Penguin Baby

A/N: Thanks for the lovely reviews, Reia and Tariana! You both get kebabs!

This chapter is about Mikki and Steve. If you have no idea who these people are, you should probably read the chapters 'Day of the Sparkly Undead Butterflies,' 'Steve's Revenge' 'Fletchyrie vs Flikki' and 'Fairy Godsisters.' Then it will make a lot more sense. XD

It was an autumn evening in a hospital in Dublin, and Mikki Adrienne Rigantona Yvette Starla Una Eglantine had just given birth to her first child.

Her husband, Steve Smith, ex-penguin and proud dad, looked adoringly at the baby in his wife's arms. Despite being merely hours old, Rochelle Epiphany Nolene Essence Storm Melody Ethelinda Esme Smith (or R.E.N.E.S.M.E.E for short) had shoulder-length auburn curls, huge green eyes framed by thick lashes and a full set of perfect white teeth, just like Renesmee Cullen (because Twilight is, like, totes adorbs). Except there was no freaky growth issue here - Rochelle Epiphany Nolene Essence Storm Melody Ethelinda Esme Smith was born perfect because she WAS perfect. Just like her mama.

Or was she?

The trouble began when Rochelle Epiphany Nolene Essence Storm Melody Ethelinda Esme started to walk. She was very good at it, naturally, and by two and a half she was able to walk two miles to the shop to buy the paper. The only thing was, she waddled, with her feet sticking out sideways - like a penguin.

When she was smaller, she didn't cry like normal babies. Instead she cheeped. Like a baby penguin.

When she started to talk - at one and a half - she could speak English, French, Spanish, German, Mandarin, Cantonese, Gaelic and penguin. She could communicate with the penguins at the zoo and she had a tendency of sliding around on her stomach and swimming in the bath. Mikki finally cracked when she found R.E.N.E.S.M.E.E sitting on a egg.

'There is something wrong with our child!' she yelled at Steve in her beautiful voice like chiming bells.

'It's just a phase,' said Steve, who had read that in a childcare book somewhere.

'I do not want a penguin baby,' said Mikki Adrienne Rigantona Yvette Starla Una Eglantine Smith. 'We are doing something about this. Let's take her to a child psychologist.'

Because Mikki totally cared about her baby more than anything else in the entire world and she only wanted the best for R.E.N.E.S.M.E.E.

(By the way, even though Mikki was now a mother, she still had a perfect figure and no grey hairs.)

Anyway, thanks to the speed of Steve's Lamborghini, they arrived at the child psychologist's two hours before the appointment and had to wait in the waiting room. Mikki was showing R.E.N.E.S.M.E.E off to all the other patients when three very familiar people walked in.

'Skulduggery? Valkyrie?' Mikki gasped. 'FLETCHER?' She accidentally dropped R.E.N.E.S.M.E.E at the shock of seeing her ex-fiance but quickly picked her back up again because she was a fantastic mother. 'What are YOU doing here?'

'We're taking Fletcher to the child psychologist,' said Valkyrie. 'What about you?'

'I DON'T HAVE TO TELL YOU ANYTHING,' said Mikki. 'YOU RUINED MY WEDDING.'

'That was ages ago. You've clearly moved on,' said Valkyrie dismissively.

'Nice doll,' said Fletcher to Mikki.

'That's my baby.'

'Oh. Nice baby.'

'Tanith Low isn't with you, is she?' asked Steve, his eyes suddenly glowing red like those of the evil penguin he once was.

'No,' said Skulduggery. 'I thought you were over your revenge thing.'

'Revenge is best served cold,' said Steve, 'and I'm keeping mine in the freezer.'

'What's that supposed to mean?'

Before Steve could come up with a really clever answer, Rochelle Epiphany Nolene Essence Storm Melody Ethelinda Esme slid off Mikki's lap and wriggled, penguin-style, through a mouse hole in the wall. Mikki screamed.

'Rochelle Epiphany Nolene Essence Storm Melody Ethelinda Esme! My baby! My baby!'

'Wow!' exclaimed Skulduggery. 'Did you see that? She fit through that tiny gap! Incredible!'

'Yes, she's good at squeezing through small spaces! Big deal! How are we going to get her back?'

But before anyone could answer, R.E.N.E.S.M.E.E slid back through the hole, got up and waddled over to Mikki, chirping 'Mama!' Mikki gathered her baby up in her arms and held her protectively. 'Oh, R.E.N.E.S.M.E.E, don't you ever scare me like that again!'

Valkyrie rolled her eyes. Skulduggery looked thoughtful.

'You know,' he said, 'we could really use a talented penguin-baby on our team.'

'We could?' said Valkyrie.

'ABSOLUTELY NO WAY,' said Mikki.

'She'll get paid,' said Skulduggery.

'OK then.'

THE END

A/N: What? I was bored.

Sorry, Twilight.

If anyone has any chapter ideas, you're welcome to send them in - I would seriously appreciate it. And they don't have to involve Mikki or Steve.

Anyway, thanks for reading and please consider reviewing :DDDD