This was meant to be light-hearted and cheerful-ish, but turned a little bit emo, in its own way. Not like, ragingly emo, but still, a little on the bittersweet side. In the end though, I did want to do something for Christmastime, so I went ahead and posted it.
Did some research for this one, but honestly, I can't promise that it's all going to make sense or be accurate. I don't have a great deal of faith in the information I get off the internet…
Anyway, Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays/Happy Hanukkah etc. to you all, and may it be better than my own.
Hakkai's Christmas
"Fuck Christmas Eve."
"It's not that bad." Bao-zhi decided, sipping off his whiskey.
I shotgunned mine, poured another double right away. "It is that bad. Where're all the guys? At home making love to their girlfriends. Where're all the girls? They're all starry-eyed 'cause it's Christmas Eve, so they're out looking for a respectable man they can have a romantic evening with. There's nobody to play cards with, and no chicks to screw."
Bao turned to raise his eyebrow at me, "If you could hear what you said just now…"
"It's true—just look at this place." I gestured to the bar around us, "It's totally dead. Nothing but a handful of loser old men who either never got married, or whose wives died, and they're all so fucked up, they wouldn't even be good to play a game of cards with."
"You know there's more to life than fucking and gambling, don't you?"
"Sure. We got whiskey, don't we?" I saluted to him with my next shot, then took it in a swift gulp.
Bao made this 'that's true' kind of face, took another sip from his glass and smacked his lips. "What I'm saying is, maybe you oughta' get yourself a girlfriend, and then Christmas Eve wouldn't suck so much."
"What? Did you just say what I think you said?"
"That you should think about at least trying the g-word? Yeah."
"Why the hell would I put myself through the agony of dealing with the exact same girl over and over?"
"Maybe because you're twenty years old now, and that's what people do."
"It's not what I do. I don't do commitment and relationships and that shit, and you know it."
"I know. I was just suggesting you give it a try. It's a lot more normal. Not to mention, more responsible. And who knows. You might like it."
"Pft. Yeah right. I might like it if some chick nails my cock to the wall? No thank-you. By the way, I couldn't help noticing you don't have anybody in your life either, Bao."
"Not right now. But I have in the past. I'm almost forty, Goj—I've tried relationships, so I have something to base my opinion of them on."
"It must not be a very high opinion, if you're choosing to spend the last half of your life alone."
He snorted, "It's different for everyone. I'm just suggesting you try it for yourself so you can figure out if it's right for you or not."
"I don't need to. I know it's no good for me just by looking at it."
"All right. Well, just be careful—you don't want to wind up being lonely and bitter some day, and the next twenty years are gonna' go by really fast, Goj."
I took another shot, heaved an exasperated breath, "Ah, shaddup. What's it to you?"
He grinned a little—Bao-zhi's grin always made me think of a wolf, all toothy and sharp, with his eye patch and his long nose—turned his one good, pale eye on me, "People might start thinking you're gay, if you keep hanging out with nobody but Hakkai all the time."
My face flushed with outrage at the suggestion, "Like who? I don't hang out with Hakkai all the time—we live together—"
"You live with a guy and you don't have a girlfriend."
"But I ain't fucking the guy! I fuck chicks! People see me fuck chicks!"
"Well, we see you taking chicks home. What you do with them when you get there, nobody knows."
"What the hell else would I do with 'em?"
"I have no idea. Maybe they watch you and your boyfriend get it on." He laughed.
"He's not my boyfriend! Geez, can't a guy have a room mate?"
"Having a room mate isn't the problem—not having a girlfriend, ever, is the part that looks suspicious."
"Fuck you, man. I'm not gay—I just don't dig the commitment thing, okay?"
He laughed for another minute or two before settling down and resting his hand on my shoulder, and then his voice was suddenly really serious. I wasn't expecting it. "You should try not to put so many limitations on yourself, kiddo'."
I looked back at him, steadily, and I knew exactly what he meant, but I just scoffed, "What limitations? I can't help it if I don't like commitment."
"You know what I'm talking about. It's not fair to you, Goj."
"Whatever. It's not about that." I took another shot, a little slower this time.
"If you say so." He stood up suddenly, "I'm going to head out—there's nothing going on around here."
"You can say that again. Stupid Christmas Eve."
"Maybe you better head home too, huh, Hot Shot? No point sitting here, getting drunk by yourself."
"It ain't late—besides, there's nothing better to do."
"Might as well go home and have a few drinks with Hakkai; he's the only person you ever really wanna' hang out with anyway, right?"
"Screw off, would'ja? We live together: no shit we see each other a lot."
Chuckling he ruffled my hair, and then he slapped some money down on the bar, and I saw it was more than enough to cover both our bills. "Hey, what the hell, Bao? That's one helluva' tip for the bartender."
"Merry Christmas, Goj." He was already walking away, and no matter what I said, he wouldn't come back. Before I knew it, he was out in the snow, heading down the street, so I finished my drink, sat a little longer, thinking, and then got up and left too.
It was snowing lightly, and the night sky was cloudy—I couldn't even see the moon, and the sky was pitch-black. The streets were silent, but the lights in the buildings around me were still on, and whenever I passed a house I'd hear laughing or singing, and I knew everyone else had some reason to celebrate. To me, it was just another normal night without a good screw.
Oh well. It only came once a year—things would be back to normal tomorrow night, so why worry about it? I figured I might as well go home, maybe play some cards with Hakkai, for the hell of it, and then go to bed. I could live with that.
What was the deal with Christmas Eve anyway? I didn't see the fascination with it—presents and Christmas Cake and chicken and all that shit—and I never had. I'd spent the last eight Christmas Eves all by myself, and I couldn't remember what the twelve before that had been like, but if they were anything like all the other days of my childhood, maybe I didn't really want to.
If it came out of my childhood, it had to be either lonely or painful, and that was just the truth, not me bitching about it. I wouldn't bitch about Christmas Eve if you were gonna' pay me to—it wasn't worth it.
Walking home in the cold wasn't so bad, and it wasn't that late yet. Ten? It was just such a shame I hadn't run into a chick to keep me warm tonight, but I wasn't kidding with Bao. Christmas Eve came around, and all the girls had boyfriends, out of nowhere, or they were out looking for one. They weren't looking for a cheap one-night-stand with the guy everybody in town knew wasn't going to hang around, they wanted something fancy and romantic and expensive, something Christmasy and dreamy. Like a damn miracle or something.
I think, last year, I found a girl to bang, but she was upset with me in the morning, probably because she knew all her friends had spent the night under a Christmas tree and got a bunch of cutesy stuff handed to them on a silver platter, right before some guy went down on them. She wasn't satisfied with wham, bam, thank-you, ma'am at all.
Not like I really cared, but I had definitely learned that if I wanted to get laid on Christmas Eve and not get slapped in the morning, I might as well just get a hooker, and this year, I didn't have the money for that.
When the house was in sight, I stopped dead in my tracks. That couldn't really be my house—it was in the right spot and everything, but it couldn't actually be my place. There were colorful lights hanging all along the roof, the tree in the front yard was wrapped from top to bottom with them too, a star capping the peak off, and there were a few cheap-looking snowman decorations in the front yard, grinning with round, coal teeth and waving with their plastic-shit mittens. Someone had built a real snowman next to the fake ones. It was sloppy, droopy-eyed, with a daikon radish for a nose instead of a carrot, and uneven, spindly arms. As I passed it, I gave it a long, suspicious look. Was that my scarf around its neck?
"Pffffffft… Go figure."
Oh well. I should have expected some shit like this.
I opened the door, struck immediately by the intense warmth of the air and the overwhelming scent of something sweet. There were voices in the kitchen.
"I'm back." I called, yanking my coat off and throwing it to the side, "Hey, what's-?"
I hesitated to glance around the house. It was decorated like a kindergarten class had come through on a field trip and had been given permission to do whatever the fuck they wanted in my living room. Ornaments were hung from the ceiling off of strings, there were red and green ribbons, beads, sparkling lights, garland, fake snow, tinsel, wreaths, holly—you name it, it was hanging off my walls and ceiling. There was this hand-knit red and green and white throw over the back of my couch, and I was standing on a plush rug that said 'MERRY XMAS' in bright red letters.
"What the fuck?"
I gawked around a little longer, wondering if I'd wandered into the wrong house.
In one corner of the room, someone had set up a tree, wrapped it with all the same kind of garbage that was cluttering my house, wound in lights that didn't even match, with crappy, cheap ornaments—seriously. This was not the kind of Christmas tree you saw in the window at the department store. It had popcorn strings and handmade ornaments on it and it looked sort of God-awful. There were a handful of presents sitting under it, and they were probably the nicest part of the whole set up. Sitting on a table next to the tree was a gingerbread house, a couple stories high, all decked out with frosting snow and peppermint windows.
"What the fuck?" I muttered again, sort of stumbling back and trying to keep my balance. I didn't see my magazines or cds or clothes or any of my shit, actually, anywhere.
Hakkai came in from the kitchen, laughing, "Oh, you're home. I didn't think you were coming back tonight."
I glared at him. He was wearing a green and white Christmas sweater, and he looked way too happy. I wanted to strangle him the second I saw him.
"Why wouldn't I come back? I live here."
"Ah, yes, but I thought you'd be spending the night elsewhere…well, it hardly matters. Come and say hello to Goku."
"Goku's here? Why? What happened to my house? What's all this crap?"
"Our house." He corrected, cheerfully, "And it's just a little festivity."
I blinked at him, still not believing this was happening to me, not sure if I should scream about it or just let it go.
Hakkai's smile didn't fade away, but it did turn slightly apologetic. "I didn't think you'd mind."
"I don't mind."
"You look annoyed."
"No." I glanced around the house one more time. "I'm just…surprised."
"I'm sorry—I didn't mean to surprise you."
"Whatever. You live here too, so… Whatever."
"It will all be taken down day after tomorrow, of course."
"Don't worry about it." I said, as sincerely as I could, and then I followed him into the kitchen.
Goku was sitting at the table, surrounded by piles of construction paper and glue and glitter and markers and all the other kind of kiddy arts and crafts shit I thought I'd never see in my house. It sort of had me scowling again. He was wearing a sweater too, but his was purple, and he had a red and white Santa hat on his head.
When I came in, he beamed up at me, "Hey Gojyo! You're home!"
"Damn straight I am, so clear that shit off my table and get me a beer." I was only half-joking with him.
"I can't. I gotta' finish this." He went back to his construction paper, intently.
I sighed and got a beer for myself. This was not going very good. Not getting laid was bad enough, but coming home to find that Hakkai had turned my house into a winter-fucking-wonderland was really annoying.
I don't know why exactly. I was a bachelor. I didn't decorate for Christmas and make gingerbread houses and put tasteless junk up all over. Christmas Eve came and went, every year, unrecognized, and that was totally fine with me.
"Um, what the hell is going on?" I asked suddenly.
Hakkai was busy at the stove, "Oh, I just thought it would be nice if Goku got to do a little celebrating this Christmas."
"Right. And he couldn't decorate the living shit out of the temple?"
He just laughed, like I was kidding, "I doubt Sanzo would have allowed it. He's not nearly as easygoing and understanding as you are."
Obviously he was trying to smooth the whole thing over—manipulating me like a total pro—because, damn, I did not want to act even a little bit like Sanzo.
I grinned, determined not to show how disappointed I was that I didn't get to spend Christmas Eve the way I wanted to, because now I'd have to put up with the kid hanging around and Hakkai being all…housewife-ish. I sat down next to Goku and started smoking, "Eh, the temple would look like shit with a tree in the middle of it anyway."
Just like how my house looked like shit with a tree in the middle of it. Why the hell do people put up trees for Christmas anyway?
I remembered that Jien and I put a tree up once, when we were kids. I could barely remember that year though, or why we'd never done it again, but it was probably my fault. The only other thing I remembered about Christmas trees was how it felt, being twelve years old, and walking past some fucking family's house and looking through their window at all the warm lights and the decorations and the smiling, happy faces as they opened their stupid presents together.
Stupid, fucking Christmas Eve.
"I never knew people decorated for Christmas." Goku announced suddenly. "It's so cool! Hakkai said we could put up anything we wanted, so he bought all kindsa' ornaments an' lights an' stuff."
I couldn't help shooting another glare at Hakkai. I couldn't believe he'd gone out and wasted all day buying shit just for Goku to string up around the house. Why?
"Isn't it cool?" Goku demanded. "First! We made th' snowman!"
"With my scarf." I grumbled.
Hakkai was quick to answer. "The scarf you never wear, I might add."
"Then we decorated th' outside, 'cause Hakkai said we should do that b'fore it got dark. Then we made the gingerbread house. Then we decorated inside. Then, when it started getting' dark, we put up the tree. Isn't it great?"
He sounded so damn happy about the whole thing…
I tried not to say anything mean. "Yeah. So…what're you doing now?"
"Makin' Christmas cards." Already he was back to coloring on his red construction paper. "I don't have any money ta' buy stuff for people, so I thought I'd make ev'rybody some cards."
"Sanzo'll love it."
He missed the sarcasm in my tone completely and went on jabbering. "Ya' think so? I ain't made his yet—I dunno' what ta' put on it—but I wanna' make it reeeally cool. Think he'll like it?"
"Oh sure. You guys ain't gotta' fridge up there, right?"
Goku turned to give me a long, confused look, "Not really. Why?"
"You're supposed to stick crap like that on the fridge…or some shit…I guess. I dunno'." I glared over at our fridge. It had some notes and magnets Hakkai had hung up and changed out regularly.
Mom's fridge had always been cluttered with Jien's report cards and drawings and whatever else he handed her. I could still remember the card he made her when he was eleven, with the drawing of all three of us inside, and the way she looked at it and cried and tore it up later, when he wasn't looking. I didn't have to be a genius to know why…
Goku was frowning at Hakkai now, "We don't have a fridge at the temple, Hakkai."
"Well, there are other places it can be kept, I'm sure."
"Like where?"
"The wall, perhaps? Or Sanzo may put it on his desk. I can't say for sure. However, you shouldn't let the lack of a refrigerator distress you."
I guess it was enough to satisfy him, because Goku went back to coloring. "What kindsa' stuff do people do on Christmas Eve, Hakkai?"
"Besides turning their room mate's house into a living nightmare?" I said under my breath.
"Oh, a lot of things. Play games, for instance. Some people like to go caroling. More than anything, it's just a good time for family to be together."
"Family." I sniffed. "Family's got nothin' to do with Christmas. It's all about the romance."
Goku was folding his card now, looking thoughtful, "Romance?"
"Stupid chicks think Christmas Eve is the best time to hook up with some dude, because then he has to buy her all kinds of ridiculous, cutesy shit, and treat her like a goddamn princess until the sun comes up. Like it's gonna' be some kind of movie-ending, miraculous, holiday special. They want cake. They want chocolates. They want flowers. They want an f-in' ring. It goes on and on."
By the time I was done, they were both studying me with cocked eyebrows, so I took a swig off my beer and snorted, "Well, it's true. Stupid chicks."
Hakkai smiled winningly at Goku, "Christmas Eve is whatever you want it to be, Goku. You see, it's not about what's 'right' to do on Christmas Eve, it's about what you want to do, and who you want to spend it with. Naturally, I've had my share of romantic Christmases."
His tone dropped when he spoke those words, and his eyes drifted away, turning a little bit sad. Stupid, fucking Christmas Eve was gonna' make Hakkai all gloomy now, and that was going to suck.
He didn't stop smiling though, and it only took him a second to bounce back.
I was surprised as hell.
"But, certainly, romance is not the only thing to be achieved on Christmas Eve. When I was a child, there was a heavy religious influence to Christmas Eve, but that wasn't all we'd do. The town usually donated a large tree to the orphanage, and all the children would participate in decorating it. Sometimes, we'd even exchange our own hand-made gifts. Every year, we were allowed to hang up stockings, in hopes that Santa-San would leave something for us to find in the morning."
"I bet you always got coal." I laughed.
"Santa-San?" Goku's eyes were glowing. You'd think he was five, not fifteen. "Who's that?"
"Ah, Santa-San is the man who spends all of Christmas Eve delivering gifts to the good children of the world."
I leaned back in my chair, "I always thought Hoteiosho was the one who took presents to the kids."
"Who's that?" Goku asked again.
"Hoteiosho is a monk-"
"Like Sanzo?"
"Well…not precisely like Sanzo…no."
"Hoteiosho's a nice guy." I explained. "Not an asshole. Plus, he's got eyes in the back of his head."
"Hm." Goku smiled and leaned his chin against his hand, "Sometimes I think Sanzo's got eyes on th' back of his head."
"Yeah right. That guy is not that special. Either way, he ain't no Hoteiosho…or Santa for that matter."
"They're one in the same, I believe, it's all a matter of personal preference on what you want to think and what you wish to say."
"But he gives people presents?" Goku demanded. "Some guy runs around and brings presents ta' everybody?"
"Well…so they say. You see, according to popular culture, children who have been good all year are permitted to write a letter to Santa-San, and then, hopefully, they'll be granted their heart's desire on Christmas morning."
"Don't get too caught up in that." I puffed, "Goddamn Santa-San never brought me shit." I don't know why I didn't just go ahead and tell him none of it was real. I guess it wasn't my style.
"I presume that's because you were an obnoxious, crass, naughty little boy, and in many ways, still are."
"Yeah, well what did Santa-San ever bring you, Hakkai?"
"Coal, mostly."
Goku laughed suddenly, "You guys don't actually believe that stuff, right? It's all a joke, yeah?"
We both turned to look at him.
"It's for children." Hakkai decided, at last, "Still, the symbol of Christmas is important, whether you believe in Santa-San, or prescribe to a more religious type of holiday, or if you simply enjoy the commercial aspects—that is to say, romance and cake and gifts. It hardly matters: everyone keeps Christmas in his own way, but the important thing is that it's a time of good will and generosity, family and friendship; it's a day when-"
"Christmas is stupid." I interrupted, getting up to grab another beer. "All that bullshit about good will and generosity and family and whatever. It's all as much crap as Santa-San and his magic deer. Christmas is just another stupid day, when people all over the world go out and spend way too much money on pointless garbage like trees and ornaments and presents. Some fat bastard somewhere thought up Christmas so he could make money off the saps and religious fanatics."
They were both staring at me again, and Hakkai looked mildly disapproving. He shrugged and said, "I suppose cynicism is another way to keep Christmas, so to speak. To each his own."
I sat back down to drink my beer, and everyone was quiet. I didn't know if I'd fucked up their mood or not. I wasn't trying to. I just thought Hakkai was full of shit, telling the kid all that warm, fluffy crap. It's not like he had parents or something, and I doubted spending Christmas in the orphanage was a great time, filled with generosity and friendship and blah blah blah. Personally, I couldn't think of one, single, good Christmas Eve in my entire life—all of them had been totally lacking in good will, generosity, friendship and family.
Maybe once, there was a Christmas when Jien came up to my room, after he and Mom had spent the whole night laughing and eating Christmas Cake and fried chicken and having fun around the tree after I'd spent the first half of the day getting the snot knocked out of me. I sort of remembered him sitting down next to me on the edge of my bed and handing me some cheap-ass toy he'd bought with part of his allowance, and maybe some candy. That was it though. That was the generosity and peace on earth that had filled my Christmas, and that wasn't because it was some fruity holiday when people did shit like that. It was because Jien was my goddamn brother, and he probably spent his whole childhood feeling sorry for me.
A little angrily, I got up and walked across the house, back to the living room, and stared out the window. The snow was heavier now, and my breath left steam on the glass, the night was dark and empty, and I didn't see anything magical or wonderful or happy about this stupid holiday.
Hakkai and Goku murmured in the other room for a few minutes, about the cards Goku was making and other Christmas-related garbage. Then Hakkai came to me. I felt him at my shoulder, lingering a moment before saying, "It's good weather for hot sake, don't you think?"
"Yeah." My voice was more sullen than I meant for it to be, and I couldn't figure out why. I couldn't figure out why this shit was bothering me so much, except that maybe it was just because I'd never had to really look it in the eyes and face it before. I wasn't stupid. I knew that having nothing but shitty memories of Christmas Eve meant I'd had a really shitty childhood. I just turned twenty, so technically I was only just now an adult, but every Christmas Eve that had ever come before this one had been cold and lonely, and that would be okay, except that I couldn't help feeling a little bit jealous of the people who had it good, who'd always had somewhere warm and safe to go on Christmas Eve—whether they were with their family or their lover—the laughing families I'd stared at through windows. I didn't want to be angry and jealous, but it pissed me off that there was a holiday that was devoted to rubbing it in my face that I'd never had anyone important in my life, and that I still didn't, even now. Bao-zhi told me I should try having a girlfriend, and it was true that if I did, I'd have someone to at least be with on days like Christmas Eve and New Year's and Valentine's Day, but…why bother committing to that kind of shit? Commitment was a two-way thing—even I knew that—and deep down, I knew how stupidly, blindly loyal I could be, if I didn't watch myself, and the last thing I wanted was to get all attached to some tart, just for her to find out I was a hanyou and leave me over it. Call it a weakness, if you want, but I didn't think I could really deal with that.
So fuck New Year's and Valentine's Day, and fuck Christmas Eve, and all the people who celebrated it. They had no idea what it was like to be alone. Not just alone because that's where they happened to be at this point in their lives, but alone because it was their fate to be isolated, unwanted and unloved. How many people could actually say that and know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that it was really the truth?
I accepted that fate as my own a long, long time ago, and I didn't dwell on it, but on days like this…days devoted to being with so-called 'loved ones', could anybody blame me for being just slightly bitter or for not being completely on board with the whole thing?
Hakkai was talking again, "I didn't mean for all of this to upset you."
"I'm not. What makes you think I'm upset?"
"Because you're frowning like you do when you're upset. Not to mention that bitter speech you gave us in the kitchen."
I shrugged, "I don't like Christmas, that's all—I'm not upset about it, I just don't care about it at all."
"I really thought you'd be gone all night, you see: that seemed to be your intention when you left earlier. Even so, I didn't realize you'd be so unhappy with Goku and I observing a few traditions on Christmas Eve."
"For the last time." I turned to him, "I'm not unhappy—it's okay—you guys can do whatever you want. It doesn't matter."
Hakkai was looking back at me, a little sadly, I thought, and he lowered his voice, "You see…it's just that…Goku's never done anything like this before. If it's true what Sanzo said about him being locked away for years, then it stands to reason that he's never observed any aspect of Christmas—or any holiday, for that matter—or that he even knew it existed until very, very recently."
I stared at him a while, half of me surprised he'd thought of that, and the other half shocked that I hadn't.
"So I thought…perhaps, in spite my own…misgivings about Christmas—that is to say, my reluctance to observe it, due to recent tragedies and slightly less recent memories—it might be fun for him, playing around and listening to silly, made-up, romantic ideas. He's completely new to all of it, even the concept of playing in the snow.
"It's safe to say, he's had a very lonely past, which I must admit I don't consider every day, being that he's always so cheerful, but I thought I might at least give him the chance, and the initial experience, and then he'll be able to form his own opinions. In the very least, he'll have made a good memory."
Slowly, I turned to look at the kid, who was scribbling away in the kitchen, humming along with the Christmas music Hakkai had playing, totally oblivious to the fact that we were talking about him, and I guess I hadn't thought about that…any of it, at all, but Hakkai was right.
Goku's past was even lonelier than mine, and here I was, throwing a fit about some ornaments, because I didn't really like the memories they gave me. All along, even if my life wasn't perfect, I'd at least had my freedom to roam around and do whatever I wanted. Goku didn't even have that.
It made me feel sort of like an asshole.
Eventually, Hakkai said, "I don't fully understand your reasons for the sentiments you have toward a holiday that was originally created in the spirit of thanksgiving, kindness and generosity, regardless of what it is here and now, and I certainly don't expect you to participate, or even enjoy it, necessarily. I just thought I would apologize for just assuming this would be all right with you, and remind you that you're welcome to join us, if you like."
I scraped the hair out of my face, "Am I really throwing that much of a fit about it?"
"No, not at all. It seems to me that you're just strangely unnerved by all of this. You should have seen your face when you came in—like a deer in the proverbial headlights."
Did Christmas make me nervous? I'd never thought of it that way, but I guess, in a way, I could see what he was talking about. I'd spent so much time being forced to stay outside of it, I wasn't really expecting to just walk into it out of nowhere.
"I don't really know what to do." I admitted, finally.
"You don't have to do anything, if you don't feel like it. It's not as if there's some quota for Christmas cheer."
"I don't wanna' bum you guys out."
"Somehow I doubt you ever possibly could, Gojyo. You're not exactly a bummer, by nature."
Once again, I looked around the house, feeling kind of stupid about the whole thing. No one had ever made me a part of their Christmas Eve before, so maybe it wasn't just a matter of wandering into it unexpectedly. Maybe I couldn't get it out of my head that I didn't belong, and that left me not knowing where to go.
Hakkai spoke up again, like he'd read my thoughts, "Come have some sake with me."
"I guess. If that's okay…"
He cocked his head and gave me an odd look, and somehow I knew exactly what he was thinking too, because it's what anyone would think. Gojyo acts like some abused, little kid. Maybe some day I'd have to tell him that I was. Used to be.
I almost backed out at the last second, and then he suddenly smiled, "Don't you know an invitation when you hear one? Stop being so nervous about nothing, and let's go."
There wasn't so much as a hint of mockery in any of that.
He grabbed my arm and pulled me back to the kitchen, where Goku was waiting for us, smiling hugely. Immediately, he got to his feet, thrust a scrap of red construction paper at me, "Here! Merry Christmas!"
I took it from him, a little bit slowly, and Hakkai went to heat up the sake. "Um, thanks."
The front was decorated with candy canes and drawings of Christmas cake and gingerbread men, and a bunch of other food stuff, and he'd written Merry Christmas on it in big, red and green striped letters. Inside were more doodles of food, trees with lights, snowmen, and weird drawings of him and me, standing in the snow, which was his new favorite thing, since I'd shown him that it wasn't scary. Looking at it made me feel like even more of an asshole than before.
I wrinkled my eyebrows at it, "Not an artist, huh, monkey?"
"Hey, jerkface! I worked on that a long time, so don't make fun of it!"
"No, seriously. You need to work on your proportions and realism and shit."
That confused the living hell out of him. "Wassat?"
I laughed. "Don't worry about it."
"Now, now, Gojyo." Hakkai handed me a cup of sake, "Don't tease Goku like that—it was very nice of him to make you a card at all."
"Yeah, yeah, thanks a lot, chimpy." I grinned and ruffled his hair, "Tell ya' what. I'm gonna' stick it over here on the fridge." I tacked it up with a magnet that was shaped like a house.
Goku's scowl melted off right away, "For real? Hey! You should leave it up there for a really long time!"
"Or just until Christmas is over. You know. Whatever makes the most sense."
"C'mon, please? You should leave it up for as long as I know ya'!"
I rolled my eyes and sipped off the sake. "Yeah, we'll see." With that, I slumped down into my chair, propping my boots up on the table, "Hey, how come Sanzo's not here? Don't tell me he's too good for a traditional Christmas Eve with the only friends he has."
"Ah, well…" Hakkai was sipping his sake too, "We tried to convince him to join us, but he said he wasn't interested in rolling around in the snow and hanging 'worthless junk' off of freshly cut trees."
So Sanzo got out of Christmas. Too bad I couldn't have.
Goku handed Hakkai his card, which was green—go figure—and my room mate accepted it with a gracious, "Oh, my, thank-you, Goku. It's wonderful." He reviewed it for what seemed like five minutes too long, probably just to make the kid feel good, and then he hung it up on the fridge with mine. By then, Goku was already coloring furiously on a piece of purple construction paper, which I figured was for Sanzo. I tried to take it from him to look at it, but he just screamed at me and covered it with his whole upper body until Hakkai finally told me to leave him alone.
"Whatever. I don't wanna' know about all your gay feelings for Sanzo anyway."
"You're such a jerk, Gojyo! Even on Christmas!"
"Well yeah. I'd never let a stupid, little thing like Christmas stop me."
"What about all that stuff Hakkai said about good will an' bein' nice an' stuff?"
"It doesn't apply to monkeys."
"I'm notta' monkey, ya' damn, mean-ass kappa!"
"You draw like a monkey."
"Do not! Your card's way cool! Ya' didn't make me a card at all!"
"I didn't have to."
"Fine, I'll just take it back!"
"No way, I'm keeping it forever, remember?"
"Ya' can't. I want it back now. Now!"
"Good luck getting it."
"It ain't like ya' locked it up or somethin', it's right there."
"You can't just walk into my house and start taking shit off the fridge like that."
"It's my card!"
"No it's not. Look—it's got my name on it, right there. I don't see your name anywhere, monkey boy."
"Well." Hakkai said suddenly, pouring himself another glass of sake, "I'd say it's just about time for the fried chicken."
Goku shut his mouth for a split second, spun around to face Hakkai, and it fell open again, "Fried chicken?! We get ta' eat fried chicken?!"
"Of course, of course. It's a tradition. Everyone eats fried chicken on Christmas Eve. …What did you think I'd been cooking all this time?" He was already plating some up.
Goku rushed over and got back in his chair, shoved all his supplies off to the side, and tucked Sanzo's card away, carefully.
I'd totally forgot that people ate fried chicken on Christmas Eve.
"How come fried chicken?" Goku asked, squirming with anticipation. Or else he had to take a piss—who could tell?
"That's what they eat on Christmas Eve in the west." I told him, matter-of-factly. "Everybody knows that."
"Actually, unfortunately, that isn't exactly true." Hakkai set a plate of steaming, fried chicken down in front of me, "I believe they're more partial to roasted turkey as their holiday dinner in the west. The fried Christmas chicken is just a bit of misinformation."
"I guess you'd know." I snorted, and then I looked down at my meal. It looked pretty damn good. The chicken wasn't too greasy—but definitely greasy enough to be good—the skin was crisp, and there was even a side of mashed potatoes and a biscuit.
Goku was already inhaling his first helping, cramming biscuit and chicken and potatoes in his mouth uncontrollably.
I watched, mildly disgusted, "Hakkai…you probably shouldn't have invited the monkey to dinner. He's gonna' eat us out of house and home."
"Nonsense." My room mate was having another round of sake, eating his fried chicken very civilly, with a fork and knife. "There's more than enough for everyone."
It turned out he was wrong. Goku ate more than half the fried chicken all by himself, and I had to fight just to get a second helping, and then he started going through the cupboards and the fridge, complaining that he was still hungry and whining when I tried to stop him. By the time it was finally over, our kitchen was a mess of dirty dishes and old chicken bones.
"You're right, as it turned out." Hakkai murmured, looking around. He was on his fifth or sixth round of sake by then. "I wasn't exactly prepared for that."
When Goku was done eating, he got out Sanzo's card again and went back to work on it. "Christmas is kinda' fun. Does it really happen ev'ry year?"
"Every year, at the same time." I grumbled.
"Next year, I hafta' get some money an' buy presents."
Hakkai chuckled, "That's very thoughtful, Goku, but it's not necessary. I for one believe Christmas is a good time to be grateful for what one already has."
Goku was quiet a long time, obviously trying to grasp that idea with his tiny, monkey brain.
I thought about it too. I wasn't really the kind of guy to reflect on what he already had and be super grateful for it, but I didn't know if that was because I was ungrateful, or just because I wasn't totally used to having stuff to be grateful for. Like people, for example. Having people to be grateful for in my life was still strange to me. Every now and then, I caught myself expecting them to just walk out on me without a word, even though, lately, I'd been telling myself that maybe I could afford to expect a little bit more than that from people.
Discreetly, I glanced at Hakkai and Goku. They really didn't seem like they would ever do something like that to me. Either of them. I would hate to be wrong.
"Oh, look at that." Hakkai commented. "It looks as if the snow has stopped."
Goku was on the run again, dashing for the door, stupid Santa hat bobbing as he went, "Let's go out an' have a snowball fight, Gojyo!"
"No way."
"Ah, Goku, remember to take your coat." Hakkai was going after him already.
"C'mon, Gojyo! I bet I can kick your ass!"
"You wish." Reluctantly, I found myself following them, and before I knew it, I was standing outside in the snow again. The sky was black as ink, but some of the clouds had cleared away, and a half-moon was shining through. The snow was spread thick and pure for as far as the eye could see, and the trees hedging around us were frosted with them so they looked almost blue against the darkness. I took a deep breath of clear, clean air, fog steaming from my mouth and nose.
Goku was running wild, through the trees and around the yard, leaping over stuff and shouting at the top of his lungs about some crazy shit. He ran a few tight circles around Hakkai, almost knocking him over, and took off again.
Hakkai just laughed, "Well, he seems to be having a good time."
"Crazy, little bastard." I lit a cigarette, in hopes of keeping warm, and realized I'd left my jacket inside, like an idiot. "Hopefully he'll just pass out."
Still, I watched him, feeling a vague touch of jealousy come back to me. I think I'd spent Christmas Eve curled up under a pile of old newspaper when I was fifteen.
No wonder it was hard to think of things to be grateful for.
I turned to my room mate again, "It was cool of you to do this for him."
Hakkai didn't flinch, or so much as look at me, "Perhaps some stupid part of me actually believes I can make up for my sins by doing nice things for others."
"Woah, dude. Way to be a downer."
"I apologize. I just have always had a hard time thinking of things to be thankful for around Christmas time."
"Yeah…"
"Still though. It's good to see Goku having fun. Somehow it makes me feel as if there might actually be hope."
"Hope?"
"Hope that everything I've ever heard about the joy and meaning of Christmas might actually be true."
"Wait a minute, don't tell me you're not buying into your own shit."
He laughed, "Well, I'm not necessarily the one who began promulgating it, and no, I can't say I believe it entirely. However." He grew serious again and looked up at the sky, "There is something about this year…it could be that I've found something to be grateful for again."
"I get that. I-hey, wait."
He gave me a questioning look.
"Do the people in the town think we're gay?"
"Who? You and I?" He burst out laughing.
"It ain't funny, 'Kai. Bao told me people think we're doing it."
"Of course, of course. It's a very serious matter." He was still laughing a little, not even trying to stop, as far as I could tell. "I wonder, why would they think that?"
"Because we live together, and we're both single and shit…I guess."
He laughed that much harder, "I've never thought of you as being single. You're with everyone, more or less, wouldn't you agree?"
"I ain't with you."
"Personally, I've never heard of such a rumor, so I should think that Bao-zhi is just yanking your chain, so to speak."
"Either way, it's-"
A hard, wet snowball smacked me upside the head, almost knocking me face forward.
"Goddammit, Goku!" I grabbed my throbbing skull, whipped around to yell at him, "We're-"
Another one hit me square in the face, making my nose sting and getting snow in my eyes.
"You stupid monkey!"
He was standing just a few yards away, tossing a third snowball up in the air and catching it, looking cocky and ridiculous in his purple sweater and his little, gray coat. "C'mon, Kappa. Ya' can't be pissy all night."
"Who says I'm pissy?"
"Ya' don't hafta' tell me you're pissy—I can just tell."
"Oo, I bet that makes you feel really special, huh?"
"Ev'rybody can tell when you're pissy. Ya' get all weird."
"What's that supposed to mean, 'all weird'?"
He smiled and got ready to throw the third snowball at me.
I dodged to the side, but I wasn't fast enough, and it hit me right in the chest, soaking my shirt.
"That does it! You're going down!" I crouched down to make up a snowball as fast as I could, lugged it at him, but it just grazed his ear. "Shit!"
Goku stuck his tongue out at me and took off running.
I was after him in a second, scrambling through the snow, grabbing some more of it up to make another ball. The next one hit him in the arm, just before he could get behind a tree, and then he was making more too.
We spent a couple of minutes throwing snowballs at each other, chasing each other around and around the house, tripping each other, wrestling in the snow until we were both soaked, and I was really wishing I'd thought to wear my coat out.
"Truce! Truce!" Goku screamed, when I was burying him in the snow.
I let him up with a snort, "That'll teach you, ya' little-"
He threw an armful of powder down the front of my shirt.
"Fuck! Shit! You asshole! What about the truce!" I tried desperately to shake out my shirt, but I was starting to feel cold and wet from head to toe, so it barely mattered.
"You're just stupid, Goj!" He laughed and knocked me down.
I landed hard, flopped around in the snow for a moment or two, while he took off running again, singing out, "Yoooou su-uck, Gojyooooo!"
I put together a sloppy snowball, but it zipped past his head without even rustling his hair.
"Ha-ha! You suck!"
"Shut up, you little prick! I've been drinking!"
"Oh, excuses." Hakkai sighed, standing over me.
I glared at him, "I don't wanna' hear it from you. You've had more than half that bottle of sake."
"And I assure you, I won't be getting beaned in the head with any wayward snowballs."
"We'll just see about that!" I sprang up and threw a snowball point-blank at his face, but he side-stepped it easily. In fact, he dodged the next five snowballs I threw at him, like I was a toddler throwing marshmallows.
"Goku!" I yelled, throwing another snowball, missing again, "Let's get Hakkai!"
"You crazy, Kappa? He'll kill us!"
"Oh, come on. You're not scared of this guy, are you?"
Hakkai stood back, looking totally calm in the blazing, white, moonlit snow.
Beside me, Goku hesitated a little. "Naw, 'course not…. Are you?"
"No. Hell no! Let's massacre him!" I scooped up some snow, molding it into a compact ball until my hands were aching with cold.
Just a couple of minutes later, I was limping back inside, hair dripping, shirt sopping wet, shivering fiercely, my head and arms and chest all bruised and sore from getting smacked by so many damn snowballs. Goku didn't look much better. Wet hair was hanging in his eyes, and his sweater was clinging to him. He kept wiping his nose. My nose was bleeding, and it looked like maybe his was too.
"You should have worn your coat." Hakkai said cheerfully from his place next to me. He looked dry and smug.
"Shaddup. What kinda' machine are you anyway?"
To that, he just laughed.
Goku and I flopped down on the couch, side by side; I scraped wet hair from my eyes, and the kid was getting his nose to stop bleeding. "Hakkai." He whined, after a few minutes, "When're we gonna' eat the cake?"
I glanced up at Hakkai, who was standing over us like he owned the whole world, "You bought a Christmas cake?"
"Naturally. They're common enough to have, don't you think?"
I didn't answer. Over the years, the one thing about Christmas I'd never gotten to try, and in many ways, the only part of it I'd ever wanted to try, was the cake. Mom used to buy really small ones, just for her and Jien to split, and she'd always made sure he finished it all, just so I wouldn't get any. I could still remember how it felt to sit and watch them eat Christmas cake together, and the way I'd always wanted some, ever since then, not just because it looked so good, but because, like everything else about Christmas, it seemed so…welcoming and inviting.
But I'd never been welcomed or invited to have any, and by the time I was able to buy my own, I either didn't have the money, or I didn't see why I should bother, and over time, I'd told myself it didn't matter anymore. I guess I'd given up on ever getting to have some.
It was really stupid and childish, but I couldn't help that. I wasn't in control of all my pathetic issues.
In the end, there was still some idiotic part of me that wanted to give Christmas cake a shot. If I even could.
Hakkai and Goku were in the kitchen already, Goku chattering away, Hakkai laughing a little and reminding him to mind his manners.
I got up off the couch, a little slowly, cold hands shoved deep in my pockets, trying to figure out what to say that wouldn't make me sound really needy and pathetic. "Uh. So…how much's there?"
Hakkai responded without turning to me, "How much of what? The cake? I think there should be enough…assuming Goku is able to control himself."
That didn't tell me too much. Did he get a cake just for the two of them? I remembered that he hadn't been expecting me to come home, so I probably shouldn't expect there to be enough cake to share with me.
"Cool, so, mind if I just…dunno', try a bite of yours? "
Hakkai turned around, holding a small plateful of cake and looking confused, "You don't want your own piece?"
"Oh. I dunno'. Whatever's convenient for you, dude, I don't really care."
He was giving me this look like I was totally whacko, and he handed the plate to me, "Here."
"No, that's okay. I don't wanna' take your piece or anything."
"What in the world are you going on about, Gojyo? That's yours."
I looked down at it.
"It is?"
"I said I got enough for everyone, didn't I? Even if I didn't expect you home tonight, I meant to save some food for you, you know. I wouldn't intentionally leave you out."
I couldn't think of anything normal to say to that—I couldn't think of anything to say that wouldn't be screaming 'Gojyo has major issues'.
Then again, maybe it wouldn't exactly matter. In the short time we'd known each other, I'd seen that Hakkai had tons of issues—being an orphan like me and losing Kanan were just the beginning—so was I really expecting him to judge me by how messed up I actually was?
I couldn't think of any reason for him not to.
Finally, I shrugged, "Yeah, no. I just didn't wanna' be some presumptuous asshole."
"Ah, you're right of course. Expecting your own piece of Christmas Cake is quite a pretentious move." He handed me a fork.
Instead of taking a bite, studied the cake a moment. It did look really fucking good, covered with whipped cream and strawberries and shit. I knew it was just a normal piece of sponge cake, but still…there was something almost forbidden about it. Something that made me wonder if I was actually allowed to have it.
"Just eat it." Hakkai said, going to sit down.
Goku was on the couch again, sitting up on the back of it, so that the cushion sagged under him, bouncing a little, whipped cream and strawberry sauce smeared around the corner of his mouth, and there were just a couple bites of cake left on his plate. He grinned, "Yeah, what's the big deal? It's really good. Don't'cha like cake?"
"Sure, I like cake. I'm-"
"So eat it! You're bein' so weird, just standing there, lookin' at it."
"Gime' a break." I snapped, "Excuse me for not just absorbing it like you did." And then I took a bite, just so they'd shut up and leave me alone. It was as good as it looked.
Goku smiled big and laughed, crammed the last piece of cake in his mouth and sprang up, suddenly, running to the kitchen, "I'm havin' seconds!"
I heard him rattling around, and then it sounded like a dish broke, followed by a low, "Oops."
"Stupid monkey." I muttered, sliding to the floor to sit with my back against the wall. I looked up at Hakkai, who was calmly eating his cake, not concerned about whatever Goku had just broken.
"Did you have Christmas Cake in the orphanage?" I asked, arbitrarily.
"Hm. No. The sisters were unable to afford it, obviously. Up until I met Kanan, I hadn't had Christmas Cake since leaving my parents."
"Bummer."
"Oh, it hardly matters. Christmas Cake is a little too sweet for my tastes, and I see, for yours as well."
I glanced down at my piece again, almost expecting it to disappear on its own before I could have anymore. I guess I was acting pretty weird, so I started picking at it, trying not to seem too eager.
Goku raced past me, his plate loaded up with more cake than any person should ever have in one sitting, "If Gojyo doesn't want his, I'll take it!"
"Like hell you will. I'm eating it, see?"
Goku inhaled the rest of his cake, and then started screwing around under the tree, "Hakkai! I wanna' open my present! Can I? Can I?"
"Now, now, Goku. All in good time."
"What's in it? Huh? I wanna' see!"
"Well, I can't very well tell you, can I? It's a surprise."
"So leme' open it! Pleeeease?"
"Just a moment. I'd like to finish my cake first, if I may. And then I thought it might be fun if we told ghost stories."
I leaned my head back against the wall and started smoking, "What do ghost stories have to do with Christmas?"
"Just a bit of a lesser-known tradition. Ghosts and spirits are a common-running theme in western-type Christmases. However…if you'd rather, I suppose we could all sing carols."
"Story." I decided immediately.
"Very well then. Goku, please come and sit down. You can open that later."
Goku ran back to the couch to sit beside him, hugging his silver-wrapped present close to his chest and looking way too excited.
Hakkai finished his own cake, dabbed his mouth with a napkin, set his plate and fork aside, and began his story…
Fifteen minutes later, I was really, really wishing I'd said caroling instead, staring hard at him, mouth hanging open, feeling like my eyes might pop out of my head, and I think I was even shaking slightly.
Goku looked totally freaked out too, cowering on the edge of the couch, holding his Christmas present tighter than ever so that the paper was crumpled and the bow was falling off.
Hakkai finished eerily, "But that all happened a very long time ago, you see, on a distant Christmas Eve from the past."
Then he laughed. Laughed.
We were all quiet a moment. I stammered, "W-woah, dude. What did that have to do with Christmas? It was freaky as fuck!"
Hakkai smiled at me, brightly, "It took place on Christmas Eve, of course."
"So?! It was still creepy!" Goku squeaked. "Issit a true story?"
"I believe some parts of it may be true." Hakkai said thoughtfully, touching a finger to his chin.
"Like the part about the dead girl lookin' for her husband? Or how she haunts 'im an' kills 'im 'cause she sees him kissin' another girl under the what-cha-call-it?"
"Oh, I couldn't say for sure which parts are true. I do know another one, in which-"
"No more stories." I said, hastily, grinding what was left of my cigarette into my plate. There was still half a piece of Christmas cake on it, and I wasn't sure I was in the mood for the rest of it now. "That had absolutely nothing to do with Christmas, and you are a creep, Hakkai."
My room mate gave me a puzzled look, "Well…if you insist. I suppose I don't have to tell another."
"Yeah, don't. Let the kid open his present or something. God damn." I got up and took my half-eaten cake to the kitchen, poured myself some more sake while I was there. What a ridiculous night. If this was what Christmas Eve was about then I wasn't even a little sorry that I'd missed out on it until now.
In the other room, Goku erupted into cheering and laughter.
I took the sake bottle and went back to see him dancing around the living room, draped in a mid-length, coffee-brown coat with a long, beige scarf, holding a little, white box up over his head. The wrapping paper and cardboard it had all come out of was strewn across the living room.
"Candy!" He was screaming. "It's candy!"
Hakkai was laughing and struggling to get his explanation in edgewise, "I rather thought you'd enjoy that. Also, since this is your first winter…er…that is to say, Sanzo informed me that you don't really have any winter attire to wear, and now that Christmas has come, the real cold weather is going to set in soon."
Goku didn't hear him. Or he didn't give two fucks about what he'd said. He was in hysterics over ten cheap peppermint sticks from the grocery store.
My room mate looked up at me with a shrug and an unbothered smile, "I knitted the scarf myself, but then, I suppose that doesn't matter much, does it?"
Shrugging back, I sat down on the couch, next to him, offered him the sake, and then slung my arm around his neck when he took it, "Anything labor-intensive is wasted on Goku."
"So it would seem."
"You coulda' just got him a couple packs of candy canes and he'd be ecstatic."
"Something to keep in mind for next year, I suppose."
"Next year." I sighed. "Right."
"Christmas Eve isn't really that terrible, now is it?"
"It's worse than terrible. Anyway, I can't believe you knitted him a scarf. That's sorta' weird."
"I don't see why."
"Knitting is kinda' a chick thing to do, isn't it?"
"Oh, I don't believe so. Traditionally, women do more knitting than men do, but I don't think it's completely limited to their sex."
"Whatever. Just don't let the word get around that you sit home and knit. People are really going to start to think we're gay."
"Oh. Then you don't want the sweater I'm knitting you for Valentine's Day this year? I think it's rather lovely, personally—it's red with white hearts, and I'll make sure to stitch your name on the inside so you don't lose it."
I almost dropped my cigarette as I whipped around to stare at him, totally horrified. What should I say? 'Oh, God, please, no'? Or should I be polite and pretend that was okay?
Hakkai laughed at me suddenly and smacked me square in the forehead, "Blockhead. I'm not knitting you a sweater for Valentine's day. We're not a homosexual couple, after all."
I rubbed my head, still looking at him, slightly suspicious. "Uh. Right. No… You sure?"
"Yes, of course I'm sure. There are many aspects to a homosexual relationship which you and I lack. Anal sex being the most obvious, and also-"
"No! I mean, you're really not knitting me a sweater, right? You're not just…saying that so I'll think you're not, or something?"
Hakkai laughed and laughed and almost fell off the couch, and patted me roughly on the cheek, and just said, "Oh, Gojyo."
But he never answered me.
Around that time, Goku finally got over the excitement of his candy and was paying attention to us again, "What's so funny, guys?"
"Hakkai's a fuckin' comedian." I grumbled, then asked, a little more desperately, "Seriously, 'Kai, you're not, right?"
Before he could answer, someone was knocking on our door, firmly too, like they were on official business.
"Shit." I jumped up, sloshing sake on my shirt, turned to the door. "What're the cops doing here?"
"I highly doubt it's the cops, Gojyo."
"They, knock like the cops."
"What'dya' think they want?" Goku asked, pressing close to me.
I glanced around the house, but it was just Christmas shit as far as the eye could see. "Fuck it… It's not like I've got something to hide anyway…"
Hakkai sighed and stood up, "Listen to you. It isn't the cops." He went to answer the door while Goku and me watched anxiously.
"Do th' cops come ta' your house a lot?" The monkey asked.
"Not recently." I muttered. Not since that damn Banri took off.
"For the last time, you two, it's not the police. What on earth would they want at this time of night, on Christmas Eve, no less?" He opened the door, to reveal Sanzo, standing there looking as cold and pale and inviting as the snow itself. "Oh. Good evening." Hakkai bowed.
I relaxed and took a sharp drag off my cigarette, "It's just the only damn thing worse than the cops. What the hell're you doing here?"
Sanzo answered stonily, "I came for my monkey, obviously."
"Your monkey, now, huh?"
He glared at me, "What else would I want? You think I just stopped by for a friendly visit? It's goddamn cold out here, so let's go, Goku."
"Awwe, Sanzo! Why?" The kid ducked behind me, "I thought I was gonna' spend the night! I gotta' stay up and put out cookies an' milk for Santa-San."
Sanzo gave him an incredulous look, and then he gave me the dirtiest fucking look, "A couple hours with this jackass and you got him believing all kinds of nonsense. What the hell kinda' crap have you been telling him, Kappa?"
"Me!? I didn't tell him any shit about no Santa-San! Hakkai's the one who got 'im to put this crap up all over the house! And besides, he said he doesn't believe in Santa-San, right Goku?"
I heard the kid laugh, but he didn't answer.
"Anyway, who the hell are you to barge into my house and start pointing fingers at me?"
The dirty look didn't go away. Sanzo mumbled under his breath, "Bastard." With that, he stepped into the house, shaking snow off his robes, looked around the living room disdainfully, "Unbelievable."
"Yeah. Your monkey did it."
"Oh, yeah! I almost forgot!" Goku shoved past me suddenly and ran to him, "Looky! I made ya' a card!"
Sanzo took it and looked at it a while, not saying anything.
"I made it for ya'! Cool, yeah? We don't have a fridge to put it on, but Hakkai' said maybe you'd put it up on your desk."
Sanzo just sighed. "If I have to."
"Yay! An' look at my cool presents! Hakkai gave me candy canes! There'sa' peppermint one, an' a blueberry one, an' a melon-flavored one, an'…strawberry, maybe? You want one? You can have one if ya' want. An' look! He gave me a coat an' a scarf too! Now I won't get so cold when we walk around outside! Didja' see our snowman? Isn't he cool? We made a gingerbread house! We decorated this tree! We…"
Goku went on, listing off the rest of the 'cool stuff' he and Hakkai had done, and Sanzo just stood there and listened to it. I expected him to lose his temper and go off at any given second, but he didn't, and when it was over, he glared at Hakkai and growled, "You can't do this next year."
"I rather thought not. Never-the-less, I have something for you as well, Sanzo."
He handed Sanzo a big box wrapped in shiny, gold paper, and then he had to practically beg the guy to open it. By the time he finally convinced him, I'd almost lost interest in knowing what in the hell Hakkai had gotten for Sanzo.
It really was a sweater. Not red and white with hearts—thank God—but red and green and white, with reindeer and Christmas trees on it. I was pretty sure his name was stitched into the back too. Sanzo and I stared at it, and I'm not sure who was more horrified.
Hakkai just smiled, pleasantly, "I knitted it myself."
Sanzo's eye was twitching slightly as he looked up, "You knit?"
"Oh, occasionally. It gives me something to do while my husband is out." Then he laughed.
"I hate you, Hakkai." I grumbled, very faintly.
"In any case, Sanzo, I'll be happy to see you wearing it when I come to call tomorrow morning."
Sanzo looked like he didn't have a fucking clue what to say to that. The horrified look was still plastered all over his face, so he just turned to Goku, "Let's go."
"I really can't stay?"
He looked between the two of us, like we were a pack of deranged lunatics who were going to tear his monkey to pieces or something. "No. Absolutely not."
"'Kay!" Goku was pulling his coat on again, wrapping his scarf up.
Hakkai got him some leftover Christmas cake—I was shocked there was any left—and then wished them both a Merry Christmas, Goku said thank-you, and goodbye, waved at me, shouting out, "'Night, Gojyo! Merry Christmas! Go finish your cake, okay?"
Sanzo yanked him through the door, muttering curses and hauling his awful sweater with him. He slammed the door on his way out.
Hakkai burst into laughter.
I turned to stare at him.
"What a fun time, don't you think? I certainly hope Sanzo enjoys his sweater."
"You…You are really messed up."
His eyes were glittering. "Do you think so?"
"That thing you gave Sanzo… That monstrosity. What is wrong with you?"
"Come now, Gojyo, you're hurting my feelings a little. I'd be sad to find that Sanzo thinks the same way of my gift—I spent a lot of time on that." The smile fell from his face, but there was still a mischievous gleam in his eye.
"That's what makes you so fucking crazy." All that, just to fuck with Sanzo. Unless he actually thought it was a nice gift.
With Hakkai, who the hell could say? His taste was sort of shitty.
We were quiet, and Hakkai slipped away, probably to clean up the kitchen or something. I watched the door. It was too quiet now, and calm, without Goku running around having a great time. I was sort of sorry he'd left. "Weird."
"I beg your pardon?" Hakkai called from the other room.
"I said it's weird…that Sanzo came and took him away like that. Is it really a big deal for him to spend the night?"
"Oh, I don't think so. Sanzo was probably just lonely."
"Yeah right." I snorted, "That guy doesn't get lonely—any time someone gets near him he bitches about how much he hates them. He's a wall."
"You don't believe Sanzo gets lonely?"
"Like I just said."
"Hm. Well, I can't say that I agree. I think Sanzo is a bit more like you than you realize."
"What? How? I'm nothing like that jerk."
"Don't be concerned about it. All I mean is that, I don't think it would be terribly shocking to learn that Sanzo had missed Goku today while he was here with me. It is Christmas after all."
"Sanzo doesn't celebrate Christmas. Does he?"
"No, of course not."
"So then?"
"Well, just because he doesn't celebrate it doesn't mean he wants to be alone throughout it."
"I'm lost." I flopped down on the couch again. I guess now it was just a normal night. No more presents or ghost stories or games. Just another lame night in the lame life of Gojyo. How ridiculous—I'd been so annoyed with it at the time, and now…
Like as soon as I started getting used to the idea of having Christmas in my house, it was gone.
"Hey, Hakkai." I called. "What do people do on Christmas Day?"
"Call on friends. Exchange more gifts. Whatever they please, I suppose. I don't think it's quite as commercialized and hyped up as Christmas Eve is. It's a bit more peaceful."
I guess when I was a kid, I'd seen people going to work and to school on Christmas Day.
"It's a pretty big deal in the west, isn't it?"
"I don't know. I've never been there."
"You seem like you know a lot about it."
"I think I know an average amount on the subject."
He kept rattling around in the kitchen, and I stared at the tree a while.
Stupid Christmas Eve.
Hakkai came back, carrying a pair of beers, offered one to me. "The sake is gone." He explained.
I sat up to take the bottle, "Don't tell me you drank all of it."
"Not alone."
"Wanna' go get a drink with me tomorrow?"
He sat down on the arm of the couch and cocked his head at me, "I thought you were concerned about everyone thinking we're gay."
"Yeah, but we're not-"
"I know we're not."
"I mean, who cares what they think, right?"
"You seem to."
I ran my hand through my hair. "I don't."
"Did people think you and Banri were together?"
"I dunno'. Guess not."
"I see. Then it must have something to do with me, correct?"
Easy to think that, with him knitting shit and cooking and shopping and keeping house, cleaning up after me and feeding me. Banri never did any of that.
Banri was such a dick.
I looked across the room, to the window where I could vaguely make out my shimmering reflection, all red and ragged and unnatural.
Hakkai always accepts me, exactly the way I am and doesn't say shit about it.
Suddenly, I didn't want to make fun of Hakkai for any of that. I probably would, later, when I was in a better mood and things didn't matter so much, but tonight was too strange.
"Dude, Hakkai." I got up suddenly, "You can kick anybody's ass on this side of the mountain."
He seemed a little caught off guard by that, "I suspect that's true…"
"You're one bad ass motherfucker, even with the knitting, so you don't have to care what people think, and if you don't care, I don't care. They can think whatever they want—fuck 'em."
He was quiet a little longer, like he was waiting for me to say something else.
I struggled to fill the silence. I didn't like it. I didn't like the snow outside or the tree in the corner. "I…I can't afford to care about what people think…" I said, a little more quietly. "Whether people think we're gay or not…if you go somewhere else, I'm on my own."
"I know you hate that." He returned softly, and then his brow wrinkled a little, and he gave me a hard, questioning look, "Why are you talking like this right now? I don't recall saying I would leave, and I don't see what any of this has to do with us being gay or with knitting, or with anything, really. We're not gay. I do knit. You're not on your own right now. What does any of it matter, Gojyo?"
"I don't know…I didn't want you to think I'm ashamed to be friends with you or something."
"Well, I know that you aren't."
Feeling sort of stupid, I nodded, then sat down again, "Sorry."
Hakkai took a quick look around the room, "You seem rather unhinged tonight."
"Sorry. Yeah. Christmas pisses me off…a lot."
"I've always hated Christmas."
I blinked at him, "You have?"
"Yes. The generosity…the goodwill…the stories and the gifts and the traditions…it's always seemed so fake and worthless to me. When I was a child, I thought it was absurd that everyone would act so benevolent and merciful on just one night, when anyone could plainly see what a heartless, cold, uncaring world we actually live in. It all just seemed so terribly fake. Perhaps though, it was because I couldn't experience it for what it truly was, with a family of my own. When I look back on it now though, I see how foolish that was: I was shown nothing but kindness and generosity by the sisters and by the townspeople and by the other orphans. I was too blind to see their sincerity is all. I suppose I don't hate Christmas anymore, but it tends to annoy me as well. Especially now that Kanan is gone." He took a swig of beer. "There are a lot of things that don't make any sense, and it's difficult to celebrate and be thankful when you don't have anything."
I stared at him and just listened, and again, I felt like an asshole, acting like I was the only one who had some reason to be upset.
Suddenly, he got up, went to the tree, and snagged something up off the floor, turned to toss it to me, and I nearly spilled my beer, trying to catch it.
I turned it over in my hand. It was a small box, about the size of a pack of cigarettes, but heavier, wrapped in red paper with white ribbon, and a little tag with my name on it. "What is it?"
He shrugged, "I'm afraid I can't remember. Open it."
I slanted a glance up at him, "Did you knit it?"
"Yes, Gojyo." He sighed, and he didn't sound teasing or cheerful now, just tired, "I knitted you a coaster. Will you just open it, for God's sake?"
I hesitated and kept looking at him, "Is this what Christmas is about?"
"I have no idea, and I don't especially care. All I know is that if you don't open that, I'm going to kick you in the face."
"Fine." I took a quick gulp of my beer and then set it down, tore the wrapping off in a single shred, revealing a small, black case that said 'zippo' on it. I hesitated again, to look at him, "I didn't get you anything."
Hakkai shook his head at me. "Then I guess you'd better give it back."
He still didn't sound like he was kidding, but I knew he didn't mean that, so I flipped the lid off the case and took the lighter out. It was small, but it had a good weight to it, so I figured it was made of pretty good steel, brushed silver, with a cross etched into it.
"Why a cross?"
"I'm facetious like that. I thought it would be suiting, considering your heathenistic mindset, your lack of morals, and your debaucherous lifestyle."
I turned it over to see that my initials had been engraved on the back. S.G.
A long time passed, and I couldn't think of a damn good thing to say, even though a lot of shit went through my mind.
Nobody's ever given me something like this before…wrapped up and everything. Like an actual gift.
I'm just gonna' lose this. I always lose lighters.
You'll have to try not to, idiot.
Nobody's ever gotten me a present. Not for Christmas, not for anything.
Jien doesn't count—he was my brother.
I wonder if this was expensive—I wonder if it cost more than Goku's shit. I wonder if that even matters.
No one's ever done something this nice before…
Why did he do this?
Finally, I looked at him again, and he was just watching me, probably waiting for a thank-you.
"I don't understand."
"I thought you probably didn't."
"Does that make me a total dumbass?"
"In a way…"
"Well, it doesn't make sense." I couldn't help sounding just a little frustrated. I thought I might even sound angry, even though I didn't feel angry. "I didn't ask for this. I didn't expect it. I don't even…deserve it, really. So why?"
Hakkai sighed and came back across the room to stand in front of me, body silhouetted against the backlight of the Christmas tree. "It's just a present, Gojyo. I did it because I felt like it. If you don't want it, I can take it back, but I don't think it's that you don't want it. I do wonder why you think you don't deserve it, though. Did you not watch me give something to everyone else who wandered through that door this evening?"
"Yeah, but they…"
"They don't deserve what I gave them any more than you do. I did this because I'm grateful to the three of you—for the three of you—and I cannot begin to repay any of you for what you've done." He smiled slightly, sadly, "Even you."
"Even me?" I snorted.
The smile seemed even sadder. He set his hand on my shoulder and leaned down so we were eye-to-eye, "You know…you're the only one who's convinced of how unworthy and disgusting you are, so will you just keep the thing, and try not to lose it?"
I could barely raise my voice to answer him, and I felt dangerously close to losing myself to emotions that I'd suppressed and buried and ignored and fought against for almost my whole life. My throat was tight and my eyes were burning, "Yeah. I swear. Nobody's ever…done this before. For me."
"I can see that."
"Thanks, man."
His gaze stayed set on mine, serious and honest, "You're welcome." Then he let go of my shoulder.
I felt the inexplicable urge to grab onto him. I fisted my hand in the front of his shirt, "Hakkai…I'm sorry. I've been a dick all night."
"Don't be ridiculous. You've been fine."
"I really don't know what to say."
"Then let me say something, all right?"
"Anything." I felt almost like I couldn't breathe now. I couldn't believe how emotional a stupid lighter was making, and at the same time, I sort of felt like I was in the presence of a king or a sage or something, like whatever he was going to say was going to be meaningful and profound and important.
Maybe he could tell how affected I was or how close I was to losing my composure. He suddenly touched the side of my face.
"I've learned something very recently, and I'm still figuring out how to live my life by it; until tonight, I was under the assumption you had already realized this, but…I thought I would share it with you, in case you hadn't noticed it yourself. And that is that things don't have to be the way they were when we were children."
I rolled that through my mind, and I tried to make myself believe it.
"They don't." He repeated. His fingers brushed over my scars as his hand fell away, "Whatever it was like before, whatever happened, whatever makes you think you don't deserve something as simple and common as this, let it go."
I almost said 'easy for you to say', but I knew that wasn't. I knew Hakkai would have trouble with that exact same thing for the rest of his life.
"Okay…" I agreed, a little shakily. Okay, meaning I would try, because he could be right, and it might be the only thing I could do anymore.
Hakkai stood up again and smiled a little, "Merry Christmas."
"Thanks…"
"It's really nothing."
I hesitated again and lowered my gaze back to the lighter in the palm of my hand. "It's not nothing to me, dude."
"I know, but…you saved my life, so to me, this is just a very small gesture, the slightest indication of gratitude and affection."
"I guess I forgot I did that."
"Try not to. It's very important. At any rate, all this Christmas cheer is beginning to take its toll on me. I think I'll step out for some air." Already he was putting his long, green coat on with a flourish, and then he was out the door.
I sat a moment longer, thinking, and then I followed him, taking the lighter with me.
Hakkai was standing in the middle of the yard, perfectly still, head thrown back to look straight up at the moon. He looked dark against the snow on the ground, frosty breath flowing from his nose, and I thought he looked pretty damn lonely in a way.
Lighting a new cigarette, I picked my way over to him, "What're you looking for?"
"Indeed." He murmured.
I looked up too. "Is something magical supposed to happen or what?"
"I highly doubt it. Why?"
"It's Christmas."
"I'd be very surprised to see anything magical…however, I thought I might catch a glimpse of a shooting star, if I watched long enough."
"Why, you need to wish for something? I guess nobody got you anything back, huh?" I felt a little low and guilty for that. I mean, I didn't know he was going to give me something; if I had…
"It hardly matters. Ah, oh well." He turned his head to smile at me, "Life is strange, don't you think? We go through stages so often, at times I feel as if I enter new stages of life without even realizing it, sometimes for better…and sometimes for worse."
"It's a real roller coaster." I grumbled, a little sarcastically.
He sighed and tucked his hands into his pockets, "Here and now seems rather agreeable, doesn't it?"
I glanced around at the lit up house and tree and the snowman wearing my scarf, and didn't answer.
Hakkai all but murmured, "I hope this particular stage of life lasts quite a long time."
I didn't get that at all. I didn't think this was a great time of life for him: Kanan just died, he didn't have any family or a lot of friends, or anything really going on, he didn't have a career or even a good job, or a lot of nice stuff, and as far as I knew, he was super depressed half the time.
"It gets a lot better than this, you know."
He met my eyes, held my gaze a long time, steadily, and it looked like he was going to say something, but he kept stopping himself. Finally, he smiled, "It gets much worse too."
Couldn't argue with that.
I gave my lighter a flick and half-smiled to myself.
Things don't have to be like they were when we were kids.