos might be confusing you, why there isn't a single photo showing them together, I mean. Look, there's a good reason for that. You see, my parents were legally separated right after I was born. They never told me the reason for the break-up. I mean, they never fought or anything like that. In fact I think they are still on good terms with each other. I've always felt a little guilty about it, like their break-up was my fault or something. Of course I know that's silly. I was just a baby at the time. They get along, really."

Oh my dear Keiichi.. it was your fault. Not for anything you did. Merely for existing.

So, it appears that his parents had declined the test of the Judgement Gate. I wonder which one wussed out? I guessed it was the father. It didn't really matter. The penalty was no further physical contact whatsoever. They could see each other, even talk, but any touch would result in instant death for them both. Such was the penalty for declining the test of the Judgement Gate once physical love was initiated. And hoo boy, did they ever initiate it, if Keiichi was the result. I wondered about Megumi. Half-sister maybe?

"Keiichi, can you wait here for a moment? I need to make a quick mental phone call."

"Sure. What's wrong?"

"I'm not sure yet. I just need to check something. Please stay here and look at these photos with me for a moment."

"Okay.."

{ Lind: Belldandy, knock knock! Hey, come out of that hidey hole and talk with me! Right now! }

{ Belldandy: Yawn. Oh, I must have dozed off. Is everything okay? }

{ Lind: No, everything is not okay! }

{ Belldandy: Is it an emergency? }

{ Lind: I don't know. You tell me. }

{ Belldandy: I don't understand. }

{ Lind: Belldandy, please use Keiichi's eyes and look at these recent photographs of his father and his mother. Look at them closely. You see anything a little unusual about his mother in that photo on the right? The one labeled 'Takano'? Just a little teeny weeny little bit unusual? Like, oh, I don't know, that it just so happens that she looks like she is the same age as Keiichi himself? Remember, it's a recent photo. Isn't that a little bit odd, in your opinion? Hmm? }

{ Belldandy: Oh dear. }

{ Lind: Argh! You've been keeping secrets from me. Talk! Who is she really? I know all the L1 and L2 goddesses. She looks powerful, but I've never seen her before. And she's hiding her facial chevrons. That's illegal, by the way. You know the rules about friend-versus-foe identification. }

{ Belldandy: I do. She is exempt. }

{ Lind: Huh? Why? }

"Lind, is everything okay? You look alarmed. Are we in danger?"

"Uh, no.. I don't think so. I'm just checking something. It could be important."

"Okay, I'll wait right here."

I took a risk and held his hand. "Thank you.. please just wait."

"Lind, your hand is sweaty. What's going on?"

"Give me a sec."

{ Lind: Belldandy! Spill it, right now! }

{ Belldandy: She's not a goddess. }

Nooo!

{ Lind: Oh dear [bleep]. A daemon. Oh no no no... }

{ Belldandy: Goodness gracious, no. Relax, Lind. }

{ Lind: Don't give me a heart attack like that! }

{ Belldandy: I'm very sorry. }

{ Lind: Stop stalling. I asked you a question. Who is she? }

{ Belldandy: I don't think I appreciate your tone of voice. }

{ Lind: Sigh.. please? Tell me. I have to know. }

{ Belldandy: Very well. Takano is an elemental. }

{ Lind: Which element? Oh wait.. }

Keiichi had told me about the time when Urd, Skuld, and Peorth had a silly contest to try to 'assist' Keiichi. They accidentally converted him into literally the wind. A whirlwind. Belldandy rushed in and used all her powers to try to bring him back, to no avail. His atoms were blown apart. Literally. Blown to the wind. She then called out his name and he somehow reconstituted himself. I remembered that sounded incredible. I had no idea that Belldandy wielded that kind of power, such fine-tuned control, down to the atomic level.

Of course, now I knew. She didn't.

Keiichi had reconstituted himself. All Belldandy did was call out his name.

It was simply incredible. And that meant that the elemental's type was..

{ Lind: Of course. Wind. Keiichi's mother is a wind elemental. }

{ Belldandy: Yes. }

{ Lind: But wait, that level of fine-tuned control, down to the atomic level, is simply impossible, isn't it? It's impossible for anybody! Not even a wind elemental, or any elemental for that matter. Nor for you. No goddess can do that. No elemental can do that. Nobody can. It's impossible. }

{ Belldandy: Not for this one. }

{ Lind: I'm waiting. Tell me her True Name. Now. }

Silence.

{ Lind: Fine. I'll just make a phone call Upstairs and figure it out anyway. I want her True Name, right now! }

{ Belldandy: Lind, please calm down. Her True Name is Mariah. }

{ Lind: Mariah... wait, I've heard that name before. In stories. Legends. Way out to the west they whispered her name, back when they painted their wagons. Rain was Tess, fire was Joe, and they called wind Mariah. She's as powerful a wind elemental as they come. Good grief they say she can blow the stars around, set the clouds a-flyin', it was like folks were out there dyin'. Mariah. I remember that name now. You mean she's actually real? The spirit of the whirlwind itself? }

{ Belldandy: Yes. She is the heart of the hurricane. The center of the F5 tornado. The whirlwind of ultimate destructive power. }

I was stunned.. this boy's mother was the most destructive atmospheric force on the planet. The blood of millions of lives were on this woman's hands: Every major wind disaster in human history. Every hurricane, every tornado, and every flood, fire, or other disaster caused by them. She controlled the weather too by modifying the jet stream. She caused bitter cold, scorching heat, horrible droughts, epic famines. She wiped out entire civilizations.

That poor man, Keiichi's father. Did he know who she really was?

Of course he knew. How could he live with himself? He didn't. He declined the test of the Judgement Gate. Now I knew why.

One day I left my girl

I left her far behind me

And now I'm lost, I'm oh so lost

Not even God can find me

That poor man.. Fortunately it seemed that Keiichi inherited most of his genes from his father's side, not his mother's (phew). Other than a few weird incidents like that wind crisis when he was atomized, and the fact that he can host an angel, and the fact he has the ability to charm the goddesses themselves, and the fact that he seems to intuitively know everything about how Valhalla and Niflheim work as soon as he sees it, and the fact that..

Okay. Sigh. I get it. How did I miss all this? Wait, we all did. We all missed it. All the goddesses missed it.

Except Belldandy.

And here I had thought that I was the badass. But compared to Mariah? I'm chump change. And I always operated under tight constraints, with strict limits on the amount of collateral damage that I was ever permitted to inflict. (Ok, I didn't always follow the rules exactly, but at least I had them.) And I only did harm when I was assigned a job, or in self-defense. But Mariah? She was totally wild. Pure power. Totally uncontrolled. Her alignment was Chaotic Neutral. The force of the whirlwind.

Belldandy explained that her neutral alignment was why she had no visible facial chevrons for friend-versus-foe identification. She was neutral. She never took sides in our perpetual war with Niflheim. She was a wild spirit, free.

Then Belldandy volunteered that one day Takano had simply showed up at Chihiro's doorstep and gave her a 2 kilogram lump of pure platinum, with the proviso that the former leader of the NIT Auto Club sign a non-disclosure agreement about where she got her business financing from. Chihiro used it to get her dream off the ground, and Whirlwind was born. Takano only asked that a dividend check from the business profits be mailed monthly to Keima's home address.

I remembered that Chihiro and Takano met at the temple when Keima showed up. They seemed really friendly, played some board games.

Did Takano suggest the business name, Whirlwind? That cannot possibly be a coincidence...

Belldandy then prophesied that one day Keima and Takano would be reunited. I didn't see how that was possible.

I'm a lost and lonely man

Without a star to guide me

Mariah, blow your love to me

I need my girl beside me

That couldn't possibly happen, could it? I mean, the ban, the penalty, for refusing the Judgement Gate was absolute and eternal. No exceptions. And how could Keima possibly reconcile his love with a thing that wreaked so much havoc on humanity?

But there was something else I had to know first. Right away. Something far, far, more important.

"Keiichi, can I please ask you one more question? It might be personal again. I'm sorry."

"Sure, anything."

"Have you ever been seriously injured before? I mean major, like broken bones, a crushing injury, gone to the hospital? Anything like that?"

"No.. not really. Nothing major. Just sprains."

"But you race all those bikes. That's dangerous. You've never had a major wipe-out? Gone to the hospital with a serious injury? Not even once?"

"Uh.. no. I did hit a pothole once and I went flying over the handle-bars. It was a really scary tumble. I hit the pavement pretty hard and flopped around like Evel Knievel at Caesar's Palace, when he broke just about every bone in his body. I had a lot of scrapes and bruises, but nothing serious. Two witnesses saw the whole accident, and they said it was a miracle I wasn't seriously injured or killed. I was really glad I was wearing my helmet. You should always wear one, you know."

"Of course. Safety first."

"Yeah. Lind, what's going on? Who were you phoning in your head just now? What are you checking?"

Was it possible?

A miracle. I needed to know. I changed the subject. "Keiichi, do you trust me?"

"What? Of course. You know that."

"Then I want to test something. I'll try not to injure you, but you should be ready."

"I'm ready."

"Give your wrist."

"Okay."

"You feel that?"

"Yeah, pressure."

"How about now?"

"More pressure."

"Does it hurt now?"

"A little."

A miracle had happened.

This was going to work.

"Keiichi.. I'm exerting at least two metric tons of force on your wrist right now."

"What? Seriously."

"Honest truth. Oh my.."

"Wait... Really? You mean I'm nigh invulnerable like The Tick?"

"Yeah, I think so. You can get minor injuries or scratches, even major sprains, just like a goddess can, but nothing fatal. Nothing can seriously injure nor permanently hurt you. Nothing short of a direct attack by a magical or supernatural force can do that."

"So that explains why I survived so many Skuld bombs..."

"Yeah, heh. Oh Keiichi..."

"You mean this is going to actually work?"

"Your mother was a very special person, Keiichi."

{ Belldandy: I told you: 'You will know.' }

{ Lind: True. }

"You're kidding! I never knew!"

I did now. I really did. We both knew. I really started to tear up badly. Then I lost it completely.

"Yes!" I hugged him silly.

This was going to work.

{ Belldandy: This is amazing! }

Liar. She knew all along.

{ Lind: I'm so happy! Thank you Belldandy! }

Silence. She was gone again behind the firewall.

"Keiichi, I have a little proposition for you." I fidgeted. "I'm a little bit nervous right now.."

"Lind, you nervous? You're not afraid of anything. I mean, you stole the Death Star as a trophy and parked it around Pluto. After it shot you first."

"Well, I'm getting nervous now."

"When did this start happening? Getting nervous around me, I mean."

"That lake at the park - since I became your dorky eyeglass-wearing girlfriend instead of your guardian angel, you dumb idiot."

"Oh, heh. What's your, uh, proposition?"

Oh to heck with it. I gently pushed him down on the bed flat, then I straddled him.

He grinned, "Ok.. this proposition is definitely getting my attention..."

While straddling him I bent down and gave him an intense kiss, which he reciprocated. He worked his hands under my tank top and started to pull it up. "Wow, Lind, those battle scars.."

"It's not the years, my love, it's the mileage.."

"Mmm. Hey, why are you holding my wrists? This is kinky, but I'm not into that kind of stuff.."

"Very funny. I'm saying stop. We're both new at this. Let's do this right."

"Ah, so your, uh, proposition is.."

"Yeah, let's get married."

"That's a proposal."

Huh? "No, I'm making a proposition here."

"Yeah, a proposal."

"What?"

"Your proposition."

"Yes. I'm proposing a proposition."

"You're not propositioning me, you're proposing to me. And wait, aren't I the one supposed to be doing that?"

"What, you got your own proposition now?"

"Yeah."

"Who?"

"Sigh. Who's on first."

"What?"

"No, what's on second."

"I don't know."

"Third base."

Argh! He was so frustrating sometimes! He explained about Abbott and Costello later and apologized. I made him pay for it with several kisses as punishment, which he gladly paid. I am very strict, you know.. (Tease! Flirt! Wow!) This was wonderful. He was being Keiichi, of course, so I ground my hips on him a bit, just to annoy him some more. I'm such a tease! And I was definitely getting his attention.

I couldn't believe I was doing it. It's like I was a totally different person. The great Lind is a tease? A flirt? Who knew?

I was his lover. A real person. A real girlfriend. Someone who loved her man, and who wanted to be with him forever.

And we had so little time.

"Uh, Lind, you are really distracting me now."

"Good. Now shut up and listen to my proposition."

"Proposal."

"Stop that!"

"I'm listening."

"I need to test the Ultimate Force again. I might gag."

"Just don't hork up your lunch on my chest."

I laughed. "Here it goes.."

"Keiichi, my dear love, I don't know how much time we will have together. Months at most. I think three or four, maybe. Maybe a lot less. Maybe tomorrow. Hey.. I said it!"

"Sigh. I already figured that out a while ago."

Huh? "What, you did?"

"Yeah."

"How?"

"Well, you see, I'm really getting to know you, Lind. The way you've been acting since we got really involved. How you stare out the window, pick up a flower and try to burn the image into your mind, how you relish every stolen touch with me as if it would be your last. I know we don't have much time left. That phone in the hall is going to ring, and you will get your orders, and you aren't coming back."

I hugged him so tight. "I'm so sorry... I didn't want you to know.. I didn't want to hurt you.."

"It was what you were born for. Your purpose in life. Why you were created, remember?"

"Yeah.. my purpose." I was sniffling.

"Just promise me, that, when the phone call comes, that you give me a kiss before you leave."

He knew me. He really did. He knew I would never awaken him when that phone call came in the middle of the night. I would simply kiss him in his sleep and leave. Maybe with a token left behind on my empty pillow.

I was starting to get blubbery.. "I promise."

"Then I accept your proposition."

I snogged him so hard we both fell off the bed.

Just then Skuld walked by and looked at us disapprovingly.. "Get a room you two! Sheesh!"

And we laughed ourselves silly.

It turned out we had three months.

A/N:

If you have not figured it out by now, this chapter was inspired by the song They Call the Wind Mariah from the musical Paint Your Wagon (1969), starring Clint Eastwood and Lee Marvin. The song is rather dated in its musical style. There is a high-quality recording of the song on YouTube at Harve Presnell They call the Wind Maria remastered, by Time Light Pictures (3:02).

The film was in a pretty rare genre: the comedy musical western. Wait a minute, a comedy musical western? I mean, c'mon, who the heck at Paramount green-lighted that turkey of a film? Westerns were all but dead by 1969. The film was not MST3K bad, but hoo boy.

The musical featured Clint Eastwood actually singing (ugh). And then Lee Marvin was actually singing (argh!). Ok, their attempts at singing weren't anywhere near as bad as William Shatner trying to warble a tune. But, hoo boy, that musical was nasty on my eardrums. It belonged in Eihwaz's karaoke machine in Hell.

You really gotta wonder what idiot was the casting director for that movie.

Let's see. In my imagination, if I ran Paramount Studios, I would have said something like this during the pre-production meeting:

"Ok, everyone, we need to film this comedy musical western!"

"What a great concept, boss! Nobody has ever done that before!"

"Thanks, Bob. I know. It's really original. Gonna be a box office smash."

"Yeah!"

"So, Bob, who do you think we should cast in the lead role for this big musical production!"

"Clint Eastwood!"

"Huh? Are you toking again, Bob? You gotta lay off the weed, man."

"Sorry."

"Who else?"

"Lee Marvin!"

"Dang it, you are going back into rehab right now. Guards!"

"Wait, put me down! Put me down!"

"Sheesh. Elsie, pick up the phone! See if we can time-travel Hugh Jackman down here to 1969! I hear he's great in Oklahoma!"

I mean, you gotta wonder what drugs they take in Hollywood sometimes.

A/N Update:

At this late point in the story I will reveal another example of the fifth kind of love. It is a short YouTube video from CLANNAD: After Story.

CLANNAD nails L5 love better than anything I've ever seen before or since - everything - the whole thesis. However, I have real misgivings about showing you this video. Why? See below.

If you know nothing about CLANNAD: Then you are really blessed. Just STOP and watch it COLD. I watched it cold and it left me spiritually shaken for days. I had to reboot and do a spiritual inventory, took awhile. It's that good. Even my SO started to watch (my SO hates my anime watching) and loved it.

There are two seasons of 24 half-hour episodes each: CLANNAD and CLANNAD After Story. You need to watch both for it to really work on you. To watch it legally online in the United States you have to go to The Anime Network - the first two episodes are free to watch, and there is a small monthly subscription fee to watch the rest. Netflix has it on DVD only. Or just go buy the DVDs at Amazon (it's worth it). Or go find it free online (won't say where, not hard). If you do the latter, do not read the comments. They spoil everything. Buy the DVDs anyway just to say 'Thank You' to Key/VisualArts (and to Kyoto Animation) for the best romantic anime ever created.

Avoid the standalone anime single-film version. It was created prior to the TV series and it sucks.

Try to watch the English Dub. It is really good. The English dub has the best voice actors in the biz (Luci Christian and David Matranga). Don't listen to those otaku dweebs who always insist on the 'purity' of the Japanese subtitled version. In this instance the English dub is better. Trust me. (A few persnickety otakus dislike Luci Christian in this role because she usually does pre-teen young girl roles. But she's great - her high voice fits the character's shyness wonderfully.)

The first season (CLANNAD) is an above-average high school rom-com, stereotypical Japanese. The story is based on a computer Visual Dating Novel (it's a weird Japanese thing). Basically you are the protagonist, a high school senior named Tomoya Okazaki. You got to attend an expensive private prep school on a free basketball scholarship. You are a dashing bishonen delinquent senior. Despite your bad-boy reputation you are basically modest and nice. Yeah, you are total estrogen bait. Girls are chasing you everywhere. Like I said, it's a Japanese thing. You get to pick one of four girls who are the classic anime romantic stereotypes: the athlete, the brain, the tsundere, and the deredere. (There is also a moe, Fuko, but she's never a love interest.) And there is a fifth girl who is not chasing you at all, and in fact you don't even consider her as a candidate. This is Nagisa Furukawa. And of course she's the one. (I am not spoiling anything - that fact gets telegraphed obviously right in the opening scene of the first episode.)

You live alone with your drunken alcoholic father, who smacks you around, and you are trying to escape that hellhole based on your basketball sports ability. Nagisa is a very shy senior who was held back a year, and so she literally doesn't know anybody else in her class. She's all alone. She feels a bit afraid. Tomoya is a sucker for victims (he is one himself), so he takes her under his wing and basically shields her. He is doing it because that's the kind of gallant guy he is. He doesn't consider her as a romantic interest at all.

Of course the other four girls spot her immediately. The comic relief appears (Sunohara) and tries to hit on the four girls and fails humorously, hilarity ensues, yadda, yadda.

Our couple never kisses or even holds hands, ever. I'm serious. It's as platonic as it gets. Well, until the second season obviously, but you never see them do it (or anything else) on screen. That is what makes it so effective. Tomoya meets Nagisa's family, the Furukawas, and they are the most loving perfect married couple you will ever see, the complete diametric opposite of Tomoya's totally worthless alcoholic father. He is stunned. He doesn't even begin to know how to fit in. Think of the film My Big Fat Greek Wedding. That indie film made a bundle.

Aside: Can you imagine what a live film treatment of this story would do in the theaters? Yow! And the film budget would be something like $65.12 (less if JC Penny was having a sale that day). Some indie studio needs to buy up the film rights now. It would kick My Big Fat Greek Wedding to the curb. I volunteer to help a WAG affiliated Hollywood screenwriter do it (the story needs major fixing in CAS Ep 22). Cast Jayden Smith as Tomoya and a very Japanese actress as Nagisa, and play up the culture shock between the 'hood and a rigid Japanese ex-pat family. Woo hoo! It would make a mint! I could write a fanfic to fix Ep 22, but I wanna make money on this one.. :-)

The second season, CLANNAD After Story, is where the story goes transcendent. There is a sequence of escalating wham episodes at the end: wham, Wham, WHAM, WHAAM! It left me on the floor. I am trying to reproduce that emotional 'wham' sequence here (except that my fic has a very different emotional arc).

One thing I want to point out: Notice as the story progresses that the ultra-shy Nagisa becomes stronger and stronger. By the end of season one she is quite strong and not shy anymore, and by season two she is as strong spiritually as anyone can ever be. Meanwhile Tomoya starts out emotionally strong, but slowly becomes weaker and weaker. That's all I will say.

Very important: The writers badly biffed the final 'real' episode in CLANNAD After Story (Episode 22). Be sure to watch the scene with Fuko after the credits roll. It is subtle, but it is absolutely critical and interconnects everything. Don't skip it. Watch it twice. Remember the opening montage in the 1st season, connect what you see here with that montage. And if you are still confused, google for 'CLANNAD timeline' and find the timeline diagrams and the explanations. It does work, but it was presented really badly in the story. I have an alternate ending that works much better and doesn't confuse the audience so badly. It requires some minor fixes earlier in the story, plus one non-trivial change. And my ending just rocks. Wow, I want to see it on film. It would make a mint in theaters. I'd ask for screen credit as script consultant, but it would blow my anonymity (drat).

Now, STOP READING. GO WATCH IT. SPOILERS FOLLOW.

STOP. I MEAN IT. JUST STOP.

STOP ALREADY!

Ok.. you still here? Then read on..

If you have already seen CLANNAD or you know the arc from spoilers, then I invite you to watch the following YouTube clip: Clannad: After Story (English Dub) "Into Daddy's Arms" by AsaLothario (about 4 minutes). The clip shows the reconciliation of Tomoya and Ushio. It is a beautiful scene. L5 love is really running strong in both of them.

If you haven't actually seen the series, I will give the background for this critical scene: Tomoya has literally never talked with his own daughter, Ushio, in the five years since she was born. The reason is her obvious exact resemblance to her mother (Luci Christian does both voices - so Ushio even sounds like her mother). Tomoya has never resolved his hangups with what happened 5 years prior, so he refuses to even look at his own daughter because of the painful memories it triggers due to her exact resemblance to Nagisa. The Furukawas are raising her instead. He's reliving his dad's life, basically: drinking, alone, etc. He knows it, and admits outright to Ushio when they finally talk that he is a horrible father to her. She doesn't mind. The Furukawas manuever and force the pair together on a train ride to meet Tomoya's grandmother (his own crappy dad's mom, who informs him that his dad dived into alcoholism and self-destructed after his mom died young in almost exactly the same way). Tomoya finally reconciles with his daughter in this video clip.

It is ultra-powerful. If you are not in tears the first time you see this clip, then you are not human. This scene is a beautiful and touching example of L5 love in action.

And, as incredible as it may seem, the whams in CLANNAD at this point in the story are still rolling in, and they just get bigger and bigger.

L5 is very joyful too. Now, just so you don't think that all L5 makes you blubber, here is a clip of the funniest moments in CLANNAD. The Furukawa family is operating at the L5 joy-level most of the time. See Clannad After Story - Funniest Moments [HD] by 'xAnimeLuver01:3'.

The crazy Furukawa family is as joyful as it gets. It is very evident in this clip.

You see, L5 is not just about sadness and loss. It is about joyousness as well. Very much so. In fact the two are deeply interconnected. Later on I will explain how, and in the final chapter, why.

Just go see the whole thing.

-HuuskerDu