Season 01 / Episode 16: A Slightly Crueler Cruller
(Note: A cruller is a pastry, and the French ones look like donuts)
The scene opened with... pink. A lot of pink.
"Looks like Donut's replacement is here already. And a woman, to boot," Alice noted, smiling. "Finally having some female charm in this idiot army is a welcomed surprise."
"Wait, what about Tex? She's a girl, too," Aya asked, before someone put a hand on her shoulder. With a startled yelp, the tengu turned around, looking directly into a pair of cold, golden eyes.
Sanae gave her a smile, tilting her head. "Something wrong?" she asked sweetly, tightening her grip.
Aya gulped. "N-Nothing!"
"Can't wait to see Sarge's reaction to have a girl in his team," Marisa giggled, ignoring the drama next to her. "Judging him, the old man is probably gonna have an aneurism for Command sending someone without a dick!"
"I'm just surprised they even have pink armour in the first place," Reimu mused. "Guess there's just a limited number of red shades to choose from."
"Dude, this is sweet! Command was so happy, that I got the Blue Flag, they gave me my own colour armour!" the new arrival stated, walking up to Simmons and Grif.
"Wait a sec! Oh holy shit, it's a guy!" Marisa exclaimed in surprise, looking at the screen in shock. "And that voice, isn't that...?"
"DONUT?!" they all shouted in sync.
"Out of all the freaking colours, he chose pink," muttered Aya, perplexed. "And how is he out of the hospital already?"
"You know, we probably should have seen that coming," Reimu groaned. "Him suddenly wearing pink makes just as much sense as all the other crap in that canyon."
"Maybe he just likes pink-frosted donuts," Sanae quipped, not really bothered by the new development.
The others giggled.
"He could have done worse," Alice finally shrugged. "Pink is actually a very nice choice, all things considered. It goes well with practically anything."
"Pink is the new black," they all said in unison, agreeing that a real man can wear pink.
Grif and Simmons silently exchanged glances.
"Looks like they think differently," Aya joked.
"Uh, hey Donut?" Grif began hesitantly.
"What?" Donut asked innocently.
"Um, about your armour...," Simmons continued.
"What about it?"
"How do I put this? Your armour is, um... it's a little, um... Grif, uh, you wanna help me out here?"
"It's pink! Your armour is freakin' pink!" Grif explained bluntly.
"Yeah, that's it. Pink..."
"Guess it's a bit uncomfortable for some men," Alice admitted. "Can't blame those two for feeling uneasy, social norms can be stupid."
"Bet they're just afraid that they can't pull of the pink armour as well as Donut," Marisa laughed.
"Pink?! My armour's not pink!" Donut insisted.
"Wait, he didn't even realize he's wearing pink?" Reimu sweat-dropped.
"Yeah, Donut fits right in. He's an idiot as well," Alice shook her head.
"So he didn't choose his armour after all," Sanae mused.
"Pink," Grif rebutted simply.
"Yeah, definitely pink," Simmons agreed.
"Awkward~," Marisa and Aya sung, fist-bumping.
"You guys are colour-blind. Why would they give me pink armour?"
"The higher ups have a strange sense of humour?" Alice suggested.
"Maybe they gave it to him by mistake?" Sanae offered.
"Because they're all dicks and used this as an excuse to fuck with someone?" Reimu stated.
The others looked at the roof in contemplation, then at each other, and then nodded. They could definitely see this kind of thing happening.
"Hey, don't ask, don't tell," Grif replied before laughing.
Simmons struggled to suppress his own chuckles. "That's not funny," he insisted.
"It's a little funny," Grif disagreed.
"Is that a gay joke?" asked Alice, furrowing her forehead.
"Yes, it is. The Outside World is still a little prejudiced when it comes to stuff like this," Sanae explained. "Though there has been a lot of progress during the recent years."
Silence.
"That's stupid," Marisa voiced everyone's thoughts.
"Maybe we're a little biased when it comes to stuff like this," Aya shrugged. "With the male-female ratio in Gensokyo, girls don't really have a choice unless they're willing to share."
"I don't think there's a single woman here who's completely straight," Alice agreed.
"True," Reimu smirked, remembering the commotion at the village's only school when she went shopping yesterday.
- Yesterday -
"THAT IS NOT A MAGAZINE ABOUT BUNNIES!"
"Wah, that are a lot of boobies," a little girl awed, holding up the magazine.
Keine Kamishirasawa grasped the offending object from her hands.
"WHO GAVE THIS TO YOU?!"
"The funny fire lady left it on your desk. She said you might like it."
"MOKOUUUU!"
"Look at it, it's not pink. It's like, uh... a lightish-red," Donut tried to counter.
"Guess what? They already have a colour for lightish-red. You know what's it called? 'Pink'," Grif replied with finality.
"I hate you guys."
Sarge and Lopez arrived at the top of the base as well.
"Well hello, dirtbags," Sarge greeted them, before turning around to Donut. "And a fine hello to you, madam."
"Well, at least he can be proper to a lady," giggled Alice.
"It's light-red!"
"This is going to go on for a while, isn't it?" Reimu groaned.
"Looks like it," Marisa confirmed with a smirk.
"Don't get your panties in a wad there, Barbie. Do you have a package for me?"
"Yes, sir."
"Excellent."
"They said this speech unit should work with Lopez," Donut said, pulling out a strange glowing device.
"'Speech unit'?" Grif echoed.
Everyone looked at Sanae.
"If I had to guess, it's a device that allows machines to speak," she offered with a helpless shrug.
"Here you go," Donut said as he handed it over to Sarge.
"But why would Lopez need one?" Reimu asked in confusion, before blinking in realization.
"Affirmative," Sarge replied as he walked up to Lopez. "Command was fresh out of speech modules when I started building Lopez, but once I get this baby installed, I'll finally have someone intelligent to talk to."
"Wait, he built Lopez?!" Alice exclaimed in shock, her eyes bulging. "Does that mean-?"
"... No offense, Simmons," he added.
"Oh, don't worry. I know who you meant, sir," Simmons replied offhandedly.
"Wait a second, Lopez is a robot?!"
The girls were just as surprised as Grif.
"Oh poo," Aya grumbled, crossing her arms.
"So he's like this big golem Nitori built a while ago?" asked Marisa, mouth wide open in awe.
"Looks like it," Alice muttered silently. "Sarge of all people actually built a robot. He's more capable than I thought."
"Of course he is. You didn't notice that he never talks?"
"I just thought he was a really quiet guy."
"So that's why he never talked," Sanae mumbled.
"And the fact that he sleeps standing up and drinks motor oil didn't get your attention?"
"Well, I-I did think the motor oil thing was a bit odd. I-I just thought he was trying to impress me."
"Why would you even think anyone would bother to impress you?" Alice snarked.
"More importantly, why would Lopez need to drink oil of all things?" asked Marisa.
"Hey, sir. You really should ground yourself before handling that card," Simmons warned.
"How come?"
"Because static could damage the card."
"Electronic devices can be very sensitive," Sanae explained.
"Come on. That's an urban legend they use to sell those stupid bracelets," Sarge replied before holding the device at Lopez's back. Grif and Simmons exchanged a worried glance.
"And I suppose Pop Rocks and soda's gonna make my stomach blow up!"
Just then, an electrical current shot all over Lopez.
"YOW!" Sarge cried out in pain as he stepped back.
"Don't challenge fate, dude," Marisa laughed at his misfortune.
"Wait, their armour can block bullets and point-black explosions, but a little static is too much for it to handle?" asked Aya in confusion.
The others shrugged.
"Sir. I won't say 'I told you so', sir," Simmons said quickly.
"I would've," Reimu grinned.
"Good. I'd hate to make Strawberry Shortcake here my new favourite private."
"It's not pink! It's lightish-red!" Donut vehemently insisted.
The girls rolled their eyes.
The scene changed to the Blue Base, with Tex and Church standing on the roof, while Tucker and a still soot-covered Caboose were in the front of the base.
"Man," Caboose panted, exhausted. "Y-You know this stuff does not come off easy?"
"Yeah, this was a lot easier when we were cleaning just my armour."
"Yeah, I know, that-that's I think because, you know, uh, you didn't do anything," Caboose snapped at Tucker.
"Lazy ass," Reimu muttered, giving the fair-haired witch next her sideway glance.
Marisa stayed unaware of it.
"I'm sorry, what? It's kind of hard to hear you over the sound of your constant team-killing," Tucker shot back.
"SICK BURN!" Marisa and Aya shouted.
Caboose let out a loud, obviously forced and fake laugh. After a few seconds he cut himself off. "Don't make me mad," he threatened.
Sanae shuddered slightly. "That sounded so wrong."
"Looks like Caboose can be just as scary as San-chan," Marisa whispered, earning a few faint nods in response.
- Back at the Red Base. -
"So what happened to me, anyway?" Donut asked. "I recall something about a spider on my head?"
"Right. That was a grenade," Grif clarified.
"And the last thing I remember is a loud bang, and then Simmons fainting-"
"Ha! Told you so!"
"I did not faint!"
"Turnabout is fair play, deal with it," Aya mocked.
"Done and done," Sarge announced before taking a step back. "Lopez, activate speech unit."
The girls leaned forward.
There was an audible click and then...
["Buenos días. Y la gracias da por activar mi función del discurso. Soy el numero de modelo cero uno cero uno uno tres quatro ocho ocho dos tres,"] came a deep and yet monotone voice.
Everyone blinked.
"Am I the only one not understanding any of this?" Donut asked while Lopez was still talking.
"Am I the only one not understanding any of this?" Marisa asked at the same time Donut did. She then blinked. "Huh. Freaky."
"Sounds like the speech unit was damaged from the static after all," Sanae stated. "Does anyone understand what he's saying?"
["Me llamo es Lopez."]
"Lopez! He just said 'Lopez'!" Grif exclaimed. "I understood that! I can speak Spanish!"
"Lopez – Speak – English," Sarge ordered, stressing each word.
Reimu blinked. "I just realized that I can understand them perfectly without ever learning English."
"Wait, you can't speak English?" Alice asked in confusion.
"Of course not, why would I?" Reimu responded. "Wait, can you?"
"Of course, most spell books are written in either in English or Latin."
"That's how I learned it, too," Marisa added.
"I had English lessons back at school," Sanae chimed in.
"It's a necessary skill for any newsgirl worth her salt," Aya added.
Silence.
"Yukari?"
"Yukari."
["Me procesador Ingles tiene malfunctioned. Se habla solamente Español."]
"Huh... I think you shorted out his speech unit with that static, sir."
"Called it!"
"Maybe Princess Peach here picked up the wrong model."
"Seriously, dude. For the last time: not pink."
"Stop whining, just accept it," Reimu groaned.
"Lopez. I order you to speak a language we understand!"
"Why don't you yell a bit louder? I'm sure that would help," Alice mocked.
["Negativo,"] Lopez replied simply.
"Well this is just dandy. Lopez... How - Do - We - Fix - Your - Speech - U - Nit?" Sarge asked, stressing every syllable.
"Why are you talking so slow? He understands us just fine. Maybe you should try listening slower," Grif suggested mockingly.
"Just my thoughts," the puppeteer laughed.
"Lopez, would you like to shoot Grif?"
["Si, señor. Gracias,"] Lopez replied, raising his pistol as the screen went black.
"Yeah, Lopez was definitely built by Sarge," Marisa laughed as well.
"No. stop! Uh, alto, alto!"
"Alto means 'tall', you dumbass."
"Then why do they put it on stop signs?"
- Side Story -
"Freeze!"
Kaguya Houraisan, the Exiled Moon Princess, stopped dead in her tracks and slowly turned around.
Standing right behind her were several of the rouge soldiers of Charon Industries, pointing their guns at her threateningly.
"Looks like we hit the jackpot," one of them laughed arrogantly, reaching for the hand cuffs on his hip. "The chairman promised us a small fortune for catching one of you freaks."
Kaguya stared silently at the soldiers, pondering what to do next. Agent Carolina and Epsilon warned her from walking away from the camp alone, since there were still enemy soldiers roaming around. Seemingly those guys have been a nuisance for them and the others for quite some time...
She smirked. Time for some payback in behalf of her new friends.
"Hey, do you guys want to see a magic trick?"
The thugs glared at her. "Does it involve raising your hands in the air and slowly walking over to us?"
Kaguya simply shook her head. She pulled out one of the high-powered grenades she got from Donut, pulled the pin, let the hammer open, stuck the lethal contraption into her mouth and swallowed it whole.
Silence.
The mercenary with the cuffs clapped his hands in a mocking manner. "Wow, impressive. You just slugged down a dummy grenade. Looks like you're quite experienced with swallowing huge-"
*KABOOM*
- 5 Minutes later -
Felix glanced up from rock he was currently sitting on, whirling one of his trademark knifes in his hands. "Hey, what was all that noise abou-"
He did a double take as he looked at the slowly approaching group. They were literally soaked in blood and littered with random flecks of skin, muscle, bone and cloth.
"What the fuck happened to you?!"
In answer, the thug in front handed him a HEAD.
Felix starred at it in shock. He's seen a lot of mutilated corpses in his career, but even he couldn't help but feel a cold shiver running down his back as he looked at the smiling head in his palms, blood still running down her mouth and closed eyes.
Suddenly, the eyes shot open, boring deeply into his own. The blood and assorted viscera suddenly seemed to develop a mind on their own as they fled from the mercenaries' bodies like water from oil and congregated in the centre of the group.
The pool made out of shredded human reached forward and picked up the head from Felix's shaking hands.
"'Sup?" Kaguya greeted them with a deep, eldritch voice.
"AAAAAAAAAARGH!"
- Shortly after -
Carolina sprinted into the clearing, her rifle at the ready, before she came to a sudden stop in front of Kaguya's remains.
Silence.
Epsilon appeared on her right shoulder, looking down at the bloody mess in front of them.
"... I was never so glad to NOT have a stomach anymore."
"Hi," Kaguya smiled at them, a disembodied hand lying in the pool next her waved at the former Freelancer and her A.I. companion.
Carolina and Epsilon looked at each other silently, before starring down on her again.
Kaguya blushed slightly.
Finally, Carolina sighed. "We heard a loud bang," she started, holstering her rifle. "So we decided to go looking for you."
"And then we saw Felix and his gang running away screaming blood murder like the bunch of pussies they are," Epsilon chimed in, disappearing and reappearing next to Kagura, hovering over the bloody ground.
"That was probably my fault," she smiled at him. "Looks like they didn't enjoy my magic trick."
Epsilon chuckled.
"... If that was an attempt to be intimidating, it worked very well," Carolina smirked beneath her visor. "That aside... are you going to be okay?"
"Yeah, no offense, but that doesn't look healthy. At all," Epsilon agreed, now standing on top of her head.
The mass of former human bristled happily. "Don't worry, I'm basically unkillable: you can't burn me, can't freeze me, I've even tried being irradiated and falling into a tornado."
"Impressive, but I didn't ask for the full résumé of your power," Carolina gulped down hard. "If you're fine, can you turn back to normal then? I have to admit, looking at you is... well..."
"I think the word you're looking for is 'disturbing'," Epsilon blinked back to her shoulder.
"Yeah, that."
"Thank you!" Kaguya smiled sweetly, taking that as a success on her part. "I do need a favour though. Could you go back to the camp and get Eirin and Reisen before I reform the rest of my body?"
"... Why?"
"I can reform my organs, re-attach limbs, but I can't... do... clothes."
...
...
...
Awkward silence is awkward.
Kaguya gave them a sheepish grin. "I need those two to bring me a fresh set of clothes from my belongings. Also, could you stand guard with them while I get dressed, please?"
Carolina and Epsilon stared at the moon princess.
"In hindsight, maybe this wasn't my best idea. Well 20/20 and all that."
The A.I. groaned. "I'm gonna distract Tucker."
"And I'll protect your... modesty," Carolina deadpanned.
"Thank you!"
Character Introduction
Name: Keine Kamishirasawa
Race: Half Human, Half Youkai (Hakutaku)
Age: approx. 80 years
Occupation: School History Teacher, Guardian of the Human Village
Eyes: Human - Brown / Hakutaku - Red
Hair: Human - silver / Hakutaku - Green
Special Features: When in hakutaku form, she has two horns at the sides of her head
Title: Half-beast of Knowledge and History
Special Abilities: Danmaku, in human form she can consume (hide) history, in hakutaku form she can create and change history
Notes:
As a half-youkai, she can transform every full moon to her hakutaku form (hakutaku are spiritual beasts often depicted as lions with horns). She acts as the guardian of the human village and teacher of the local school.
Her ability to hide and change history is as OP as it sounds, but not perfect or absolute in its efficiency.
She's also a long-time friend of Mokou.
Name: Nitori Kawashiro
Race: Youkai (Kappa)
Age: unknown
Occupation: Engineer
Eyes: Blue
Hair: Blue
Special Features: Never without her backpack and wrench
Title: Handyman of the River
Special Abilities: Danmaku, Engineering, Manipulation of Water
Notes:
Nitori Kawashiro is a very shy kappa who lives on the Youkai Mountain. In fact, the first time she saw Reimu, she ran off with barely a word. She actually likes humans, but just doesn't seem to know how to act around them.
As an engineer she is very interested in products made by the humans of the Outside World. She takes such products apart and puts them back together in order to understand them. However, she has trouble creating magical tools of any sort. She is fond of selling her inventions.