The characters are Stephenie Meyer's, but the story is mine.

Happy news, my grandson was born on the 21st! He was 7 pounds, 3 ounces, 19.75 inches long (3.26 kg, 50.2 cm for those of the metric persuasion). Mom and baby are doing fine. In fact, he's very quiet, barely fussing to be fed or changed, and is already sleeping through the night. Must take after his father. There are pictures on my thread!

Chapter 21 – Waking Up

I had no idea how long I'd been asleep. There were times I thought I was dead, and suffering the torments of hell as pain wracked my body. Other times I thought I was being given a reprieve when I heard the voice of the one I loved whispering my name. I could almost feel her touching me; stroking my face, kissing my lips, holding my hand. But then I would sink once again into blackness. It was as if God and the devil were fighting over the claiming of my soul.

I feared waking. What if I found myself departed from this life? But then I would hear a child's laugh, and imagine it might be my own. Other voices filtered in and out as well. My beloved sister, Major Whitlock, Jacob, and others I didn't recognize but seemed kind and concerned. But it was Bella's voice I trained my ears to pick up. I was sure I must be delirious, for she was thousands of miles away, but it gave me the strength to endure the pain. If I were to suffer eternal torment, I could bear it well if only I could continue to hear her voice.

But there were other sounds in the blackness. Screams of the wounded and dying filled my dreams. I could smell the smoke and blood; see the light die in the eyes of men I shot. I would look about me for the men I fought with, but their faces were blurred and their names escaped me. I didn't know which battlefield I was on, only that the enemy was advancing. I would run and get nowhere. My limbs wouldn't work as I tried to draw my cutlass and engage my foe. But then they would disappear, for in the heat of the battle a voice, her voice, could be heard. Soothing my soul and chasing away the demons that haunted me.

Finally the blackness began to depart. Bit by bit I could feel its oppressive weight lift and I could take in more of my surroundings. I could feel that I was on a bed, a band about my waist and legs rendering them immobile. The pain became more localized to my hips, but the ache was dulled in its intensity. My eyes opened, and I realized I was in a home unfamiliar to me. And yet, I could still hear her voice! Bella's voice seemed nearby and I could make out words. It was as if she were reading; the words punctuated with the squeak of a rocking chair.

I willed my head to move to follow the sound of her voice and saw her nearby. She was holding a small child, barely out of infancy, with hair the color of my own, reading to her. It was a vision from my fondest dreams. I watched for a while, noticing how the child squirmed occasionally, nestling deeper into her mother's arms. The babe looked about and stared at me, and I realized her eyes were the same as her mothers. Deep brown pools of curiosity and wonder, alight with intelligence, met my own. She didn't speak to me, but continued to listen to her mother read.

Her mother. My Bella. I lifted my gaze to her face and noticed the exhaustion there. There were dark circles beneath her eyes and lines of weariness about her mouth. As I perused her visage, I noticed a single gray hair marring the beauty of her chocolate hair. But there was a softness about her that hadn't been there before. She had taken on that look that mothers got. A look of care, compassion and boundless love. We had been apart for well over a year, and she had grown immensely more beautiful in my eyes.

Eyes, I wanted to see her eyes. "Bella," I called as loudly as I could, but realized the sound was minute. I tried again, "Bella." This time there was a bit more volume, at least enough to cause her to turn and look my direction. I could finally see those beautiful orbs that I had become lost in so many times. She was so very lovely. How on earth had I ever managed to tear myself away from her? "My Bella, how I love you."

I watched as shock stilled her face, only to be replaced by joy as she called my name. She rose quickly, dropping the book and placing the child on the floor as she called for Alice and Jacob. I could hear footsteps in other rooms draw near, but kept my eyes trained on my wife. A face I had thought never to see again, and I was distraught to see her eyes fill with tears. She leaned over me, saying my name over and over again as she reached out and began stroking my face with one hand as she grabbed up my hand to hold it to her chest with the other.

"You're awake, you're here, you came back to me," she whispered as she dipped her head and laid it on my shoulder.

I squeezed my hand around hers and kissed the top of her head. "Of course, my love. Shush now, no tears. Please, I want to look at you," I spoke to her in a voice rough and quiet. Over her shoulder I could see Alice, being held by Major Whitlock? "Alice? I take it you've somehow met Jasper? What happened to your hair?" She just laughed, tears flowing freely down her cheeks. I had never seen my sister speechless before, but she was now. Beside them stood Jacob and I watched as a pretty, copper-skinned woman came and took his hand. Another woman, older with a kind face and caramel hair came to stand next to them. "Bella, was that Nessie you were holding?"

"OH! Yes, let me get her," she left me to gather our child up and brought her over, "Nessie, this is your daddy."

"Hey, baby girl," I whispered and then laughed as she shyly hid her face in Bella's shoulder. "She's beautiful, Bella. Thank you." My daughter peeked out and watched me with the same regard she had previously.

"Let me introduce you to those you don't know, Edward," Bella reached out to the caramel haired lady. "This is Esme Cullen. We are in her home. It was her husband, Carlisle, who operated on you at the field hospital. Standing next to Jacob is Esme's maid, Sarah. She has been responsible for your recovery."

"Field hospital? Bella, where are we? How would you know who operated on me?"

"We're in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania." She looked abashed, hanging her head and peering at me through her lashes, "Please don't be angry, but when I got your last letter telling me that you'd been transferred, I followed you out here. Alice and Jacob wouldn't let me come alone with Nessie, so we all traveled together. I met Dr. and Mrs. Cullen on the train, and assisted them in the field hospital with Alice at Gettysburg. I knew you were nearby, the paper reported that your regiment was there. I just never imagined you would be brought there –" she trailed off like a train running out of steam.

"I'm glad you're here, but Bella! That's so dangerous. You could have been hurt!"

"I had Alice and Jacob. We obviously managed."

"How did you meet Jasper?"

"He was wounded, and kept with the other confederates. Alice noticed no one was tending to them, and decided that she would. He called to her, because you two look similar, and then I met him. He's also been helping us take care of you."

I was now feeling rather fatigued. "You need to rest," Bella said. "We'll talk more later. Is there anything you need?"

There was a pressure in my bladder, and I was thirsty. I didn't mind requesting the latter with company nearby, but was unsure of how to deal with the first. I squirmed a bit with the discomfort, and was shocked when Bella recognized what it meant. She shooed the others from the room, picked up a bottle and removed the sheet to take hold of me and assist me to empty my bladder! "Bella! What are you doing?"

"This isn't the first time, Edward. I've grown to recognize that stirring," she told me with an impish grin. A blush lit my face as I realized she was quite practiced at this! "Don't be embarrassed," she continued, "it's better than trying to change the sheets and you have been gravely wounded. It's my duty as your wife to care for you and attend to your needs."

"I'm so sorry, Bella" I began, but she just shushed me. I knew there was no way I could hold out any longer, and so emptied my bladder into the bottle. I watched in amazement as she cleaned me up, and recovered me with the sheet. Alice must have been nearby enough to hear me finish up, for as soon as I was covered she came in with something for me to drink. My mortification increased as I realized these people had been caring for me as if I was a small child!

"Oh, stop it, Edward," Alice said as she came in, "you act as if no one has ever heard someone use the toilet before."

"It's just not proper, Alice."

"Neither is getting shot through, but you've managed to do that too. Now quit your complaining and let us take care of you." I watched as her face changed from teasing to concern. "You had us all scared, Edward."

"I'm so sorry."

"Well, we're better off than many at that battle. We at least have you alive."

"How badly am I hurt?"

Bella answered me, "Bad enough. We'll really know the extent once you are more mobile." She then took the drink from Alice and helped me up onto my elbows. "Now this is a bit bitter, but it will help you heal and take away some of the pain. It will also make you sleepy." I allowed her to hold the drink to my lips and sipped at it, grimacing at the taste. "Drink it all, Edward," Bella said as if I was a child. I guess I was acting that way because I was pulling away. So I took a deep breath and drank it all down.

Sitting up like that fatigued me, so I lay back down with a sigh. I could feel a languor come over me and wondered what was in that drink. I could feel the blackness returning, but it wasn't as heavy. As I drifted to sleep, I asked one more question. "Bella, where are my clothes?" I could hear her laugh as sleep claimed me.

It was barely light in the room when I awoke. I was amazed to find that I had a bit more ability to move this time than when I had last awakened. I was still bound about my waist and legs, hampering movement, but was able to use my arms to prop myself up. Glancing about the room, I could see Bella asleep on a cot nearby. She looked more relaxed in sleep, but the fatigue was still evident in her face. I hated to wake her, but needed to empty my bladder again. Actually, that made it much worse, and I wondered how long I could wait. I distracted myself by perusing her form.

She was in a nightdress and seemed quite thin. I knew she had gained weight with the pregnancy, but the woman before me seemed almost emaciated. I hoped it wasn't the concern over me that caused this, but had a sinking feeling it might be. I tried to move to look at her more closely, but gasped loudly as a sharp pain through my hips informed me as to why I was so bound. I saw Bella's eyelids open and look to me quickly. There was simply no way I could lie down fast enough to make her believe I was asleep, so I simply apologized for waking her.

"Oh, Edward, I'd rather be awake if you are. I've had you asleep long enough," she whispered while arising from the cot she was on. There was a light behind her, causing her form to be silhouetted in her gown. I was amazed at her beauty and that she had traveled so far to be near me.

"Bella, how badly am I injured?"

Her sigh was deep as she gathered her thoughts. She then described to me all that the bullet had done. She dwelt on things like how lucky I was that it had missed any major organs, that it had punctured holes in my pelvis instead of shattering it completely which lent hope that I may one day walk again, and that I was alive. I saw the sadness in her eyes as she told me of holding men's hands as they died with the names of the wives and family on their lips. "Every day I would live in fear that this would be you. Somewhere alone, with no way to tell you how much I loved you." Tears trailed down her cheeks, but as she looked at me again a small smile formed. "But I'm one of the lucky ones. I have you back."

I reached out to touch her face, longing to have that contact with her. I heard the words she didn't say. What if I never walked? What kind of damage was done to the organs the bullet did pass near? Would I be able to father another child? I voiced these concerns to her, and she brushed them all aside. "We have at least one child, Edward, and I have you back. It would be ungrateful of me to ask for more."

She pulled my mind from these topics with stories of Nessie. How her birth went and how everyone was smitten with her immediately. She told me of Mrs. Stanley making a comment that Nessie seemed to be a bit large, insinuating that perhaps Bella had misbehaved in some way. "I was so glad I was a week late! When she counted the months and came up with ten and a half there was simply no way for her to continue that little bit of gossip." Bella then said with a laugh, "See? I told you it was good that I didn't get pregnant right away! At least with her hair no one could doubt who the father was."

I laughed as she told me about Nessie's first word, first step, first tooth. I can't believe I had missed so many firsts in my daughter's short life. I knew she wouldn't remember me not being there, but it was something I would always know in my heart. When Bella told me that Nessie was able to get Jacob to do anything for her, that he was completely smitten and wrapped around her tiny finger, I envied him. I wanted to be the one she cuddled up to, relied on and made demands of. At the same time, my gratitude was great, for it was also an example that he had fulfilled his agreement to me to take care of them.

The morning wore on, and Sarah came to change the dressings on my wounds. I was quite surprised when she threw back the sheet and exposed me! Stuttering my embarrassment, both she and Bella laughed as I tried to grab at the cloth and recover myself. "Mr. Masen, sir. I assure you I have been tending to you for over a week now. There is nothing I haven't seen, why are you now blushing?" she teased me.

"Well, it wasn't while I was awake!" I groused. Surely the woman could leave me a little dignity. She laughed lightly and arranged the sheet so that only my wounds were uncovered then proceeded to dress them. I didn't know what shocked me more, that woman's blatant disregard of proprieties or Bella's acceptance of her actions! As soon as she had left the room I questioned Bella about this.

"Oh, Edward, I've given up so many of the niceties of society in the last few months that all I care about anymore is the well-being of my loved ones. I must be honest and say that nothing shocks me anymore. I hope that doesn't disgust you."

Disgust me? I'm the one that caused her to have to go through these horrors, and she was afraid she disgusted me? As I looked on her with new eyes I realized the strong woman she had become. I knew I had loved the strength of her character when we met. I had worshipped the quickness of her mind. I had reveled in the purity of her soul. But now I saw a woman before me that not only would, but could face down any trial that may beset her. And, she would do it with a smile on her face, love in her heart, and a kindness that was a testament to the strength of women. I had been concerned that I was going to be a burden to her, but she had shown me it was a burden she willingly shouldered and lovingly accepted. She exemplified my mother's words that the errand of angels was given to women. She was my angel.

I reached out my hand to her and she took it in her own. Pulling her close, I kissed her fingers, fingers that had grown rough with hard work. I opened her hand and kissed the calluses I found there, knowing the labor required to form them. I pulled her closer, trailing kisses up her arm as I lay in the makeshift bed, needing her to move to allow myself this worship of her body. The hand not holding hers reached out and wrapped around her neck, pulling her mouth to me. "Disgust me? Never. If anything, you have made me love you even more." With that I met her lips with my own and moaned at the contact I had missed for the last sixteen months of my life.

I savored her lips. I was sure the manna the Israelites had found in the wilderness could not have tasted as good. All I could think about was how I wanted to get well enough to love her properly again. I rejoiced when I heard a small moan from her own lips, thrilled that I still had this effect on her. I pulled her closer, wanting to feel her body on my own, disappointed that I could tell she was being careful with me. "How long?" I whispered against her lips.

"How long for what?" she panted back into my own.

"How long until I can make you mine again?" With that she stilled. A look of concern flitted across her visage. "What Bella? Why did you stop?"

"Edward, we don't know yet if that will ever be able to happen again. Carlisle made it clear to me that it was a possibility that it might not." I was crushed. I may never be able to make love to my wife again? But, that didn't mean she would never be able to achieve some release, I thought, remembering the times I had given that to her without ever being inside of her. I smiled at the memory of her crying my name as I touched her intimately and looked up at her in time to see a blush set fire to her face. Apparently she was thinking of the same thing.

"Well, Bella, I promise to make sure that you will at least never feel too much of a loss."

If possible, I think her face grew even redder. "We'll worry about that when the time comes."

I trailed my hand down from her hair, over her arm and onto her hip, gripping it tightly. "And has the time come?"

She threw her head back and laughed! "Edward, I seriously doubt you have the energy to test that out yet. Besides, you need to rest and use all your stamina for healing. I've made it through sixteen months without your touch; I can survive another six weeks until you've healed."

The time of my healing seemed to drag. I was forever on that infernal bed! If I had thought Sarah's complete unashamedness with my nudity had been embarrassing, it was nothing in comparison to the first time I had need of the chamber pot. Jacob and Jasper both had to hold me, and then Bella cleaned me afterwards. It was complete and utter humiliation! But like much else, I became inured to it with experience. I decided that if Bella could handle something without batting an eye, then so could I.

The time wasn't so bad when Bella would read to me. Once again we had found the time to discuss literature, politics, philosophy and law. There was a library in the house that we made quick work of. It took prodding, but eventually the entire story of their travels came out. I was concerned when Jacob promised me that his tribe would be exacting retribution from those who had desecrated my sister's hair. I hoped that wouldn't bring war closer to home.

I also spent as much time as possible becoming acquainted with my daughter. I swear I could see her grow! Her mind was as quick as her mother's and I soon learned the meaning of her babblings. The first time Bella had held her near me she had fussed, so I began to hum the lullaby I had sung to her while Bella was pregnant with her. She calmed right down, and from that point forward would come to me whenever she wanted reassurance and calming. After a week she had taken to climbing on the bed, careful to avoid my wounds and laying her head on my shoulder to nap.

The nights were what tore my soul asunder. The pain I could bear. Having to watch my wife sleep away from me I could tolerate. Knowing I might be an invalid for the rest of my life concerned me. But it was my dreams that tormented me. At times I would wake panting, covered in sweat as I barely remembered what was happening in them. Other dreams I could remember, all too horrifically well. What had me also concerned is that sometimes small noises would make me start and I would find myself reaching for a knife or gun that wasn't there. One time this happened, my eye caught Jasper's and I could tell he was suffering the same as I.

One afternoon he was sitting with me as Bella attended to Nessie and he brought it up. We started with talk of battles we had seen. It progressed into atrocities we had witnessed and into how the war, even now that we were in a place of safety and security, was invading our consciousness. It didn't matter if we were asleep or awake, we would find ourselves panting, panicked, and reaching for a weapon. We agreed that we didn't want to burden the others with our horrors and that we would seek each other out to talk if they became too much.

It had been six weeks when I realized I was able to sit up on my own without a great deal of pain. During this time Carlisle had come home to his house and we had gotten to know one another. He had checked both Jasper and my wounds and pronounced that we were healing well. Crutches were fashioned for me and I began the laborious task of learning to walk again. I was immensely grateful now for the countless hours I had spent working in the fields followed by my time wielding a cutlass for it gave me the strength to negotiate the crutches with relative ease.

It was the beginning of November when Jasper came to me and asked for Alice's hand in marriage. "I would ask this of your father," he had said, "but I quite honestly don't want to wait that long. I would like to wed her before spring so that we are married on our journey back to your home." I knew that he had nothing to offer Alice except his love. His parents had died young, leaving him relatively penniless. He had no income, no home, and no financial support since he was now, technically, a prisoner of war. However, I had seen the look in their eyes as they gazed on each other. I had witnessed the kindness they shared. Still, I wanted to be sure, so I requested the opportunity to speak with Alice.

"You know I don't care about those things, Edward," she answered me when I asked her about my concerns. "Besides, you owe me happiness. He brings me this. If I have ever been a kind and loving sister, then please grant me this one wish." How could I deny her? They were married a week later with me standing up with Jasper and Bella with Alice. It was a simple and quiet affair, only attended by those residing in the house. I had dispatched a quick note to our parents informing them of the match.

November was drawing to a close the first time I attempted to be intimate with Bella. I didn't have full strength in my hips yet, but felt this was something that I desperately wanted and needed. I knew she felt the same. I was finally well enough to climb the stairs to a bedroom the Cullens had set aside for our use. It was comfortable, large enough to contain a crib for Nessie as well as an armoire and a bed. Bella and I had spent time touching and kissing when we were able, but nothing more had been attempted.

The first night we were alone together in a bed, with Nessie sleeping nearby, I drew Bella in close to me and began to kiss her. My hands traveled down her back, stroking and touching all the places I remembered that she had enjoyed. I heard her quiet moans which only served to spur me on. I lowered myself to be even with the bottom of her nightdress and began to trail it up slowly, leaving kisses on the skin I exposed. Reaching underneath I undid her knickers and was thrilled when she lifted her hips to make it easier for me to remove them. I continued my journey up her body, stopping at her sex to place kisses there as my hands continued to push up her nightdress.

I could smell and taste her desire, and as I began to knead at her breasts I leaned in to lick lightly of her arousal. She quickly turned her head and moaned loudly into her pillow, trying to muffle the sound. Leaning down on my elbow, I spread her folds and went in for another taste. It was her, the same as her kisses, only stronger. I now understood why Emmett had suggested this activity so long ago; I wasn't sure who was enjoying it more.

Her panting increased with her moans as I began to suck on her little nub. Her nipples were hard against my palm as I worked her, relishing in her taste. Her sounds and movements only caused me to want to give her more. More pleasure, more passion, more love. I longed to be inside her once again, but waited until I heard and felt her release rip through her body. She was calling my name, grabbing onto my shoulders in an attempt to pull me up, begging me to enter her.

I kissed my way up her body, continuing to push the nightdress further and further over her until she threw it off of her body. I leaned in, teasing her lips with my own, desire pulsing through me with every heartbeat. How I had missed being with her this way! How I had missed the sounds she made, the way she moved, the completeness I felt when I was sheathed within her. I was desperate now to feel that last and so reached down to guide myself into her entrance. Only, I wasn't ready. In fact, I had barely begun to grow erect at all! I tried to stroke myself to encourage it to respond, but there was nothing.

Panic began to set in. How could I make love to my wife if I couldn't even get my body to respond? I wanted this, wanted her! Her cries for me were beginning to diminish as she realized I was taking too long. She trailed her hand down my abdomen, something that used to send me hard in seconds, but even that wasn't having an effect. When she reached my flaccid member her eyes shot up to mine. "Edward?" she whispered.

"Um, I think I have a problem," I answered her, and then fell to my back in frustration.

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Story rec: Recapitulation by wickedcicada! Give bug some love!