Narrator:Disclaimer: Rocky and Bullwinkle are owned by Jay Ward Productions.
The Grapes of Wraith or The Road to Ruins
Narrator: Well, the curse has struck the villains yet again. Boris and Natasha's deadly trap involving deadly scorpions for our heroes backfired on them. Actually, come to think about it, that's pretty normal. But make no mistake, weird things have happened lately, such as creepy tombstones with their names inscribed, a radio that emitted strange sounds, and a skeleton in a mirror in Fearless Leader's abode, as opposed to a skeleton in the closet.
Fearless Leader: I have plenty of those already.
Narrator: ...While I ponder if he means that literally or as a figure of speech, Bullwinkle actually managed to make contact with phantoms from another plane.
Bullwinkle: But I didn't see any aircraft vehicles.
Narrator: He really didn't have a choice in the matter because if our "Mr. Know it All" and his friend Rocky refused the offer, they would have been zapped by electric chairs. Luckily our heroes managed to evade a shocking fate, and now they finally have the artefacts!
Rocky: You're saying it like it's a good thing.
Narrator: The artefacts are cursed and our heroes will have to be careful.
Bullwinkle: After all the stuff we've been through, this should be easy.
Narrator: They nogoodniks are not going to let you get off easy. Even though an invisible ghost is somewhere in the Central Control building, they're not going to give up.
Natasha: Not after all the episodes we have been through.
Boris: Where did the talking spirit go? I was going to confess that I keeled that fat barkeep.
Fearless Leader: Who cares? What's important is capturing Moose and Squirrel. And your confessions are weird.
Narrator: Bullwinkle and Rocky are trying to escape from the headquarters without being noticed.
Rocky: Did you hear what he said, Bullwinkle? That means we have to be really quiet.
Bullwinkle: Sure thing, Rocky.
Narrator: The moose and squirrel silently and stealthily-
Bullwinkle: Uh, Mr. Narrator? The bad guys'll hear you and find us.
Narrator: -right.
They move quietly and there is no sound.
Bullwinkle: This silence is kind of awkward.
Fearless Leader: Hello, Moose und Squirrel.
Rocky: Hokey Smoke!
Bullwinkle: At least we have the sound back.
Fearless Leader: Wait here. I need to get Boris and Natasha.
Rocky: Do you expect us to wait for you?
Fearless Leader: Of course not. I'm not stupid.
Rocky: Another trap?
Fearless Leader: Jawohl.
Narrator: He gets out a remote control and presses a button. A cage suddenly falls on our heroes, and, you guessed it, they are trapped.
Rocky: I thought so.
Fearless Leader: Boris? Natasha? Where are you?
They don't answer.
Fearless Leader: I'm sure you two were having a very nice conversation with our house ghost, er, guest, but we have some treasures to steal.
Boris and Natasha peer from under the séance table.
Boris: Is the scary ghost gone?
Fearless Leader: You were scared of that pea brained poltergeist?
Boris and Natasha: Da.
Boris: Fearless Leader, can you look for him for us? You're a brave boy.
Fearless Leader: No.
Natasha: Please, dollink?
Fearless Leader: How can I look for the poltergeist when it is invisible?
Boris: X-Ray Specs?
Fearless Leader: X-Ray Specs don't actually work, you bonehead.
Boris: But the ads on the boxtops said that they work...
Narrator: After a discussion on how they are going to handle their predicament...
Fearless Leader: ...And that is how we will handle this situation like professionals-
Boris is wearing X-Ray goggles.
Boris: Hey, Fearless Leader! I can see right through you.
Fearless Leader: Cut it out, Badenov!
Boris: Uh, boss, I know I now have X-Ray vision, but I'm not a surgeon.
Fearless Leader: That's not what I meant.
Boris: Next I should try these things on Natasha.
She slaps him and his goggles fall off.
Boris: Owch!
Natasha: Shut up your mouth!
Narrator: They check on the trapped moose and squirrel.
Fearless Leader: And this is where I finally caught those crazy meddling- where did they go?
The trap is empty.
Natasha: It is quite obvious you were out in the sun for too long, dollink.
Fearless Leader: I was not!
They notice that there is a huge hole in the floor.
Fearless Leader: Well, Natasha, I think it is quite obvious that Moose and Squirrel dug a tunnel. And they took the artefacts with them.
Boris: Raskolnikov! We have been dealing with burning sands, skeleton men, and scary ghosts, but we can't even have some souvenirs of our trip?
Narrator: I wouldn't exactly call them souvenirs...
Narrator: Now that they dug a tunnel, where are our heroes going to end up now? Well, let's find out, shall we?
Their friends, Chauncey and Edgar, are waiting for them outside the estate on a bench.
Edgar: Chauncey, I think maybe we should go in there and help our pals.
Chauncey: Nah. They don't need our help. They're the main characters. So, Edgar, what do think was scarier? The Pottsylvanian plant things or the cactus in the first segment?
Edgar: I'd say the Pottsylvania Creeper plants.
Chauncey: Are you kidding? The cactus had me on pins and needles. Especially when the needles got stuck in my-
Edgar: You do realize that sitting on the cactus was your fault.
Chauncey: Was not!
Narrator: While comparing the fiendish floras, the bench is turned upside down by a tunnel.
Chauncey: Hey! Watch it!
Edgar: Yeah! We were sitting on a bench here.
Rocky: Sorry, but I had to dig the tunnel somewhere.
Narrator: Fortunately our heroes have made a successful escape.
Fearless Leader: This is impossible! There has never been a successful escape from Pottsylvania.
Boris: But Moose and Squirrel have escaped several times before-
Fearless Leader: Shut up, Badenov!
Boris: Right. I see nothing.
Narrator: Before they start their pursuit, Fearless Leader makes sure to water his Pottsylvania Creeper plants.
Boris: Forget the plants! Let's go keel Moose and Squirrel!
Fearless Leader: How about I feed you to 'em?
The carnivorous plants make hissing sounds in agreement.
Boris: Okay, I'll shut up.
Narrator: This gives our heroes ample time to lug the artefacts on their boat, the Ruby Yacht of Omar Khayyam.
Bullwinkle: These treasures are really heavy! It's really hard to lug this stuff around.
Rocky: You know, I just realized something.
Bullwinkle: You realized that they took everything but the ancient kitchen sink?
Rocky: Kitchen sinks weren't invented yet. What I meant is there wasn't a sarcophagus in the tomb.
Bullwinkle: I doubt cough drops were invented yet either.
Rocky: You're missing the point.
Bullwinkle: Pyramids?
Rocky: No.
Bullwinkle: Cacti?
Rocky: No! A sarcophagus is a type of coffin.
Bullwinkle: Well, I highly doubt the baddies are that morbid.
Rocky: But we didn't see one in the tomb at all. Either someone else went in there and swiped it, or a mummy is on the loose.
Bullwinkle: That's great!
Rocky: Huh?
Bullwinkle: I'd like to visit my mum.
Rocky: A dead guy with bandages is on the loose.
Bullwinkle: Oh. Wait a minute, if the mummy's bandages are loose, wouldn't he trip and fall over a lot?
Rocky: I don't know, but we don't have time to wait a minute.
Bullwinkle: Why not?
Rocky: The average length of these segments is only five.
Narrator: He's right. And unfortunately we apparently ran out of time. But now not only do our heroes have to deal with angry artefact swipers, they may have to deal with a mad mummy. To find out what happens next, be sure to stay tuned for the next segment, "Coffin Congestion" or "Homeward Ground".