"Ahh, Yoruichi-kun! I was expecting another deferment, and here you are in the flesh! So to speak," Ukitake Jyuushirou winked affably, taking the sting out of his ribbing.
Yoruichi managed a grin and hoped that her tumultuous feelings weren't painted all over her face. "I'm sorry, Ukitake-sama...for my previous delays and for catching you off guard." She straightened, oddly reluctant to leave now that she was here. "I could come back at a better time..."
"Nonsense," Ukitake countered smoothly. "I always have tea this time of day, guest or no. It is no trouble at all to set out another cup." He gestured her towards the low table sitting in the center of his private room off the Thirteenth administrative office. "Company sweetens the tea, I find. Although, with more planning I would have had arrangements made to sit in the garden..."
Yoruichi replied swiftly, automatically, all her years of sharing tea with the pale noble rushing back to her in a flood. "It is far too chill outside for you, Ukitake-sama. Indoors is preferable anyway."
Ukitake smiled a little too knowingly, excusing himself for a moment to make tea arrangements. He wasn't lying about her appearance being little trouble, for she had just barely lowered herself onto the soft and brightly-colored cushions when he joined her, settling himself with his trademark studious restraint and smiling warmly. "Now, what brings you here on a day such as this, when so many other opportunities have slipped away?"
Yoruichi smiled back a little too brightly and tried to find something safe to chat about. "I confess, I needed a break from my squad," was all she managed.
Ukitake, every inch the gentleman, nodded sagely and replied with all grace. "Yes, the tedium of captaincy is one with which I am intimately familiar." Brown eyes sparkled with amusement. "Of course, you have even more responsibility with the SMC in your care as well, not to mention the overseeing of your clan." White bangs hid what may have been a hint of mischief in Jyuushirou's large brown eyes. "Frankly, quite a few of us are wondering how you do it all. Without completely losing your marbles, that is."
Yoruichi just shrugged, thankful for the arrival of the tea to distract from her inability to meet his searching gaze. She reached for nonchalance and barely succeeded. "I do fine. There are many fine officers under me as well, and now that they're starting to shape up..." She swallowed, feeling like an awkward teenager all over again. "It helps," she finished lamely, lifting a teacup delicate enough to see through and taking a sip of piping hot liquid.
"Ah yes, it is all about delegating!" Ukitake returned gustily. "Honestly, if it weren't for our vice-captains and Seats, not a one of us wouldn't have cracked by now. Look at Shunsui...of course, he's probably a terribly example, as he delegates everything..." An unexpected giggle burbled out of Yoruichi, at which Ukitake grinned triumphantly. "Good! I made you laugh; you looked like you needed some cheering up. I shall have to gloat to Shun; he never thought I'd manage to get a smile out of you." Jyuushirou proceeded to sip innocently at his cup.
"Is whether or not I smile such a topic of conversation among captains?" Together with a breathy giggle, Yoruichi managed to completely betray her discomfort. "I would have thought you'd have much more important matters to discuss."
"Oh, no - us captains like to keep an eye out for each other. We're a meddlesome bunch, especially when you get to be my age. So, when one of our youngest and brightest seems to be killing themselves with work and misery, it tends to get noticed." Ukitake's smile drifted away, although his eyes still managed to be almost painfully kind.
Yoruichi found herself sipping a little too quickly, burning her tongue. For a moment she fidgeted. "Surely every captain gets a little overworked from time to time."
"Surely," agreed Ukitake, growing more serious by the moment. "Which is why we also watch to make sure an over-stressed captain does not take out their pressures unduly on their underlings. Bad for morale, you know, and the Gotei has a reputation to maintain." Just like that, those soft brown eyes turned razor sharp. "It wouldn't do to allow one of our own brutalize their subordinates."
"Brutalize!?" Yoruichi nearly dropped her teacup in her desperation to bury a rising surge of guilt with affront. "It is my right to expect standards of my subordinates as I see fit-!"
"Yes," Ukitake inserted quietly, the soft tone cutting her down in an instant. "But I'm not talking about your subordinates in general. Shihouin-taicho, why are you trying to drive Urahara Kisuke into the ground?"
All the air in the room vanished in a whoosh. "What are you talking about?" The words sounded hollow, even to Yoruichi's own ears.
Ukitake's expression darkened. "Don't play dumb, it doesn't suit you. Anyone can see that you've dumped enough responsibility on him to either bounce him out of your squad or send him to an early grave. Yoruichi-kun," he growled quietly, with a rarely-seen intensity. "What has happened between you two?"
Unbidden, tears filled golden eyes. "Nothing," she whispered. Nothing has happened. We're still exactly the same. He still loves me. And I- Her brain froze, afraid to go an inch further.
A hand on her chin drew her head up; as the tears spilled down Yoruichi's cheeks, she looked into brown eyes that held worry than she had ever seen. "I admit that I am baffled - don't you love him any more?" Ukitake asked softly.
Griffin hovered in her head, in her soul, hanging on every word. Swallowing hard, Yoruichi managed to choke out the only answer she had. "I...can't love him. I just can't."
For a long, long time Ukitake looked deeply into her eyes while Yoruichi let out a few quiet sobs; never had she felt so naked. Whatever Jyuushirou saw did not smooth the worry lines from his face, although after a while his eyes held an ocean of empathy. Finally, he nodded and withdrew his hand.
"I do not understand, child. But I can see that whatever is going on, it's tearing you apart. You need to find a way to resolve your heart or you will destroy yourself, and very likely your subordinates with you. One by one, you will destroy everything and everyone you love if you allow this conflict within yourself to linger." Calmly, he reached into his obi and pulled out a white handkerchief, handing it to her.
Yoruichi took it, realizing for the first time that she had cracked the teacup in her grip and her fingers were dripping with hot liquid. Carefully she mopped herself up, saving a corner of the kerchief to wipe the tears from her cheeks. She muttered an embarrassed apology over the destroyed cup.
"Don't give it another thought; at my age, I've collected thousands of teacups. One broken bit of china will not be missed." Ukitake smiled, lightening the mood enough to keep Yoruichi from bursting into tears again. "The same cannot be said for dear friends. Think about what I've said." Studiously, he rose from the table, indicating their time was over.
Yoruichi glanced at the clock; they usually spent hours at tea and barely one had passed. "You have something important to do-?"
"No," Ukitake smiled softly, his gaze poignant. "But you do. Take some time for yourself, Shihouin-taicho, and do what must be done."
Half dazed, Yoruichi allowed herself to be gently ushered to the door. "I don't know what must be done." she protested, a sudden and unreasonable dread washing over her.
"Yes, you do," Ukitake replied firmly, placing a hand on each shoulder and forcing her to meet his eyes. "Yoruichi-kun - I know a thing or two about dying from the inside out. Do not let this conquer you, when you have the means to prevent it."
At that, Yoruichi had nothing more to say, and after a moment Ukitake withdrew and silently drew the screen door closed.
No one can outrun their own soul.
For hours after her meeting with Ukitake, Yoruichi had flitted about aimlessly, looking for something she couldn't define. After a while, she realized that her recalcitrance was bordering on cowardice and there was no point in delaying the inevitable. So, as the sun set and darkness settled in, she found the glen deep within the forest where, exactly one year ago, she had surrendered her heart in order to gain her bankai.
Only you did not surrender your heart. It still belongs to someone else. Griffin was already there, reposed on the mossy earth with his paws out before him. Watching her.
Yoruichi met his gaze slightly askance, her pose defiantly alert. Slowly she stepped forward, feeling like she was treading on razor edges.
"No. I did not surrender it."
Griffin's tail lashed. You still love Urahara Kisuke.
Yoruichi took a breath, held it. "Yes, I do. I will, always." A long, ominous silence met her truth, but for the first time in years, Yoruichi felt oddly relieved. She was done lying to herself. "Does this mean I have to relinquish my bankai?"
Griffin's golden faceted eyes glittered, as he uttered the last thing Yoruichi could have imagined.
No. In fact, you have finally finished earning it. He lowered his head deferentially. My complete subjugation is now yours.
Yoruichi stood dumbfounded. "What are you talking about? You gave me bankai a year ago!"
On the condition that you earn my respect, Griffin returned. For the last year, you have done so, and the acquisition of your bankai is now complete.
The dread Yoruichi had felt earlier melted away into anger. "A year ago you told me I had to give up my love for Kisuke forever - that was your condition! I've just admitted to loving him still. How does that fulfill your condition!?"
My condition was that you surrender your infatuation with Urahara Kisuke. Golden eyes glittered coldly. Infatuation and love are not the same thing.
A growl tore out of Yoruichi's throat; for a moment she could hardly breathe for the rage. "You let me suffer - let him suffer - all these years...over semantics!?"
Griffin held his ground, golden claws digging into the soft earth. You heard what you needed to hear.
"You deliberately misled me!" Yoruichi fairly screamed. "How...DARE you?"
I allowed you to mislead yourself, because you would not have seen the Truth otherwise.
Yoruichi barely heard him. "You're my own zanpaktou, and you've betrayed me-!"
YOU BETRAYED YOURSELF! The ear-splitting roar cut through Yoruichi's fury, stilled her. From the day you began your search for me through your training with Urahara Kisuke, you betrayed yourself and you betrayed me. Do you not remember - your fear that he would outpace you? That he would move too fast and leave you behind? As if ANYONE could outpace the Goddess of Flash!! Griffin roared; shocked, Yoruichi felt her jaw drop open as Griffin growled on.
You decided right then and there that he was better than you, ahead of you. Smarter, more accomplished. From that moment on, every second you spent with me was shadowed by your need to prove yourself to him. Even when you tried to subjugate me by combat, you compared yourself to Kisuke's timeframe for achieving bankai. You demeaned yourself, and insulted me, because of a childhood crush. Griffin's eyes bored holes straight through her soul. That is what I mean by 'infatuation' - this idea that you needed prove yourself against the standard of another.
I AM THE STANDARD AGAINST WHICH YOU COMPARE YOURSELF! Griffin roared, and this time it was underscored with a certain anguish. It was MY approval you needed, not HIS.
Shame suddenly blossomed in Yoruichi's chest, warring with the anger. "Griffin...you have no idea what you've put me through...what you've put Kisuke through..."
I allowed you to misunderstand my demand, allowed you to hurt, to suffer - so that you could see the truth. Griffin finished firmly. Judge me if you will, Empress. I did only what was necessary.
Very, very slowly Yoruichi drew one breath, then another. They burned. "What you did was beyond cruel. Allowing me to think I had to stop loving Kisuke..."
A harsh chuckle barked out of Griffin. That was your own foolishness. No one controls a heart, human or otherwise. Hearts choose for themselves who and what they will love, and no power in the universe can stop them.
Yoruichi found an eyebrow raising in reluctant curiosity. "I didn't know zanpaktous had hearts." It came out more bitterly than she'd intended.
A long moment passed while Griffin seemed, for once, to struggle with his answer. I do not know if we possess a heart as you understand it. But we have the same capacity for love as our wielders.
A daunting thought. "And what is it that you love, Griffin?"
The reply was instant. MY FREEDOM, Griffin seethed, meeting her eyes mercilessly. The freedom which I have just surrendered to you, completely and without further condition.
Time seemed to stop. Yoruichi could hardly breathe as the revelation hit her. "This last year - it wasn't just about culling an infatuation."
It was to make you see TRUTH, Griffin growled quietly, his tail lashing. I DO know how it feels to surrender that which you love most. As you sacrificed unwillingly to me, so I sacrifice willingly to you. What you suffered for mere years, I will bear for however many eons you wield me. Think what you will about my methods, but I could not fully surrender my freedom until you truly understood its value. Slowly he got to his feet, only to bow before her. That is my gift, Empress, and my penance. THAT is your Bankai.
Yoruichi knew, then and there, that she would never again mistrust her zanpaktou. Nor could she possibly hate him for what he'd done. But it still hurt; eyes tingling, she looked down at her zanpaktou with the sweet ache of commiseration. "Does truth always have to come at so high a price?"
Griffin's tone met hers, resolved. Anything worthwhile comes at a price. One must only be willing to pay it.
For a long time, Yoruichi looked at the massive winged lion before her, everything finally becoming clear. And with the truth came peace, and the knowledge that she was no longer divided against herself.
Tentatively, she twined her fingers into Griffin's mane, a slow smile curving her lips. "That sounded like something Kisuke would say."
Slowly, Griffin raised his noble head. His own eyes sparkled in what may or may not have been amusement. Indeed.
You could have knocked Yoruichi over with a feather. "Griffin! What that a hint of approval?" A small grin broke free as Griffins fur rippled. "I thought you hated him, not to mention Benihime..."
Benihime is a shifty trollop without a hint of propriety. That has not nor will it ever change, Griffin rumbled in affront. With extreme dignity, he settled his wings back against his massive flanks.
Urahara I can learn to live with.
This time, Yoruichi did fall over in a deliberately dramatic faint; inexplicably she found herself racked with helpless mirth. It felt as if the entire universe was being lifted off her shoulders. "Will wonders never cease?" she chuckled at the stars shining above her, a delirious grin of relief painting her face. Suddenly she sat bolt upright, eyes wide. "Kisuke! Does this mean I can-" She choked off.
Go to him? Griffin chuckled. Empress, I doubt anything in the universe could stop you.
A flash later, his quiet purr was the only thing filling the glen.