A/N: Thanks for the reviews. They are decreasing a bit lately, so please review. I'm starting to feel like nobody likes it anymore. Thanks to all of those who do review though, it means so much. I hope you like the chapter. Sorry for the wait.
I do not own OTH or it's characters. The song in this chapter is "Feeling a Moment" by Feeder.
Turning to
face what you've become,
Buried the ashes of someone
Broken by
the strain
Trying to fill that space inside
Am I just like
you?
All the things you do - can't help myself
How do you feel
when there's no sun?
And how will you be when rain clouds come and
pull you down again?
How will you feel when there's no one?
Am
I just like you?
All the things you do
Don't ever feel that
you're alone
I'll never let you down, I'll never leave you
dry
Don't fall apart, don't let it go
Carry the notion, carry
the notion back to me, to me...
Nathan, Haley, and little Natalie arrived at the airport. Haley was still extremely upset. Nathan held Natalie in one arm and had his other hand around Haley's waist. They took a taxi to their hotel and unpacked.
"I really don't want to do this," Haley quietly spoke.
"Nobody ever wants to do something like this. We're going to get through it though okay?"
"I know, it's just really hard. You never expect someone to die at like thirty you know?"
"I know."
"It scares me Nathan. It could have been any of us. We could have been the thirty year old in that car."
"I know, I know," Nathan said pulling her into a hug. He was at a loss for words these days. He wanted to soothe her, but he didn't know how. He felt guilty and awful for not being able to fix her; to make her know that everything was going to be okay.
Haley pulled away and walked into the bathroom. She couldn't be too close to Nathan right now. She wanted to, she really did, but at the same time she needed space.
"I got to…um…change. The wake starts in two hours," Haley said meekly.
"Yeah, I'll go get Natalie ready."
Nathan went to the suitcases to find the black skirt and gray shirt that Haley packed for Natalie.
"Hey Natalie I have your clothes, you have to change okay?"
"Do I really have to wear black?" she whined.
"Yeah, it shows that you're going to miss your dad a lot."
"Oh, okay, well I guess I could wear black then. Are you wearing black too?"
"Yes, I am."
"Are lots of peoples going to be crying?"
"Yeah, probably. They just all miss your daddy."
"Are you going to cry?"
"I have to be strong for your mom."
"Is she ever going to be not sad?"
"Yeah, it's just going to take some time. Just let her know you love her and stuff."
"Okay, you got it."
Haley walked out of the bathroom in a black dress and black heels. She looked stunning, despite the sadness in her eyes.
"I love you mommy," Natalie chimed.
"I love you too Nat Nat," Haley said hugging her daughter.
"I'm going to go change," Nathan said. When he walked behind Haley he gave Natalie thumbs up. She smiled in agreement.
The wake and the funeral all seemed to blend together for Haley. It was all a bunch of people she didn't know. She cried a lot but she really didn't know why anymore. There was nothing she could do to bring him back. She didn't know if she did it out of regret for not saying good-bye, or if she truly felt like she needed him to be there for their daughter. She would miss him, which was one thing that was true. Matt's family sympathized with her. She could tell they didn't care for her though. They gave her cold, empty looks. Their hugs were meaningless. She didn't blame them for disliking her. However, it was a funeral, it was a time for everyone to come together to mourn a life. It wasn't a time to snub another person.
Nathan stood by Haley's side whenever she needed him near. Mostly, he took care of Natalie. She was full of questions and Nathan it was better that he answer them than an over emotional Haley. He noticed the looks he was getting from several people. He though maybe it was inappropriate for him to be there. But at the same time, Nathan was Matt's friend. Although they may have had a falling out there was still a friendship. They shared high school stories, went to games together, and enjoyed countless outings in New York City.
"Haley can I speak with you for a moment?" Matt's mother asked.
"Yes, of course."
"You and Natalie have been given fifty percent of all of Matt's belongings and money. I have a lawyer that can explain everything to you better."
"I really don't have to take the money. You can donate it to charity or keep it or something. It's not really my place to have it."
"You technically were not divorced. Anyway, Matt would want to know that his daughter was taken care of. Besides, even though your relationship had ended with him, he still would want to make sure you have everything that you need."
"Well, thank you Mrs. McGord. I'm so sorry about everything."
"Me too Haley."
"Are you holding up okay? Do you need anything?"
"I guess I'm the best I could be in a situation like this. It's hard, but I'm taking it day by day."
"Yeah, I understand."
"How about you Haley? How are you doing?"
"Taking it day by day I guess."
"I don't want to make things harder or anything, but Matt left a letter in the house. He was going to give it to you when the final divorce paper went through," the woman said softly. She pulled out a letter and handed it to Haley. Haley's hands were shaking.
"Thank you," Haley said teary eyed.
Mrs. McGord pulled Haley into a hug and rubbed her back.
"Well I guess this is good-bye for now. I'll call you sometime so you can see Natalie. I'm so sorry again, about everything."
Haley turned to walk away.
"Haley…"
"Yeah," she said spinning around.
"I don't blame you for any of this. I don't think you're an awful person. I know Matt worked a lot. I know because I've been in your situation before. Don't beat yourself up over this okay? And don't tell me you don't feel guilty, because I can see the look in your eye."
Haley went up to the woman and cried onto her shoulder. She rubbed her back.
"It means a lot. Bye thank you," Haley chocked out. She kissed the woman's cheek and went to get Nathan and Natalie. It was time for them to get back to the hotel room. Tomorrow they would be heading home.
Haley kept the letter in her pocket. She was going to read it when they got home. She couldn't handle too much more right now. Everything was happening so fast, and yet each hour seemed to last days.
When they arrived back home Haley immediately walked into the guest bedroom. She plopped on the bed and took out the letter.
Dear Haley,
I just want you to know that I don't blame you for the divorce. I wish I could take back all of the horrible things I said about you. I need you to know that I didn't mean a single one. You are a great person and you deserve happiness. I couldn't pick a better guy than Nathan to take care of you. Hell, if I were to die tomorrow I would hand pick him as the guy for you. It pains me to admit that, but it's true. I knew that when you spoke of the guy that you were still in love with him. I guess the heart wants what it wants. I can't be angry at you for going after someone you love. It's what we all want in life; true love. I want to say I'm sorry. I should have spent more time with you and our daughter instead of working. It wasn't fair to leave the two of you alone. Haley, you deserve a family. You deserve to have all the kids that you want and you deserve to travel the world. I guess I'm just sorry for holding our family back. If I could re-do it all, I would have made more time for us. Just know that I don't for a second regret being with you. It was a great run while it lasted. You made me happy, and most importantly, upon leaving me you've helped me find myself. I love you Haley, always know that. I hope you have a happy life. No regrets, no grudges, just thanks.
Love,
Matthew
Haley couldn't help but cry as she read the letter. She read the sentence about picking Nathan if he died over and over again. It was like fate or something. It was ironic for sure. It broke her heart to know how graceful he was. He was so mature and forgiving. It was a shame that he couldn't make another girl in the world happy. Even though the letter made Haley feel a little better about the situation, it still made her sad. She felt guilty that she hadn't said any hopeful words to him like he had just given to her. Haley buried her head in her pillow and cried.
Nathan took Natalie upstairs. He pulled some pajamas out of a drawer for her and placed them on the bed.
"Go change okay?"
"Okay." Natalie ran into the bathroom and changed. She came back into her room. Nathan was sitting on her bed.
"Is momma going to be okay?"
"She'll be okay soon."
"Will you read me a story please?"
"You want me to read you a story?"
"Yeah, daddy used to read me a story every night. Some one has to take his place."
"I'll never take your daddy's place honey. You're daddy will always be your dad."
"I know that, but I just mean some one has to be my daddy. They gots to do daddy stuff you know?"
"And does that include reading you a story?"
"Yep, every night before bed. I pick one night. You pick the next."
"So who's turn to pick?"
"Mine, silly. Get with the program Nathan."
Nathan just laughed and tickled the girl. She filled with laughter.
"Go pick. Nothing too girly, promise?"
"No promises, it's my night to pick. Don't worry you'll get better at the rules."
Nathan laughed again. He loved being a father figure to her. They had been spending a lot of time together lately. He was doing what he could to keep the girl occupied while Haley was mourning.
"I gots the book!" Natalie ran over and jumped on the bed.
"Cinderella? Really?"
"Don't worry, you get to read tomorrow."
"Okay, be prepared for a really manly book."
"Whatever you say," Natalie yawned. "Now it's time to read before I fall asleep."
Natalie laid down on the bed and then Nathan laid next to her. He opened the book and began to read it. By the time Nathan was halfway through the book Natalie was sound to sleep. He stood up and kissed the girl's forehead.
"Sweet dreams," he paused, "daughter."
Nathan walked downstairs and peaked into the guest bedroom where Haley was staying.
"Hales, you okay?"
"Fine," she muttered.
"You sure? Do you need anything?"
"Yeah, I'm fine. Thanks."
"Do you want to come upstairs?"
"No, I'm good."
"Okay, well good night."
"Night."
"I love you Hales."
"Night, Nathan."
Nathan frowned and walked upstairs.
The next two weeks went by the same way. Haley secluded herself from the world. Nathan spent his days going to work. He would drop off and pick Natalie up from school. The two of them would eat dinner together and play together. Nathan would tuck Natalie in at night, and she would tell him how much she loved having him around. Gradually, Natalie and Nathan formed a bond that was unbreakable. Nathan would read stories in different voices just to make her smile. Natalie would draw pictures of doctors playing basketball for Nathan to hang in his office. They were becoming like a real father and daughter. Haley would talk to Natalie, but her heart wasn't in much of anything these days. She didn't want to hurt Natalie or Nathan so she figured it was best to just stay away. It broke Nathan's heart to see her this way. He tried to talk to her day after day, but she just wouldn't give in. Every morning she was gone and he had no idea where she went. He would find her later at night sitting in her room looking through photo albums or reading a book. Haley hadn't even spoken to Brooke or Lucas or Peyton since the tragedy. They all tried to call her and visit her, but she wouldn't let them past all the guilty and despair.
One afternoon after Nathan and Natalie had taken off for the day, Haley heard the door open. She didn't even bother to get up and see who it was.
Brooke walked into Haley's room and sat on the bed.
"Hi," Haley said quietly.
"How are you?"
"It's getting easier."
"Talk to me Hales. I miss you."
"I just feel guilty Brooke. I don't know what to do."
"Why do you feel guilty sweetie?"
"I never said good-bye. I left him right before he died. I took away his family."
"Haley, you had no idea any of this was going to happen."
"I know, I know. I just feel horrible Brooke."
"It's okay to be sad. It's a big loss, but Hales you have to let someone in. Sitting on this bed and crying all by yourself isn't going to help anyone."
"I know," Haley whispered.
"So tell me best friend how are you holding up?"
"I'm just sad. I'm hurting Brooke. This is killing me."
"Talk to me, cry on my shoulder, do whatever. I want to help you okay?"
"He wrote me a letter Brooke."
"Matt?"
"Yeah, he was going to give it to me when the divorce was finalized."
"What did it say?"
"He said that Nathan was a good guy, and that if he died he would pick Nathan to take care of me. He said I deserved to be happy and that he didn't hate me."
"See Haley, he doesn't hate you, he loves you. He cares about you happiness. He wouldn't want you to be depressed like this."
"I know, but it just makes me feel weird that he said he would pick Nathan if he died. Don't you find that weird or something?"
"Life throws us all kinds of signs and ironies that we really can't figure out. The way I look at it, is that he knew that Nathan was a great guy, and if he couldn't take care of you he wanted a good guy to do it."
"I should have told him I didn't hate him for not spending time with me. I should have told him I was sorry. I should have said so many things."
"Haley, there are so many things you could have said. Beating yourself up over this is not going to make you have said them though. Matt knows. Matt knew. He knew you didn't want to hurt him."
"But how do you know that Brooke?"
"Because if he didn't know, he wouldn't have taken the time to write you the letter."
"I miss him. I miss knowing he's here."
"It's okay to miss him. It's okay."
"It's not that I don't care about Nathan, I just miss Matt."
"Honey, Nathan knows. Nathan thinks it's fine for you to miss him. He doesn't think it's awful."
Haley cried on Brooke's shoulder and Brooke softly stroked her hair.
"Haley have you talked to Nathan at all?"
"Not really, I've just been kind of on my own."
"You need to let him in. The only way you're going to be able to get over this is to let him in."
"I'm just scared to let him in. What if he dies too?"
"Haley he is not going anywhere. It's killing him that you're not talking to him though."
"How's he doing?"
"He's like ass. He calls me everyday and asks me if you called. He's just really worried about you."
"I don't want him to worry."
"I know. I know you don't mean any of this. He knows that too. It's just he cares about you so much Haley. You got to let the boy in. Let him know what you're going through."
"How's Natalie doing?"
"Nathan's making sure your little girl is doing fine. She's getting through it. She misses her mom though."
"Is it wrong to think that I'm meant to be with Nathan even though my husband died? Am I an awful person for thinking that?"
"No, not at all. Even Matt would say that."
Haley leaned on Brooke and cried some more.
"Thanks Brookie. I love you."
"I love you too tutor mom. Take care okay? And call me."
Haley shook her head. Brooke walked out of the house with a slight smile on her face.
Later that night, Nathan was lying in bed. He heard footsteps outside of his door. He hoped it was Haley, but he knew those hopes were a little too high. He turned his head to see who it was; it was Natalie.
"What are you doing up so late?" Nathan asked.
"Momma won't stop crying."
"Did you go down there?"
"Yeah, I wanted to say goodnight. I stood outside her door, but I heard her crying. I didn't want to make her more sad."
"You couldn't make her more sad."
"I don't want momma to cry anymore."
"Me either."
"Plus, it's really scary because it's lightening and I always sleep with momma when it's thundering. She tells me stories about her and Uncle Lucas during storms."
"Really?"
"Yeah, but she's crying. And I'm scared."
"How about you stay up here with me?"
Natalie rubbed her eyes and shook her head. She crawled into bed next to Nathan.
"Tell me a story."
"Well, one time it was thundering really, really hard and the power went out. Your mommy was at work, and I wanted to go get her to make sure she was okay. I knew she didn't have a car to drive home in. So I drove down to the café. I opened the door and told her that the car was outside. We walked to go into the car, but the car wouldn't work. So we were trapped in the café. So mommy and I played a game. We built his crazy obstacle course out of chairs and pans and tables. Then we made hot chocolate and put it at the end. So we had to do this crazy thing in the dark and drink the hot chocolate. If I won, your mom had to wear my jersey the next time she worked. If she won I had to spend a whole day doing what she wanted. Well, we both fell about ten times. However, I won. Mostly, because your mom is a klutz. Partly, because I'm a great athlete. So you're mom was chasing me around and I ran outside into the rain. I though she wouldn't chase me there but she did. Then I kissed her in the rain, and we walked home together."
Nathan looked over and saw that Natalie was sleeping. She had a huge smile on her face. He wondered if Haley ever told that story to her.
Nathan tip-toed downstairs. He walked into Haley's room and crawled in bed next to her. He put his arm around her. He missed being near her.
"Do you remember the obstacle course?" Haley whispered.
"I didn't know you were awake."
"I'm too scared to sleep."
"You could have come upstairs. I just told Natalie the obstacle course story."
"Thank you," Haley said meekly.
"For what?"
"Taking care of her."
"I love her Haley, and I love you, so it's not a problem."
"I'm sorry Nathan."
"For what?"
"Pushing you away."
"It's okay, I understand."
"I just don't really know what to make of all of this. It was so sudden you know?"
"I know."
"I just felt guilty."
"It's not your fault."
"I know that now."
"I guess I was scared to let you in too. To have someone see me so vulnerable."
"I hate people seeing me like that too. I'm here for you though, no matter what state you're in."
"I know. Thanks."
"You okay? Are you doing okay?"
"Yeah, I'm doing a lot better with you by my side."
Nathan kissed Haley's forehead. Haley moved her mouth up to his and kissed it softly.
"I love you Hales," Nathan whispered.
"I know, I love you too."
"Goodnight," Nathan said.
"Can we just talk for a bit?"
"Of course." Nathan pulled Haley in closer and they laid there sharing stories.