Chapter 21- The storm
You see dozens of patients everyday and although you'd like to say that each one is special, the truth is that most of them are out of your life the moment you discharge them. But it's not always the case.
Kathleen Ambrose is an adorable 11 years-old girl. She comes in the ER because she fainted at school but you soon find that the real problem is her heart. She has severe congestive heart failure and she's dying.
You manage to push her to the level 1 of the UNOS list but there are no compatible hearts. You call some hospitals but the fact that she's still a kid narrows her chances.
While she waits she keeps on drawing pictures for you and the nurses and she's so optimistic and full of life… You really hope she'll pull through. Her parents are very nice people, keep thanking you for what you're doing. You wish you could do more.
"How she's doing?", Susan asks as she places some charts next to you, on the counter.
"She's okay for now. Time's running out… I wish I could do something", you sigh.
"You're doing your best. But you have to keep an eye on the big picture. You have other patients that need you. Go, I'll make a few phone calls and I'll let you know if we get something…".
You nod at her and take a few charts with you. After examining your patients you take a detour to the trauma room to see how she's doing. She's asleep but the heart monitor tells you she's not improving.
At the nurses' station, Susan's on the phone and waves at you.
"I got a perfect match!", she mouths at you.
"Really? When do we get it?".
Susan listens and sighs, "It's in Iowa, they're still trying to find the parents to sign consent…".
It's better than nothing, you think. Maybe Kathleen will make it.
A couple of hours later, the chopper's on the way with Kathleen's new heart. You send her to pre-op and you flag down Corday when you see her. You present her the case.
"I'd like you to do it…".
"I'm afraid I can't, Abby. I've got a feocromocytoma in half an hour… But the transplant team is ready".
Elizabeth tells you to talk to Kayson, since he's the head of Cardiology. You call upstairs and they tell you he's not on call. You ask for his personal contact, his assistant tells you that he "doesn't like to be bothered on his day off". You explain the case again and again, until she surrenders and gives you his home number. When you finally get to speak to him, he's so rude and arrogant that you just want to scream and tell him to get his ass in the hospital.
Instead, you try to smooth him, saying that he's the best cardiologist in town and that no one but he can do the surgery. You hate yourself for kissing his ass, but he finally agrees so it's worth the humiliation.
When he arrives, charging down the hall, he scolds Susan for not "keeping a short leash on her residents" and gives you a look of disdain while grabbing the chart from your hand.
You and she go to the pre-op room talk to Kathleen and her parents who thank you and hug you with tears in their eyes. You remind them that the surgery has its risks, but they thank you nonetheless for "giving her another chance".
When the nurses take them, Susan turns to you, smiling "You did a great job! I'm proud of you…".
You don't really think before pulling Susan to you by her stethoscope and you kiss her right there. She smiles against your lips and lays a hand behind your neck, deepening the kiss.
The smack of the door opening startles you both and you see Susan's face draining to white. You don't even turn around, your body doesn't respond. You just stay there, staring at the floor.
You shudder when you hear Kayson's voice "I need your signature".
Susan takes the chart in her hand. She's shaking. She signs her name, gives it back to him "Dr Kayson, I…", he cuts her off before she can even finish the sentence.
"Spare your words, Dr Lewis. You'll need them later", he declares icily before leaving you both shaking and in shock.
Risk Management sends a lawyer to talk to you. He asks if Susan sexually harassed you, if she made any "inappropriate suggestions". You shoot him a disgusted look, deny and try not to give him too much information. He tells you that you don't have to worry, that the regulations protect you. You ask about Susan, what will happen to her. He tells you not to think about it.
On your break, you find her in her office. She looks tired, she probably didn't get much sleep in the last few days. You know you didn't.
Susan tells you how Kayson reported the situation to the Board and how the trustees want her head.
"Kerry stood by me, Kayson wanted me to be immediately demoted…", she sighs heavily.
"What's going to happen?", you ask.
"I don't know… I'm meeting Kerry in an hour…", she lays her head in her hands. You sit next to her and hold her in silence. You don't know what to say. You don't even know what to think.
You finish your shift and go home. You chain smoke while you wait for her to arrive and tell you what they decided on the meeting.
She looks upset when she arrives.
You sit next to her, stroke her hand "How did it go?".
She sighs "Good news is I'll keep my position. Bad news, there's an investigation already going on. This is so humiliating… They're asking all the females if I propositioned to them! They weren't glad that Kerry knew, but the fact that she supervised your evaluation helped. She's positive everything will blow over after the investigation…", she shrugs.
"So they're interrogating everyone?", you ask, startled.
"Looks like it…".
"Everyone will know, then…". You're in panic. You can picture everyone laughing at you by the front desk, making bets and telling jokes about you and her. Oh, god…
"By now, everyone must know… There's no secrets at County…", Susan sighs, stroking her forehead.
You look at her. She doesn't seem so nervous or, at least, not freaked out like you are.
"You're okay with that?", you frown.
"With what?".
"With everyone knowing about us!", you say, exasperated.
"What can we do, now? Besides, it's not anyone's business!", she tries to reassure you.
"Don't you remember when Weaver came out? The jokes, the rumors? I don't want that for me! I don't want to go to work everyday knowing that everyone's laughing behind my back!".
"Look Abby, if things get too tough, I know people in other hospitals in the city, we might transfer your residency, I don't know…" she trails off.
"What?! You want me to give up my job?". She must be kidding.
"No… I'm sorry, it didn't come out right…", she shakes her head.
"No, I understand! Now that your job is safe, everything is ok…", you scoff.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean that! We know it's going to be hard at first…".
You shake your head, look at her "I can't do this, Susan".
"What?", she looks at you, clueless.
"I can't. I can't go to work knowing that everyone knows…".
She interrupts you "Forget about them! It's us that count! We have each other, we'll be okay!", she holds your hand, you don't look her in the eye.
"I'm sorry, Susan… I can't".
She cups your chin to make you look at her, those beautiful green eyes on you "Are you breaking up with me?".
The humming of the refrigerator breaks the silence.
You look down at your feet "I'm sorry…".
"Look at me, Abby! Don't do this! Please don't do this!", she pleads you with her eyes. You feel your heart pumping hard in your ears, your mouth is dry.
"I'm not strong enough to handle the prejudice and discrimination, people looking at us like we are freaks! I can't come out and stand for something that I don't even believe in, Susan! I don't feel gay! I'm not… I'm straight…", you stammer, not even sure what your point is.
"Forget about labels! Forget about people! We're happy together, isn't that what should matter?", she smiles.
"It's easy for you to say… You're the chief, no one's going to say anything in front of you".
"But everyone already knows…".
"It's only a rumor until there's proof…".
She's crying now, embraces you, tries to make you look at her.
"Come on, Abby! I know you love me! You said it to me the other night on this couch when we were making love! You said you wanted to spend the rest of your life in my arms, you said…".
You stop her and pull out of her arms, stand up "Stop Susan! It's already hard enough…". You feel tears rolling down you cheeks, you turn your back to her, you don't want her to see you crying. You hate to cry in front of people. It's embarrassing.
"Abby, listen… I'm going to hand Weaver my notice, tomorrow, first thing in the morning. We'll decide what to do, the two of us, okay? Pratt's your supervisor, so there aren't no legal restrictions for us…".
You turn around "Don't do that. I don't want you do give up on your position for me. We… We got carried away… This will never work, you know that".
You don't believe in any of your words.
Neither does she.
"We can try! I want to try!".
She sighs and lifts your chin "Then look into my eyes and tell me you don't love me and this never happened!".
You stay silent. You can't say that. It's not true.
"Abby. If I walk out of that door, there's no turning back." She never looked so serious.
A tear runs down your cheek.
Her eyes are glued on yours with expectancy.
"I'm sorry, Susan…", you mumble.
She lets go of you, her eyes are filled with pain and disappointment. She stands there for a moment looking at you, waiting for you to say something.
Finally she turns around, grips her purse and you watch her walking out of the door.
And out of your life.