I've no excuses. I'm sorry. It's been a month since I updated last time and I can't believe I've been so… neglectful. Hopefully the length of this chapter makes up for it, and otherwise I'm on my way with updating FOUND YOU, a story of mine I've been ignoring for almost half a year now and a one shot I don't have a name for yet, so that will be two more things to read… Hope it makes up for this.

I finally have my summer vacation and I'm going to write so much! Unfortunately, I won't be able to update for a while because I'm going to Barcelona, on a much deserved VACATION! But of course I'll write when I'm there and I promise to update at least once before I leave, so… forgive me? :)

Logan shifted in his sleep, cuddling closer into my side, his head on my stomach and his arm around my waist. Somehow he'd managed to slid down our bed until he was fully under the blankets, his baby bump now pressed against my thigh instead of my side. I didn't know how he did it, just that he never let go of me in his sleep ever since we found out I'd cancer.

I sighed and put my hand on his back, slowly rubbing over his skin. Logan was scared. He was terrified and it was all my fault. I should've told him about my back pain earlier, so we could've gone to a doctor sooner and prevent all of this. He didn't deserve this; fearing for my life, not knowing if I'd make it or not. He should be happy, thinking about little Kendall and things we still had to do before his or her birth.

Not this.

I'd tried everything to get him to believe I was going to be fine. If he believed it, I could believe it too. But every time I turned my head, Logan was there, watching me like a hawk, as if he was scared something would happen with me. I didn't like it at all, but I wasn't going to tell him that. I knew exactly how it felt to be scared of something happening to the person you loved. I felt like that all the time when he was pregnant, or when he was sick, or just anytime something might go wrong.

I didn't want him to feel like that though, he should be happy and let me worry about things. That was how it had always been and I missed it. It was hard though, to pretend everything was perfectly normal, but we kept up the facade for Keira and Kegan. I didn't want them to worry about anything, it was bad enough Logan had to know.

Logan sighed and mumbled something in his sleep, something that sounded suspiciously like my name. Normally I would've been glad to hear him say that in his sleep, proving that he thought of me, even in his sleep, but this time not. He'd been sleeping bad, shifted a lot and was very restless, and I knew it was because he was worried about me. I really hated it.

How come I knew this information? To know he slept bad must mean I was awake when he was asleep. And I was. I'd been having even worse nights than Logan. At least he slept. I didn't. Ever since last week, when I got a medicine treatment that would hopefully help me get better, I've barely managed to sleep during the night. I was on my edge right now, just this near my breaking point. But not just yet.

I would probably break tonight, when I knew what exactly was wrong with me. Well, I knew what was wrong with me, but then I would know how bad it was. If I would live or not. What kind of treatment they were gonna give me to help me cure this. Logan had told me about them, what the best options were depending on the stage of cancer you have. The best one was to just remove the whole kidney with a tumor. And I didn't even have that much problems with it, people could live with one kidney, and though I would have to take pills for the rest of my life, it was totally worth it if I didn't have to leave Logan alone.

He was so scared of that. I never thought Logan had this kind of fear for being alone. When we'd gotten back to the hotel that Saturday we were in San Diego, after spending at least half an hour in that bathroom, Logan had broken down again, for once he was completely open with me and told me exactly what he was feeling. It had left me heartbroken, his pain became mine and I wanted to kill myself for not telling sooner so this could've been discovered earlier and he wouldn't have to be so worried and scared and unhappy.

I'd held him against me the whole night, he eventually cried himself to sleep, but I didn't even think about closing my eyes. Not when I had this much on my mind. I had looked at his face and swore myself there was no way I would ever leave him, not because of this. I could fight, had been a fighter all my life. I could fight this too. For Logan. For Keira and Kegan and Kendall Jr. For James, Carlos, Lizzy, mom and Katie and my unborn niece or nephew. I wanted to meet that baby too.

On Sunday we'd stayed in the hotel room until we had to go to the airport, spending our time talking, kissing and touching. We even made love, looking each other in the eye the whole time, connected in every single possible way. I tried to tell him with every move I made, that I would take care of it, that I would make sure everything was going to be fine, like always.

"Kendall?" I heard Logan mumble.

"Shh, go back to sleep, sweetie," I whispered and put my hand on his face, caressing his cheek.

"Want to stay with you," He whimpered and clung to me tighter, moving up until his head was tucked safely in the crook of my neck.

I turned my head and kissed his forehead. "I'm staying right here, Logie, I'm not going anywhere."

"Will you hold me?" He asked with a small, scared voice.

I put my arms around his shoulders, rubbing his back softly. "I will, Logie. Close your eyes again, okay?"

He nodded and a few minutes later he fell back to sleep, still restless. I started running my fingers through his hair, getting lost in the soft feeling of his locks for a while. I didn't want it, but almost automatically my mind drifted back to everything that happened last week. Monday was worst, I'd gotten the treatment then. The medicine was called Avastin and they put it in an IV-bag so it could slowly flow into my blood. It should help me, because it stopped the growth of new blood vessels in the tumor so it wouldn't grow any further. Hopefully it would even shrink a bit. It also prevented the cancer from spreading through my body, if it didn't already do that...

The doctor I got signed up to by the doctor in San Diego, had told me I had three options. The first one was second stage cancer, which meant an average tumor just in my kidney. The second was third stage; an average tumor, but the cancer did spread. And the third was first stage, a small tumor and no spreadings. If I was really lucky, I had that. And that was what I was desperately hoping for; stage 1 or stage 2, because both of them could easily be cured by surgery.

There was also a fourth stage, but the doctor said that wasn't likely for two reasons: one, I was young, and two, I would've had way more symptoms. So I was glad. The first three stages were curable, the fourth wasn't. It meant I had a fairly good chance to get better. And that was how I cheered Logan up, that even if it was stage 3, I could still get better. It didn't really help, but it got a smile out of him every time I said it, a small, humorless smile, but nonetheless a smile.

Wednesday, we had to go to the hospital to get the MRI-scan. I was a little nervous about this one, they said it didn't hurt, but I didn't like the idea of lying in a small tunnel for a long time. Logan couldn't stay with me either, because there was something about it that was bad for baby Kendall. It was bad for any human being, really. After all it wasn't too bad, I just had my eyes closed and listened to the music they played. It was over in a flash. And I would get the results on Monday. Today.

Mom was suspicious. She noticed something was wrong. We asked her to babysit Keira and Kegan for those two days, because we didn't want to bring them with us to the hospital. She had asked us why we didn't spend time with our children, 'You guys just came back from San Diego and now you have plans together again. It's not good for children to be away from their parents a lot.' But I didn't want to tell her the real reason yet, so I let her think she was right. And she was, I hated it I couldn't just sit at home and play with Keira and Kegan, but I had no choice. If I wanted to do anything with them in the future, I would have to get better now.

The rest of the week we spend home, watching our children, playing with them, feeding them and putting them to bed at night. Both of them were happy we were both home for a while. At night the cheery mood from the kids disappeared and everything came back to us. Logan would crawl in my lap and rest his head on my chest, staring ahead of him while listening to my heartbeat. I tried whispering sweet words to him, telling him I loved him and was going to make everything okay again. But after I'd made him cry three times I stopped, I didn't want to make him cry. Instead I would kiss him softly until I got a reaction out of him, then we'd make out until either of us decided it was time to go to bed.

Today was going to be busy. Logan and I had to be in the hospital at ten for an ultrasound, hopefully the one that would tell us if we had a boy or a girl. Right after that, we had the appointment with my doctor and we would know if we had to worry or if we could be happy. Then we had to go straight to the airport, because James, Carlos and Lizzy were coming back from Minnesota today.

Then we would go back home and prepare family dinner. Mom would come to our house today to watch her grandchildren while we were out. She was going to make pizzas with Keira and Kegan for us to eat tonight. I was a little unsure about that, didn't know if I would be able to eat anything Kegan made. I still remembered the 'French fries pizza' he wanted to make. Silly kid.

Logan shifted in his sleep, moving onto his other side. I turned too, closing my arms around his body. "I love you," I mumbled and closed my eyes. "I'll always be here for you, if you just realized that..." Maybe I would sleep just a little bit...

"Papa," A little voice whispered in my ear. "Papa."

I opened my eyes and noticed it was already light outside, turning around, I saw Kegan sitting next to me on the bed. "Hey, buddy. What's up?"

I reached out, pulling him down next to me. "My neck hurts," He whispered and coughed.

"You mean your throat?" I asked him. Great, everyone was getting sick lately.

He nodded and curled closer to me. I felt his forehead, getting a little more worried when I felt the warmth. I tried to remember what I knew of children's disease that had to do with the throat, but couldn't think of any. I sat up and pulled Kegan in my arms, taking him with me to the bathroom. "Are you cold?"

"Yes." I set him on the closed toilet seat and searched for the thermometer. I would've to wake Logan up soon, he was a children's doctor, he knew what to do.

"Open your mouth, Kegie," I said, holding the thermometer against his lips. He did, not in the mood to protest against anything. "Stay here, okay? I'm going to get you a blanket. And keep that thing in your mouth."

I kissed the top of his head and went back to my room, getting the extra blanket Logan kept in our closet for cold nights -come one, this was California, it was never cold here. After I got it, I sat on the bed and nudged Logan. "Kegan's sick," I told him.

Kegan was shivering in his blue pajamas when I got back, thermometer hanging out of his mouth. "Aww, Kegie," I muttered, feeling sorry for my little son. I wrapped the blanket around his tiny body, then looked at his temperature. 101.4. Not really serious yet. I put it back in the cabinet and picked him up. "C'mon, baby. Daddy's going to make you better."

Logan was already up and pulling on his jeans. He grimaced when he saw Kegan and quickly took him from me, holding him on his hips since his bump was getting in the way. "He has a fever and his throat hurts," I explained.

He nodded and sat on the bed, holding Kegan in his lap. "Can you get me a flashlight? And a popsicle?"

That made sense. "Sure." I first went to get the flashlight and brought it to Logan, then went downstairs to get a popsicle. When I got back in the room, Logan was looking into Kegan's mouth with the flashlight. I waited until he was done, before sitting next to them.

"His tonsils are swollen, but I don't think it's really serious." He turned back to Kegan. "Want a popsicle to stop it from hurting?"

The little brunette nodded, not as eager as he usually was when he got to eat a popsicle. I took the wrapped off and gave it to him, then kissed his forehead and got up. "I'm going to get ready." It was still early, but I was up now anyway. Logan nodded and scooted back onto the bed, going to sit against the headboard and holding Kegan in his lap.

Three hours later mom arrived and Logan and I were on our way to the hospital. Logan didn't like it at all we had to leave Kegan when he was sick, but knew my mother would take good care of him. Kegan's fever had rise a little and he was coughing more than before, but he was fine just sitting on the couch, wrapped up in his blanket and watching TV.

Keira was just doing what she always did; drawing or playing or watching TV with Kegan or helping her grandma. She noticed something was going on with us and asked me about it a few days ago when Logan was somewhere else. She was scared something was wrong with him or the baby, but I told her they were both fine she was okay again, not realizing yet it was me who was sick.

I liked to keep it that way.

Logan was driving for once. He knew about my sleeplessness and refused to let me drive. I couldn't help but agree with him, I wouldn't have let him drive with my conditions either. I didn't like him driving when he was pregnant, but at this point we didn't really have a choice anymore. We had to choose for the better of two worse.

But I was still relieved when we reached the hospital safely. Logan was quiet again and just held onto my hand tightly as we walked inside. "You know it's going to be fine no matter what, right?" I asked him when we got into an empty elevator.

Logan didn't answer me, instead stepped closer to me and squeezed my hand harder. I kissed his temple, "I love you. Just think about Kendall for now," I whispered.

He smiled at me a little and nodded. The doors of the elevator opened and we went out, walking to Dr. Young's office and sitting down in the waiting room. We didn't have to wait long, Logan's name was quickly called and we went into the office. He took a seat on the examination table and I sat next to him, taking his hand. "Boy or girl?"

"It doesn't matter," He said with a smile. "I got Kendall."

I smiled and got up to give him a kiss, closing my hands over his stomach. "It's girl. I'm sure of it."

"You just want another head with curls to make pretty braids and ponytails in," He teased.

"What's wrong with that?" I asked curiously. "So what if I like Keira's hair. The day she says 'Pa, I can do it myself now' will be the darkest day of my life."

Logan chuckled and leaned in to kiss me again. "Maybe you should grow your own hair and play with that once she's too old."

"I like my hair as it is now. You on the other hand would be perfect to have long brown locks."

"Yeah. Not gonna happen. I hated my hair when it was as long as yours, it just hung there around my face all day. It was annoying."

"I thought it was cute."

"Of course you would think that." But he smiled fondly and folded his hands over mine on his stomach. "Kendall, we have to talk to the doctor about your cancer," He said softly.

"What? Why?" I asked surprised, then frowned. "I don't want to tell anyone."

"I know, I don't want that either, but we're not sure if kidney cancer is genetic. If it is, and if you had cancer when we 'made' Kendall, he or she might have cancer, or maybe some other disease that's related to the kidneys. Dr. Young has to run some tests to see nothing is wrong."

This huge lump of guilt sank in my stomach. What if my illness affected our baby? Or Logan? I couldn't handle that. "Kendall, it's not your fault," Logan said quickly when he saw my face. "We didn't know until now, you couldn't have done anything to prevent this. And there is only a small chance it's genetic, and even a smaller chance that you gave it to baby. It's going to be fine, this is just to know for sure nothing is wrong."

I nodded, still not feeling any better. "What kind of tests will he run on you?"

"He'll just take some blood from me and do an AFT."

"What's an AFT?" I asked worriedly. It definitely didn't sound good.

"An amniotic fluid test. Or amniocentesis."

The fluid baby Kendall was living in inside Logan? "How are they going to do that?"

"With a needle," Logan said, biting his lip. "They do an ultrasound to get the baby's position and then stick the needle through my skin and the womb where there's just fluid so they won't hit baby or the placenta." He was nervous about that. I could see it on his face.

"Is that safe?"

"For 97%. There's a bigger risk of miscarriage after that," He admitted quietly.

I bit my lip, staring at Logan who was looking down at the floor until I put my hand under his chin, lifting his head up. "Hey. It'll be okay," I told him, cupping his cheek in my hand.

Logan didn't answer, just reached out and wrapped his arms around my waist, resting his head on my chest. "Will you be there with me when he does that? I feel better with you there," He muttered.

"I will be there, baby. I'm always with you on those things, right?"

He looked up at me smiling. I leaned in, softly pressing our lips together. "It'll be alright, Logie," I mumbled. "I'm going to be fine, baby Kendall is going to be just as healthy and happy as Keira and Kegan are and you're not going to be alone."

"I trust you," He whispered.

We were having another daughter. Logan and the doctor quickly found out and Logan told me happily. I'd smiling ever since I heard it. Another little girl running around the house, playing with dolls and learning how to draw from her sister, being protected by her big brother... Amazing.

Logan had explained the doctor about our change of situation after that and the dr. Young agreed with him that they had to do some tests to see everything was okay. Or not. I kept quiet and let them handle it, blocking out everything beside my little girl in Logan's belly and wondered what she would be like, if she would resemble me or Logan more. I hoped she looked like Logan, but Logan would be so happy if he got the pair of green eyes he wanted. I decided both situations were good.

The two of us were now walking ever so slowly to the oncology department, my arm securely around Logan's waist. He was trembling and I desperately wanted to make it stop; do anything to make him feel better, tell him it was all going to be okay. I knew he wouldn't believe it. We just had to go in that office, hear out what the doctor says and deal with it.

We passed the exit and he looked at it longingly, but we couldn't go there. We couldn't leave anymore. "Logie, come on," I mumbled, pulling him along with me to the waiting room.

He looked up at me, tears in his eyes, and he shook his head. "I can't do it," He whispered, he voice shaking. "I can't go in there with you."

He didn't want to go with me? I didn't want to face the doctor on my own. But I didn't want to make Logan do something he didn't want to do. I closed my eyes for a moment, then pulled him with me to a nearby bathroom and gently pushed him inside. I turned to him after closing the door, only seeing his back and shaking shoulders.

I quickly went up to him and slid my arms around him, pulling him back against my chest. "It's okay, baby," I whispered. "It's okay. You don't have to come with me."

"I'm s-s-sorry," He whimpered and turned around, hiding his face in my chest.

"Shh," I mumbled. "I got you, sweetie. It's fine."

He pulled away a little and looked up at me angrily, but it wasn't really convincing since he still had tears streaming down his cheeks. "It's n-not f-fine! I s-should b-b-be h-helping y-you w-with t-this, i-instead of c-crying a-and-"

I took his face in my hands and rubbed the tears of his face. "Don't cry, Logie. Just stay here, okay? I'll go in, hear the doctor out and come back here to get you right after, it's fine."

He averted his eyes, turning his head away from me as he nodded. "Hey," I whispered, pulling him back. "I love you."

Logan gave me a watery smile and timidly walked into my embrace again, his face resting on my shoulder. "I love you too," He breathed. "So much, Kendall."

"Stay right here, okay? I'm gonna be back and everything's going to be fine; we'll live happily ever after." Logan nodded more bravely this time and leaned in to kiss me, his lips nibbling softly on my bottom lip. "Kendall?" He whispered.

"Hmm?"

"If you get... bad news, will you call the dinner off?"

"Is that what you want?" I asked him, caressing his cheek with my thumb to show him I wasn't mad.

He opened his eyes and nodded, his hands reached out to grab my shirt.

"We'll do that, sweetie," I told him softly.

"I just want to be with you," He mumbled.

"I know, Logie. Me too. But it will be alright, okay? We'll have plenty of time to be spend time together." I took a look at my watch, noting I was late for my appointment. "I have to go now, sweetie."

He nodded timidly and stepped away from me, but I pulled him into a hug. "I love you. Stay here and I'll come and get you right after, okay? Don't go anywhere, I don't want to lose you."

Logan nodded again and pulled away, just staring at me with his big round eyes filled with fear. I turned away, taking a deep breath to get myself to do this. I didn't want to go alone. I wanted him with me, holding his hand to remind myself what I was doing this for, why I should fight harder than anyone ever did before, to make sure I could stay with my family. So I could stay with my Logie.

I looked at him again when I opened the door, blowing him a kiss. Logan bit his lip and looked down at the floor, but I saw the tears escaping his eyes and I wanted nothing more than to go back to him and hold him in my arms until he felt better again, but I had to go right now. I had to go to that doctor and hear what he had to say, so I could do everything in my power to make sure I would stay alive until I was at least eighty.

I closed the door and started walking. I knew that if I paused, I would go right back to Logan and take him to some far place so we could just forget all this. Which was not good, because I would die. And I didn't want that.

I didn't even care if I would die or not, as long as Logan went with me. It was incredibly selfish and egocentric, but I couldn't help it. Logan didn't want to die yet, so I wasn't going either. And I wanted to stay with Keira, Kegan and Kenzie; watch them grow up, play with them, spend time with them. One day I wanted to move them out of LA, find a nice, big house on the countryside with a big backyard I can work in and just live a quiet, peaceful life instead of a hectic one like this.

But first I had to make sure I would get better. That I would live and make sure all of that happened. I wanted to give Logan so much more, the life he's always wanted. The family he wished to have -we're almost there. Everything was going perfectly well. Logan got his certificate to work as a doctor, we have a great house right next to our friends', we have two amazing children and another one coming to join us in a few months.

We got a perfect family, with my great sister and her husband, my niece or nephew almost ready to join us. Mom and Mr. Bitters and all our friends at the Palm Woods, having rich and healthy lives of their own. James and Carlos, our two friends that needed our help now to find their daughter's sister, Lizzy, the little blonde girl I slowly grew to love as much as my own children.

Logan. My Logan. The one most important thing in my life, my love, the keeper of my heart. My perfect match. My soul mate. My sweet baby. I needed him, without him I wouldn't even try to live. I couldn't do that. I wished so hard I could have him next to me now, hold his hand securely in mine as I walked into that office, just to know I wasn't in this alone. That I had someone there for me.

I blinked my eyes quickly, willing the tears away. I could do this on my own, I was strong, Logan always said that. I was able to go in there and calmly listen to the doctor, then tell Logan about it. Tonight I would let myself break down. I would wait until we were in bed and I would watch Logan sleep in my arms, that's when I would cry. I would let it out, look at Logan and remember that I had him. That he was mine and I could do all this just to make him happy. There was no higher purpose in my life.

And he was there for me, in his own, quiet, terrified way. Logan just couldn't do this, wasn't able to deal with the anxiousness and I was okay with that. He needed to stay calm, think of our baby and just relax. I could deal with this little thing on my own, listen to the doctor and then go tell my Logie I would be okay no matter what the doctor said. He had to believe that I would stay with him for the rest of my life. If Logan believed it, I could believe it too.

I kept telling him everything would be fine, although I wasn't so sure myself. I tried to stay optimistic for Logan, but inside I was more realistic. I knew that there was a chance, even with stage 2, that I would die. I had to start thinking about that, how I could make Logan's life as comfortable and happy as possible without me there. There was no way I would be leaving this world without making sure Logan and my children would be taken care of.

Of course James and Carlos would always stay close to their friend and help where they could; that was already a huge part. But I had to make sure they would be taken care of, that I didn't leave Logan with two children and a baby on the way all by himself. I needed to figure out a way to tell Logan he was strong enough to live life without me, because he was strong enough, he could do it. He just didn't realize it yet.

I was going to talk to James and Carlos about this when they were back and after I told him I had cancer. I needed their word that they would look after Logan and my children when I wasn't there. I would do the same for them if something happened to either of them and the other was left alone with Lizzy. But I needed their word.

"Mr. Knight? Are you ready?" The doctor asked friendly.

I looked up, noticing I was already at the office of the oncologist and he was waiting for me by the door. "Oh, right. Yeah." I followed him into the office.

"Let's move right onto the important part, shall we? I don't think you're in the mood for small talk now, are you?"

"No, not at all," I mumbled.

He nodded in understanding and gestured to a chair. I sat in it and unlike other doctors, he sat down next to me. "It's stage 2," He said with a smile.

I started grinning and felt relieve washing over me. Stage 2 was curable. I had to give my kidney and take medicine for the rest of my life, but I would live and stay with my family. "Good, "Was my lame answer.

"It is. But now we have to go over the risks of living with one kidney."

"Right, but would you mind if I brought my husband inside?"

The man raised his eyebrows, but nodded. "Thank you, I'll be back in a minute." I got up and ran back to the bathroom, wanting nothing more than to make my baby happy. I was so ecstatic right now and I wanted to share it with him. "Logan!" I shouted and knocked on the bathroom door hard. He'd locked after I left.

It took only a few seconds before he was there, opening the door for him. His eyes were standing so hopeful and I would've hated it to let him down; but I didn't have to. I could tell him I was going to be fine; for real. With one step I was inside and had my arms around him, lifting him off the floor. "It's stage 2," I whispered in his ear. "It's gonna be okay, Logie. It's gonna be okay."

And he started sobbing, his face pressed tightly in my shoulder and his arms coming up to encircle my neck. I rocked him, a smile appearing on my face as I realized I wasn't going to die. Yes, I still had to do the surgery, yes, I had to learn how to live with one kidney; what I could, and couldn't do. But I would live. "Shh, sweetie. I got you."

I pulled away and took his face in my hand, steadying it to press our lips together. Logan just let it happen, his shoulders were still shaking and his cheeks were wet, but he grabbed onto me tighter and I didn't think he would ever let go of me. I kissed him harder, needier, because I wanted Logan to feel like he was all I ever wanted. Because he was.

I slowly started pressing him up against the wall, trapping him between me, my arms and the tiled wall. Logan put his arms around my waist and leaned into me, his lips just moving with mine. "I'm going to be okay," I muttered again and bit softly in his bottom lip, pulling his lips apart so I could enter his mouth.

After a few minutes of kissing, he pulled away and rested his head on my chest. I hugged him to me tightly and started rocking him. "I'm going to live, sweetie," I whispered. "And we're having another beautiful daughter. See how well this day is going so far?"

It brought back the tears again and he let out a single sob. "K-Kendall..."

I ran my fingers through his hair and kissed the top of his head, holding him against me closely until he stopped shaking. "Come, sweetie. Let's go hear that doctor out and then we'll go to the airport, find a place we can get ice cream."

"Can't we just stay in the car and cuddle?" He asked softly.

I nodded and kissed him again. "Of course." Logan smiled and put his arms around my waist, holding on tight. I brought my hand up to his teary face and wiped the wetness away with my sleeve, not caring there was now a wet spot on my shirt.

I carefully pried his arms from my body and took his hand to lace our fingers. "Come, we just have to listen to the doctor for a little while and then we go away and it'll be just the two of us."

After our talk with the doctor, we didn't waste any time to get to the car. I wanted nothing more than just forget, get the whole operation done with and leave this chapter of my life behind as soon as possible, so I could focus on more happier things, like the birth of my third baby, the child Logan and I'd been longing for for quite a while.

Once we were both in the backseat of the car, we laid down and pressed close together so I wouldn't roll of the seat onto the floor -not that either of us minded we had to cuddle. Logan had only spilled a few tears and most of them were in relieve, before he nuzzled his face in my chest and fell asleep.

I was more than okay with just lying there and watching him sleep, hoping that when he woke up he would be a little less scared and more optimistic about the whole situation. There was a really big chance I was going to survive the surgery and the time after that, if I just came to every check up to see if the cancer came back or not for the coming five years; if not, I was clean. If it did come back... Well, I would deal with it then. For now I was just happy I was going to be in the land of the living for the birth of my child.

I would have surgery in a month; the sooner the better, the doctor had said. He was going to be removing my whole kidney, because the tumor was too big and had already invaded too much of that small organ. After the surgery, I had a recovery period of about three months, wherein I wouldn't be allowed to carry any heavy stuff and had to eat according to a certain diet. It probably wouldn't by much different than the food I currently ate, since I was really into healthy food and all. But it would still be hard, especially because Logan was pregnant and had to take it easy too. We were going to need help from James and Carlos. Definitely.

I felt guilty about not being able to search for Mary-Alice anymore. She was practically their daughter already, but they had no way of finding her without our help. I wanted to find her too, but I was barely able to stay upright now, the treatment was really taking it's toll on me. For now I was okay, just tired and a headache, but who knew how long it took before some more serious symptoms appeared.

Of course Logan could still search for her, but if he continued to be as clingy as he was the last week, he would never leave my side until he knew I was alright again. But I wasn't sure that even if he was up for it, I probably wouldn't let him go because of his pregnancy. I didn't want to risk our baby.

I yawned and closed my eyes; I was so tired, but I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep now. Logan was already off to dreamland and one of us had to make sure we left in time to pick James and Carlos up from the airport.

"Kendall?" Logan asked softly. "Are you asleep?"

"No," I whispered.

"Do you want to?"

"Yes." Please, please let me sleep to catch up on the past eight night I didn't sleep.

Logan kissed my cheek and then rested his head back on my chest. "Okay," He said and started humming 'You're Beautiful'.

I had been sleeping until Logan woke me up, telling me we were already at the airport and I'd been sleep throughout the ride there. I was grateful he hadn't woken me up, I felt a lot better and less tired. Now I noticed too that Logan was still as worried and scared as he'd been all week, even now, after I had told him it was stage two. I didn't understand. He should be happy again, or at least happier.

Hand in hand we walked to the arrival hall and we only had to wait ten minutes. I grinned and waved when I saw them coming out of the hall where you got your baggage. Carlos and Lizzy in the front and James following, pushing a cart with huge suitcases. "Hey, buddy!" I said happily when Carlos was within hearing distance.

What I received wasn't a bear hug, or even a friendly smile. I was sure that if Carlos had had laser eyes, I would be dead by now. "I'm pissed at you," He hissed when he was close enough and then went up to Logan, greeting him what a hug and a smile. I was stunned. What did I do to make him mad at me! I looked at James, hoping he would give me some information.

"He's still pissed about the pictures and that you and I didn't tell him about them," James said softly when he was close enough. He hugged me. "You've no idea what kind of hell I've been living in the past week. Wasn't Logan mad?"

"Yeah, but then something else came up and our attention was pretty much on that."

"Oh! That was that night you fainted and ended up in the hospital. Are you okay?"

I grimaced and looked away from him. "There's a little more to it, I'll tell you guys later." Someone started tugging on my leg and I looked down, grinning at Lizzy's smiling face. "Hey, princess," I said as I picked her up. "How was it in Minnesota?"

"I got a doll from grandma!"

"Did you?"

"Yes! It talks!"

"No way!"

She nodded happily and gave a very confusing description of what the doll looked like. "That's awesome, Lizzy. You should show it to Keira, she likes playing with dolls as well."

The little girl reached out for her daddy and I handed her to James, taking over his luggage cart. "Hey, this is gonna sound weird, but could you drive us home? Neither of us is really able to right now."

"Uhm, sure," James said confused. "Why can't you?"

"Logan's pregnant, I don't like him driving when he's with baby and I haven't been sleeping at all, so there's a chance I'll pass out and we'll all die if I drive. Again, we'll explain later."

"Is it serious?" James asked worriedly while we followed Carlos and Logan outside to the car. "You do look awful."

"Thanks," I said bitterly. "And yes, it's kinda serious. Turns out I'm gonna be okay though, but there was a chance I would die." There still is. Just wasn't going to tell him that. 95% chance of survival, the doctor had said.

"No shit," James whispered shocked, but then remembered Lizzy. "Go to daddy, Lizzle," He told her and put her on the ground, watching her run up to Carlos. "Dude, I don't even know what to say right now."

"You don't have to, I'm going to be fine. It'll just take a while. We're gonna need you guys."

"Yeah, of course," He said immediately, then pulled a face. "At least, I'll help you, and I'm sure Carlos would too, but he doesn't want to be anywhere near me tight now."

"He's that mad because you didn't tell him about the pictures?"

"You should've seen it, Kendall. He's never been this mad in whole his life, it's even worse than you when you found out I kissed Logan."

I grimaced. "Don't remind me of that."

"Sorry. But wasn't Logan mad?"

"He didn't have time to get mad, he was scared and I calmed him down, we called Keira and Kegan and during that phone call, I got sick and fainted, he would've probably been mad if that didn't happen."

"I wish I fainted," James sighed, "Though Carlos probably would've let me die at that moment."

"That sucks, dude, but I'm sure he'll forgive you. Carlos is really bad at holding grudges."

"I know! But he's been mad at me for a week now, Kendall! He's really furious."

"Want me to talk to him?"

"No! He's mad at you too because you didn't tell him about the pictures when I didn't."

"And he's not mad at Logan because I didn't tell him either?"

"Yeah," James mumbled. "This sucks, Kendall."

"I know, buddy. I know all about it." We'd reached the car and I unlocked it, apparently Carlos had explained to Logan what was going on to and had talked my husband into sitting with him in the backseat. He looked surprised though, when not me but James sat in the driver's seat. Lizzy was sitting in the middle, leaning tiredly against Carlos chest.

The ride back was awkward. Because James and Carlos weren't speaking, I didn't really know what to talk about. And since Logan and I had been too occupied with my cancer to even think about Mary-Alice, we didn't have any news on that front either. I could ask them about Minnesota, but that would probably just bring up bad memories. Then there was the news we had to break to them, but I wanted to wait with telling them until I had my whole family together. It was hard to talk about cancer and I wanted to explain it just one time.

Half an hour later we arrived at our house and James, Carlos and Lizzy went home to clean up and put their stuff away. Logan and I went home; I wanted to know how Kegan was if he got any sicker. "Daddy!" Keira said happily when she saw Logan coming into the kitchen, she was making a puzzle with mom.

"Hey, sweetheart," He said and went up to them while I put the car keys away and checked the living room to see if Kegan was there.

"He's upstairs, Kendall," Mom told me when she saw me searching. Logan had taken place at the table to look at the puzzle Keira's been making. I smiled at her as a thank you and went upstairs, going straight to Kegan's room, but he wasn't there. Then I remembered Kegan always slept in the big bed when he was sick and I went there.

My little boy was curled up under the covers, wrapped in the blanket I put around him this morning and my sleep shirt tightly in his little fists. It made me smile, that he grabbed for my shirt once instead of Logan's like he used to do. I sat on the edge of the bed and stroked the hair from his pale face, feeling his burning skin. He flinched when I touched him and opened his eyes, turning towards me. "Papa," He whimpered and reached out for me.

"Hey, Kegie," I said softly and picked him up, blanket and all. "Are you feeling a little better?"

He shook his head and curled into my chest, shivering when his feet got in touch with the cold air. "Are you going away again?" He asked with a small voice, and I knew I wasn't leaving him until he was better.

"No, baby," I shushed. "We're staying home today."

Kegan nodded and closed his eyes again, leaning into me when he started coughing. I rubbed his back and pulled the blanket around him tighter. "James, Carlos, Lizzy and auntie Katie are coming to eat here tonight, you wanna sit with us downstairs?"

He nodded again, but didn't open his eyes. I put my arm under his legs and picked him up, carrying him downstairs. "Lizzy is back, Kegan. Do you want to see your friend again?"

"Yes," He whispered.

We got into the kitchen and Kegan reached out for Logan, wanting some affection from his other father as well. "Aw, Kegie," Logan said guiltily and scooted his chair back to make some room for Kegan. "Is your throat still hurting?"

Kegan got tears in his eyes as he nodded and pressed his face in Logan's shirt, his body awkwardly curled around the bump on Logan's stomach. Logan wrapped his arms around him and held him close, but I could see Kegan wasn't really comfortable. I wasn't going to tell Logan that though, he would feel bad.

I ran my fingers through Keira's hair when I passed her and sat in my chair. "What did you guys do today?" I asked her.

"We made a salad and I ate a tomato and I liked it!"

"Wow, Keke! I'm proud of you!"

She grinned widely and went back to her puzzle. "So how did the ultrasound go?" Mom asked.

"It went great, there were no problems and K-baby is growing well," Logan said.

"Did I just spot a name? And do you know the gender? I know Katie is having- wait I'm not allowed to say this."

"Aw, mom. That's not fair!"

"Sorry. Promised her I wouldn't do it."

"Then we're not gonna tell you the gender either."

"And the name?" Mom asked disappointed.

"Logan wants to name our baby after me," I said proudly.

She smiled at me, but then sighed sadly. "Kendall is a unisex name, now I still know nothing."

I smirked. "That was the point."

Then I saw Kegan struggling out of Logan's arms and slide of his lap, running up to me and dragging his blanket along with him. I lifted him in my lap, pulling the blanket around him again as he snuggled into my body and closed his eyes. I looked up to find see Logan looking at the table, his face sad. I felt bad for him, we never had this problem before. Keira was much younger when he was pregnant with Kegan and didn't even notice.

I looked up when I heard the front door opening and saw Carlos and Lizzy coming in. They were wearing different clothes, but both of them still looked tired. I tried to smile at Carlos, but he once again ignored me completely and went straight to my mother, greeting her happily before sitting down next to Logan.

"Is Kegan sick?" Lizzy asked when she came up to me to greet the boy in my lap.

I nodded and pulled him a little closer, his tiny body feeling cold even under that blanket. I was gonna let him sleep with me and Logan in our bed tonight, I wanted to know if he was doing okay. "Yes, he has a sore throat, but he'll be okay soon."

Lizzy nodded and patted Kegan's head, then sat down next to Keira to help her with the puzzle. James had arrived here too, coming up to sit next to me after giving Logan a hug. I was glad to see there wasn't any tension between them, probably because Logan had other things on his mind that he thought were more important and didn't have the energy to be mad at James or me for lying about the pictures.

Kegan coughed again and shifted in my lap, turning towards me and taking my shirt in his fist. "I know, buddy," I mumbled, running my hand through his hair.

"Is he sick?" James asked pitifully.

"Yeah, a fever and a sore throat, but Logan said he'd be fine so I'm not too worried about it."

James nodded and then looked over at Carlos, pulling a sad face when the Latino was talking very animatedly with my mother and Logan about the things he did in Minnesota and didn't even glance at James. "I've to sleep on the couch tonight," He said quietly.

"Of course not, Carlos isn't that mad at you," I told him.

"He put my pillow and a blanket on the couch before we left. And he told me not to unpack my suitcase so I wouldn't have to come into our room. It was actually the only thing he's said to me all day. And it's a pretty clear message, Kendall."

I stared at James in shock, never did I expect Carlos was this mad at his husband. I remembered the other times they fought, but even then it didn't come this far. Although this was a completely different situation. "Fuck, James."

He bit his lip and looked away from Carlos again, probably because it hurt to have his husband so close but still not be able to trust him. I did feel like this was James' own fault though; he didn't tell Carlos about the pictures. But on the other hand, I never thought the Latino would take it this bad. "It'll be okay," James mumbled. "I just hate myself for hurting him like this."

"You should, but if I had known he would react like this I would've told you to tell him more persistently. Did you try to explain to him why you didn't tell him?"

"Yeah, but he wasn't listening to me at all, besides, my reasons weren't even that good. I should've just told him."

"Remember that for the next time," I said and patted his shoulder, then turned back to Kegan. It was time to start dinner, but I couldn't move with him curled up in my lap. I would rather stay here and hold him since he was so comfortable, but I couldn't leave the cooking to anyone else tonight. Especially since this was my house. "Kegie, wake up."

He whimpered and opened his eyes a little, immediately closing them again when his eyes were met with the light room. "Come on, buddy, you have to sit with daddy while I make dinner. Or with grandma."

"Or with me," James proposed.

Kegan nodded and crawled from my lap into James', curling up into a ball again. I put the blanket over him and got up, walking to the kitchen to heat up the pasta I prepared yesterday. Logan joined me quickly, the closeness of just him standing next to me was a great feeling. It made me feel even luckier when I remembered James and Carlos were fighting and Logan was just gonna be sleeping in my arms tonight. Oh, that was mean...

I was pouring water in a pan to boil the noodles in when he suddenly yelled, "Wow!" And dropped empty cup he was holding.

"What is it?" I asked anxiously. Nothing was wrong with him, right? Or baby Kendall?

"Baby just moved!" He said happily and pulled me closer by my hands, placing them on his stomach. "It was right here..."

We waited a few minutes, everyone was quiet as if they would hear it, but when Logan gasped again I couldn't feel anything. "Did you feel it, Kendall? It was right under your hand."

I shook my head pitifully and Logan's happy expression dropped. "It's okay, Logie. It's not like this is going to be the last time baby moves," I told him, smiling softly at the disappointed expression on his face.

He smiled back at me and for a few seconds he was the only other thing in this world, but he quickly realized there were five other people in the room and he stepped away from me. "You're probably right. There'll be more opportunities."

Four hours later we were done with dinner. Katie and Dak were here too, my sister now sitting on the couch with Kegan because she was more comfortable there and Kegan was still sick and appreciated the close contact right now. He found a way to lie comfortably on Katie's legs.

I wished she would come back to the kitchen so I could tell everyone I have cancer and that I was going to be fine after surgery. I wanted to get it done with and now was the perfect moment; Kegan was sleeping and Keira and Lizzy were upstairs watching a movie in our bedroom. It just started and they wouldn't come back down until it was over.

Carlos was still ignoring James and it was so obvious my oldest friend hated it, he tried to not show it and just talked with Dak, mom and me, but every minute or so he would look over at Carlos and Logan longingly. I understood what it was like, having missed Logan for half a year. I hoped Carlos wouldn't be mad at him for long, because though it was James' own fault, I didn't want either of my friends to be unhappy. And neither of them was happy now.

When Logan was helping me preparing dinner he told me Carlos didn't talk about it at all, not even when he'd straight out asked him about their fight. I had tried apologizing to Carlos during dinner, but he'd just ignored me too. Mom, Katie and Dak noticed something was going on, but probably decided to stay out of it. They were used to our strange behavior by now and knew it was better to let us handle it ourselves. Besides, we weren't teenagers anymore.

The four of us definitely needed to talk soon. Hopefully tonight.

I was done, I couldn't have fighting friends right now. If we wanted to find Mary Alice, if we wanted to keep our children save from the creepy stalker and just get our lives to be normal again; we needed to work together. Yes, James and I shouldn't have lied to Carlos and Logan, but it was done now and we couldn't take it back. And I would like to get a little bit support from them with my cancer.

I got up abruptly and went into the living room, where Katie and Kegan were still on the couch, eating and sleeping. "Katie, I need to talk to you guys, can you come to the kitchen?"

She sighed. "You really wanted me to get up and walk all the way to the kitchen with this stomach, just because you have to say something?"

"If it's not too much to ask," I said coldly, "It's important."

"Fine, help me up," She said. I nodded and moved Kegan off of her lap, into the corner of the couch. Katie held out her hands and I helped her off the couch.

"Can you walk on your own or do I have to help you with that too?"

"No, I'm fine, big brother." She walked to the kitchen, holding the underside of her stomach as if it would fall off her body when she didn't do that. I made sure Kegan was still sleeping before following her.

"Okay, everyone. I need to tell you something," I said. I met Logan's eyes, noting the sad look in his eyes.

"I'm gonna take Kegan upstairs," He said softly and quickly left the kitchen. I understood why he left, but I wished he would've stayed here. Logan's presence was important to me.

Then I realized the rest of my family was waiting for me to say something and was looking at me weirdly as I stared in the direction he left in. "Right, okay. This is hard," I said, turning back to the important people in my kitchen.

"Just tell us, Kendall," Katie said, "You're not gonna die or anything, right?"

She was way closer than she could've imagined, but she only realized it when I looked down at the floor and didn't answer it. "Kendall?" She asked again, a little unsure this time. "You're not really gonna die, are you?"

I took a deep breath and looked up again. "It's not likely."

"Dude, you're really scaring me right now, earlier you said you were fine. Tell us what's going on," James said, he indeed had a fearful look on his face. Even Carlos, who had pulled out his new phone and started playing a game on it when Logan left, was looking at me now. His expression not very friendly yet, but not angry either. That was progress.

"Okay, remember last week? When Logan called you all to tell you I was in the hospital?"

There were nods and a few 'yeah's'.

"It was for a really stupid reason. I'd taken way too much pills that day, because my back was hurting like hell and I wanted it to stop. I thought the back pain came from that time I fell from a chair, but then something happened in the hospital that changed everything. Logan and I spent the whole morning in a hospital in San Diego and they did like a million different tests, but eventually they found out what's really wrong with me." I stopped talking, not wanting to actually say the c-word and make my whole family think I'm going to die.

"… and?" Mom asked quietly. She already knew what I was going to say, I could see it in her eyes. I imagined how I would feel when I found out either of my children had cancer and realized she must be wishing so hard it wasn't true.

"Mom, don't worry, okay? They found out early, there's, like, a 95% percent chance I'm gonna make it. And did I ever let you down?"

"Kendall," She whispered and got up, coming up to me to hug me. I hugged her back, looking over her head at the rest of my family. By know they'd all figured out what I was talking about, I didn't even have to say it anymore.

"Where?" James asked me, bus his eyes were on Carlos. The Latino was staring at me, biting his bottom lip, his eyes wide.

"A tumor around 2.5 inches in my left kidney."

A few things happened that moment; Katie got up too and hugged me too. "Damn it, Kendall," She muttered and wiped the tears from her eyes impatiently. "You can't do this now."

Carlos had gotten up abruptly and walked out of the kitchen, out of my house. I turned to James, who was staring after him longingly. "Dude! Go after him!" I told him, not believing he was really ignoring a chance to make it up to his husband. This was the perfect moment!

"You sur-"

"Yes! Go!"

James nodded and quickly followed Carlos outside. Maybe this whole thing brought something good after all. I was positive I was going to make it, because there was just no way I was leaving Logan and my children, so I didn't really mind James and Carlos took a little more time for each other right now. I pulled away from my mother and sister, leading them back to the table. "Oh my god, how is Logan dealing with this?" Katie asked shakily. "He's pregnant with your baby and you've two other children and they need you!"

She sat back in her chair next to Dak and grabbed his hand. I sat down too and mom's hand covering mine. "I'm not leaving them," I said calmly. "Last week I got the treatment with medicine, which is why I look like shit right now, but it keeps the cancer from spreading through my body. In a month, I'm going into surgery and they're going to take my infected kidney out. After that, I'm all better. I will have to take pills and stuff for the rest of my life, but I will live."

Both women nodded, but I could see they were a lot less confident than I was. Or they were more realistic. That was possible too. I looked up when I heard someone walking down the stairs and coming into the kitchen; Logan. I got up when I saw the look on his face, knowing this was still really hard on him, even now he knew it was stage 2 and not stage 3. Logan was scared and frankly, I couldn't blame him.

He turned around and I followed him into the living room and wrapped my arms around his waist as soon as he stopped, linking my hands together over his bump. "Are you okay?" I asked him quietly and kissed his neck.

Logan nodded and put his hands over mine, leaning back in my embrace. "Kendall is moving again," He told me and moved my hands a bit lower. "Right there."

I kept still and waited for the moving, hoping I would feel it this time. About three minutes later when I just wanted to give up, I felt a really light touch, like the brush of a finger over your skin. "I feel it," I said happily.

Logan smiled at me, leaning in to give me a kiss. During our kiss I heard voices outside and realized it were James and Carlos. And they were talking. "We gotta eavesdrop, Logie," I whispered to his lips and nodded towards the window. He was quiet for a moment, but then his eyes lit up and he nodded.

We moved over and I opened the window just a little bit; thank god it was pretty new and didn't make any noise. I sat down under the window and pulled Logan with me, in between my legs. He put his head on my chest and closed his eyes, just listening to what our friends were saying.

"- really am sorry, Carlos," I heard James. "I had absolutely no right to keep this from you, but it was so hard to see them and I didn't want to worry you because you were so stressed because of work and Ally and I didn't want to make you feel even worse, because then you close down even further and won't talk to anymore. Of course this didn't work out either because you were so mad you stopped talking to me completely..."

"She's my child too," Carlos said quietly. "How would you feel if I found out Lizzy has this creepy disease and didn't tell you until she almost died from it? Because that's about the same thing and I want to know everything that involves her."

"I understand. And I will tell you everything from now on, because you're totally right. Just, please stop ignoring me? I miss you."

"James..."

"I don't want to fight with you, not when, once again, everything is going downhill. Kendall has fucking cancer and I don't want to lose you too."

Logan flinched and I pulled him closer to me, pressing a kiss to his temple. "M'not going anywhere," I mumbled, nuzzling his hair. "Gonna stay right here with you."

"But what happens after the surgery?" He asked quietly. "You'll be in the hospital for at least a week and then you come home and have to take it easy, but I can't do it all on my own, Kendall. Or maybe something goes wrong during the surgery and you end up dying anyway and I can't do that. I need you."

"I'm not going to die, Logie," I told him confidently. "I've other plans for my future."

"You keep saying that, but it's not going to help me! I need to know what happen when- what if you do- I need to know that!" Logan wasn't angry; no, he was shaking and his eyes filled with tears at the mere thought of me dying.

I reacted instantly by pulling him closer and rocking him slowly, Logan shouldn't have to be scared of this. I should have done a better job at staying healthy so I could've prevented this, Logan didn't deserve any of this. Some husband I was, to have him fear for my life while he should've been happy. "Shh, Logie," I mumbled. "I've been thinking about that too, but I just don't know. Please know that I'll always take care of you, I will never leave unless I've made sure you'll be alright. I won't leave you unprepared and unprotected."

His bottom lip trembled and I leaned to kiss him softly, wishing he would feel better. But during our kiss I realized what I had to do to make sure Logan would be happy if I ever died. It made me feel a little better, a little more comfortable, but Logan's cheeks were wet again. "I don't want to be alone," He whispered when I pulled away to look in his eyes. "Please don't leave me alone?"

I bit my lip, staring into his eyes. "I'm trying my hardest, sweetie," I said softly. "And I'm not going to die unless something seriously goes wrong, you heard the doctor saying that. But if I do, I promise you now, I'll make sure you're being taken care of, that you won't be alone. And I'm not sure what happens when a person dies, but I'll find a way to watch over you. Just keep this." I ran my finger over the necklace with the heart with our names on it, then laced my fingers with his and held on tightly.

Logan had his eyes closed and was breathing slowly, trying to calm himself down. "Promise?" He whispered.

"I swear, Logan," I muttered and let my lips linger on his forehead. "Not ever leaving you."

"I want to spend more time with you alone before the surgery," He whispered desperately, "Need to be with you."

I nodded, agreeing with him on this. Logan had to know I loved him more than anything and if this was what he wanted, he would get it. Kissing his temple softly, I moved down to his ear and whispered, "Okay, love."

Logan snuggled into me more and had no intentions of letting me go, even though my family was still in the kitchen. If they walked out they would see us sitting here, though they probably wouldn't care, but I wanted to keep these kind of things private. No one needed to know how scared Logan was unless he or me wanted to inform anyone. Like I was gonna do with James and Carlos to make sure they would look after my Logie in case I died.

"C'mon, sweetie," I said softly. "I'm gonna get you to bed."

Surprisingly, he didn't protest and tiredly climbed off my lap, leaning into me heavily as I helped him walk up the stairs and to our room. Logan just stood still while I took off his clothes and kissed him gently every chance I got. I sat him down on his side of our bed and grabbed the shirt he slept in, but Logan shook his head and reached out for mine, pulling it on before I could help him with it.

The look in his eyes was so helpless. And I had no idea how to make him feel better. "Tell me," I whispered, kneeling down in front of him on the ground to get us at eye level. I grabbed his hands, holding them in mine while stroking with my thumbs over his knuckles. "I don't know anymore, Logan. Tell me what you need and I'll give it to you."

"I just want you," He whispered back. "Don't die. Don't ever leave me. I don't want to lose you when I just have you back."

And that was exactly what I couldn't give to him.

I felt a tear leave my eyes at the hurt it caused, because never before have I not been able to give him exactly what I wanted. For the first time I failed, as a husband, as a lover, as a friend. It hurt even more when I saw Logan's shoulders shaking again, tears leaving his eyes as well when he realized I couldn't promise him this.

Logan was too good for me. He deserved someone better, a person that could promise to stay with him. I was about to get up and leave, go search for someone better to take care of my little Logie, someone worthy enough, when I felt his slender arms slide around my neck and his head coming to rest on my shoulder. "I l-love y-you," He choked out and held onto me almost like he was cradling me, as if he felt like he should make me feel better instead of the other way around. Oh, Logan...

I put my arm around his shoulders and hugged him back, inhaling his perfect scent. 'It'll be fine,' I thought as I ran my fingers through his hair. 'I'm going to give Logan exactly what he wants and make him happier than he's ever been.'

"I'm going downstairs to send everyone home," I told Logan quietly. "Stay here, I'll be back in a little while and I'm going to hold you for the rest of the night."

Logan nodded, more tears spilling from his eyes as he watched me walk away, something I knew because I didn't possess the strength to look away from him. He needed me. I saw it in his eyes and felt it in every cell of my body; I had to go back there and make him feel better, for real this time. I had to find a way to insure him I was going to be okay and there was nothing to be afraid of. Not that he would believe me.

I had wanted to take Kegan with me in our bed tonight, to make sure he wasn't getting sicker, but as it looked now it was just going to be me and Logan. Which would probably be better for my little husband, pregnant and emotional and unhappy. God, I needed to hurry this, get everyone out of my house, put Keira to bed, check up on Kegan and then go back to my sweetie and hold him closely. I didn't care it was just 8 at night. He needed this. Logan needed this. I was going to give it to him.

I had no idea how I did it, but twenty minutes later I got everyone to go home and leave us alone. It was kind of an abrupt ending of this evening, but I really didn't care. I would see James and Carlos again tomorrow and if either mom or Katie wanted to talk to me they could call me or stop by anytime. Just not now, I first wanted to settle things with Logan, hopefully get him to be a little less insecure and make him accept that there was a really high chance I was actually going to survive this. I couldn't do that with my whole family around.

I had just put Keira into bed and went downstairs to get Kegan and get him in his bed too. He had still been sleeping on the couch when I went upstairs to get Keira ready, but he was awake now and reached out for me the moment he saw me. "Hey, Kegie," I said softly and picked him up. "Are you a little better?"

He shook his little head. "It hurts, papa," He whispered. His voice sounded awfully raw and dry.

"I know, baby, but you'll feel better soon enough. Daddy's a doctor, he knows that stuff."

"I'm thirsty," He told me, his arms wrapping around my neck.

"You want some cold water then? With ice in it?"

He nodded eagerly and I fixed him some water with ice in a Sippy cup so he could take it with him to bed. Hopefully it would help him sleep tonight. He was lazily sucking on it as I carried him up the stairs and into his room. Kegan didn't realize I was going to make him sleep here until I put him down in his bed and pressed a kiss to his forehead like I did every night. "But I w-wanna sleep with you in the big bed," He whispered. His bottom lip was trembling and his big, brown eyes filled with tears. Damn eyes. It was Logan's fault I couldn't resist my son right now.

Logan was going to hate me when I brought Kegan to our room when I'd promised him we would be alone tonight.

But I couldn't leave Kegan here when he was sick.

A minute later, I carried Kegan into our room and felt so torn when I saw Logan's teary eyes growing sadder. He'd been looking forward to the prospect of being alone with each other for a night, but I'd ruined it by taking Kegan with me. But how was I supposed to choose between my ill son that wanted some of his parents' love and affection and my scared husband who was fearing for my life and wanted to get as much time with me as possible? I couldn't. So I chose Kegan, because children came first. Even when Logan was involved.

I put Kegan down on the bed and he instantly crawled to Logan, wrapping his little arms around Logan's neck. I got in too, spotting the hurt in Logan's eyes. "I'm sorry, Logie," I whispered. "As soon as he's better we'll spend some time together. I promise."

He reached out, his smaller hand taking a hold on my wrist to pull me closer. Logan curled into me the moment he could, hiding his face in my chest. Kegan was squeezed between us, but he obviously didn't mind it since his breathing evened out quickly and he fell asleep. It wasn't long until I felt his tears dripping on my chest. "I love you, Logie," I said quietly. "Don't cry, baby. Please, don't."

"Will y-you t-tell me something?" Logan asked, his voice thick with tears.

"Anything."

"H-how did y-you feel on o-our first d-date?"

I was quiet for a moment. "Why?"

"Because I w-want t-to listen to y-your voice and I want to h-hear y-you s-say you l-l-love m-me," He whispered, never looking up to see my face. Maybe because he was scared, or maybe because he didn't want to face me, but if he'd done it, he would only have seen the tears he caused to form in my eyes and the pure love I felt for him.

So I told him everything he wanted to know, how I remembered that day. What I felt and thought on certain moments, the things that made me smile or laugh. The things he said that melted my heart. I also told him what I thought now, how we were both so young and I often remembered silly things I said that were completely ridiculous, and other things were I knew exactly what I was talking about. Things like my love for a Logan and that it was unconditional, unbreakable and forever.

It took a long time before Logan heard me say the word love enough to stop crying, and even longer until his arms around me relaxed and his breathing evened out, indicating he was asleep. With both my scared husband and ill son looking so peaceful and calm, I felt better as well. I didn't want to see the fear in Logan's eyes or the way Kegan coughed so painfully he almost started crying. They both had to smile and be happy again.

I was sure that Kegan would be fine soon enough, Logan had said so, but that didn't mean it didn't make me feel bad to see him like this. Logan was a whole different story, as he probably wouldn't be happy until he was absolutely sure I was going to stay alive. Which would take until after the surgery, when we knew if I was cancer free or not. It would take even longer if you counted the years after that, because in the first five years I had a higher chance of the cancer coming back. But I wasn't going to allow Logan to stay worried for that long.

And I fell into sleeplessness again. Apparently I hadn't reached my breaking point just yet. It wouldn't take long though, before I was too exhausted to even move. I was going to need Logan then, to look after me for once, like the doctor had explained today, but I wondered if he'd be able to. He was pregnant, going into the fifth month with a considerable bump in his stomach and had two small children to look after. And me.

I slowly turned onto my back. Kegan had clamped himself to my waist and turned with me, sliding off the other side of my stomach and then curled up with his back pressed in my side. Logan automatically moved closer and rested his head on my chest, his arm moving over my middle until his hand was resting on Kegan's shoulder.

I closed my eyes and focused on the two persons sleeping on either side of me. At least they were okay. And Keira too, she was still doing good. And baby Kendall, or Kenzie since we knew she was a girl now, she was fine too. I could be happy with that. Even James and Carlos made up today and they were doing great. My family was okay.

But there was this little piece of me that feared for my own life like Logan did. I didn't want to leave them yet. Not so soon. I wasn't ready to face death and leave my family. I wanted to stay with them and watch all three my children grow up and then grow old with my Logie until neither of us could walk anymore and the only physical contact we had was through handholding, but that was alright because we had a whole life behind us and we were ready to move on.

A few tears escaped my eyes when I realized how scared I was. That it wasn't just Logan and my mother and sister and two friends fearing for my life, but I was, too. I was glad Logan had asked for some time alone with me, that he had realized how much he needed that. And how much I needed that as well. I wouldn't lie to him them. I would tell him I was scared as well and that I didn't know what to do anymore to make this turn out alright.

Because for once, I was out of plans. Something beyond my power would be deciding over my life now and there was nothing I could do about it. I just had to hope and pray and have faith that I would stay right here with my loved ones, that the doctor would perform my surgery well and I wouldn't die.

Just keep hope.

No one realized just how hard that was.

This is by far the worst chapter I've ever written. It doesn't flow, it doesn't make sense, feelings are all over the place, there's no construction, it's boring, it probably was a pain to read and I don't blame you if you didn't read it at all. I'll try to make the next chapter worth your while...