I had a hard time writing this chapter because I was struck with writer's block. Can you say it like that? "Struck with"? Well, now you can. Anyways, I rewrote this a couple of times, but I finally decided to go with this one, although I'm still not totally, completely satisfied with it.
I would like to thank my only reviewer on the last chapter because I wasn't motivated to write until I got that. unfortunately the person was anonymous so I couldn't reply, but thank you.
Then I like to apologize for not replying on all the reviews. I tried to do it once but didn't know how to. so help anyone and I will reply to them all (only a little bit late)
and now you can continue reading!
The first session!
"I don't even know why I have to be here." Emily said looking down on her hands.
The woman opposite Emily seemed to even write that down before answering Emily.
"Why do you feel like that?"
"Well, for starters I'm all better now and I don't have much to talk about."
Emily was still avoiding eye contact. Maybe it was so that the woman wouldn't see right through her. Her eyes would probably show fear, sadness and helplessness.
"Why don't you start by telling me how you feel being around your team again?"
"Smothered." She said shortly.
Emily felt this was totally pointless. While the others got to catch a serial killer in Richmond, Virginia she had to sit and talk to a freaking therapist who's only questions seemed to be 'how, or why, do you feel?'. This was her first session and 30 minutes had already passed which left 30 minutes of avoiding eye contact and not talking. This was just a waste of time. They weren't getting anywhere. The woman seemed to write down a lot even if her answers were short and didn't give away much.
"What do you mean by that?" the woman said looking over her glasses.
She really looked like one of those typical therapists with her glasses, skirt and blouse.
"They feel like they have to babysit me. I haven't spent one minute without one of them by my side. Today Garcia even asked if I needed company to the toilettes."
More writing. There was a long silence with just that sound. Pen against paper. A quite annoying sound. Emily wished she could read the notes. In denial. Avoiding eye contact. Picking her fingernails. Wonder what else.
"Have you ever thought about talking to them?"
This question hit her right in the stomach. She had thought about it, but wasn't sure if she, or they, could handle it. The words Morgan had spoken about him being there for her and was willing to listen played in her head all the time. Maybe she should talk to him. He would be furious, yes, but at least he wouldn't start crying on her. She could tell Hotch or Rossi because they would remain mentally stable too, but something about telling the unit chief about the raping freaked her out. And telling Rossi would be like telling her dad which she would never in her greatest mind think of. The girls and Reid were the last people she wanted to tell. They would probably cry and if so Emily definitely wouldn't be able to keep herself up. No, she would break down completely. It had to be Morgan if anybody.
"They said you can help me remembering stuff." She said avoiding the last question as she didn't know what to answer. "They said that you could help me fill in the blanks."
"Yes, but that would require you to talk more in these sessions." The woman said.
That much was true no matter how much she hated being there and hated that woman who thought she knew it all. But she didn't know Emily.
"It's 3pm now. My session ends now." She said again avoiding the subject.
"Yes, Ms. Prentiss. Next time I want you to talk to me. You said you wanted to remember and for that you need to talk. I don't bite, you know. Just think about everything we've said. It's unhealthy to keep everything inside."
Why did that woman have to do that? Emily had never said that she wanted to remember. It was just a question wondering if it was true what people said. Without saying another word to the therapist she turned her heels and walked out.
Morgan looked at Emily who sat in the passenger seat beside him. She was picking her nails as usual and she looked very uncomfortable. He hadn't yet asked her about her therapy session, but from the looks of it and by his knowledge of Emily it hadn't made any progress. Garcia had asked her though, but Emily had snapped at her after the third time she asked which meant that she didn't want to be questioned about it. The only thing he could do was to be patient and wait for her to come to him.
"We're here." He said while parking the car outside her apartment building. They exited the car and walked upstairs to her door.
"Emily, glad to see you're back." A kind voice behind them said as Emily was unlocking her door.
"What?" she said turning around only to see her 87 years old neighbor.
"Yes I watched the news every single day when you were gone to see if they were ever going to find you. Then I watch when they finally did and you were put in the hospital. Glad to see you're finally up running." She said smiling at Emily.
Morgan looked at Emily who looked a bit shocked from what the old lady had said. Something in her eyes said that she was ready to burst down in tears. Like the memories of her time with Jacob was invading her mind. Maybe this was the time to talk to her. Maybe she would finally open up. He smiled at the woman, said goodbye and led Emily inside. She just remained quiet and shocked.
"You wanna talk about it?" he said breaking Emily out of her trance.
She sighed and started picking her fingernails again nervously. Was she actually going to let him in? It looked like it.
"Honestly? No." she began making Morgan sigh with frustration of this woman's stubbornness. "But I think I have to."
Her voice cracked when she said that. Morgan knew this would be hard for her. He gestured for her to sit down on the couch.
"Do you need something to drink before?" he said.
"Vodka would be great." She said trying to ease up the mood a bit. It didn't work though.
"So water it is." He said and left for the kitchen. He made sure to hurry so that she wouldn't change her mind.
When he came back she was still sitting in the same position where he left her and he could see that she was trying to gather some courage.
"Here you go. You're ready to talk?" he asked and sat down beside her.
"Where do you want me to start?" she asked biting her lip staring down on the glass of water in her hands.
"You can start wherever you want. Just take your time."
"Yes." She said. Just a single word that didn't make any sense for him. He looked at her for a moment with a confused look.
"What?" he finally asked. Silence… She took a sip from the water and put it on the table in front of her. She started picking her fingernails and kept her gaze on her knees. She didn't meet his eyes when she continued.
"To answer the question which has been hanging in the air ever since you found me. Everyone has been thinking about it." She said trying to control her voice. "The answer to that question is yes."
Morgan realized now what Emily was referring to. He had asked the question to her plenty of times himself but never gotten an answer and now he wasn't sure if he could handle the truth. Still he had to remain strong for Emily.
"It's okay Em. You can continue." He said after a long time of silence. He took Emily's hand to let her know that she wasn't alone.
"I remember one night when I was sleeping. A hand touching my body woke me up. I tried to fight him at first because the feeling of his hands sent shivers through my body and I just wanted him to stop. He got angrier when I fought it and he crawled on top of me. That's when he ripped of my clothes. He removed his pants too and I tried not to think about what he was doing to me. I thought about you guys. The warmth of being in your arms."
Tears had started to leave her eyes. Morgan still tried his best to not let his own tears flow free. Instead he let the anger take over. It was better being angry and strong for her then to break down next to her. If he only could get his hands on that son of a bitch that had laid a hand on his friend then he would suck the life out of him. But unfortunately the man was in waiting for trial and he would probably get fired for beating Jacob up. Besides, lifetime in prison is probably worse than death anyway. And he could always pay some prisoners to beat him up from time to time.
"I'm so sorry Em." Was the only thing he could say even if he knew that those words wouldn't make things better for her.
"Then came his birthday." She said and Morgan froze not quite expecting that she was going to tell him about more times she'd been sexual assaulted. But he thought it was good that she finally opened up. "I was in a cellar and he came down to me with a tray that held different tools. I saw a bottle and I knew that it wasn't to offer me anything to drink."
Her voice was shaking as she said this. Morgan could see where this was going and his fists tightened making his knuckles white.
"When he started touching me I escaped in my mind again, because I knew where it was going and I couldn't fight him. I escaped to you guys seeking comfort, but a sharp pain woke me and I watched the edge of the blade cut into my skin and he licked the small amount of blood up. I was completely naked by then. He then continued to remove his pants and I tried, Derek. I really tried, but I couldn't go back to you."
The panic reached her body and her voice became desperate.
"I felt him inside of me the whole time. I didn't want it to happen. I felt disgusting, I still do. When he was done he moved on to the bottle. It hurt so bad."
The tears was streaming down her face and Morgan moved closer to her letting her cry into his embrace. It tore him up to see one of his strongest friends talk about her weakest moment. A moment where he had no chance to help her. When she had managed to control her voice enough for her to speak again she continued.
"I can't have kids, Derek. What he did to me has left me with only a five percent's chance to get pregnant."
Morgan knew that kids were one thing Emily had wanted, even though she hadn't been the luckiest woman on the dating market and hadn't found herself someone. But the decision to have kids should be made by yourself and not some mentally disturbed guy exploring his sick sex fantasies. Morgan hated that she had to go through that. The knowledge of not being able to have kids must've torn her up. She cried uncontrollably into his shoulder again and he just stroked her hair and just let her cry.
After what must have been 15 minutes of crying she pulled herself away and wiped her tears.
"I don't believe you could just write this down as my statement and not let the others know?" she asked with a forced smile.
"I can take this as a statement if you want to, but you know I can't hide it from the others. They deserve to know too." He said pulling some hair behind her ear.
"I figured. They will find out during the trial anyway. Just don't let me be there when they find out."
He could see that she was scared. Scared of what people might think of her when they find out. But she was brave. She had agreed to testify against a highly delusional man who would do anything to get her back. It would need courage. To talk about all the things she had been through. All the things she told him and a lot more. And Morgan would be there for her the whole time.
"I promise."
Okay, so there you go. so next one will most probably be the last one. I'm just gonna figure out how to end it. Anyone know a good quote I can use?
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