Title: The Way From Here
Author: ZombieJazz
Fandom: Chicago PD
Disclaimer: I don't own them. Chicago PD and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The character of Ethan has been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.
Summary: Erin must deal with the consequences of her decision to take a position in FBI counter-intelligence at the expense of her relationship with Jay and her relationship with her family. But an emergency with her younger brother provides her with the opportunity to re-examine her choices and to try to rectify any damages to her relationships. This story takes place in the AU established in Interesting Dynamics.
SPOILER ALERT: There are MAJOR spoilers in this collection from Interesting Dynamics, So This is Christmas, Scenes, Aftermath and So It Goes (including chapters/scenes in So It Goes that have not yet been written or posted). This series also contains SPOILERS related to the finale of Season 4 of Chicago PD.
Jay moved over to Erin in the bed – spooning against her. He felt her tense for a moment. Because he'd just invaded her space. Because having his crotch against her ass wasn't on her list of permissible cuddling positions for a whole variety of reasons. Ones that had added to the complexity of their sex life. When they'd had a sex life. Or a life. Or a relationship.
But he gave her arm a rub, trying to calm her a bit and settled against her – just back from her so he wasn't pressing into her. To let her make that choice for herself. And she relaxed slightly as he pressed a small kiss against her bare shoulder and draped his arm over top of her. An arm that she let her hand snake up and snake down until she found his hand and held it.
"You okay?" he asked.
He knew she wasn't. So it wasn't even really about getting her to answer. It was just trying to let her know that he was there. Because they'd both being laying there a while. Not talking. Not sleeping. And that just didn't seem to be working.
"I don't think I should've left them there," she muttered.
It was a sort of ridiculous statement of her own. About as dumb as asking if she was okay when he knew she wasn't. But she'd left them. She'd left all of them. Six weeks ago. Leaving them now – at Hank's own house, Eth's own home – didn't really count as 'leaving them'. It was pretty incidential in the whole mess.
"They're okay," he assured. He put his mouth against her shoulder again. He didn't really kiss it. He just left it there. He squeezed at her hand instead.
And he was sure they were okay. Eth was barely in the front door before he had hobbled for the couch. Bear all over him. The kid trying to figure out how to see and use the remote for the TV to get the Cubs on. And it hadn't been long before Voight was over there doing it him. That he was sitting on the couch too. And then the two of them – and the dog – were laying down on it. Just a pile of bodies. And wasn't long after that that they were all sleeping. Something they needed badly. Especially Voight.
Though, he wasn't entirely sure that Hank had been sleeping the whole time they were there. That Erin had made enough noise fussing around in her guilt and her worry to make it hard for anyone to sleep. Let alone a cop. To put groceries in the fridge. And to cook a meal they could warm up later. And to bring down a fan to blow on them – an action that just proved Voight wasn't entirely sleeping because it prompted him to grab at Eth's heating blanket the first time Erin left the room and drape it over the kid. Upstairs changing sheets and towels and making beds. Creaking all over the place and moving around fans more to try to create some sort of crosswinds. Dragging down laundry and starting a load. And then trying to drag the fucking window unit up the stairs – without saying she needed help. And when the thing barely even worked.
They'd been there a good three hours. But there hadn't been talking. Voight and Eth hadn't moved from the couch. And if they were watching the game – it was more that they were just listening to it. They hadn't opened their eyes for the play and they hadn't opened their eyes when Jay told Erin they should go. Even though he got the impression that Erin wanted to go upstairs and just claim her old bedroom. Something Hank clearly caught on to too because the only word he'd uttered at either of them since they got in the house was "Go".
He wanted his space. He likely needed it. Deserved it. And him and Eth just … needed some privacy too. After that they'd been through. For what they stll had to get through.
"What if Eth has a seizure …," she near whispered.
Jay gripped her a bit more tightly. "He would've likely had it while they were doing the exchange," he told her gently. "He didn't. And, if he does now – tonight – Hank will deal with it."
She allowed a little nod but kept so still. He could feel her fingers tracing against the ridges on the back of his hand. But that was it. The rest of her was like stone.
"It's so hot in that house," she finally said.
It was his turn to give a nod. Against her shoulder. "But it always is, babe. It's just stuffy. Windows are open now. Got the fans going. It will air out."
"We should've pushed for them to come over here," she said.
"Erin," he told her gently, "your brother wants to be home. That's home. Not here."
"I know," she pressed, "but …" And her head shook and she lay their quiet again. Still again.
So he held her. It was about the most Jay was able to do. Because he didn't really know what to do. In any of this. The entire situation. And all its layers. It was a fucking mess. Or at least a fucking onion. And peeling an onion. It was going to take you a while to get to the center of the thing. And it was likely at least going to make your eyes water along the way. And was without a doubt leave a stench on you. One that took a while to wash away. But eventually … it all came out in the wash. Eventually. When you found time to do the wash. When you aired out the kitchen.
"It seemed like Eth's eyes might be doing better today," she whispered. Almost like she didn't want to say it outloud. "Like the exchange is helping …?"
Jay nuzzled a bit at her shoulder at that. Pressed his lips against the back of it. At the blade. Again.
"His doctor talked to you about the neuritis when the M.S. has progressed like this?" he asked.
She made a quiet hum. A sound of acknowledgement. But then said, "But it seemed better. Today."
"We're going to have to wait and see," Jay put to her gently.
Because the reality was they weren't going to know. Since the crazy steroids they'd pumped into him hadn't worked they were in a limbo period now. That maybe a three months they'd have a bit of an idea of how much he'd recover. How much of his eyesight he'd get back. Just how blurry it was going to be. But it would likely be more like six months before the doctors started placing any sort of real numbers around it. That it'd be nearly a year of follow-up before they really said that what they were looking at was just the way Eth would be seeing things for the rest of his life. But, yeah. He'd acknowledge that there seemed like there had been minor improvement in Eth since he'd been in the hospital. That some days and times it felt like he was seeing a bit more. That things weren't quite as blurry. That he wasn't completely blind. More like he just really, really needed a strong glasses prescription. The sort that the doctors weren't going to be able to make for him. Because this wasn't the sort of thing that was fixed with glasses.
"Ethan … all of you … you, Hank … you're all playing so hot and cold with me," she whispered again. And he felt a slight catch in her back that time. Across her shoulders. In her chest where his hand lay.
"What do you mean?" he asked. But he thought he knew.
"You're mad at me and then … this," she muttered.
"I can be mad at you and still want to hold you, Erin," he said with some force. Some annoyance.
"One second Ethan's wanting cuddles and the next he doesn't want me in the room," she countered. Avoided the topic after being the one who broached it. "Hank's …," she sighed. "He didn't want me at the house."
"They're both exhausted, Erin," Jay told her. "They just want some space. Some privacy. We'll go by tomorrow."
She nodded. "He … The RIC-CPD fundraiser is tomorrow?"
He gave his own little nod. "It's all weekend," he allowed.
"He wants to go to that," she said. "He was … he was like a broken record. He just kept saying it. I think … that's why he wanted to come home."
Jay shook his head. "That's not why he wanted to come home, Erin. And he's been a broken record since it happened. It's the same topics over and over again. It's not about the fundraiser."
"I … I just don't know bringing him home is a good idea," she said.
"It's what Eth wanted, Er," Jay stressed. "It's his life. His health. They can finish the treatment out-patient."
"His attending clearly thought doing it in-patient made more sense," she muttered.
Jay gripped at her hand. "Er … you've got to trust that Voight listened to the doctors and listened to his kid and made a decision based on what he thought was best and what he could handle. Goodwin would've stepped in or called DCFS or … the fucking District … if they really felt it was going to be that detrimental to Eth's health for him not to be in the hospital. Will's-"
"I don't care what your brother thinks," she interjected weakly.
"Okay …," Jay allowed.
And shut up. At least for a bit. Because he was still trying to figure out how to navigate any of this. Because none of it made any sense. At all. But maybe she had a point. That he was still so upset with her. He was still so hurt by her. He was angry and sad and hurting in a way that he was slowly coming to learn was the sort of way – the sort of ache – that only Erin had really excelled at creating repeatedly in his life. And even though she kept doing that – that he kept letting her do that – he still didn't want to be anywhere else right then but holding her. But trying to bring her some comfort. To ground her. And to pull her up. Because he knew that despite the hurt she created, she was there for him when he was hurting for other reasons too. And that even the hurt she created – it still somehow seemed worth it. Even though he fucking hated it. Even though it made him as mad at himself as he was at her for the pain she created. For how hard she made it for them.
"Voight … Hank," Jay said after a while, "he talked to me today."
Erin fidgeted a little bit. "What do you mean he talked to you today?"
"That he actually formed full sentences with me," Jay said. "Gave me a little speech."
She twisted in his grip a bit. And he let her. Until she lay half prone and gazed at him – upset and questioning creasing her brow.
"About what?" she demanded.
"His wife," Jay said.
Her brow creased more. "Camille?" she asked. Confusion was there. "What about her?"
Jay gave a little shrug. "Her and veterinary school."
And her brow creased even more. To the point it was cute. He reached and moved some of her hair away from her face so he could see more of it. She'd scrunched up her forehead so much that it was causing some scrunched up wrinkles in her nose. It was funny. It made her look like a little kid. And it also made her look like Eth. Eth did that too. And it made him once again think on the nature versus nurture thing. Just how much Eth had likely learned that look from his big sister. Just how likely it was that if they got through this – if they did have kids one day – that they'd give him that look too.
"Camille didn't go to veterinary school," Erin said with genunine confusion.
And Jay gazed at her more at that. Mild surprise playing across his face. "I know," he said. "But she applied. Didn't get in."
Erin examined him. Those scrunched up wrinkles still tense on her face. "I didn't know that," she finally admitted quietly. And there was a touch of sadness to that too. "I mean … I knew she studied biology. And … zoology … I think. But … I didn't know that."
Jay allowed his own sound of acknowledgement.
"Why … how'd Hank bring that up?" she asked, still gazing at him.
Jay shrugged a bit. He played with the strap on her tank. Untwisted it for her. He tried to organize his thoughts. Because his thoughts just seemed like a mess anymore. On this stuff. It wasn't … it wasn't like on the job. With structure and routines. With muscle memory. And a little of standing orders and rules and regulations. Facts of life you just followed.
This – it wasn't predictable. At all. And no matter how much he tried to anticipate things. It always felt like he was in a mine field and he was stepping on every one as he tried to figure out exactly what a relationship was. Exactly how to operate within it.
"I think he was … just trying to give me an example of a rough patch that him and his wife had to work through," he said.
Erin made a little sound at that. And her gaze moved away from him. It moved up to the ceiling. He found her hand again.
"I think he's a little worried about how you're doing. How we're doing."
"I don't know how we're doing," Erin said flatly.
"I know," Jay acknowledged. "I don't either. But I know that I want to keep working on figuring out how we're doing."
She rotated her head to look at him. Even in the dim light he could see how glassy her eyes were.
"Are you still going to feel that way on Wednesday?" she asked.
He gave a little nod. "Yea," he said. "I will. And I will however many weeks or months it takes for you to come back."
She made a broken sound and bit at her bottom lip. "I don't want it to be months," she said. "I don't even want it to be weeks." Her hand slapped up at her eyes. A silent demand for the tears to stay put. "I can't leave now. Not when he's like this."
He reached and pulled her hand down. Holding onto it. "We'll make more calls over the weekend," he said.
She shook her head. "Jay, it's not that simple. The assignment…"
He shook his head right back and looked into her eyes. "Erin, the fundraiser. The invitational. It's the Warrior Games. There's going to be lots of people out this weekend from all sorts of backgrounds. Okay? We're going to drop out pride here. We're going to make appearances. Do some ass kissing and networking. Make calls. Ask questions. And figure out what kind of options are out there."
"To get me out of an undercover counter-terrorism assignment with the FBI that I'm not allowed to be talking about?" she put to him.
"I think we've both done U.C. long enough in enough shitty and high stake situations we can figure out a way to talk around that aspect of it," he nodded at her. "And if we can't, we can at least work on wedging some windows open back here for you. Okay?"
She shook her head and stared at the ceiling. "Bunny got what she wanted," she muttered. "All along. She … I wrecked what I had."
"No," Jay put to her firmly. She glanced at him he'd put it so firmly. "Erin, if it was wrecked you wouldn't be laying her and telling me that you're feeling like we're treating you hot and cold."
She sighed at him and went back to looking at the ceiling.
"Er," he put to her more gently and she gave him another small glance. Little more than side-eye. "I'm still okay with Plan A. When you get back. I'll move over to SWAT. Free up a spot for you in Intelligence."
She gave him a sad look. "Jay, I don't know if CPD will take me back. And …" she shook her head and went back to the ceiling. "You're good police. They're going to want to move you up the ranks."
"I can still move up the ranks in SWAT," he countered.
"You love Intelligence," she put mutely.
Jay shrugged. "It's changed, Erin," he said. "All of it. You not being there. And Al's …" he just shook his head. "Kim's …"
"She's good police too, Jay …" she offered weakly.
"She's just … not my personality type," he said. "And there's this … Adam's working on becoming the kind of cop that … he's going to end up with the wrong kind of attention soon. And Upton—"
"Is sleeping with your brother," Erin put flatly. "And spending more time in my house than me."
Jay sighed and lay flat on his back staring at the ceiling too. "Something like that," he said. "It's a rebound."
"It's awkward," Erin countered.
"Yea …," he acknowledged and then offered. "It's Will. It will be over in a couple more weeks."
"And yet still awkward," Erin said.
Jay allowed a small smile and gave her a look. "Yea …," he acknowledged again.
She gave him a thin smile too. And they looked at each other. For a long time. A quiet longing. Until finally he leaned in and kissed her. Until she kissed back and his hand snaked down the front of her panties. Because that was something he could do too. To try to make them both forget. For a few minutes. To try to bring her some sort of comfort. And himself. To try to make her feel loved and wanted. Or at least make her feel good. To try to feel something different then what she'd been feeling all day. For a few seconds. At least. Even if it was awkward too.
AUTHOR NOTE: Reviews, comments and feedback are appreciated.