Illusions

Rachel looks pained now, she's panicking and I'm not doing any better.

"Do you realize how stupid that was?" Dylan asks her but her eyes, scared and terrified are only looking at me. He straps a flak jacket on my girlfriend and someone else does it for me as well. Santana has taken over the ampoule bag, she was the first one to put on the flak jacket and react. Always ready, Santana is always good to go.

"Quinn…"

I blink and close my eyes tightly. My hearing comes back and it's the first moment I realize that I've been slowly shrinking on the spot. This can't be real.

"Is there a way to…" I swallow, my throat hurts. It's like I'm slipping away. Dylan meets my stare. He shakes his head even without listen to me first. "I need to replace her" I beg.

"Quinn, no" Rachel shrieks.

"We've already been so lucky" he says. "If we move again, there's no guarantee that it won't explode"

I'm having problems swallowing. "There's gotta be a way" I push but he shakes his head again.

"There is not" his calmed tone is really not what I need right now. "Dr. Fabray, we need to keep things as they are for now."

I leave the room in a haste. On the hallway I have no idea of where to go and I find myself walking inside Brittany's OR. Mercedes' husband is on the table, his skull opened, machines beeping, a team working normally under terrible circumstances.

"Dr. Fabray, is everything alright?" Brittany's voice is restrained, she can't look away from what she's doing. I know this. I shouldn't be here. I know this.

I slip to the ground against a wall and cry. In Hospitals they say you know. You know when you're going to die. Some doctors say it's a look patients get in their eyes. Some say there's a scent. A smell of death. Something. There's just some kind of sixth sense. When the great beyond is heading for you. You feel it coming.

Rachel felt it coming. What's the thing you've always dreamed of doing before you die?

"Dr. Fabray, talk to me" her voice is still relaxed. "Quinn, how is the girl with the bomb doing?"

"She left" she looks up, meets my stare and nods. "Rachel, she – she's the girl with the bomb now. Brittany, I don't-I don't know what to-"

"Okay. Quinn, breathe and look at me."

I hold back a sob and stand up, for the first time I don't care if the entire world sees me crying. I look at her and I breathe, just like she told me but my hands don't stop shaking.

"You need to pull yourself together. Your intern has her hand inside a patient's chest holding a bomb, Dr. Fabray. So pull yourself together."

She's right. Rachel is the one holding that bomb and I'm the one crying. Brittany's right.

"Now go and do everything you can to fix this" I nod and clean my face with a tissue Tina hands me. I'm half way out the door when Brittany calls my name again. "Maybe after this day is over we can consider changing jobs."

I smile as she winks at me. Today will be over. We'll be alright.

I contemplate my surroundings in the hallway. How can a place you consider a home turn into something so despicable all of the sudden?

Rachel's eyes are the first thing I see when I walk back inside my OR. She's stopped crying and so have I. We'll get through this. We will. Dylan stops discussing whatever it is with his team to walk over to me.

"Ok, Dr. Lopez. Time for you to go now" I reach for the ampoule bag but she doesn't give it to me.

"No, I'm staying"

"There's not much you can do here. We've got it covered" I say lowly but she shakes her head without even looking at me.

"This isn't about surgery" she argues halfheartedly.

"I know that, Santana. But this ammo can go off at any time and kill…" I swallow again, I need to stay focused. "And kill everyone in this room. You cannot be here."

Her eyes are locked with my girlfriend's who is tearing up again and nodding fervently. "We'll be fine" but her voice cracks as she speaks to her best friend, the tears spill. "It's okay, San. You can go."

They don't say goodbye, they don't hug or even tell each other I love you. No. Santana just walks out of the room and looks back before closing the door. Rachel takes a deep calming breath as a member of Dylan's squad takes the ampoule bag from my hands.

I get closer to Rachel and fix her hat so it holds all her hair in place. "You are incredibly stupid"

"Don't make fun of the girl with a bomb in her hand" I chuckle and lean in to kiss her cheek.

"I'm not" I squeeze her waist and somehow wish there was a way to be closer to her.

The phone rings and Dylan looks absolutely pissed to take the Chief's call. He leaves to meet with him on the first floor and we're left to wait.

"What now?" Rachel asks as I rub her back.

"I don't know yet, love. But if we do nothing soon my patient will bleed out on this table"

"Is this the strangest thing that's ever happened in your OR?"

I chuckle but nod at her question. "It is"

"Good, cause I'm very competitive"

I kiss her temple and force myself to stop smiling. There is nothing funny about any of this. "All the best surgeons are, love."

Dylan comes back and in the three seconds that take me to walk to the door to meet him I notice how shaky and sweaty my hands are.

"Dr. Thomas is making a few calls to Mercy West so you can have a little support here" I stare blankly at him and his eyes move around, trying to avoid mine. "You need to leave this floor"

"I'm not going anywhere"

"You're emotionally attached. You put everything at risk"

"If you had come up with a solution in the first place my girlfriend wouldn't have her hand inside a man's chest holding this bomb! I'm not leaving this OR."

I feel my entire body shaking now, not just my hands. Dylan doesn't look away and I hate that he's analyzing me and that I'm letting him. I don't back down but the only way he's going to get me to leave Rachel's side is if he puts me down first.

"I also told him that you'd be opposed" with his tone becoming softer, I also let myself relax but only slightly. "There is something more. This OR is located exactly above the main oxygen line."

I look back over my shoulder. Rachel's eyes are wide and a little frantic. I lock eyes with Dylan again and after a couple of seconds he nods and it's enough to let me know that he won't try to make me leave again.

"There's no room for mistakes"

"Or this entire Hospital says goodbye" he finishes my sentence.

"Stop it" Rachel says and we both turn around. "I'm not a patient"

"What?" Dylan asks obviously confused.

"The two of you are looking at me the way we look at patients. Like I'm going to freak out at any minute now. Well, I'm not. So whatever it is just tell me straight out."

I'm by her side in a blink and kissing her temple again. She's like my personal magnet, designed to always pull in. "I wouldn't dare to keep any secrets from you"

"What is it?"

"The main oxygen line runs directly under this room"

"Okay" she nods and I shake my head. "Not okay. Well? Straight out, Quinn"

"It means that if – if the bomb were to explode over they oxygen line the Hospital could blow up with it."

She keeps nodding, as if she's not really sure of what's happening anymore. I wrap my arm around her waist again, just to feel her close, to make sure she's still here. That she's real.

"Well, we need to move then" she casually says and Dylan nods while all I can think about is that we're dealing with unstable explosive.

"That's right. We have to move now because I can't stand being in this room anymore knowing where we really are" his team agrees, well, all of us do.

"A moment ago you said that Rachel cannot move an inch and now you want to move the gurney?"

He looks at me a little defeated, a little angry and tired as well but he nods. It's the only thing he does. "It's our safest option."

I have to agree with him anyway. I sent the few members of my team who've stayed on the floor to prep the OR for me. We get ready as fast and easy as we can and when we're read I kiss the corner of Rachel's mouth and lean my forehead on her head.

"Are you good?"

"I'm good."

No goodbyes. We're not dying today. We're not.

We begin moving very slowly, two members of the squad are helping Rachel to keep the gurney as stable as it can be. I walk behind it.

"Tell me about this thing – this thing I'm holding" my girlfriend asks and Dylan nods, his lips pursed together as he contemplates what to say.

"The device is shaped like a rocket. About 8 inches long"

"And what are we going to do?"

"When everything is ready, Dr. Fabray is going to be in place, my team is going to be in place and I'm going to ask you to take your hand that you have in Mr. Carlson, wrap it around the device-"

"And pull it out" Rachel finishes for him. We keep walking.

"Level. Pull it out while keeping it level."

Her eyes find mine and for a millisecond I see just how terrified she really is. "I don't like him very much" she tells me and I chuckle, nodding.

"Me either" I agree.

"I don't like either one of you either" Dylan finishes just before Santana comes up in the hallway.

She looks beyond concerned. "What are you doing?" her voice an octave higher.

"Stop" Dylan orders before she can get any closer. "Stop right where you are"

"What are you doing?" she asks again, this time slower.

"I thought Dr. Fabray told you to leave" Dylan glares at her direction as she meets my stare.

"We're moving to an OR further away from the oxygen line" I tell her calmly and wondering why did I bother to kick her out in the first place.

"You know. In case we blow up" Rachel dips her head as her best friend takes a deep breath.

"Dr. Fabray, didn't you tell her to leave?" Dylan asks again.

"I did. What are you doing here, Santana?" her shoulders drop suddenly and she shakes her head.

"Stay over there" Dylan points to the wall. "Stay over there!"

Santana moves a few feet away from the gurney but not far enough to not see us. She won't be leaving this floor. Brittany is in this floor and that's enough reason for her to stay here.

"You ready?" Dylan asks and Rachel nods. They start wheeling past Santana now, very slowly.

"Well" Rachel says and Santana jumps to follow just like I'm doing.

"This is the weirdest thing" Santana points out, distressed.

"There's something in your head, I can tell" Rachel insists. "So tell me because I have my hand in a bomb and I'm freaking out and most importantly I really have to pee."

Dylan and I share the same worried look but we remain quiet. "She told me she loved me" Santana blurts out. "Last night. She thought I was sleeping but I heard her say it"

"Pierce loves you" Rachel smiles a little as I huff to myself. There is a bomb on the floor, we could all die in a matter of seconds and Santana is worried that she is being loved.

"Yeah" she breathes out, uncomfortable to be sharing so much.

"Are you going to say it back or-"

"Of course not" Santana is quick to interrupt. "She didn't say it to me. She said to the sleeping me. Reciprocity is not required. Besides we all might blow up anyway"

"Excellent point" Rachel agrees as I stare at her. "I love you" she says and it warms my heart to hear it.

"I love you too, so much" I say back.

"So you two" Dylan looks at me and points at my girlfriend.

"Mind your own business" Santana huffs and I have to crack a smile but we keep walking, slowly and steady as Dylan rolls his eyes.

When I was a kid I used to dream about having kids and the illusion of one day being pregnant, I even had names picked out and everything. With time that illusion kept fading away, slowly at first and then at once. My career became my life and suddenly I had no time to think of a family of my own. When I got married that illusion simply disappeared. Deborah didn't want kids, she lived for the same thing that I did. Surgeries.

When Rachel came into my life those illusions came back to me. The idea of having a family with her suddenly seemed right. My career still matters but she matters the most.

"You had to say you were going to die today" Santana huffs and Rachel swallows hard.

"I told you" she shrugs.

"No one is dying today" I tell her and even though she smiles softly at me, I know that deep down she doesn't believe me. I'm not sure I believe me.

We get to the OR safely and with no trouble, which is a blessing really. This bomb has already been so patient with us and I can't even think about how much longer it will stay that way.

My team is ready and I immediately prep myself as well. "We're ready" I inform Dylan.

He nods and looks at Rachel, who is a bit more scared than before. "We're good. Rachel?"

Her eyes turn bright again, she's about to tear up. "Yeah" she chokes out, breathlessly.

"Rachel" I call her and now that I'm in front of her with my patient between us I itch to touch her. "Rachel, we got this"

"Yeah" she nods nervously.

"I'm going to extend the wound. When I cut the bleeding is going to enter the subline" she nods and takes a deep breath. "Rach, if we're going to save Mr. Carlson you have to pull the ammo out immediately"

"But remember, remove it while keeping it level as possible" Dylan interrupts but she's looking at me and although she's nodding, understanding what's happening, I also know that she's freaking out.

"Right, yeah. Level, I keep it level" she mumbles and I wish this wasn't so hard, I wish I was the one with her hand inside this patient's chest and not her. I wish she wasn't here.

"You ready?" Dylan asks.

"I uh – I don't think I have a choice" she says as two traitor tears roll down her cheeks.

"Baby, you have to be ready. Are you?" she nods as more tears stream down her face.

"I am" she assures and swallows. "I am."

"Scalpel" someone hands me the scalpel and I begin to work. It's surprising how steady my hands still are. I don't feel steady at all though and as soon as I'm done I look up and lock eyes with my girlfriend.

"This is it" I say lowly and she nods, she's terrified and she's no longer trying to hide it.

"All right, Rachel. Wrap your hand around the nose cone" the tears begin to stream down her face like a torrent. She's no longer listening.

"Rachel" I call her but she's blinking too fast, thinking too hard. "Rachel, baby. Look at me"

"Rachel" Dylan also calls her and she pulls down her scrubs mask, her eyes lock with mine.

"You need to leave this room. Go!" she frantically orders me.

"No, Rachel. Listen to me"

"Leave, Quinn. Get out of here. Please, get out of here!"

"Pressure's dropping" someone warns but my vision is blurry and my chest is being pressed.

"No, Rach. Baby, listen to me"

"Quinn, leave" she cries. "You have to make sure that Marley stays in the house, she needs to stay in the house. Find a way" she pleas with Dylan.

"Rachel, we're not dying today" I tell her.

"I can't! Quinn, I can't! This is crazy. Quinn, go! Everybody go!" she cries and I take off my mask as well. I reach out and cup her face, forcing her to look at me. "I'm scared" she whimpers.

"I know, baby. I'm scared too. But you can do this. It'll be over in a second and we'll both be fine. You can do this, Rachel."

More tears roll down her beautiful face but she's focused on me now. She's not flying away. "Okay" she whispers.

"Okay."

She begins to pull her hand out. "Gently" Dylan guides her as the bomb begins to make it's appearance out of my patient's chest. Rachel is crying freely now but she's doing her job so carefully and then she's placing the bomb on Dylan's stretched out hands and letting go.

I let out a deep breath and she stays frozen in place. "You did good" Dylan tells her before he begins to walk away very slowly and I go back to my patient.

There is too much damage but it's fixable and I'm so focused on Mr. Carlson that I don't see her walking out, I don't see anyone walking out but I do feel and hear the explosion with all my body.

The lights go out, the windows shatter, my entire team drops to the ground and my ears are left ringing as a cloud of dust covers the room.

She's not in the room and Mr. Carlson is bleeding out.

"Hummel" I call him out and he jumps to his feet at once, eyes crazed and breathing sporadic. "Hummel, find Rachel."

He runs out as water starts to pour into my patient. "What the hell is that?"

My hands are still steady, still capable of operating. "It's you, Dr. Fabray" a nurse tells me and moves closer to me with nervous hands and with a towel she wipes my tears.

People are running, shouting and I can't move, I can't leave this room because Mr. Carlson has a chance and I hold that chance in my hands.

I see Hummel come back to the OR. He's shouting. He's telling me something. He's in shock and I'm still operating.

"She's alive" someone says beside me as I'm finishing up. I'm stitching the last points. Mr. Carlson will live. "Quinn, she's alive."

I look to my right, my vision becomes blurry again but I recognize Brittany as goosebumps run down my spine and legs. "She's alive but I have no idea where she is, Santana went with her though" she repeats and takes me to wash up.

My chest hurts. My head is about to explode and my every pore wants to feel Rachel and I understand, I see it so clearly. I wouldn't live without her. The thought alone is too painful to bare.

"She's alright" Brittany says as we get in the elevator.

When the doors slide open in front of my eyes all the people blur together until I'm walking forward and looking frantically. The Chief stares at me and a woman runs to my side.

"My husband" she pleads.

"He'll be alright, ma'am" I tell her dismissively. She takes my hand and cries. She's thanking me but Rachel isn't here. She isn't here.

"Where is she?" I demand to know. "Where is she?"

"Quinn!" I turn around and Deborah wraps me in a tight hug that I don't return. I can't. "I'm so glad you're alright"

"Where is she?" I ask again and Deborah finally drags me down the corridors and into the showers.

Santana and Marley are inside a stall holding Rachel under the stream of water and I immediately walk right to her and wrap my arms around her tightly. She breaks down in my arms and I allow myself the same privilege.

She's covered in blood and debris. Santana and Marley leave and I barely hear the door clicking shut.

I help her out of her scrubs and wash her hair carefully. She stops crying when I don't stop kissing her lips softly.

We don't speak, we don't say a thing. We get the next couple of days off and we head home more tired than ever before.

We're lying on her bed, it's pouring raining outside and we're cuddle closely. I'm the big spoon.

"I almost died today" she says after hours of being silent and I kiss under her ear.

"I'm glad you didn't."

She turns around then and caresses my face, her eyes turn glassy again and she breathes in deeply. "He exploded in front of me. He turned into nothing in front of my eyes."

I kiss her because I don't know what to say. I don't know if I could make her feel fine with words. I don't know.

And I realize that if this was my last day on earth though, I'd spend it with her.

…