Chapter 21
He's ignoring me.
It's been two weeks since I yelled at Kurt for kissing me. Two weeks since he ran away in fear from me yelling at him. And two weeks since I heard those words muttered from his lips.
"Mr. Anderson is stupid."
It was right after Kurt ran from me crying, he returned to the playground with his friends and I followed shortly after him to watch the class, but more importantly to see if Kurt was okay. When I got there AI first searched the playground for Kurt; he wasn't by his tree, or with the group of girls but I saw him come out here so me must be somewhere.
"Ah..."
I found him huddled under the jungle-gym with one of his new friends. He was still crying, but thankfully she was trying to calm him down.
"He has someone...he's okay."
I told myself trying to believe Kurt just needed some time to think about what he did, then realize I was right and come talk to me like he always did. I forced myself down on a bench to relax and watch the kids forgetting about Kurt for a moment. Soon I found him out from under the jungle-gym and back with his friends playing, that ultimately eased my sorrow and put me in a calm state of mind.
"Okay kids!"
I shouted out to them signaling it was time to line up.
"That was thirty minutes, lets go back inside and try to learn something today!"
They quickly lined up and my excitement for school came back knowing that all of my kids were in a calm state of mind.
"Okay, David. Let's go!"
I told him and he lead the line back to the classroom.
Usually I'd walk in front of them, but there was a group in the back of the line that huddled together instead of standing in a straight line, I stayed behind to correct their actions.
"Mary, Mercedes...Kurt-"
I struggled saying his name because it was shocking to find him not following directions like he always did.
"Straight line."
I reminded them and they soon shuffled into place giggling to each other, then I heard it come from his mouth.
"Mr. Anderson is stupid."
I stopped and watched him go. I would follow the class but those words caused me pain, never before have I had a student not like me or worse think I was stupid. Well, maybe I have but I never heard it before from someone, and it was Kurt. Kind, sweet, scared, little Kurt who would run to me whenever he needed something or was afraid.
I knew in that moment that I had changed Kurt's life forever.
The week continued and Kurt stopped volunteering in class, then he started to slack off on his homework turning it in a day late, then his grades started to slip. Over the course of two weeks Kurt's class average went from a 97 to a 94 then in the next week it slipped down to a 92. It was still an A, but no longer did Kurt have the highest grade in the class like he was so proud of before.
"Kurt."
I called out to him as he tried to leave the room for lunch one day. It had been three weeks since the kiss now and I was starting to worry about him.
"Stay for a couple minutes and chat?"
I offered it as a question, to show him that I missed him and wanted him around soon. But the expression on his face looked like he was in complete fear of staying behind with me.
"Um...I'm really hungry today Mr. Anderson."
He explained as he inched out of the door to follow the rest of the class. I looked sadly at him to show him how much I was disappointed.
"Okay, Kurt...enjoy your lunch."
He ran off to meet up with the class leaving me alone in the classroom again. I walked over to my desk and looked over the classroom seeing Kurt's desk, messy and unorganized...so different from three weeks ago. I got off of my desk and walked over to it and inspected the work on his desk. His math was barely complete and there were scribbled all over his desk. I knelled down to get a better view of the smudged writing on his desk.
Stupid
boys
Mr. Anderson stupid teacher
I hate you
I looked over the writing again sadly and put my hand in his desk for leverage. This was terrible.
Even though the words weren't in complete thoughts I pieced together what it could mean from our past events.
Boy's are stupid, I'm a stupid boy and he hates me.
I placed my hand on the desk and stroked down wishing I could apologize to Kurt for making him feel so bad about himself and liking me...or boys.
I looked downward and glanced into his desk that had crumpled papers behind his textbooks and notes. I knew it would be wrong to snoop in a students desk...but this was more for Kurt's safety, so I put my hand in and took out one piece of paper.
It was crumpled and written all over, I slowly opened it careful not to tear it.
"Dear Mr. Anderson,
Your smile is cute. I like it when your teeth
show in your smile because they're cute
too. Your lips are really pink today, I
really want to kiss you.
Love Kurt"
I balled the paper back up and put it back in his desk then grabbed another one.
"Dear Mr. Anderson,
The clothes you wore today were nice.
They matched really well and the bow tie
you wore with them made you look cute
again. I hugged you earlier when I came
in and my smelled good, you smell better
then my dad. I like hugging you.
Love Kurt"
I moved the texted books out of his desk revealing a much more papers in the back of his desk, they probably were all notes to me and I wanted to go through them because they were flattering and sweet and all from Kurt, but before I hurt him. I decided again it, now knowing clearly how Kurt felt about me. This wasn't an assumption just from his actions, this was proof that Kurt liked me and guys for that matter.
I moved the booked back in their place and left his desk how I found it going back to mine. I tucked my lip into my mouth and reflected on what I just found in his desk. Kurt was gay. Even if he didn't understand it yet, he was gay. Over the year I tried my best to show Kurt how amazing he was just by himself because he was different. But now I knew just how different. Different, just like me.
I wanted to just go get Kurt and sit him down and command we talk about this situation so I can lead him and help him before he get's to that point of his life when he needs someone like me there for him. But I had already lost him in my failed attempt to correct an action, and now Kurt had no one to look up to.
I couldn't leave such a sweet boy out in the world alone, but I couldn't talk to him either I'd already lost his trust.
This caused me to become more stressed then I had been in the past week, how could I explain to Kurt it was okay to be who he was without making him feel afraid or awkward around me.
I can't be there to talk to him.
I realized and took out a piece of paper from my desk then a felt pen, the one Kurt loved the most.
Dear Kurt,
I started my letter to now one of the saddest boys in the world.