Title: In Your Eyes

Authors: Raven Shadowrose/BeethovenRIP

Rating: M

Pairing: ?/?

Summary: A joint FanFic by Raven Shadowrose and BeethovenRIP based on Dixie and Jeff's conversation at the end of Series 26 Episode 36. We have rated it M as future chapters will contain adult themes. Dixie wants to be a mother and Jeff is all too willing to oblige, but, does their conversation in the ED have an unexpected effect on their relationship?

Disclaimer: The authors do not know or own any characters or content from Casualty, any original characters and the story are ours and we do not give permission for anyone to use the story or reproduce it.

Author's Note: Thank you to chan. nelson4444, olivia. c. king1 Carlykinz for your reviews, we like reading them. Enjoy...

Chapter Twenty-One.

ONE MESSAGE RECEIVED
SENDER : DIXIE COLLIER
MESSAGE : Change to the rotas today, Ally & Will, Jeff & Stevie, Norman & me.

Jeff stared at his phone in amazement, he knew Dixie needed some time after their argument at home but pairing him with someone else for the day was one step too far. The fact she had told him by text was another thing, that one action spoke volumes to him and he was not happy. He knew he had said some hurtful things to Dixie, but, so had she to him. He had brought Cyd into it and she had brought his children into it. It didn't stop him feeling guilty about raising his hand to her; he could still see the absolute fear in her eyes as his hand got closer to her face. Her beautiful face, how could I even think about hurting her beautiful face? Jeff took a few deep breaths, he needed to see Dixie and talk to her, he couldn't go a whole 12 hour shift without speaking to her.

ONE MESSAGE RECEIVED
SENDER: DIXIE COLLIER
MESSAGE: Your performance appraisal is at 1pm with Jason.
Jeff stared at his phone once again, was she really only communicating with him via text message today? This had to stop and it had to stop right now, Jeff always hated it when they fought. He knew she was punishing him, he could understand it for raising his hand to her, but, he wasn't going to let her punish him for something he didn't do. He placed his phone back into his pocket before storming off in the direction of his wife's office. He was going to have this out with her no matter what.

Dixie held her head in her hands; she couldn't face Jeff after this morning. She was hurting so much that she needed some space from him. Dixie continued to replay his rejection, his harsh words about Cyd and the fact that she was so close to getting a hiding from him in her head tears flowing freely from her eyes. She had given Jeff everything she had and this is how it ended up. 'You bloody coward, you couldn't even tell me face to face. What sort of person does that?' Jeff ranted slamming the door shut behind him making Dixie jump looking up into his eyes. 'Someone who is hurting.' She replied quietly. Jeff looked into her eyes, those lovely deep blue eyes he thought. He could see she was hurting and he knew he had caused that, but, she didn't believe him. He wanted to apologise for what he said and hold her tight but he was cross with her cowardice.

Dixie continued to look at her husband; she could sense he was cross. Was he not hurting as well? She couldn't understand why he hadn't taken her into his arms and held her tightly. Why hasn't he told me he loves me? Jeff's silence spoke volumes, he doesn't want me any more. Dixie's heart was being torn apart, her worst fears were becoming a reality, Jeff promised her that they wouldn't break up, that nothing would topple their friendship if they entered into a relationship, he lied. Dixie got up from her chair walking around her desk to the door, she wanted to get out and start work, but, Jeff was blocking her path. 'Excuse me please' Dixie said, she couldn't believe how much she was shaking. 'No, we need to talk.' Jeff returned rather coldly.
'I don't think there is anything else to say.'
'There is so much we need to say Dix. I am telling you the truth Princess, I pushed her away.'
'You are just saying that.'
'Why don't you believe me? Do I not mean anything to you?' Jeff had raised his voice slightly, Dixie was being stubborn and silly, he knew in his heart of hearts he pushed Tamzin away and told her he only wanted Dixie. He couldn't understand, after everything they had been through over the years, that Dixie didn't believe him.

'YOU MEAN THE WORLD TO ME JEFF COLLIER, THAT'S WHY I AM HURTING SO BLOODY MUCH RIGHT NOW. YOU TOLD ME I WAS BEAUTIFUL, THE ONLY ONE FOR YOU, THAT YOU WOULD NEVER HURT ME OR LEAVE ME AND YOU BROKE THOSE PROMISES TO ME. YOU DROPPED ME THE SECOND SOMEONE YOUNGER CAME ALONG.' Dixie shouted at her husband, tears visibly flowing freely down her face, she made no attempt to stop them or wipe them away, she was hurting. Dixie wanted so much to believe Jeff was telling the truth, but, Tamzin was right, once a man cheats he does it again and again. Dixie thought she was a fool for believing Jeff in the first place. 'DIX, HOW MANY MORE BLOODY TIMES DO I NEED TO TELL YOU, I PUSHED HER AWAY, I REJECTED HER.' Dixie looked up into his eyes, she really didn't know what to think or say, all she knew was that this wasn't the time or the place. She needed to compose herself before heading out to find Norman, Jeff had brought their personal life into work once before and it ended up with them being the talk of the station, she didn't want that happening again. 'We have a job to do Jeff.' Dixie said as calmly as she could moving once more to leave her office 'I DON'T FUCKING CARE, WE ARE GOING TO TALK AND WE ARE GOING TO DO IT NOW.'
'YOU ARE BEING UNPROFESSIONAL JEFFREY.'
'HA, YOU HAVE SOME BLOODY NERVE WOMAN YOU REALLY DO. YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO CALL ME UNPROFESSIONAL, YOU ARE SUCH A HYPOCRITE.'
'WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT? I AM A BLOODY PROFESSIONAL JEFFREY.'
'REALLY? YOU CERTAINLY FOOLED ME THEN. LET ME SEE, YOU ARE SO BLOODY PROFESSIONAL THAT YOU KISSED ME HARD IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STATION, SCREWED ME IN THE BACK OF THE AMBULANCE MID SHIFT. SHALL I CARRY ON? I THINK SO, REMEMBER SAMMY MALONE, THE KID YOU MOWED DOWN BECAUSE YOU WERE NOT PAYING ATTENTION. SO, YOU HAVE NO FUCKING RIGHT TO LECTURE ME ON PROFESSIONALISM DO YOU?'
'Stop it Jeffrey.' Dixie said, voice barely whispering but shaking uncontrollably.
'Touched a nerve have I?' Jeff retorted looking down at his wife who was now staring at the floor.
'PLEASE JUST STOP IT JEFF'
'Why? You were more than willing to throw hurtful comments at me this morning, more than willing not to believe me, why the fuck should I stop?' Jeff continued to shout at his wife, his anger was consuming him that he failed to see what he was doing to her and the fact that Norman was stood outside witnessing this whole outburst. None of this stopped him, he carried on. 'You know what Dix; maybe I should have kissed her back and fucked her. Like she said, she probably could pleasure me in ways you couldn't and go for a hell of a lot longer than you do.' Dixie's eyes met his instantly, hurt and shock clearly written on her face, had he really said that?

Jeff stared at his wife who had crumbled in front of him, guilt started to consume him once more. For the second time that morning he had said several hurtful things to the person he loves more than life itself. 'I gave you everything Jeff, absolutely everything. You evil, nasty, thoughtless shit Jeffrey Collier. I obviously mean nothing to you any more, so, sod off to her, screw her then as I clearly don't do it for you any more.'
'Maybe I just will then.' Jeff spat as he left Dixie standing in her office storming straight passed Norman who backed away quickly not wanting Jeff to know he had heard absolutely everything.

Norman was a sweet man, not many people could stand working a whole 12 hour shift with him, but Dixie could. He never understood their relationship when he first started working at Holby, he can remember trying to work it out. He had seen them grow as a couple since they started sleeping with each other and he was happy for them, Dixie seemed happier, he couldn't stand to see her upset. Dixie was his boss, his friend, he was determined to help her through this with Jeff and get them to see sense sooner rather than later. Dixie didn't know how long she had been standing there before she heard a light knock on her door. Time had stood still, Jeff's words hung around the room repeating themselves to her over and over again. 'Dix, are you okay?' Norman asked sympathetically. Dixie didn't answer Norman; she just didn't know what to say. Norman sensed she was struggling so gingerly walked up to her taking her into his arms holding her tight as she cried into his shoulder. He wasn't Jeff but she needed to be held right now and if Jeff no longer loved her, Norman would always be there to comfort her. Never in her wildest dreams did Dixie think she would be seeking comfort from the walking Wikipedia that is Norman.

Jeff and Dixie did a pretty good job of avoiding each other for the entirety of their shift, Norman made sure their paths never crossed. As the day progressed, Jeff continued to replay his harsh words to Dixie over in his head. He couldn't believe he had told her he would go and sleep with Tamzin, that he had brought up the whole Sammy Malone incident to hurt her even more. Every time her ambulance arrived back in the station, Jeff would glance over to see Norman helping her out and holding her close to him, Dixie was really hurting. It upset Jeff greatly that Norman was comforting his wife, it should have been him who held Dixie close to him, but after what he said, Jeff felt guilty. I don't deserve her, he thought to himself.

The end of the shift came, Jeff looked on as Dixie walked out if the ambulance bay with her head down. He could tell she was gravely upset and he knew his words caused that. Jeff didn't fancy going home just yet, he knew Dixie needed some time and so did he. Jeff needed to think of what he was going to do to make it up to her but short of Tamzin telling Dixie the truth, he was out of ideas.

Jeff soon found himself alone in the corner of the pub staring at his glass of coke thinking about Dixie and what she was doing right now. He wouldn't blame her if she was packing up his stuff to throw him out, but, he hoped she wasn't. No one came over to talk to him; everyone kept their distance, apart from Norman. 'Jeff may I join you?'
'Are you sure you want to after what I have done?'
'I know I don't really have much of an authority on marriages and relationships, but, I can see how much you two need each other.'
'You didn't hear what I said to her.'
'I did Jeff, what you said to her was unacceptable, how you left her was unacceptable, but, you need to make this right for all our sakes Jeff. Go home, be with her, hold her close and tell her you love her.' Jeff nodded at Norman, he was indeed a sweet man and he was glad he was there to comfort Dixie; Jeff wouldn't trust her with anyone else.
'Thanks for being there for her today Norm. I appreciate it.' Norman raised a small smile as Jeff drank the contents of his glass before leaving the pub heading home to his Dixie.

Dixie lay in her bed hugging the pillows that Jeff normally would use; she could still smell his scent on them. She looked around her room, Jeff had left some of his belongings in there from the night before, she continued to hold the pillows tight to her as she cried into them. She barely heard the front door close and Jeff's footsteps on the stairs, but, she could feel his presence outside her bedroom door, she knew he was there.

Jeff stood outside her bedroom, he knew she was in there as the rest of the house was quiet and his own room was empty. He was relieved his bags were not packed, but was so ashamed of himself and his actions today that he knew Dixie would not welcome him back into her bed. Jeff rested his forehead against the wooden door bringing his left hand up slightly as he put more of his weight on the door. He looked over at his wedding ring and wondered if Dixie was still wearing hers. Dixie stood the other side of the door; she had shuffled quietly out of bed clinging onto Jeff's T Shirt as she mirrored her husband's position. She remained silent, she wanted so much for him to open the door and hold her close. After a few seconds, it was obvious he wasn't going to do that, Dixie felt rejected again moving away from the door climbing back into her bed burying her head in his pillows once more.

Once again, if only she had stayed there for a few more seconds, she would have heard Jeff talk to her. 'My Dixie, my beautiful Dixie, I am so sorry Princess for the things I said to you. You mean the world to me, you are my everything. I love you so much; words will never describe how much of a shit I feel right now for hurting you. Dixie, my Dixie, please forgive me.' Jeff felt tears falling down his face as he talked to the door, 'Sleep well my Princess.' And, with that, he slowly walked into his own room and into his own bed where he would spend the night alone, no Dixie by his side to cuddle up to and hold. Like his wife, Jeff grabbed the pillows that Dixie would have used, crying into them.