Chapter 21

We stayed in the Adirondacks for nearly four weeks. These were wordless days, filled with exploring the surrounding forest and mountains, tramping through the brooks that wound their way down to the foothills, and discovering hidden dells and fields. Without the presence of humans, we were not bound by the night or cloudy days. We could sprint down sunlit trails, climb the tallest trees and cliff faces, and watch the rise and fall of the sun. Our nights were spent beneath the stars, observing the gradual phases of the moon. The quiet between one another did not extend to the woods however. The forest was filled with the music of the oncoming spring as the first frogs chirped early in the evening, insects buzzed with anticipation in the grass, and birds began to return from their sojourns south. We watched the last frost dissolve into budding branches, and the tips of wildflowers began to poke up through the earth.

There was never a need to speak. Somehow one always understood what the other wanted or needed. And eventually we fell into a routine entirely our own. It became clear that Jasper was beginning to feel better. His expressions became less pained, and even the residual emotions I often felt coming off of him were beginning to feel less and less sad. I knew he was by no means relieved entirely of his grief, but it did seem he was beginning to feel a little bit better. As for myself, I was less and less tempted to retreat into the memories, and felt myself pulled to remain in the present, if only for Jasper's sake.

It seemed as though this routine might go on forever, when on one cloudy day Jasper looked up from his spot on the ground and with a nod, stood up and held out his hand.

I nodded back, stood, and after brushing myself off, handed him the keys.

The time spent on the road was very short. With the needle already nearing dangerously close to 'E,' we were very quickly in need of fuel. Just south was a small town set just off the two lane highway. The town reminded me a little of Forks, except less green. As we made our way through town, the houses intermingling with storefronts. There was a post office and a modest town hall with a police station adjoined to it. Everything seemed perfectly appointed and humble. And quiet for that matter, the most noticeable sign of life was coming from within the two churches we passed, the parking lots were crowded.

"Must be Sunday," I murmured. I'd stopped keeping track of the days a while back. For all I knew it was nearly April. When did spring arrive in the northeast anyway?

Jasper nodded in agreement.

I half expected the gas station to be closed, much like the rest of the town, but was pleasantly surprised to see an 'open' sign hanging in the window.

Jasper pulled the car next to the gas pump and turned off the engine. He glanced over at me and gave me a tentative half smile. "I'll get it," he said.

I nodded and leaned back in the seat with a sigh as he got out to pump the gas.

I stared out through the windshield at the street adjacent to us where houses lined the street. In a passing thought I wondered how much it bothered people to live across from a gas station.

From the nearest house I could hear someone talking back to a television that was blaring an energetic sermon. "Can I get an 'amen?'" the preacher solicited.

"Hell yes you can! Ay-men!" an old man replied.

The next house over didn't seem to have any activity within it. I supposed that maybe they were at a one of the churches down the street.

From the house on the corner I could hear moderate activity. They too must have skipped church this week.

Pots and pans clanged around from the front of the house, downstairs. "Kids, whose turn is it to take out the trash?" a woman called out.

"Jenn's!" a boy replied loudly from one side of the second floor of the house.

"Nuh-uh! It's Richie's!" Jenn cried from the other side of the second floor, probably her bedroom.

"Yes-huh! I took it out yesterday morning!" Richie retorted.

"But I--"

"Jennifer Kimberly Night, come down here and take out the trash!" the woman interrupted.

"But Mom--"

"Don't 'but Mom' me. I don't want to hear it. The trash bag is full, I need you to take it out, and I need you to do it now," her mother replied.

There were some angry grumbles from Jenn, followed by snickering on Richie's part, as Jenn stomped downstairs. There was a clanking and clattering sound from the first floor, a noise which continued to the front door.

I stole a look at Jasper.

He had his eyes on the gas pump, but his hands were shoved into his pockets, and his jaw was clenched. He was worried.

Even if he had his doubts about encountering a human for the first time in a month, I knew he could handle it.

I got out of the car and walked around to the end of the car.

"You have no idea how annoying it is to not be completely positive you can control yourself," he murmured.

"You'll get there," I said, giving a reassuring smile as I leaned against the trunk.

The front door of the house behind us opened and a pair of feet trooped across the front porch.

Jasper's eyes shifted over my head, towards the house.

I looked over my shoulder and saw a short, skinny girl of possibly eight, with coffee-and-cream colored skin, her reddish brown hair in atop her head in a messy ponytail. Her face was set in a pout as she carried a large bag of trash down the steps.

She stalked across the yard to the trashcans and opened the lid, flinging the bag towards the can. The bag opened midair, scattering several articles of trash across the driveway.

She groaned and bent over and began to pick them up. A low-hanging tree branch got caught in her hair, pulling a few strands free. "Stupid tree!" she loudly declared as she ducked away and seized another piece of trash.

I chuckled and looked over at Jasper who had visibly relaxed.

Jasper shook his head and relaxed as he squeezed off the gas and removed the nozzle.

I shook my head and smiled. "Ready?" I asked.

"Only if you are," he said, smiling and twisting the gas cap on with a few satisfying clicks.

"Yep," I said, turning and walking around the end of the car.

"You know, I think as long as I stay away from fresh blood I'll be okay," he said, opening his car door. "I didn't feel any kind of temptation."

I smiled over the car at him as I opened my door. "That's great! I knew you'd get there."

The wind shifted, a gust sent my hair billowing past my shoulders.

The smell of garbage hit my lungs, causing me to wrinkle my nose.

And then suddenly everything stopped. Everything around me disappeared, all except for a scent and the single steadily thudding heartbeat.

I turned slowly and faced the hypnotic noise to see the girl had taken down her ponytail and was now shaking out her hair. Her scent crashed over me for a second time, this time more powerful.

My breath caught, and my mouth filled with venom. My body tingled with anticipation. My thirst, having lain dormant for months, was now suddenly making itself known. I knew in this moment that this creature's only purpose in life was to serve as my prey, her blood was my property. I could see it pooling in her flushed cheeks, her veins pulsing in her neck. The thin membrane would be easily broken, it couldn't protect her from my bite.

I watched as this stupid, fragile little human made her way across the yard towards her front steps. It would only take a few strides to close the gap between us.

She tripped up the last step, but caught herself.

I sneered. Clumsy. This would be all too easy.

I sprang forward, but instead of feeling the rush of air as my surroundings flew past me, I felt two hands clap onto my shoulders and my body colliding with the ground.

I roared as I looked up and saw Jasper above me, pinning me to the ground with his body.

"NO!" I screeched as he held down my thrashing arm.

"Bella!" his voice boomed.

A snarl escaped my lips as I kicked my legs forward and knocked him off of me.

I smiled darkly as I met eyes with Jenn, who had turned around to see where the noise had come from and had an alarmed expression on her face.

I started towards her again, but a hand seized my ankle, pulling me to the ground again. I shot a look down at Jasper who was clinging to my ankle, and hand over hand pulling me towards him by my leg. "Let go of me, NOW!" I ordered.

"Bella, she's just a child!" Jasper groaned desperately, straining to maintain his grip on me.

"Yes, and she is mine!" I snarled.

His hands slipped and tore my pant leg, losing grip on me entirely.

I looked up just in time to see the child running into the house. I heard the lock turning in the door.

"Moooom!" she cried.

"Oh, like that'll stop me!" I laughed, scrambling forward.

Jasper dove forward and caught me at my knees, both of us crashing to the ground again.

I roared in protest.

"Bella, I'm telling you, I will tear your legs off before I allow you to have that girl's blood," he said, dragging me backwards.

"I've had enough of this!" I growled. I yanked a leg away from his hold. I reared back my leg and kicked him squarely in the face, knocking him back.

He maintained his grip on my other leg, and I kicked again. This time he caught my foot. He towed me towards him.

I dug my hand into the pavement, my fingers going through the asphalt as though it were sand.

Jasper flipped me over and held me fast against the ground. "Bella, I won't allow you to have the human!"

I began to panic. What if she somehow managed to escape?! How could I be content without having had her blood warm and soothe me? Another part of my brain attempted to calm me. No, I'd still be able to track her. Somehow I knew that I could follow her scent across an ocean if I had to. Still, in this moment, I craved her. I needed her. Every part of my body longed for her.

"Jasper, so help me, you let me go, or I'll--" I stopped. I suddenly felt all my senses dull as a haze of calm settled over me. He was doing this.

"Fight it Bella, fight it! You've got to, or all is lost!" my brain screamed.

But it was no good, I could feel him move off of me, and I was aware that I was being made to sit up. Jasper's form was looming over me.

"Bella, Bella, stop this! He's going to take you away from her! FIGHT!" I thought desperately.

I searched deep within myself. Through the haze I suddenly recalled Jenn's scent. Seawater, citrus, and a sweetness that could not be defined.

The scent moved me, brought me back, and I felt my vision flash as a dark red haze settled over my eyes, the blood lust seizing me once again.

"NO!" I shouted. I dug my hand into the pavement and pulled away a large chunk of cement. Before even considering the action, and before it had completely registered with Jasper that I'd overridden his effect on me, I swung back my arm and struck Jasper just below the ear.

Then something unexpected happened. Instead of the cement bursting into powder and crumbling in my hand, the rock maintained its shape, tearing Jasper's marble skin.

Jasper cried out in pain, immediately releasing me, and instinctively grabbing his neck.

The seawater, the citrus, the sweetness, and the girl were all forgotten as I stared at Jasper wide eyed.

What did I just do?

I sat up and reached towards him with my empty hand.

He flinched away from me, not meeting my eyes. Venom was streaming from beneath his hand.

I looked down at the rock in my right hand. There seemed to be nothing remarkable about it, other than the venom Jasper had, for lack of a better term, bled onto it. I examined it carefully for a moment before I closed my fist around it and crushed it into powder effortlessly.

I looked up and he finally met my eyes, and it didn't take an empath to know what was behind the look he was giving me: Fear.

I could hear movement in several of the nearby houses. People had seen our display. A phone was dialing. Anxious voices were speaking to one another.

We needed to get moving before we were part of another police chase.

Jasper's gaze shifted. "Car. Now." he said, standing up, his hand still pressed against his neck. He reached down and pulled me up by my wrist.

"I can drive," I said quietly as he opened the passenger side door.

"You can ride," he replied.

I nodded and slid into the seat.

I was still in a state of shock as he led me to the car and I got in. What had I just done? I stared down at my hands in shock. I looked up and saw the town falling away quickly as we barreled down the road. The rural landscape passed by in a blur, not because our speed, but because I couldn't see it. I was seeing my hands, the chunk of cement, my arm swinging back, connecting with Jasper's neck. I could see it, his torn flesh exposed for the briefest moment.

Jasper's gasp of pain brought me back to the present and I turned in my seat.

Jasper was still clutching at his neck, silvery-white venom dripped from between his fingers and down his wrist, his face contorted in pain.

"Jasper what happened back there?" I asked in a frightened voice.

"You tried to take off my God damn head, that's what happened back there!" he spat, before letting out another groan.

The car jerked to the right, skirting the edge of the road as his body shuddered.

"Why don't you let me drive," I offered.

"No, I've got it."

We were flying down, or more appropriately up the road. We wound our way up steep inclines and around sharp turns. A thick, dark forest seemed to close in on us more and more as drove on.

I threw worried glances at Jasper every time the car veered out of the lane momentarily.

Jasper gasped again and winced, and suddenly we decelerated. Dirt kicked up behind us as we coasted onto the shoulder and into the grass, and a cloud wafted continued past us when we came to a stop.

With a short exhaling of breath, Jasper pulled his hand away, revealing the 2 1/2 inch long gash that ran from his jaw line to just behind his ear.

I gasped as I saw venom seep from it and down his neck.

Jasper turned in the seat, trying to get a better look at it in the rear view mirror, but it was in too awkward a spot for him to see it properly.

"Want me to do it?"

"Bella, don't take this the wrong way, but I'd rather you didn't touch me at the moment."

My face fell and I nodded.

He licked his finger and felt around blindly, trying to seal the wound, but only succeeded in hurting himself further by sticking a finger directly into the wound.

He roared in pain. "Damn it!" he shouted.

He met my eyes with an angry glare.

"Fine," he said flatly, turning his head so I could reach him more easily.

I bit my lip and knelt in the seat. There was so much venom. I reached up and tore the left sleeve from my shirt and used it to dab away the venom surrounding the cut.

The cut was ragged, more open in some places than others. The closer it got to his jaw, the deeper it became. I really had tried to take his head off.

"Jasper, this is going to hurt--a lot."

Jasper replied with a, "Mmmhmmm," and steeled himself.

I licked a finger, coating it in my own venom and grimaced as I pressed it to the top of the wound.

Jasper cursed loudly, his face twisting in pain.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" I stammered.

"Just do it," he growled through his clenched teeth.

I re-wet my finger, held my breath, and sealed the rest of it in two strokes, pressing the skin together tightly as I let the venom seal the wound together.

The sealed wound was still very white, paler than the rest of his skin.

I shook my head. "You might have to take it easy on that area, it's pretty deep."

"I'll keep that in mind," he said without any emotion. He stared through the windshield, his hands balled into fists.

"Does it feel any better?"

"Marginally, but given that I haven't felt that amount of pain since I was changed, that's not saying much."

"Oh," I said, staring down at my hands. "Sorry," I mumbled.

I had so many questions, but as afraid as I was of myself and what I'd just done, I was even more terrified that Jasper was going to decide it was too dangerous to continue being in my presence.

"Alright, let's go," he said, opening the car door.

"What are we doing?" I asked, confused.

"We are stopping so you can hunt," he said with a glare.

I thought back to the little human. She was only maybe twenty miles away, a distance I could easily close in a matter of minutes. I felt my vision darken at the thought of my teeth tearing into my flesh.

"Not her," Jasper said, opening my door.

"Then I'm not hunting," I said petulantly.

"Yes, you are," he said insistently.

"No."

"Bella, we can either do this easy way or the hard way, you take your pick," he said, staring down at me.

I crossed my arms and stared out at the road.

"Fine," he said.

In a flash Jasper seized me around my waist and slung me over his shoulder, a hand clasped over the back of my knees.

I snarled and tried kicking my legs, but he maintained his vice grip as he walked into the woods.

"Jasper, put me down now!" I screamed. I clawed at his back, shredding his shirt.

"If you keep screaming you're going to scare off the game," he said, walking deliberately through the woods, "and then we'll have to stay out here until nightfall."

"I'm not hunting game, I'm not thirsty."

"I think your little display at the gas station proves otherwise."

"Oh bite me, Jasper!" I growled.

"Been there, done that," he said with a shrug.

"This is bullshit, it's just one little human, what difference would one make?"

"One makes all the difference, and that human, that child was all of eight years old, maybe younger. Do you really want that on your conscience?" he asked, jumping over a creek and jostling me as he landed.

"I don't care if she's young," I said darkly. It was the truth, her age was of no concern to me.

Jasper's steps faltered, and he stopped. "You would later," he said quietly.

His grip seemed to weaken momentarily.

I took advantage of this, and yanked a leg free. I kneed him in the face several times before he caught my leg and pinned it down again.

"Why are you doing this?" I demanded.

"For the same reason you stopped me in Hannibal."

I struggled to recall why I'd stopped him. For some reason those memories felt unimportant, and therefore hard to recall. All I could focus on at the moment was the present.

He sighed deeply and resumed his fast-paced steps. "Because it was the right thing to do, and because you cared enough to stop me."

I stopped flailing my body and quietly thought this over. After a few minutes, I sighed and nodded into his shoulder blade. I took a few deep, cleansing breaths.

He continued to walk along as I dangled limply of his shoulder.

"Sorry," I said finally.

"It's alright," he said.

"I'm sorry about your shirt too," I added, looking at the shreds of fabric that dangled from his shoulders.

"It's okay, you'll just buy me another one," he said with a shrug.

A few minutes later he came to a stop.

I could smell them as well. Deer. The smell made my stomach turn.

"I know," he whispered. "Do you need me to do it?"

I shook my head.

Jasper set me on the ground and eyed me warily.

"Do I really have to do this? We can just go back to the car," I implored, even though I knew it was useless.

He gave me a look that told me the matter was not up for debate.

I sighed and nodded. It felt like Forks all over again, except I'd never fought Carlisle this hard. I rolled my eyes and closed them at this thought. Forks, both literally and figuratively, was thousands of miles away from here.

I heard Jasper take a few steps away from me, giving me the space to allow me to hunt.

I had often been told that my method of hunting relied heavier on my sense of hearing more so than any other sense. It didn't make me weird; it was just another way of doing the same thing as everyone else. For me, the scent was just the marker of where to start looking. My ears became my eyes, and as I listened, my ears took me through the trees, past streams, over trails made by smaller animals, down little hills, and to the river. It was all there in my mind, as if I'd seen it with my own eyes. And there, on a rocky path that met the river, running alongside a line of tall sycamores and pines, were five deer making their way slowly across the rocks.

I opened my eyes and spun around, taking off towards the river.

No matter how many times I commanded myself to give over to instinct, I remained resistant. Oh I was able to track the deer, and took it down without incident. But when I sunk my teeth into its neck, I stopped trying to force something that just wasn't there. The blood tasted more bitter than usual. There was no out of body experience or even a moment of brief satisfaction. This was foreign, repulsive, and agonizing.

"Damn it!" I shouted, spitting out the blood I'd pulled into my mouth and spraying the rocks and grass with red. "I hate this!" I shouted, kicking a rock with such force that it embedded itself in the trunk of a nearby tree. "I don't want to do this Jasper!" I said in a defeated voice, sensing him somewhere behind me.

"You can't keep avoiding your thirst," Jasper said quietly.

I looked over my shoulder and saw him leaning against a tall pine.

"It's not about avoidance," I said bitterly, crouching down and holding my head. "It's about keeping my promise without having to keep it entirely," I whispered.

"I don't understand," he admitted.

"If I hunt, it's like I'm going on with my life, as if everything's normal, like how it used to be, but nothing is how it used to be. Nothing is normal," I said in a sad voice.

There was a long pause, and Jasper cleared his throat. "Is life really so bad right now?"

I shot him a look of disbelief.

He walked forward, his hands raised. "No, I know what you mean, but don't you understand what I'm saying as well?"

I watched him for a moment before nodding.

"As much as I wish things were how they used to be, and I do wish it, so very, very much, we both know they can't," he said quietly. "And to deny oneself of the wonderful, good, and especially the necessary things in this life is hardly honoring the lives of whom we've lost."

We both fell silent as I took in his words.

A moment later the wind carried up the scent of the deer's freshly spilled blood.

"Try again?" he suggested.

I nodded and crouched over the deer and bit into it again, but quickly spat out the now cooled, thickened blood. "It's cold," I complained.

The flavor on my tongue was foul and muddy. I squeezed my eyes shut and massaged my temples. Why was this so hard? The deer's appeal was nothing compared to the... exquisite scent I'd encountered not an hour beforehand.

I resisted the impulse to dash through the trees in the direction of the town. What good would it do? I was hands down a faster runner than Jasper, but the advantage was gone even when I so much as thought about her scent. That scent had the ability to make me so irrational and impulsive; it evoked a desire which I had never known. Losing control, both physically and mentally, that seemed to be where Jasper had the advantage. Perhaps that was the key, maintaining control.

I opened my eyes and slowly turned around to face him. "Jasper," I purred.

"Yes?" he replied in a guarded voice. He watched me suspiciously.

"Jasper, this is so stupid," I said, walking slowly over to him. "You're right, you are absolutely right about... everything," I said. I was only a foot away from him now. "We shouldn't be denying ourselves of the wonderful and the good," I said with a smirk.

Jasper seemed to catch on to where I was going with the conversation.

"In this case however, it is not necessary. You can function perfectly well without it," he said with a glare.

"But I do need to fulfill this desire. It's nearly overpowering," I said, looking up at him through my eyelashes.

"You're d-deliberately mis-misinterpreting my words," Jasper said, backing away.

"Jasper," I whispered, giving a wounded look and biting my lip. "I need it. I need to feel it inside me, to fill me up and quench a thirst I never knew I was capable of feeling. Every part of me tingles, cries out to be satiated." I said, stretching out my hand and placing it on his chest.

He looked down at my hand, startled by my touch.

I quirked an eyebrow then lightly shoved him against the tree that was only a few inches behind him.

"Don't leave me unsatisfied," I said in a growl.

He met my eyes, and I could see the command and control he usually possessed was barely present. It would take little more than a push to convince him now.

I kept my eyes locked on his, and with a small, innocent smile I leaned my body against his. I felt his breath catch as our bodies touched. I got on my tiptoes and brought my lips to his right ear. "It's our nature," I whispered, my breath tickling him.

He shivered beneath me. "Bella, I can't--"

"Shhh..." I shushed him, bringing a finger to his lips. "I promise if you let this happen it'll be worth your while."

"Worth my while?" he said curiously against my fingers.

"Uh-huh," I said with a nod. I nuzzled against his ear.

"How?" he asked in a husky voice.

I grinned to myself, knowing I had him. "We can share them," I said in a sweet, sing-song voice. I began to trace my fingers over his lips. "You can have the woman, even the boy if you like," I cooed. "Just imagine," I whispered against his jaw as I sank down and brought my lips down to his neck, "how good it will feel to bring you teeth down to their throats, letting your teeth ever so gently pop their soft flesh." I opened my mouth and let my teeth graze his skin, stopping at the collar of his shirt, "And then the sweet, red liquid passing through your lips and down your throat." I felt his lips part and his warm, ragged breath against my fingers.

A hand, which he had pressed against the tree now slid down my hip, gripping me firmly. A growl was rumbling in his chest.

"Bella, we shouldn't..." he murmured in a last ditch effort, but I already knew he'd surrendered.

"Don't fight this," I whispered into the crook of his neck. "I know you want to," I exhaling against his skin.

He let out a small groan through his parted lips.

I let my finger trail just inside his mouth, grazing his teeth.

As if it were his answer, he nipped at my finger playfully.

I smiled wickedly and pulled my head away so I could see his eyes. They were dark, probably as dark as mine. I reached up and pushed a strand of blond hair out of his eyes. "Ready?"

His cast his eyes downward. He was still trying to resist.

I put my hand through his hair and stretched up on my toes, bring my face inches away from his.

His eyes lingered on my mouth. I could feel the hand on my hip pulling me into him. His other hand came up to my face. Our breathing was sharp and uneven.

"Jasper," I said firmly. "Are you ready?"

"Yes," he whispered in defeat.

He tilted his face towards me, moving his mouth towards mine.

He leaned in, and instinctively I brought my hands to either side of his head and held him away from me.

Before I understood what I'd done, I felt myself go flying to the ground.

He was doubled over cursing loudly, cradling his neck.

"Oh my God, your neck, Jasper, I'm sorry. I completely forget, I didn't think--" I stammered.

He raised a hand to signal me to stop. After a few labored breaths, he dropped his head back against the tree and stared upwards, his mouth pressed in a firm line.

"I'm--I'm so sorry Jasper," I said, apologizing for more than just aggravating his newly mended wound--the wound I had given him.

He wouldn't look at me.

Humiliated and embarrassed, I launched myself up the nearest tree. As I neared the top, I threw myself into the next tree over and climbed to the top of it. I crouched on the highest branch sheltering myself against its trunk, and burying my face in my hands. I was experiencing blood lust like I had never felt before. I had just tried to seduce Jasper into hunting humans. And on top of everything I was somehow able to pierce the impenetrable skin of a vampire with a rock. What was happening to me? Everything was such a mess.