Author's Note: I have a big thank you for all of you who have been reading and enjoying Leave the Lights Off. It was (mostly) a pleasure to write. This will be the last regular chapter, but there is also an epilogue and with the epilogue, I'll also have a sneak peak of the sequel to Leave the Lights Off which should explain what that story will be about. Thank you again for reviewing, reading, and enjoying, and please feel free to review.
Major Author's Note: Someone dies in this chapter. I'm sorry.
Chapter 21
After Sophie explained everything that had happened, Henry and Charlotte summoned Will and Jem for two hours of intense interrogation. They sat by side and denied everything but Charlotte had seen far too much and everything was suddenly making sense to her. The first time Henry had used to word "lovers" Will was certain that Charlotte was going to strike one of them. His cheek still stung from Sophie's slap. Will didn't speak unless spoken to, while Jem lied convincingly until Charlotte finally asked what she was to do with two parabatai who had defied an unspoken rule by tainting their bond with immoral love.
"What's so wrong with me loving him?" Will asks.
"It's not why you love him, it's how," Henry says. "William. If anyone found out about this… this…."
"Love?" Will asks. "Call it what it is, Henry. I don't go around calling Charlotte the woman who tolerates only you." Charlotte gasps and nearly leaps from her chair. Henry holds her back with calming words.
"You could always ban us from the Institute," Jem suggests.
Charlotte sits back in her chair and shakes her head.
"How long has this been going on?" she asks.
"Years," Jem replies. He gives Will the smile Will always loved on him, until now, anyway. "I've loved him for years."
"Go to your rooms. I don't want to see you for the rest of the night. If I catch wind of either of you doing anything… unsavory… I won't hesitate to send one of you to the Silent City for the night," Charlotte states.
Jem stands up and offers a hand to Will, who ignores it and stands up. They walk out of the drawing room and down the hallway. Tessa sees them together and turns away. Jem pushes Will against the wall and presses his lips to Will's.
"Stop," Will mumbles. "You've done enough."
"I did this for you," Jem says.
Henry walks out of the drawing room and clears his throat when he sees Jem's hands on Will's chest. Will looks at Jem and shakes his head.
"I wish you hadn't," Will whispers. He walks into his room, closes the door, and crawls fully dressed into bed. When Jem picks up his violin and begins to play slow, mournful, heart breaking music, Will covers his head with a pillow and wishes for sleep that won't come easily.
Jem has an attack that night and Will goes to him as usual. He finds Jem laying on the floor beside his bed shaking with a seizure. His eyes are open but unseeing, and he screams for Will over and over again. This time, Will can't get the attack to stop, keep Jem from drowning in his own blood, or make the silver haired boy well again. Charlotte assists, holding Jem's head stationary as Will's administers a dose of medicine, but she's silent and judgmental. As soon as the attack is finished she sees Will from the room, but early the next morning, she opens the door to find Will in bed, sleeping with his arms tight around Jem.
They spend most of the day together. They make it easy on Charlotte by always being visible. They read in the library, sitting across the table from one another, ignoring Tessa and Magnus, who are studying as well. They spend meals a reasonable distance apart from one another. They never speak of Paris.
Magnus finally corners Will in the afternoon and says he's taking him to dinner. Magnus questions the strained state of the Institute's current affairs but Will says is that everything is on track for Paris. Magnus kisses Will on the cheek, says he will accept Ragnor's job offer that evening, and tells Will to be ready for dinner at eight. Will smiles, nods, kisses Magnus passionately, and says he will meet him outside at that time.
That evening, Will and Jem sit down to a quiet dinner only Jem eats at. Will spends the time picking at his food, and then, when he has a moment alone with Jem, he tells him that he's hungry for an apple. Will takes a candle from the Sanctuary and carries it out to the garden. When Jem walks beneath the apple tree, Will is already sitting on the bench, bathed in candle light.
"Sit with me," Will says. Jem sits beside him on the bench.
"Half the Enclave is here. Something about Mortmain," Jem says.
"I don't care," Will says. He rests a hand on Jem's cheek and kisses Jem on the lips. Jem kisses back and sinks his fingers into Will's shirt. They share breathes until Jem pulls his lips from Will's and kisses down the side of Will's neck. Will rubs his hands against Jem's chest, and then slips his fingers under his shirt, lightly caressing Jems's skin until Jem's arousal is evident.
Jem unbuttons a few buttons on Will's shirt and kisses his way across Will's collar bones. Will continues to lightly touch Jem's skin and subtly coaxes Jem closer and closer, until Jem lays back onto the arm of the bench and Will goes with him. Jem runs a hand through Will's hair, looks into Will's eyes, and licks at Will's lips before they join together once again.
It feels so very good to be sitting beneath the tree, kissing the way they used to, long before girls or Magnus were on their minds. It had been so long since they kissed and touched and Will finds that for as amazing as Magnus was yesterday, Jem feels so good today. Will knows now that could have never picked between the two of them.
After a few minutes of kissing, Will takes Jem's hand and presses it to his trousers, where his own desire has made an appearance. Jem smiles and shakes his head.
"That's going to have to wait until Paris," Jem says.
"What's going to happen if we're caught together? I've run away before and I'll do it again. That's what you wanted, Jem, was to run away with me. Right?" Will says. Jem looks away but Will kisses down the side of Jem's neck, teasing at the rune beneath Jem's ear with his tongue. "I want you, Jem. I want you to do what you wanted to the other day."
"You want me to… give?" Jem asks. He closes his eyes as Will pushes his hand into the open collar of his shirt.
"I want you inside of me," Will mumbles. "Please, Jem… I want to feel you."
Jem lets out a shuddering breath. He turns to Will and resumes kissing his lips, but Jem's hand is active on the front of Will's trousers. He begins squeezing Will's erection through fabric but quickly needs the feeling of warm, tight skin in his hand. Jem carefully unbuttons Will's trousers and puts a hand inside, but that's suddenly no longer enough, for now, he needs to taste.
Jem kneels on the ground in front of Will, and Will pulls Jem's shirt over his head. Will kicks his shoes off and Jem pulls Will's pants down, pushes Will's shirt out of the way, and takes Will's length into his mouth.
The devious look in Jem's eyes as licks and bites at the head of Will's member is almost too much for Will to bear. He pushes Jem off and slides off the bench, onto the ground beside Jem. They pull their remaining clothes off and toss them onto the ground. Will takes Jem's hand and begins licking his index and middle finger, as his other hand reaches down and begins to stroke Jem. When Jem's fingers are sufficiently wet, Will directs Jem's hand to his backside and Jem goes willingly. He strokes the skin beneath Will's tailbone, then goes further.
"I don't know what to do," Jem mumbles.
"You knew what to do the other day," Will replies.
"I hurt you the other day," Jem says.
"You won't hurt me this time," Will says. "I want it this time." Jem smiles and keeps kissing Will as his touching becomes more probing. He slips one finger into Will after a minute, and then adds another finger.
Jem becomes like clay in Will's hands the longer they delay the inevitable. His desperation is contagious and it's not long before Will is turning his back to Jem. Jem pulls his fingers away and Will misses the feeling of fullness for a second, but then Jem inhales, exhales, and buries himself deep inside of Will.
Will falls forward onto his hands as Jem's erection seems to slam into the base of his spine, sending shockwaves of pain and pleasure up his back. Will spreads his knees and pushes back, bracing himself. Jem grips him by the sides, withdraws the slightest bit, and slides back in again. Jem feels strong this way, pulling Will into him, and Will wonders why he never let Jem do this before.
Their breathing syncs in time with the movement of their hips. Once all of the pain is gone and only the pleasure remains, Will sits back on Jem's lap and moves his body against Jem's as Jem strokes him with one hand and touches his chest with the other. They separate without a word, and Will lays down on the ground. He spreads his legs and Jem moves between them. Jem hooks an arm around Will knee and pushes it up. This time, when he slips back inside, it feels like there is nothing that could physically pull them apart.
Jem kisses Will's lips. His chest is shiny with sweat in the candle light. Will sucks on each of Jem's nipples until Jem begs him to stop. Jem's hair gets in Will's eyes so Will holds it back. He looks into Jem's eyes and finds himself mumbling "I love you" over and over again.
Their bodies nearly unravel multiple times, but each manages to hold off until Jem begins to gasp like he's in pain. He comes deep inside of Will, looking down, his mouth open as he thrusts despite the throbs of his orgasm. When Jem is finally spent, he keeps pushing inside of Will, and all of the flooding heat in Will's stomach finally pushes him over to edge as well.
Will digs his heels into Jem's back and finally comes between them. Jem cries out as he feels rhythmic pulsations on his own spent member. Jem falls against Will and Will wraps his arms around Jem, holding the shivering boy against him.
"I love you," Will says.
"I love you to," Jem replies.
Getting dressed becomes optional. Wiping away the evidence of their love becomes unnecessary. They're lying forehead to forehead, staring into one another's eyes, when a twig snaps and Magnus walks beneath the apple tree.
Jem gasps and sits up, backing quickly away from Will. Magnus doesn't look at Jem- Jem is really an afterthought at this point- and instead looks at Will's nude form still on the ground. Jem stands up, grabs his pants, and pulls them on.
"Will," Magnus whispers, "Will, what are you doing?" He looks confused and his eyes dart over to Jem, then back to Will. Will almost starts to feel bad. He yawns and sits up; he finds his pants and pulls them on. Jem's putting on his shirt, shaking his head, not looking at Magnus.
"What does it look like?" Will asks. "You didn't expect me to be faithful to you, did you? I thought that was just for that challenge. I thought you were inviting Jem and I to Paris so we could have threesomes whenever we wanted. Jem is a very big part of my life, you know that."
Magnus shakes his head and runs a hand through his hair.
"You had sex with him but you were with me little more than 24 hours ago. Have you nothing to say for yourself?" Magnus asks. Will shrugs. "We were going to Paris, Will. We were in love and we were going to Paris and… Jem was coming with us as your parabatai. I thought… I thought I meant something to you, Will."
"I just wanted to win the challenge," Will says. "Going to Paris is just the icing on the cake."
"It wasn't just a stupid challenge!" Magnus cries, "I loved you, Will!"
"I'm sorry for that," Will states. "As I said before, you should have known better."
"I thought I knew you and I thought I could love you and I thought you could love me back," Magnus says. "I was wrong, Will. I was so wrong."
There is a flash of light, and Magnus is gone.
Jem is standing beside Will, and when Will turns to him, Jem shoves him away.
"How could you?" Jem demands. "You had everything going for you, and yet you refuse to let anyone love you. Admit it, Will. You wanted to be with him, but he loved you and you still believe that my love is the only love you deserve. You deserve to be happy but you refuse to be."
"He was just a warlock," Will says. "He's going to live for a long time. He'll find love."
"Yes, but you already had, and it wasn't with me," Jem says. "You can't use me as an excuse not to find love." Will shrugs. "I thought there was a limit to your self loathing. Now, I see that there is not. I can't be with you Will, not this way, ever again." Jem turns and walks away, leaving Will completely alone.
Late that night, Will and Jem are called to go demon hunting. When Will walks into the locker room, Jem is already there, dropping his armor over his head. Will reaches over and buckles the straps over Jem's shoulders, and Jem gives him a rueful smile.
"It took me a while, but I figured out why you did it," Jem says. "You would have rather broken Magnus and I both over hurting just one of us, because you knew if we went to Paris, you would still want to be with me, and that wasn't fair to him. Not when he loved you and…"
"I love you," Will says. "That's all that matters to me." Will turns his head and kisses Jem on the lips. Jem looks into Will's eyes.
"Did you at least love him?" Jem asks. He removes a weapons belt from his locker and puts it around his hips. Will pulls his shirt off and puts another one on. He considers Magnus and thinks about how, very briefly, they were able to share a fearless sort of love. Nothing bad would have even happened between them, and that was what Will had been afraid of. He felt incapable of maintaining such perfection. Sooner or later, Magnus would find a crack in the relationship and find Will suddenly unworthy of Paris.
"I said that I loved him, but I don't know," Will says. "I felt for him, a lot. He was wonderful to me. He was… perfect. But sometimes I fear that you might've ruined me for love, because I'll never love anyone the way I love you. When you die, I don't know how I will ever live without you."
"Life will go on," Jem says. He rests a hand on Will's back. "You'll love again. You're allowed to love, Will. If it was possible for me to release you, to tell you to chase Magnus down and beg him to take you back, I would, but…"
"I wouldn't chase him down. I only want you," Will says.
"Just promise me, if you get the chance to love someone that hard again… don't let it pass you by. Take the chance, because you'll never know how many you are going to get," Jem says. He kisses Will on the lips and remains close to him for a moment. "Get dressed. I'm going to wait in the hall. I don't want to upset Charlotte." Jem stands up and walks out of the room.
Will dresses quickly, collects his weapons, and leaves the locker room. Charlotte gives Will his usual satchel of provisions, states that Henry will wait up for them, and shows them to the door. This time, there is no one else to say goodbye to. Will feels bad for a second, then he takes Jem's hand and pulls him out the door.
The night is typical, boring even. They walk the streets all night and kill many small demons, then take their break sitting on the railing of Blackfriar's Bridge, dangling their feet over the black water beneath them as they feed each other bits of bread and cheese. They talk about turning 18, spinning a globe, and picking their next destination. They talk about moving somewhere so hot, they have to spend every day swimming naked in a lagoon. They talk about moving somewhere so cold, they would have to spend every night snuggled together in front of a fire with steaming mugs of hot chocolate. They dream big, because these dreams are worth having.
They break every rule in the book when a moment seizes them and they lock themselves in an abandoned room, strip off their weapons and armor, and make love as loudly as possible. They profess their love over and over again, because, after all, love is worth having.
They go back out and continue to hunt demons. Will has bad luck with his weapons. He loses a dagger to a Shax demon and a seraph blade to an Oni demon. Both times Jem comes to Will's rescue by knocking both demons out with a large sword, and he doesn't let Will forget it either.
They are covered with sweat and Will's cheek is bleeding just a bit when the sky begins to lighten, signaling that it's time to return home. They are across town from the Institute, and are both becoming exhausted when they are halfway there.
"So Madagascar, then?" Jem asks. He had proposed Madagascar earlier in the evening, and Will found himself warming up to a tropical destination.
"Madagascar," Will replies. Jem smiles and kicks at rocks as they walk along. When they come to Hyde Park, they debate crossing the park or going around it, but decide to cross it.
"I was thinking we could always visit China," Jem says, "We don't have to stay, but I would like to take you to the Shanghai Institute. It's built into the side of a mountain- you can see for miles."
"You miss your parents, don't you?" Will asks.
"Not a day goes by I don't think about them," Jem replies. "What about you? Don't answer if…"
"I would go to Wales," Will says. "My parents have a home in a town called Northcliff. It's a few stories tall, and when you went to the third floor, you could see the ocean. The air always smelled like cold salt water…. Not like it does here. It smelled the way air should smell." Jem inhales and scowls.
"Shanghai, then Wales, then Madagascar," he says, "Wait." Jem puts a hand across Will's chest and strains to listen. There is a cool, quiet breeze that brings with it the smell of rain and demon. "Will?"
Will scans the park, looking for demons, but he sees none. They are standing in the middle of a wide open field- the demon or demons could be anywhere. Jem pulls a sword from the holder across his back and they each walk a few steps apart. There is silence. Then, out of the corner of Will's eye, he sees a glowing red disk and hears a loud clicking noise less than six feet away from them.
Jem screams something- Will isn't sure what- and throws his body in front of Will's. Will sees silver among the darkness, and hears Jem hit the ground. Will pulls a blade from across his back, yells the name of an angel, and rushes at the eight legged demon that has finally made its presence known. Will plunges the blade into the demon's eight eyes and the demon folds in on itself. For something so large, it is so easily killed.
Then, there is more silence. The sky is quickly turning pink. Birds have begun to chirp but just below them, Will hears a low, quiet, painful moan. He drops the blade, turns around slowly, and this time his ears catch a tiny, hiccupping sob. A few feet away, Jem remains down on the ground, three poison darts buried in the armor across his chest.
Will cries out, runs to Jem, and kneels beside his fallen comrade. Jem manages to sit up for a second, then he nearly falls and Will catches him in his arms. There is no blood, just green poison dripped down the front of his armor. For just a second, Will tries to believe that somehow, the armor has protected Jem, but it has instead failed. Jem gasps and lifts his hand to touch the darts, but Will grabs Jem's hand and holds it down. In all of the times Will pictured this exact scene, he never thought it would look like this. Will's chest hurts as his own heart pounds, and he can only imagine how Jem must feel.
"Will," Jem whispers, tearfully, "It hurts!"
"It's going to be okay. I can pull them out," Will says, but then he remembers that Magnus had forceps to pull one dart out. "Let's just go to Magnus."
"No," Jem says. "Will…Maybe this is for the best." Jem clutches at the collar of Will's shirt and looks into Will's eyes. "We both know I'm going to die, and perhaps this is the best way. To die in battle…" Jem closes his eyes and lays his head back against Will's arm, "This is what we've dreamed of doing!"
"No, I have never had this dream," Will says. Holding Jem in his arms while Jem is injured beyond repair- this is a nightmare come true. Jem opens his eyes again. They are becoming bleached white with only a tiny pupil in the center. Jem's body is shivering, maybe with a seizure, perhaps in shock, but definitely not in fear. It is as though he hoped this might happen.
"Promise me something," Jem says, "Promise me you'll love again."
"Never," Will says. "I'm not doing this. Right now, I'm going to pick you up and take you home. You and I are a long way from goodbye." Jem laughs, once.
"So promise me anyway. Promise me, Will. You know I can't bear the thought of you being alone. Promise me you'll find love, if not for you, then for me," Jem says. "Promise me, Will." His eyes fill with tears and he starts to shiver harder. Jem starts to look frightened. Will can remember what this felt like, to lay on Magnus's kitchen table and think about how it really might be the end.
"I promise," Will says. "Just don't be scared. There's nothing to be afraid of." He takes Jem's hand and holds it tightly. "I promise I'll find someone to love me. Now I'm going to take you back to the Institute right now, and Charlotte is going to make you feel better, and you and I will love each other."
"I don't want to go back to the Institute. I want to go to China… I want to go home," Jem says. His eyes flicker a little, like he might slip into unconsciousness, and Will jostles Jem so that Jem's eyes open completely once more.
"I always loved you," Will says. "Even when I was with Magnus. Even when I was upset with you. Even when you thought I didn't love you anymore, I still did."
"I loved you to," Jem mumbles. He coughs and a little blood comes from his mouth. Will wipes it away with the cuff of his shirt and fears what might come next. He can't imagine holding Jem down during an attack, knowing he will die anyway. He wants Jem to go peacefully. "I wanted to go to Madagascar. I wanted to swim naked with you."
"Are you in pain?" Will asks.
"A bit," Jem replies. "My heart hurts. I just want to go to sleep now. Will you stay with me, just a little while? The shadows scare me." Jem smiles and turns his head so that his nose is pressed against Will's chest. Will holds him a bit tighter, then loosens his grip when he hears Jem's breathing become more strained.
There is so much left to say but Will doesn't know what to say. He keeps Jem in his arms, holding him close, and listens to Jem's breathing. It stops a few times but then starts again, and each breath starts to sound painful. Will finds himself rocking Jem and mumbling how much he loves him. Jem's breathing evens out again, and Will thinks, perhaps, this might not be the end.
"I love you," Will says.
"I love you to," Jem says. His voice is so strong, for a second, Will is sure that Jem has somehow beaten the poison. "Love. Love. I love…"
"I know," Will says. "I know, Jem, I love you to." Jem shakes his head. He's not saying to Will that he loves him, no, Jem is telling Will to love.
"Love," Jem says. His voice remains direct. "Love, Will. Love." Jem opens his eyes and squeezes the collar of Will's shirt tightly in his hand. He looks into Will's eyes.
"I love you," Will gasps and starts to cry hysterically, but Jem shakes his head and grabs Will's face.
"Love," Jem manages.
For a long time he doesn't speak while he still feels alive in Will's arms. Will continues to hold Jem, knowing in his heart that this can't really be the end. He bows his head close to Jem's open mouth and feels the feather soft kisses of Jem's lashes against his cheek as Jem blinks slower and slower.
"Go ahead," Will whispers. "Let me know what it's like."
"It's so bright and warm," Jem replies. "It's… Mother… Father?"
Will lifts his head and looks down as the life flickers from Jem's eyes. His body becomes deadweight in Will's arms as Jem finally lets go.
This had always been the plan, that Jem die in Will's arms, because to die in battle, protecting the man he loved, was a heroic death indeed. Jem's death would be used as an example of heroism, bravery, and unending loyalty to his parabatai, but in this moment, it only feels like Will's heart had been torn out and would follow Jem's soul wherever it may go.
"Ave atque vale," Will whispers. He lifts his hand and gently closes Jem's eyes. Time passes, but Jem never comes back to life.
The rain finally starts to fall harder but Will remains on the ground, his head bowed, his sobs silent and painful. The sun starts to rise behind clouds. Will looks up at the pewter gray sky and lets the rain blur and sting his eyes. He can't help but think that nothing will ever be the same, ever again.
Author's Note: I'm sorry for your loss. Review as you wish. Epilogue to follow by the weekend.