Steve stared at the television the next morning, but he was hardly seeing the screen. He kept thinking of the conversation he'd had with his dad the night before.

When Nicholas had embraced him, Steve felt his defenses crumble, like the fight was draining out of him. He felt weak in that moment, as Nicholas peppered him with questions. He didn't want to lash out or push anymore, even though a part of him was saying he didn't want the comfort, that he didn't deserve it. As his dad held him, Steve felt like a little kid again and finally gave in, accepting and returning the affection, as the answers to Nicholas' questions poured out of him.

This was the first time Steve had gone into much detail about Clara's abuse and the thoughts and emotions that still remained in his mind. This was the first time he had explained anything that happened, the only time he had gone beyond just saying she had touched him in his bed at night. He hadn't only danced across the tip of the truth by saying she hurt him, and he felt bad about it. Steve had gone back to that time in his life and told his dad about what Clara did, what she said to him, and what he'd been thinking.

These were the horrible memories that ripped his mind from the present and hurled him back into the past. Not long ago, Steve would've believed that these old thoughts and feelings would lose power over time, that they would be watered down by now and not even hurt as much, but he had learned that wasn't so. They were so real, they were nearly alive, and they were what his mind twisted back to when it felt like he could actually see, hear, and feel Clara all over again. Steve would, in a flash of memory, become that traumatized boy, as those past thoughts pushed him back in time to the days he had tried to forget.

Steve knew this was the conversation he should've had with his dad back when Clara left. This was what that little boy had needed to talk about. Now, however, there was more because these old memories that Steve had tried to bury and lock away had seeped into the life he now lived, creating more pain. He remembered what he'd told Nicholas about how he was feeling now.

"It's like part of me is broken and can't be fixed."

"And I just feel so full of shame."

Like Steve knew he would, Nicholas had assured him that he was there for him and tried to tell him that he was hurting, but that didn't mean he was broken. He had heard so many times now that he didn't do anything wrong, and nothing was his fault. Yet, Steve was struggling terribly with that now. The shame that had settled so deep inside was the reason he felt broken.

"Laura was so nice, I couldn't take it because I knew she'd want to help, and I feel like I don't deserve her, Soda, Evie, or even you trying to help me."

"It's like some part of me is telling me I deserve to hurt."

Out of everything about his current feelings, this had been the hardest for Steve to admit. The shame ran deep, and he wanted to hide from it. It was what had made him push Evie away and what had made him try to shut Soda out. It was what had made him seek relief and comfort in alcohol, instead of going to his dad when the memories took him away again.

"Soda keeps telling me I'm scared, and he's right."

"I keep trying to shut down and push everyone away, but hell, you guys won't let me."

Soda had tried to break down the walls and come very close to succeeding, and that was what had caused Steve to get angry. He was scared, and that was because it terrified him that anyone else could see that so much more lay beneath his vague references to the abuse and his own emotions and memories. It also scared Steve to realize that something that happened so long ago hurt this much now.

Then, there was Nicholas, who had come in and done the polar opposite of what he did back then by directly going into the heart of what was going on, and in the end, Steve found he couldn't turn away. He needed the love and comfort, as much as the guilt within him told him he couldn't accept it.

"I couldn't let Evie see all that's in me. I can't let it seem like I'm weak when I'm supposed to be the man in her life."

"I know I've been making it harder for myself, but I'm not sure how to make it easier."

Steve loved Evie. She was the sweetest girl he'd ever known, and she would stick with him through anything. Nicholas was his dad, and Soda was like his brother, and they both had always been in his life. Yet, Evie hadn't even known Steve all that long, and she was willing to stay with him, no matter what. He loved her, and it scared him for her to see how weak he must look right now. Steve couldn't help but wonder if she'd look at him and see a man falling apart all because of what a woman had done to him years ago, and that woman wasn't even alive now.

Steve knew he couldn't fix anything by hurting the people in his life, but he couldn't make the shame or any of these other emotions or memories disappear either. He didn't know what else to do to make it easier though, so he figured why not fight? Steve had known he couldn't keep it up, however, because these people who loved him wouldn't back down.

Nicholas had said words Steve was trying to take to heart. He wanted to believe his dad, instead of these ever echoing sounds of shame, fear, and confusion that exhausted him. He longed to replace these with his dad's voice that spoke of love, reassurance, and comfort. If Steve could, he would permanently etch Nicholas' words into his memory and hope they'd eventually overcome the awful words he was still saying to himself that had first materialized in the midst of trauma.

"Hey, man," Soda said, as he came up to the fence and saw Steve sitting in the shade in the backyard.

"Hey. What are you doing here?" Steve asked, glancing up from his spot in the grass, as Soda opened the gate.

"Just came to see you," Soda said, walking across the yard and sitting down beside Steve.

"Oh." Steve looked down at the ground. "I thought you might not want to for a while. I was kind of a jerk."

"No, you weren't, man." Soda shook his head.

"But I'm sorry I yelled at you."

"Well, I yelled too." Soda shrugged.

"But I yelled more, and I'm sorry I tried to push you away."

"It's okay. I think I get it."

"I'm sorry I almost hit you." Steve blinked and glanced at Soda.

"Stevie, stop it. It ain't a contest, and I ain't mad at you. It don't even matter how much you yell at me, I'm not going anywhere."

"I know." Steve focused on the tree next to them.

"And even if you did hit me, I'd bounce right back. I'm like a boomerang, man. You can't get rid of me. I'll still come right back at you." Soda grinned at his friend.

Steve shook his head and fiddled with the grass near him.

"You really thought I'd be mad at you?" Soda asked and Steve shrugged. "But I couldn't be cause I know you're hurting."

"Yeah, and I've felt like I didn't deserve you or anyone else trying to help me. That's why I was lashing out and part of why I was drinking, and I knew you could see what I was doing, that I was scared and wanting to hide."

"Aw, buddy, the only thing you don't deserve is to keep hurting. And I know you, so yeah, I saw it." Soda nodded.

"Everything you said...Man, you hit a nerve every time." Steve finally met Soda's eyes.

"That's what made you mad. I could tell that much. I hope you know I wasn't trying to hurt you."

"I know. But it's cause of this shame I still have. It's like part of me wants help, and another part says I can't have it because I don't deserve it."

"Can I ask you something?" Soda laid a hand on Steve's shoulder.

"I guess."

"You keep saying you feel guilty and ashamed. What is it you think you did wrong? You told me before you felt guilty when Clara died. That isn't all, is it?"

Steve took a deep breath. "I don't know. I just feel like it has to be my fault that she...Well, you know. That she ever touched me and..." His voice shook, and Soda squeezed his shoulder. "And that it kept happening. Even more than that, it feels like something is wrong with me because she ever did that and that I...I don't know. It's like I'm messed up or broken or something."

"I wish you could believe it's not your fault. Not her death and not anything she did to you."

"Last night, my dad and I talked, and I told him a lot of things that I hadn't before. I got a lot out, you know?"

"Good. You needed that. You've needed that for a long time."

"That was the most I've ever talked about what happened and how it made me feel. Man, I was so scared and confused then too. My dad seems like he's really trying to do what he wishes he had then. He told me to tell him what I remember, so I did." Steve took another deep breath. "After going through all of that, it's pretty easy to see why I've been so screwed up."

"I'm real glad you talked to him. It has to help."

"Yeah. I didn't want to, but when my dad got home, he wouldn't let me get away."

"What happened?"

"He started asking questions about what Clara did and said and how I felt. And he held me and wouldn't let go, even when I fought. I just crumbled then and started talking." Steve's voice cracked, as he stared up at the sky.

"I'm glad he did that. I was kind of hoping he would. I'm glad he got through to you." Soda squeezed Steve's arm.

"It's like the talk we should've had back then."

"You dad has seemed like he really wants to do better, Steve, and it looks like he actually is."

"Yeah. I told him what I wanted to when I was a kid. Man, I remember some of the stuff I told him about like it happened yesterday."

"You don't have to tell me anything, but I want you to know you can if there's still anything you need to talk about. We're not kids anymore, and it's okay to talk about it. And I promise I'll still see the same person, no matter what you say."

Steve looked down and squeezed his eyes shut. "Thanks, buddy," he choked out, as he felt tears well up, and Soda tossed an arm around him.

"Can I ask you something else?" Soda asked, when Steve looked up again.

Steve nodded.

"Are you going to talk to Evie?"

"I don't know. Not right now. I mean, yeah, I talked a lot and all, but Soda, I don't feel any different. It's all still there. The things I said to her..." Steve swallowed. "I still feel all of it, and I don't think I should try to be with her right now."

"That's okay, buddy." Soda patted Steve's back. "I'm sure she'll listen whenever you want to talk to her. She didn't sound like she was going to give up too easily. She really loves you."

"Last night my dad listened to a lot that I needed to say, and he even said some things I'm going to try to remember, but it just ain't that easy."

Evie put down the pencil and read over the letter she'd written last night, then rewritten this morning. She wanted to say enough, but not too much, and she wanted to write the truth, without hurting Steve. His words and actions were enough to make anyone see that he was hurting, and she hoped she wouldn't add to that.

Evie picked up the pencil again and added "Love always, Evie," then "P.S. Please talk to me when you're ready." She folded the letter and put it into an envelope she had labeled with Steve's name.