"So how do you know Jude?" the bartender, Bobbi, asks Tommy as she pours him another drink during the set change before Jude and Mack perform.
"Uh… From G Major, her label in Toronto. I was her producer."
"I see," she says, sliding the glass to him. "And you two were…"
Tommy raises his eyebrows. "Friends."
She seems skeptical, but doesn't push it. "Well, she's a great talent, that one."
He smiles. "Yeah, she really is."
Bobbi raises an eyebrow. "Friends?" she asks, laughter in her voice.
Jesus, he thinks. Is it really that obvious? He just frowns, taking a drink and turning back to the stage where Jude, Mack, and three guys he knows must be Jude's back-up band are getting ready to perform. He worries suddenly that the duet will be a love song. He's not sure he wants to watch that, not sure he's ready to handle watching Jude sing an emotional duet with her boyfriend, but as Jude steps up to the microphone, she puts on a large pair of round, purple-tinted glasses.
"I like that look for you." Mack says into the microphone, and Jude grins and poses with her chin on her hand as the audience, including Tommy, laughs. "Anyway," Mack says to the audience, "I'm Macklin Mackenzie, this force of nature is Jude Harrison, and this is Boogie Love." He smiles at Jude and cues the drummer.
The song is energetic and fun, almost silly. Tommy can't deny that Jude and Mack have awesome onstage chemistry. More than that, though, he can tell Mack makes her happy. Her big smile isn't her acting, it's genuine. As she sings, Mack makes faces at her, making her laugh in the middle of a verse, and Tommy can tell it isn't rehearsed. A memory comes to him from a lifetime ago, Jude in the studio singing while standing on her head, laughing and crying "stop it!" as he tickled her feet. It's been a long time since he's seen Jude this happy and carefree, and not just because he hasn't seen her in a year. When they were together it was all either flirting, innuendos that were oftentimes over-the-top in order to cover real feelings, or it was guilt about Jamie and Lorena. He's never really made her happy. Not like this. His chest aches at the thought, but he tries to just enjoy the show and not think about it.
When the song finishes, Mack grabs a drink of water and Jude says, into the mic, "Thank you very much to my one true love, Macklin Mackenzie, who's going on tour this week! Don't know what I'm gonna do without you, Kenz." The small audience applauds again, some people laughing, others letting out "aww"s as Jude and Mack hug. Tommy looks away, taking another drink.
Mack leaves the stage, and Jude does a couple of songs with her band. As usual, Jude is magic when she performs. Both of the songs, "The Music" and "Higher Ground", have lyrics that tell a story of moving on and finding herself again, and it makes him smile. He knows the fallout from their affair was worse for her than it was for him, and she deserves to be happy, to be in a place where she can spread her wings surrounded by people who love her.
As her third song is starting, Tommy hears a voice from next to him say, "She's incredible, right?"
He turns to see Mack standing there, smiling at Jude. "Yeah," Tommy agrees. "Always has been."
Mack looks at him. "She said you taught her everything she knows."
Tommy laughs, surprised. "Did she?"
"And she'd kill me for telling you that," Mack adds with a grin. "Oops."
Tommy shakes his head. "Well anyway, no, I didn't. About producing, maybe, but she's a natural musician, and a better lyricist than I ever have been." He turns back to the stage, watching Jude.
When the song is finished, Mack turns to Tommy and says, "Well, I'm heading home. There's a lot I have to do before tour. But it was good to finally meet you, Tom. Jude's told me… a lot about you."
He reaches out a hand, and Tommy shakes it. He thinks of the way Mack reacted when Jude said his name, and says, "When you say a lot…"
Mack nods. "She told me what happened with the two of you. I think I'm the only one she told, but yeah."
Tommy purses his lips. "It was complicated."
"Hey, no judgement." Mack shrugs. "And you know, she doesn't blame you."
Tommy sighs and shakes his head. "She should." He's not sure why he's even letting this conversation continue. But in spite of everything, he likes Mack, who clearly cares about Jude. "Can I ask you something?" he asks, and Mack nods. "Is she…" he looks over at Jude, who's moving a mic in front of the keyboard, then back to Mack. "Is she happy?"
Mack smiles. "Yeah, I think so. It took her a while to get there, but now she's doing really well, I think. Making great music, good friends… So yes, I'd say she's happy, yeah."
Tommy nods slowly, then smiles. "That's good. I'm really glad. Anyway," he reaches out to shake Mack's hand again, "it was nice to meet you. And have a great tour. Your first?"
"Yep," he answers with a grin as he puts on his coat. "Any advice?"
The phrase the first rule of the road pops into Tommy's head, and he frowns. He fights the urge to say don't you dare hurt her, because it's not his place, and anyway, he's one to talk. Instead he says, "I guess… tour is crazy. The lifestyle, the hours, meeting tons of people… It's a lot of fun, and a lot of work, but mostly it's… if you let it, it can be kind of all-consuming. Don't let it make you forget that you have people at home, you know? There's life outside the tour bus, and when you forget that you make a lot of stupid decisions."
Mack frowns and tilts his head, looking confused, but when he opens his mouth to respond, Jude speaks into the mic again, saying, "Give it up for my awesome band!"
As the crowd applauds, Mack says, "Alright, thanks. I'll remember that. See you 'round, Tom," and walks out.
Tommy turns back to the stage, where Jude is sitting down behind the keyboard and the band is leaving the stage. She looks more serious now, and she takes a deep breath before she speaks again. "This last song I wasn't really planning to do tonight. It's something I wrote a long time ago, before I came to London, and, um… I've never been able to show it to anyone before now. But I've been thinking of it, uh, today, and… yeah. This is 'Gravity'." She takes another deep breath and starts to play.
Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long
No matter what I say or do
I'll still feel you here
'til the moment I'm gone
The song is slow and clearly intensely personal. The audience quiets, and Jude's voice fills the room, clear and strong and beautiful. He almost feels like he's being drawn forward, like he's being pulled towards the stage by some invisible force.
You hold me without touch
You keep me without chains
I never wanted anything so much
Than to drown in your love
And not feel your rain
Set me free, leave me be
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall
Just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're on to me and all over me
Her eyes find him in the crowd as he walks toward her. She looks sad, and her expression is familiar. It's the same look she got when they were together and something would remind her of Jamie, the same as when she said "I can't keep doing this." Her gaze flickers away again, back to the music in front of her.
You loved me 'cause I'm fragile
When I thought that I was strong
But you touch me for a little while
And all my fragile strength is gone
A memory hits him like a freight train. Jude on her 19th birthday, more than a tinge of desperation in her voice, breathing, "I'm not strong enough to stay away from you." It's been a long time since he's felt this guilt so strongly, a heavy weight in the pit of his stomach. He gets another glimpse of how hard it was on her, being with him, how it turned her into someone she's not. And it was all his fault.
I live here on my knees
As I try to make you see that you're
Everything I think I need
Here on the ground
But you're neither friend nor foe
Though I can't seem to let you go
The one thing that I still know
Is that you're keeping me down
You're on to me
On to me
And all over
Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long
She looks back at him as she sings the last line, and she holds his gaze as the last note fades. When it does, she looks down for a moment. Then she takes her hands off the keys and smiles out at the audience as people start to applaud, and he can breathe again.
Before he can talk himself out of it, he walks up onto the stage. Jude looks at him in surprise, raising her eyebrows questioningly and pointing to the keyboard. He nods, and her face breaks into a smile. "So we're going to have one more song tonight, from my good friend and former producer, the one and only Little Tommy Q." She winks at him and he makes a show of rolling his eyes and shaking his head at her, which makes her laugh as the dwindling audience applauds.
He takes her place at the keyboard, adjusting the mic for his height and saying, "So, hey, the name's Tom Quincy, don't you ever call me Little Tommy Q." He shoots Jude, who's sitting at a table in front of the stage, a faux-stern look. "Harrison." He says her name in a low voice, and a few people laugh, including Jude. He smiles. "And this song is 'New Ceremony.'" It's one of many songs he wrote about Jude and never showed her, the one inspired by her comment to him on a day they got together while Lorena was out of town.
Shine a little light,
Don't wrestle with the night,
Don't think about the future.
I know it's gotta stop, love, but I don't know how.
He looks at her as he sings it, the words bringing back that feeling of so desperately trying to block out the reality when they were together, to just forget that she wasn't his, that it was wrong, and just be with her. Don't think about the future.
My little one, my kettle drum
(I know I had a message at the start)
My babel tongue, my come undone
(I know I had a message at the start)
My prison kiss, my dying wish
I know I had a message at the start
But it up and abandoned us,
While we were sleeping in our beds
He puts that desperation into his singing, and his voice very nearly breaks on "my come undone." Jude looks like she's going to cry.
I know it's gotta stop, love, but I don't know how.
There's a moment after the song ends and before anyone applauds. His eyes are locked on Jude's and everything just hangs there, frozen, for what seems an impossibly long time. He thinks of whispering "choose me now," and then the moment shatters again.
People clap, and Jude discreetly wipes a few tears from her cheeks as she comes quickly up on stage, smiling and speaking into one of the other microphones. "Well that's a wrap on this one, guys. Thank you so much to Tommy, and to everyone who performed tonight, and to Bobbi for having us. And an extra special thank you to all of you who came and listened. You guys make these concerts super fun to do. Have an awesome night." She blows a kiss to the crowd and then they both leave the stage amidst scattered applause.
She turns to him and says, "drink?" and he shrugs and follows her to the bar. Jude doesn't say anything, just holds up two fingers to Bobbi, who nods and pours two shots of a mixture he can't identify. Jude drinks one of them, then holds the other one out to him. He hesitates, raising an eyebrow at her. She snorts and says, "Live a little, Quincy."
He's already feeling a little unsteady from the other drinks combined with the jet lag, but he takes the shot from her and says "cheers" before tossing the drink back. It's both sweet and hot, tasting like cinnamon and something else he can't place. When Jude flags the bartender down again, he says, "No, no."
"For me," she laughs as Bobbi pours one more shot. Jude smiles and says, "Thanks Bob'." before downing it.
"You have a ritual here," Tommy laughs as Jude takes a drink from the water bottle in her hand.
"Yeah." She nods. "I have a few of them, I guess. Maybe that's how you know when somewhere's becoming home." Tommy just says "hmm" and they both sit down at the bar. "That song was… wow," she says after a minute. "When did you write it?"
"Thanks. And uh… I guess about a year and a half ago. A little less. It would've been late November-ish. Before you came back to G Major for the single. Yours?"
She doesn't have to ask which he means. "Started it when you were in New Brunswick." She sighs. "Came back to it just before my birthday."
"Well, it was incredible. It all was, your music. You tore the roof off, girl."
"Thank you," she says with a smile. He finds himself wanting to reach out and touch her cheek, brush the hair out of her face, put a hand on the side of her neck. His fingers ache to feel her skin, and he's close to reaching out when a guy comes up behind Jude and puts a hand on her shoulder. She introduces him as her guitarist, then calls across the room to the two other members of her back-up band. Tommy knows the shot was a mistake when their names slip from his brain as soon as Jude says them.
When it's just him and Jude again, talking about music, he's finding it increasingly impossible to concentrate. His thoughts are slippery, jet lag and alcohol and exhaustion hitting him hard. As she talks, all he can focus on is her lips, on how amazing it would feel to kiss her. Dangerous, he thinks.
He didn't expect this. He knew he still cared for her, would always care for her, but he didn't expect that even after more than a year all of his feelings for her would come rushing back at full force. And now he's drunk, and she's beautiful and brilliant and taken. He can still read her, open book that she is, especially because she's more than a little tipsy, so he knows by the look in her eyes that she's feeling the same things he is, at least to some extent.
You touch me for a little while, and all my fragile strength is gone.
It's dangerous. They're dangerous together. She has a boyfriend she loves, someone who makes her happy, and there are no words for how monumentally selfish it would be for him to try anything that would risk that. Again. So he won't act on these thoughts, can never act on them.
But God, she's so beautiful, and her laugh makes something inside his chest resonate like a violin string. He's not even thinking of sex. It's not about that. He just wants to reach out and touch her face, kiss her soft and sweet and slow. He wants to wake up every morning to the sight of her bedhead and whisper in her ear that he loves her, will always love her. He can't even be thinking these things. It's all so wrong, but the walls inside him are down temporarily and he can't stop the flood.
Eventually he says, "I'm going to have to call it, girl, I'm…" He waves a hand in front of his face, unable to find a word.
"What?" Jude teases, "Never pegged you for a lightweight, Quincy."
"Hey!" he protests. "I am not a lightweight, excuse me. It's… I've been up since 6 AM on four hours of sleep, okay? Normally I could drink you under the table, Harrison, don't test me."
"I'm kidding," she laughs, "chill. But you really have to go?"
"Yeah," he sighs. "I'm sorry. I have an early morning session."
"Okay, yeah, of course." She nods, but she sounds disappointed. "I was hoping we could… I don't know, catch up, I guess, for a little longer. Do you, uh… lunch, tomorrow?"
He hesitates, considering blowing off his work to spend time with her, but eventually he says, "No, I'm sorry, tomorrow's crazy. But Thursday I was… um, I was planning fly out, but it moved to Friday morning so I'm done in the afternoon. We could get…" He hesitates on the word "dinner" which for some reason sounds so much more like a date than lunch does.
"Mack leaves for tour and I'm seeing him off, but after that, yes, absolutely. I'll text you?"
"Yeah." He smiles as relief floods him. He's going to get to see her again.
Outside, as his cab pulls up, Jude says, "Thank you for coming, Tommy."
"Yeah, 'course. It was amazing." The alcohol and all the thoughts in his head that he can never say have weakened his verbal filter, and he adds, "Seeing you again has been more than amazing."
It was too far. He shouldn't have let it slip, but she just smiles. "Same." She hesitates for a moment, then leans forward to wrap her arms around his waist. She leans her cheek against his shoulder, her face turned in towards his neck. "Goodnight."
He hugs her back tightly, whispering, "God, I've missed you," so quietly he's not sure she hears. He half-hopes she doesn't. When it's been too long, they pull apart. He can't stop himself from reaching out to touch her cheek, trailing his fingers lightly along her jaw as he says, "Goodnight, Jude."
A/N: "Boogie Love" is a song by Alexz Johnson, "Gravity" is by Sara Bareilles, and "New Ceremony" (which was the song in chapter 3) is by Dry The River. Sometimes I wonder if I rely a little too heavily on the characters singing their feelings, which is easy to do in IS fic, but "Gravity" in particular felt like it fit, and I couldn't resist.