Cold Summer Heat Chapter 21
I don't own R and I.
Jane was careful to be still as she felt Maura's fingers trace the scars on her hands. Maura's voice was soothing as she continued to talk, jumping from subject to subject. Jane was fighting the frustration that surfaced as she listened. She wanted to be able to see Maura. She wanted to be able to see if she was truly okay. Hell, she needed to see if she was really there, if they had really survived.
"What is it, Jane?" Maura had noticed Jane's discomfort.
Jane opened her eyes to the expected empty darkness. It had been long enough. There was less and less pain in her head everyday, so it only seemed right her vision would be returning, at least somewhat. Jane was truly scared the blindness would be permanent and the thought made her frustrated, angry, terrified. "I can't see." Jane's matter of fact statement was laced with more emotion that she had intended.
Maura studied Jane as the defeated detective seemed to accept her fate.
"Jane, there's still a good chance you will regain your vision." Maura couldn't keep her eyes off the bruises that had only started to fade on Jane's face. Her mind took her back to when she was forced to watch as Benjamin tortured her best friend. Maura's body shook with anger as she recalled how scared she was for her, Frost, and especially for Jane as she watched Jane struggle to stay strong.
"Why are you shaking, Maur? Are you okay, you know you shouldn't be out roaming just yet. Here, call…" Jane jumped at the contact when Maura put her fingers to Jane's lips, stopping her words, starting her heart.
"I'm okay, just so glad he didn't kill you." Maura's voice was wavering and Jane noticed she was even closer. Jane reached for Maura's hand as she pulled her fingers away from her face. Jane cursed herself silently for startling at every motion or movement from Maura. She wasn't afraid of Maura, of all people. Jane wanted to laugh as she forced herself to admit, even if only to herself, that Maura was scaring the hell out of her right now.
Jane wondered if she shouldn't try to lighten the mood, Maura sounded upset. She decided even she wouldn't be able to right now. The impact Maura's statement had was huge on Jane's heart as she felt the same way. She couldn't stop her mind from taking her back to that small, hot train room. The fear she saw in Maura's eyes was nearly disabling to Jane and…
Jane jumped again as she felt Maura's breath. Then she felt her lips touching her own. What was she doing? Maura was kissing her? Jane was still, not quite knowing what to do. Maura was kissing her and Jane realized she was scared to death of what was happening. And then she was gone.
"I'm sorry." Maura's voice was small, not unlike a child's would be. "I don't know why I did that."
"No, Maura, I…you…Maura…damn!" Jane's mind was rolling faster than her body ever could and she was a nervous wreck. "I need to be able to see you. I can't do this."
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you." Jane could feel Maura as she pulled herself off her bed. She instantly reached for her, grabbing a hold of her arm as Maura stood.
"No, please don't leave." Maura cringed at the unusual vulnerability the usually strong, assured detective was showing. "Maura, please."
Maura slowly lowered herself back down so that she was touching Jane's legs. "Jane, it's too much, too soon. I know we have to figure out what all this is about. I don't want to upset you."
"I just want to see you. I hate that I can't. Understand?" Jane's voice was shaking now and this caused Maura to tear up again. "Maura?"
Maura had to remember that Jane couldn't see her. She was so used to Jane being so observant, that was her job, her nature. "Okay, I understand."
"Maura, can you do that again?" Maura eyes widened as she stared at her friend. Jane thought she was looking straight at Maura, but her eyes were off to the right slightly.
Maura didn't answer, but moved in, placing her hands on either side of Jane's face. She gave Jane a second or two to prepare this time and then gently kissed her. Maura could feel all the emotions of the past few weeks building up, but knew she had to keep herself together; for Jane.
Jane tried to concentrate on what she was feeling, but her mind kept telling her this was all wrong. Maura was her friend, her best friend at that. She was the chief medical examiner, way out of Jane's league, as she saw it. Yet, here she was kissing her best friend, and she had no choice but to feel. She wanted to see. She needed to see.
There was a light knock on the door and Jane felt Maura pull away. "Dr. Isles, you really shouldn't have walked this far without help." Jane imagined herself giving the nurse a dirty look.
"I'm fine, and I'll walk back. I don't need the wheelchair, thank you." Maura slowly got up from the bed leaving Jane confused and angry.
"Maura, tell her no!" Jane was not ready for Maura to leave. She didn't have enough time.
"It's okay, Jane. I'll be back." Maura squeezed Jane's hand before she climbed into the chair. Jane listened as Maura and the nurse made their way out of the room. She was left alone once again and the silence was deafening.
Jane was left alone with her thoughts, her fears and her questions. She tried not to think about it, but she couldn't help but wonder if Maura wasn't just as confused. She seemed sure with her kiss; almost desperate. Maura seemed anxious to leave and Jane worried if she thought she had made a mistake. Jane was unsure as to what was happening between them, but what she did know was she wasn't sorry. She missed Maura already and really didn't know what to do with herself.
Jane had spent the rest of the day alone, flipping the channels on the television she couldn't watch. She about wore out the remote just changing from channel to channel. She wanted, no needed the commotion as the quiet was too loud. She was never happier to hear Korsak's voice as he made his way in.
"What are you watching?" Korsak had hoped to make Jane smile and it had worked.
"Everything, nothing. This sucks, Korsak." Jane cut the T.V. off and tossed the remote off to the side.
"Yeah, pretty much. One more night and you can go home to your own place." Korsak recognized the worried look on his former partner's face. Jane had mixed feeling about leaving the hospital although she acted thrilled when her doctor had informed her of his decision earlier.
"I don't want to leave Maura here." Jane's voice was just barely more than a whisper.
"I guess you didn't hear. She's being discharged in the morning as well." Korsak laughed as he pulled up a chair. "I'm hearing she isn't exactly the easiest patient."
Jane laughed at the thought of Maura giving her doctors fits. "That's good, means she's doing well."
"You okay with going home, Jane?" Korsak knew she wasn't, but didn't want to call her out on it.
"We trashed Maura's place. When we were trying to find out who took her. She can't go back there, Korsak." Jane worked her arm out of the sling grimacing at the pain that followed. "Stiff, you know."
"Your mother already took care of her place, she'll be fine. She'll have a home health nurse check on her for the next few days as well. She's ready, Jane." Korsak waited for Jane's response.
"We never did figure out how she was taken from there. Is it secure enough?" Korsak could tell how worried Jane was about Maura and tried not to sound patronizing in any way.
"I made sure her home was secure myself, but I'll go over it before she gets there." Korsak gently placed one finger on Jane's hand. "She'll be okay, Jane. It's over."
"I know, I just…what if…I…" Jane threw her head back against the pillow as the frustration was once again overwhelming.
"Jane, she's already told your mother she wants to come back to your place to help you."
"No!" Jane surprised herself as well as Korsak with her sudden outburst. "I don't need help and she's still too weak." Jane was scared to have Maura around her. She was only involved in this whole mess because Benjamin targeted her. He used her and their close relationship to hurt Jane. He nearly killed Maura in his attempt to break Jane.
"Jane, as hard as it is to admit it, you will need help. Your mother won't be able to help you around the clock. I'm sure you don't want that anyway." Korsak was trying to be the voice of reason.
"Frost told me." Jane closed her eyes against her own words. "Maura was shot by our own people. Another mistake. They moved in too soon."
Korsak was quiet, knowing the fact Jane now knew. He remembered how hard Jane had struggled to accept the fatal mistake that was made causing Benjamin's wife, Bradley's mother, to be shot.
"Korsak?" Jane listened hard, wishing she could see his reaction. "Is that right?"
"Yes."
"Are we sure, was the bullet taken from Maura run through ballistics?" Jane's voice was deeper than usual as the whole situation made her angry.
"Jane, does it matter? Maura is going to be okay, that's what's important." Korsak tried to keep Jane from getting upset.
"It matters, Korsak." Jane was angry and she was upset. "I tried like hell to find her. I did everything that son of a bitch told me too. I got to her and she was okay."
Korsak swallow hard as he watched Jane begin to fall apart. "She was okay when I got to her, but then…" Jane used both hands to cover her face as she worked to keep herself from completely losing it.
"Yes, Jane, the bullet was from a SWAT team member. We had lost contact and could only hear bits and pieces of what was going on in there from Frost's radio. Maura is going home tomorrow. She's okay, that's what matters now." Korsak pulled Jane's hands from her face, forcing her to talk to him some more.
"I don't want her around me. It's too dangerous. There's always going to be somebody pissed off at me for some reason. I can't have her in danger just because she knows me." Jane spoke slowly, making sure Korsak was hearing her.
"Uh huh, well good luck with that. Dr. Isles is a lot stronger than you give her credit for. She's not going to let you decide such a thing for her." Korsak flipped the television back on. "Whatcha wanna watch?"
Maura watched from the hallway as Jane's doctor examined her before signing off on her discharge paperwork. She had talked her way into finding out the results of Jane's latest scan. The swelling had reduced significantly which was giving Jane relief from the disabling headaches. Maura was disappointed that there still wasn't a definitive answer on what was causing the blindness and whether or not it would be permanent.
Maura held her breath as Jane was instructed to stand without help. Her balance would be an issue as she hadn't moved from the bed much at all. She was told not to, but Maura knew that wouldn't have stopped her. Jane Rizzoli was afraid and lying in the bed was safe.
The doctor talked to Jane while Maura watched. Jane had lost weight, and on her already thin frame it was clearly noticeable. It wasn't but a few minutes before Jane did lose her balance causing Maura to enter the room. She made eye contact with the doctor who motioned for her to stay back and quiet.
Jane was angry at her lack of progress and it was evident in her voice as she questioned the doctor as to why she still couldn't see. "Just tell me if I'm going to be blind for good."
"You're still healing. It could go either way at this point. It's important to take it easy and relax." The doctor helped Jane back into a sitting position on the bed. "I assume you will have twenty-four hour care once you're home?"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah." Jane didn't want to go home. She didn't want to stay there. She was out of sorts and it was taking it's toll on her mentally. The doctor signed off and there was nothing left to do but wait for her ride home. Jane thought about her apartment and when she was in it last. Bradley. She had left when she got the call from Maura after she and Bradley…
Maura watched as Jane tried to deal with her handicap. It tore at her heart to see Jane so vulnerable. Maura made her way over to Jane being sure to make noise as to not scare her. She was relieved at the small smile that crossed Jane's face as she got closer. "Are you ready?" Maura's voice was enough to shake Jane out of her pity party.
"I guess so. Are you? Are you okay, Maura? Please don't lie to me." Maura watched as Jane wrung her hands together, showing without knowing that she was nervous.
"I'm okay, Jane. I promise you." Maura stepped in front of Jane, being careful not to crowd her. Jane stood from the bed, keeping her eyes closed. Her balance seemed better that way.
"I can't protect you." Jane sounded defeated in her statement. "I can't even protect myself right now."
"Well then, maybe I'll take care of you until you can." Maura wanted to grab a hold of Jane but didn't want to push.
"I'm no good for you, Maura. You're so smart, so beautiful. So fragile." Jane all but whispered her last word.
"I'm alive because of you, Jane. You are too good for me." Maura reached for Jane's hand and was relieved that she seemed to relax at the touch.
"You don't owe me anything. I'm so sorry, Maura. You never should've been involved. Never should've gotten hurt. I'm having a hard time with all of this." Jane's voice cracked as she spoke.
Maura closed the distance between them, wrapping her arms around the wounded detective. Jane could feel Maura's heart beating against her own chest and she knew this was not a mistake. She didn't know what to make of it, but she knew this was something different than she had ever felt before.
Jane groaned as Maura pulled away. "Jane Rizzoli, you are incredibly smart yourself, you know. And I've always thought you were beautiful. Why would you even think I was too good for you?"
Jane missed Maura's contact within the first few seconds of her pulling back. "Well, I…uh…I don't speak French. That takes some serious intelligence. Besides, it just sounds smart."
Maura laughed causing Jane to smile. "You can speak French too, if you really wanted to."
"I do know all the swear words in French." Jane teased hoping to hear Maura's laugh again.
"Good, you can practice your pronunciation with my mother if she ever comes to visit again." Maura took both of Jane's hands in her own. "Let me help you, please, Jane. I need to be able to help you. I need to know you're going to be okay, too."
Jane raised her hand to Maura's face. Maura closed her eyes as Jane gently let her fingers slide over the soft, delicate skin. "I may never be able to see again."
"We'll deal with it, if you'll let me help you." Maura stopped Jane's hands from touching her. "We'll figure all this out together."
Jane tried but couldn't stop the single tear that fell at Maura's words. "I'm scared, Maura. Really scared."
Maura wasn't sure if Jane meant she was scared about her blindness, her career, or her feelings. It didn't matter as long as she continued to talk to her, they'd be okay. "I know, Jane. I know."