So it's been over a year. I won't go into detail and I won't give explanations. Just... sorry for the long wait. Go and read it. Longer notes at the end of the chapter.
Disclaimer: I don't own DGM, nor do I make any profit from this.
Warnings: Not really, no.
Chapter 21
Where To Begin?
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XxX
x
"So you've got the files coming?" Lenalee asked, putting her cell phone back into the small purse she had bought to replace the item-eating one (which most likely had a miniature wormhole inside it), before glancing at her friend and colleague. Lavi had his arm heavily bandaged and held against his chest by a sling, but otherwise there was little to indicate he'd been in a shooting incident barely two days ago.
"They came yesterday. I thought you knew", the red head said, his voice slightly surprised.
"No, I didn't", Lenalee said, frowning as she continued. "I've been dealing with the bureaucracy and the mess Leverrier created. I still don't know how he managed to deny our authorization without us getting any word of it", she continued tersely, her lips thinning as irritation and anger at the man who'd nearly killed Kanda swept over her.
Next to her, Lavi shrugged his uninjured shoulder. "I don't think that's our biggest problem", he said stepping ahead of her to push open the door to the long term ward. "If Leverrier got all our authorizations frozen, there's no way we can get Mikk convicted. And I don't want to think what that means to the kid."
Lenalee frowned harder. Sometimes she really wished she could get away with murder. "Well, he's going to the witness protection program anyway. It's not as though Mikk works alone. This is bigger than a simple human trafficking ring."
"Yeah", Lavi muttered with an uncharacteristic grimness. "Way bigger. I just hope that we can protect him."
They turned to another blue-white corridor and continued in silence until they'd passed a small group of nurses gathered around a vending machine. The prostitute boy had been placed in a secluded section of the hospital, next to the personnel's rooms, so as to keep him better guarded. Only the staff – and now the police – came here, which made it easier to monitor people's comings and goings and notice if something or someone was out of place. She could only hope it was enough to protect the boy from Mikk.
But she'd digressed.
"You said the files came in already?" Lenalee asked once they were alone again, steering the conversation back on topic. Next to her Lavi hummed an affirmative, reaching up to scratch the edge of the bandage.
"Yeah. There was quite a bit more stuff than I was expecting", he said with a small shake of his head. "That kid really hasn't had it easy."
Lenalee glanced at the red head in mild surprise. "What do you mean by that?" she asked. Kanda had made it sound like the kid had been taken into prostitution when he was hardly a teenager. At that age very few people had any sort of police records, and most of the things that warranted a notion in such files… Her shoulders tensed and lips paled as she pressed them together.
Lavi threw a glance at her, hearing the strained note, and shrugged his good shoulder almost apologetically. "Well, it seems like he was found alone in London at the age of four by some good-hearted civilian, who took him to the authorities. From the looks of it, he'd been living in the streets for quite some time", the red head explained, and Lenalee felt something tightening around her chest. "Child abuse was suspected, but his parents were never found so it was dropped. The kid got adopted quickly, though. By the guy who found him, actually. Seems like there's still some good people out there", Lavi gave a humorless laugh.
Lenalee didn't say anything, flashes of old memories flickering through her head. Swiftly, routinely, she squashed the faintly fluttering hope that never failed to reawaken with even the most unlikely possibility – and all the possibilities were improbable to the extreme – and pressed her lips together.
'He's dead', she thought, like she always did when this sort of situation arose.
Lavi either didn't notice the change in her mood or chose not to comment on it, his half-slouched posture staying the same as he continued. "It doesn't end there, though. Just before he disappeared – abducted, I'd reckon, albeit we haven't yet asked him for the details – anyway, the kid was assaulted."
Lenalee's hold on her purse tightened and Lavi shrugged his good shoulder again. "Apparently, he was on his way to home from school, cutting through some rundown park, when some drunkard – didn't read him up yet – attacked him with a knife. There weren't any serious injuries, although it was a close call. If the man had been a little closer, he would've taken an eye", the redhead explained, stopping next to an inconspicuous, white door and reaching for the handle. Not having realized where they were, Lenalee barely avoided walking into him. As it was, she stopped short few inches from collision, heart bounding a little too hard.
"Apparently the guy was so drunk that the kid managed to get away from him after the first strike", Lavi continued without a pause as he pushed the door open and stepped inside. Distractedly, Lenalee noted the room was some kind of laboratory. "Two months later he left for school and never came back. Gone without a trace, as they say."
'He's dead', she repeated in her head but this time it was feeble and filled with doubt. It couldn't be – or could it?
"Lavi?" she said as she followed him to the door on the other side of the room, barely noticing the police officer sitting next to it in guard. Her voice sounded dazed in her own ears. "What was his name? I don't think you said that."
"His name?" the redhead repeated, throwing a look over his shoulder. There was a faint frown on his face, as though he'd finally caught on that there was something off with her. Lenalee paid it no mind, simply staring back at him. Her heart seemed to have relocated to her throat.
"Yes. What was it?"
Lavi turned to face the door and reached with his good hand to open it. "Walker", he said, and Lenalee wouldn't have been able to describe how she felt hearing that single word even if her life had depended on it. "Allen Walker."
XxX
Allen didn't know what to feel. Everything was just one big, incoherent mess of questions and feelings he couldn't untangle, his thoughts repeating themselves over and over again in his head.
Mana was dead.
He was free.
Kanda was working for the police.
(Or well, something called the C.H.U.R.C.H. which had supposedly something to do with CIA and sounded like it was taken from a bad action movie.)
It was over.
They were going to sue Tyki.
They wanted him to witness.
Kanda was going to witness, too.
He wasn't property anymore.
Mana had died two years after his disappearance. On Christmas.
He was free.
Lenalee was here.
It was the last one which felt the most tangible, most likely since not two hours ago Lenalee – dear, sweet Lenelee who Allen could hardly recognize anymore – had burst into the room, taken one look at him and promptly thrown herself onto him, sobbing and yelling at the top of her lungs. She'd only stopped when Kanda had finally lost his temper and told her to shut it before the whole hospital came to see what the hell the ruckus was about, and they would have to move somewhere else.
After that she'd sat on a chair next to his bed, holding his hand and talking with a quiet, almost strained voice for nearly an hour. At first Allen had barely been able to concentrate on her words, too focused on her fingers, which seemed to burn his hand where she touched him, too delicate and clean to bear upon his scar littered skin. Lenalee, however, had just kept going, relief colored words spilling from her lips, and eventually he'd unwound enough to actually listen.
She talked about what had happened after he disappeared, about how they'd kept looking for him even when the police had quit – about how it had all been in vain and they had never been able to find any trace of him, not a single lead, nothing. She told him how it had pushed her to the police force and then forward, until her own private war against kidnappers and human traffickers had brought her to the C.H.U.R.C.H. – and although she did not use those words, that was what it was, Allen knew.
He wasn't sure how he felt about her going that far just because of him.
However, like all nice things usually did, her mindless chatter about everything and nothing came to a screeching halt when Allen asked the one question that had flared up in his mind the moment he realized that she was there.
Mana.
Mana who was dead.
Lenalee had cried, a little, and been so sorry. And Allen had sat silently as she'd told him how Mana had slowly lost health with every day he'd remained missing, until his heart had given away.
She would probably still be there if it wasn't for Kanda practically throwing her out. Or well, telling Lenalee that they had a doctor coming to do checkups and Lavi needed to explain the specifics of the situation. Not true, but then again, Allen hadn't called him up on it.
In all honesty, he'd been just so relieved to have her stop.
Although Lenalee hadn't seemed to notice the lie, Lavi had glanced at Kanda once, curiously, before throwing a laid-back grin at Allen. The red head had explained what had been going on ever since he'd arrived at Kanda's doorstep all those weeks ago, patching up all the blank spots that the Japanese man's version had left behind.
It still felt unreal.
So now he was lying on his hospital bed, staring at the opposite wall and turning everything over in his head. Uselessly, it seemed. He could hardly believe he'd somehow ended up in an experimental covert operation to expose a human trafficking ring, much less wrap his mind around the fact he was free. And Mana – Mana just felt like the kind of nightmare you never woke up from.
Allen wished he'd just cry. Maybe then the hollow pressure inside of him would ease, at least a little.
"Oi, Moyashi."
Kanda's voice was like shattering class in the silence, abrupt and jarring. Allen closed his eyes.
"I have a name, you know", he said, quietly.
There was a pause, just a bit too long, and then he could hear the rustle of sheets as Kanda shifted on his own nondescript hospital bed. "Allen", came the man's voice again, and although having Kanda really use his name was anything but expected to say the least, a greater surprise still was the fact that he actually sounded… uncertain.
Blinking, Allen turned to look at his ex-owner.
Kanda was sitting with his back ramrod straight against the headboard, knees slightly bent under the covers and hands resting in his lap. Every line in his body screamed tension, and instead of facing Allen, he was staring doggedly ahead.
The silence stretched on.
"Kanda?" Allen finally asked after a good few minutes had passed without another word from the man. "What is it?"
Kanda's head jerked to the side sharply, and with a faint frown Allen watched as his fingers curled around the edge of the sheet, fisting it tightly in his hands. "I…", he started haltingly, voice oddly strained. "…don't suppose… that it really matters to you", Kanda finally said, and Allen got the impression that wasn't what he'd been going to say at first. "But…"
"But?" he prompted when it seemed like the man was about to lapse into silence again. However, instead of continuing Kanda closed his eyes, lips pressed tightly together, and visibly seemed to collect himself.
Starting to feel worried, Allen turned to face the man more fully.
"It's a matter of pride to me", Kanda eventually said, opening his eyes, though still not meeting Allen's. "Pride and honor. I'm not some innocent, law-abiding philanthropist, though", he went on, scoffing. "I've done my share of crimes, so don't get me wrong. I can beat up a guy within an inch of his life and feel nothing for him. But…"
Kanda halted his speech again, not quite hesitating yet not entirely sure of himself either, and in the lull of silence that followed, Allen suddenly realized that he wasn't scared anymore. In the past – heck, barely a week ago – hearing his owner – his owner! – admit to having no qualms about beating someone half to death would have been enough to freeze him with fear, or at the very least, throw him into a bout of utter subservience for the next fortnight. Now, though, Kanda's words didn't even make him nervous. There was only the growing concern over the man's unusual mien and faint curiosity about what could be important enough for him to make him talk through his obvious reluctance.
'He won't hurt me', Allen thought, startled at his own certainty. Sure, Kanda had never truly hurt him; as far as physical discipline went, the worst he'd ever done was their few so-called sparring matches and Allen had only ever received a couple of bruises from them. Even the psychological games – if they could even be called that – which Kanda had had to initiate in an attempt to get him to talk, hadn't actually caused him any real damage, although he hadn't enjoyed them. Yet – that shouldn't have been anywhere near enough to make him trust Kanda.
And Allen did trust him. Not unconditionally, but still more than he'd trusted anyone else since the day he'd walked into a side alley to help a girl free his dog from a barbed fence and found out the hard way that people did get kidnapped in board daylight.
More than anyone since Mana.
"There are some things -", Kanda's voice broke the silence, drawing Allen out of his thoughts. "- that are… wrong. What I did to you – it's despicable", he said, and even through the carefully blank tone the traces of self-loathing were more than clear. Half in shock, Allen could do nothing but stare at the man dumbly.
"I am not asking you to… forgive", Kanda continued, his shoulders as rigid as his voice. "I don't have the right to. But… damn it all to hell, whatever's left of my honor demands this, and anyway, it's what you deserve."
Stunned, Allen stared as Kanda swung his legs over the edge of the bed, obviously trying not to wince as the movement jarred his half-healed wounds, and then bent forward, hands on his knees in an awkward sitting bow. Mentally grasping for the straws, Allen opened his mouth to say something, anything, only to find his voice missing. Before he had the time to get his bearings, Kanda was talking again.
"For whatever pain or discomfort I've caused, for disgracing and shaming you, I apologize", he intoned, and the formality of his speech threw Allen for a loop all anew. This just wasn't something Kanda did. "I doubt it matters much, but it did not bring me any joy to do what I did. It's not an excuse –"
"No!" he snapped out suddenly, sharply, surprising himself as much as Kanda. His heart – or maybe it was his stomach – had climbed up his throat and there was a sickening tug just below his navel, screaming at him that this was wrong, somehow. Weight on his shoulders, pressure against his lungs – Allen couldn't listen to this. "No, Kanda, stop", he breathed out, almost soft compared to the outburst mere seconds ago. "Stop."
Trying to pull his scattered thoughts together, he pushed up until he was sitting properly instead of just being propped up against the pillows. Kanda hadn't moved, and Allen craned his neck to catch the man's gaze. "Don't. There's nothing to apologize for", he said, trying to read the emotions in the dark eyes staring back at him. "You don't… You've been kind to me, Kanda. You have", he repeated at the almost incredulous look Kanda cast his way. "So don't apologize. And please, lay down before you manage to open your wounds!"
The last part was delivered with a borderline hysterical snort of laughter Allen wasn't quite quick enough to repress. A frown etched itself onto Kanda's face as he straightened up from the half-bow, his nearly black eyes suddenly boring into Allen with intensity that had him turning away swiftly.
He was such a mess.
"Really, Kanda", Allen managed, his heart playing yo-yo between his ribcage and throat. He was supposed to hate the man, he knew that, and maybe there was a part of him that did – but mostly, he just wanted… "There's really no need for… this."
"Che…" Kanda snorted, closing his eyes. "What I've done to you, isn't called kindness, baka Moyashi."
Allen curled his fingers in the sheets, head lowered. "What you've done to me -", he repeated Kanda's words, voice steady "- you've done to help me. Indirectly or not. And you did not make it unpleasant to me."
'It's not you who should be apologizing, but me who should be thanking.'
"Oh, for fuck's sake", Kanda growled out, jerking his head in frustration. "I forced you to have sex with me! You're what? Fifteen? I'm twenty-one. That isn't helping, it's goddamn pedophilia!"
There was disgust and self-hatred and something that sounded like pity in the words, and Allen fisted the fabric between his fingers tighter. "You never… hurt me", he said, not looking at Kanda. "And I'm eighteen. Besides it was your job, so –"
"Doesn't make it right!" Kanda snapped. "I used you and you had no choice but to go along with it! Goddamn –"
He kept talking, but Allen didn't hear anymore.
I used you. I used you. I used you…
Something snapped.
"So I was just going along with it that last time?" he retorted, cutting Kanda off. He was angry, he was hurt, and he couldn't just let that damn BaKanda think that he was… he was… "Did it really seem like that to you?"
"Just because I didn't physically manhandle you, doesn't mean you had any choice!" Kanda snapped, not missing a beat.
"I started it!" Allen threw back, voice rising. "I didn't have to, I could've kept silent, but I started it! That's not exactly forcing!"
"For fuck's sake, you've been a prostitute since you were twelve!" Kanda yelled. "You did things because you thought there was a chance that I might have hurt you if you didn't! That's the only -!"
"I'm not weak!"
Silence. Kanda's eyes were dark and startled, and Allen felt his hands trembling. Shakily, he drew in a breath.
"I'm not weak", he repeated, all ire gone as suddenly as it had come. "I can… I don't… I did that because I wanted to, not because I was afraid. Just don't… don't take that from me."
"You… wanted…?"
Allen's silence was as good as an answer. With a quiet snort Kanda looked away and closed his eyes.
"You're an idiot."
I know, Allen almost said. Instead, he fixed his eyes to the white wall and thought of Mana who was dead, Lenalee whom he didn't know anymore, and himself, lost under survival for so long he didn't think he could ever again truly be the person - the boy – he used to be. And maybe he didn't really want to, because that boy was nothing without Mana and all that Mana was, was numb emptiness waiting inside.
"Lavi said –", Allen started again, "- that I'd be put into the witness protection program. Can it…? Do you think it'll be enough to keep Tyki from finding me?"
He didn't look at Kanda as the man shifted to lay back down on the bed, not sure if he really even wanted the answer. The rustling of sheets stopped and for a long moment there was nothing but silence between them.
"Hell if I know."
Mana was dead.
And Allen was free.
XxX
"- should be in order. Oh and we finally managed to identify the woman who was sent to the apartment. Shot the camera there, did I tell you that already? Anyway, her name's Lulu Bell. Born in Canada, no recorded relatives. We're thinking that she's the one who shot Suman and Toma, but there's no evidence. Anyway, do you recognize the name, Allen?"
Lavi looked hopefully at the pale boy sitting on the other couch and had to stifle a sigh when he shook his head.
"Sorry, no."
"You sure? Tall, long blonde hair, pretty?"
Lavi ignored Kanda's snort as he watched Allen carefully for any signs of recognition. Nothing showed on his face and after a moment of thinking the boy shook his head again. "No. There were never that many women around and most of them were Asian, I think."
Well, damn. "She'll walk free, then. Nothing we can do about it."
"Che."
"I'm sorry."
"Do-"
"Not your fault."
Lavi blinked, closing his mouth, and shot Kanda a curious look. This got to be the first time he ever heard Kanda attempting to console anyone.
Not that Allen looked very convinced.
"Kanda's right, you know", he said. "It's not your fault. For all we know, she didn't even work with Mikk when… you were with him. Don't worry about it." Lavi dished out his best supportive smile and hoped against hope that Allen hadn't noticed the slight hesitation between his words. To his relief, it seemed like he hadn't.
From the sharp glare sent his way, though, it was apparent that Kanda had.
Interesting.
"Well, anyway. Here are all the papers you need to read", Lavi moved on with the conversation, snatching up a folder from the mess of papers spread on the coffee table and handing it over to Allen. "There's your new identity and all the relevant information you need to know beforehand. Name, age, brief history, some general instructions on how to keep your story together – those kinds of things."
Allen took the folder and opened it as though expecting it to turn into something poisonous. Shooting a half-amused, half-sympathetic glance at him, Lavi fished another folder from the table. Not looking up, he chucked it at Kanda, who caught it with one hand.
"What's this?"
"The best we could do. Read it."
He's not going to like it…
Lavi bit back a grin.
"Neal Murray?"
Startled from his thoughts by the quiet question, Lavi turned to look at Allen who was staring blankly at the first document in his folder. Next to the ostentatious fireplace Kanda stilled.
"Yeah, that's your new name", Lavi confirmed, not quite certain what the matter was. "Your father was from Northern Ireland, hence the name, while your mother was American. They met in London, got married and then your mother died in childbirth. You and your father moved to the States when you were ten."
Blinking, Allen looked up at him. "But… why? Isn't it… too complicated?"
"Well, you see", Lavi started, raising his uninjured hand to scratch his cheek. "It's easier to hide you if you've got the citizenship of the States since your birth. Less paper trail and so on. So we gave you an American mother. It'd be best if you didn't have any relations to other countries on paper, but unfortunately for us, you still talk like a Brit. So you had to come from England. The Irish father is just because of some freaky loophole in the bureaucracy that makes it easier to set up false identities. You'd need to ask Johnny about that."
"Oh, alright."
Allen fell silent again, and Lavi took up a stack of papers to fiddle with as he made a mental note to get Gramps to arrange a psychological examination for Allen as soon as there was time – and with someone they could trust. However, what really interested him was Kanda. It was almost as if his friend actually cared about the boy on a personal level, which in and off itself was all around a mind-boggling thought. To think that Yuu Kanda -
"What the hell?!"
And oh, yeah. He'd totally forgotten about that.
"Usagi!"
Lavi grinned. Riling Kanda up just never got old. "Well, obviously you're going to need to get off the radar too, Yuu-chan! We wouldn't want Mikk going after you either!"
"Don't call me that!"
His grin widened. "Right, sorry. Yukio-chan!"
"Shut up! That's not my goddamn name!"
"Actually, it is. And I've got all the papers to prove it!"
"Fuck you! Who chose the name?! Who the hell was it?! I swear if you had anything to do with this, I'll skewer you with Mugen!"
Seeing that Kanda was already reaching for his beloved sword – slung over his back in a simple scabbard – Lavi decided it was time to ward off the oncoming violence. He'd had his fun – for now.
"It was Tiedoll", he said and when Kanda's hand froze, quickly added: "Lenalee thought we should let him choose from the final list, him being your dad and all."
Although Kanda's scowl didn't abate in the least, he at least refrained from drawing Mugen and starting a rampage. Lavi counted that as a definite success. It wasn't everyday that he managed to thwart an oncoming assault with just a few words, even if they did include "Lenalee" and "Tiedoll".
"Um… what?" Allen asked.
"Well -", Lavi started, trying not to grin like the Cheshire cat, "- the thing is, Kanda's going to need a new life too. There's no doubt that Mikk will go after him, since in addition to owning you, Kanda also worked for the police. Mikk will want to secure all loose ends."
Allen blinked at that and looked horribly guilty all of a sudden. "I… I didn't… realize…" he said haltingly, probably thinking it was his fault that Kanda's life was going to be rebooted. Lavi wanted to grimace. Truth be told, forcing Kanda to cut all ties with his past was just about the best thing that could happen to him, even if it made contact between him and his family more than difficult. The problem was, how the hell was Lavi supposed to get the kid to believe that?
"Wipe that damn look off your face. It's not like I have anything I can't leave behind."
…and it seemed like he didn't even have to. Again. Well, wasn't this meeting full of surprises.
"But…" Allen stared at Kanda in apparent confusion, hesitating. "What about… your father? Tiedoll?"
"All the better if I can get rid off the geezer", Kanda snorted in reply, rolling his eyes. Lavi felt like mimicking him. The sky could be falling down on them and Kanda still wouldn't admit to caring about his adoptive father.
"You -" Allen started, a look of shocked outrage spreading on his face. "You – how can you say something like that? He's your father! Your father! You would just – just –", he sputtered, hands jerking angrily, and Lavi felt his eyebrows climbing up. The kid had just pulled a total one-eighty in a matter of seconds. With his latest owner. Just what the hell was going on between these two?
"It's not like he's actually my father or anything", Kanda retorted, scowling at Allen who didn't seem at all fazed with the irritated glower directed at him. "Just an idiot who picks up strays and good-for-nothings, thinking he can 'make the world a better place' or some shit like that. I don't give a damn."
That what you think about yourself, Kanda?
Lavi didn't actually say it – would never say it – but he damn as hell wished he could've. He'd known there were a lot of things Kanda didn't like about himself, but to say that – no matter how indirectly – about himself? It almost made Lavi regret bringing up his name when they were planning the operation. Almost.
He had a feeling about this, though…
Allen, however, seemed to have missed the point.
"So he took you in and this is how you repay him?" he demanded indignantly, the papers in his hands crinkling as his grip tightened on them. "You're the most ungrateful, arrogant -!"
"Okay, okay!" Lavi interrupted the tirade, hands held up placatingly. He seriously didn't need this to spiral into a shouting match. "Let's not start a fight, alright? I'm sure Kanda didn't mean it quite like that."
"Yeah, I did."
"You-!"
Lavi breathed heavily and as he raised his voice to cut off the quarrel, cursed Leverrier and their current lack of budget. How the hell was he supposed to tell these two that they were going to be living together from now on?
x
XxX
x
So that was the last chapter. Only the epilogue to go. Let's hope it won't take another year.
At this point, I feel the need to say a few things about this chapter and the story in general. First of all, the scene with Allen and Kanda in the hospital? I realize many may feel that Kanda is acting out of character - which he might very well be doing - but in my opinion, it's justified. Throughout the story I've tried to emphasize the fact that Kanda does not like what he has to do to Allen. He's not a person with very high morals, in fact he's a bordel line criminal, but he does have a sense of honor and there are some things that he thinks are just plain wrong, no matter the situation. Sexually abusing children is one of them. (And let's face it guys, that's exactly what he does, even if it's to ultimate help Allen.)
Also, it never actually comes clear from the story itself (I think), but in my mind, Kanda was born in Japan and lived his early childhood there, before Tiedoll at some point adopted him. Hence his honor and the sort of a moral code thing that floats just out of sight.
This chapter clears up the most important part of Allen's past, and that will be it. I'm not going to give a more detailed story, because frankly it's not important. He switched owners five/six times or something like that, and really the only ones relevant to the story are Tyki and Cross. Cross not so much, except for the fact that he's a bit bizarre and never actually had sex with Allen. (I think it's mentioned in the story itself somewhere in the earlier chapters.)
On another note, if some of my readers actually care about the plot (What are you doing reading this monster?), I realize there are several plot holes the size of a skyscraper or two in this story. Most of this is unrealistic or otherwise portrayed in such a way. I know that. It's part of the reason why this last chapter took so long. If I ever have the energy, I will do at least a cursory rewrite to smooth things out. Don't hold your breath, though.
But anyway, if you have any questions or want to point out some so outrageous mistake/plothole that it simply can't be left alone, just put them in the comments. I'll see what I can do to explain/fix/do something about it.
And that's all, I think.