Phineas Flynn

Date Unknown

Location Unknown

Phineas Flynn was pretty sure the universe hated him.

He woke up in a cell that looked like it was from some old crummy action movie. Buford was sitting across from him and was already awake, looking incredibly pissed (whether or not it was at him, Phineas was not sure).

He had what he imagined a hangover would feel like pounding through his skull. When he touched the part that was bothering him he felt something sticky tracking up into his hair that he was pretty sure was not honey.

And then of course there was the fact that someone had just kidnapped him.

Well… maybe not just kidnapped him. What time was it?

"Ah, so the Sleeping Beauty awakens."

This was the last thing he needed right now.

Phineas went through his head trying to remember if anyone had seen them get grabbed. But he thought the street had been empty, which was amazing considering it was one of the busiest streets in London. Maybe F.R.I.E.N.D.S. had pulled some strings.

But surely Ferb and Isabella would notice he was gone when they went back— No. The house was gone. And Ferb had been really angry last time they'd spoken.

Okay, slow down. It's not like he hates you.

…Right?

Well… he did sound really angry. Explosions are pretty much how everyone else decides they can't stand you.

Well… that and rollercoasters.

Of course he hates you. Everyone ends up hating you. That's how your life works. They like you for a few months and then they stay far away from you.

Phineas dragged his knees up to his chest and buried his face in them, trying to calm himself down with breathing.

"Oh, look." Buford said. "Mr. Genius can't find a way out of this one. Big surprise."

Phineas did not cry often (he hadn't even cried when he told Ferb about the Rollercoaster), but when he did cry, he was not quiet.

So you could bet Buford heard when he started sobbing into his knees.

That was about the last thing Buford had expected. For a second he stared at him, trying to comprehend what he was seeing, because Phineas Flynn did not cry.

He got pissed sometimes, he got pissed at him sometimes, and sometimes he even told him to fuck off, but he didn't cry. The last time he had seen him cry was…. Oh. Something must have been seriously wrong. Worse than kidnapping, that was for sure.

"Uh… you okay?" Buford asked. There was no possible way to have made him sound more awkward.

Phineas did not reply.

Buford glanced around, trying to think of something to say or do. If nothing else, then just so the damn kid would be quiet again.

Nothing came to mind.

How do you comfort the kid you hate with everything you have?

"Uh… what's wrong?" Buford asked hesitantly.

"Is that a question for me or you?" Phineas asked, sounding miserable, but also like he wanted to ignore the fact that he was crying at all.

Personally, Buford didn't think that was healthy. Mental-wise.

"Uh… that's, uh… a question for you?"

"You still sound unsure. You've said 'uh' like 5 times."

"Wha— oh come on. Give me something."

"Why do you even care?"

"Because you're crying, and it's loud and annoying."

"Well, sorry to ruin your silence."

And after that, it really was quieter, with a sniff from Phineas every now and then.

"Why'd those guys kidnap us anyway?"

"Because they were trying to hurt Ferb's pet platypus who is secretly a secret agent for this company called the British Organization Without a Cool Acronym."

There was about 10 seconds of silence.

"Did you even hear the words just coming out of your mouth?"

"Yes Buford, I know how weird it sounds, but you've never even met Perry, so get over it."

Buford grumbled unintelligible words under his breath, and sat back against the cell wall with a huff. "Well these guys are seriously professional about their kidnappings."

"They're a supervillain organization, Buford. Of course they are."

Buford snorted, more in surprise than in amusement.

And then it was silent for another half hour. Eventually it got to Buford, and he had to fill it again.

"This is all your fault." he grumbled.

"What?" Phineas asked. "How is it my fault?"

"Because it always is?"

Phineas was quiet for ten seconds, trying not to snap. "Well." he said quietly. "That was about the most assholeish over-generalized comment I've ever heard."

"What?!"

"How the hell is it my fault that Ferb's pet is a secret agent who made some enemies? Coming here, meeting Ferb, and Perry, that was entirely the coincidences of life. It wasn't fate, or destiny, and it certainly wasn't anyone's fault."

"Oh come on. You're always at fault somewhere. Look at the rollercoaster."

Maybe it was the fragility of Phineas' current emotions, or the worry about another close friend probably hating him now, or maybe it was ludicrousy of their situation, but he did not shrink back into himself like he usually would have.

"Ah, yes, the rollercoaster. Do you find a way to bring that into every conversation? You don't get it, do you? It's not about the rollercoaster. It was never about the rollercoaster. My inventions blow up. They fall apart. They don't work. The fact that the rollercoaster doing that caused some damage is just— bad luck!"

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me. Do you think I would have built a rollercoaster had Django not come to town? Of course not! Because there were risks, and it was dangerous, and he knew that getting on there!"

Buford didn't look like he was quite sure what to do with this little speech.

"You two were the ones who reacted badly! I did everything right. I sent it on a test run. I was bringing Django back down the minute I noticed something was wrong. I just wasn't fast enough."

"You— that is hardly— he will never walk again!"

"And I will never stop feeling guilty for that. But it certainly does not warrant harassment for the rest of my life."

"Harassment?!"

"Yeah. Did you even see me as a human, or was I just 'the fault' of your best friend getting hurt, and something for you to take your anger out on? I'm not a punching bag, Buford! I'm a person, and you're a bully and an asshole."

Phineas and Buford did not speak again.