THE XMAS SPECIAL
Christmas Disclaimer: Santa's got nothing on Star Wars, and neither do I. However, this chapter was suggested by a reviewer named Kevin, and as such, direct all praise to him.
MILLO (Zillo Beast and Mace Windu)
Uh, even I'm stunned into silence on this one. Does anyone have any idea who could have made this shipping? Anyone?
So let me get this straight, so a super massive extraterrestrial being who's the last of his species and is only semi-sentient somehow has the capability to fall in love with a Jedi who's strictly against attatchment. . . Oh, and did I mention that the Jedi in question is MACE WINDU! How many times in a row has this happened? This is the third chapter in a row that Mace has appeared with another person as his mate for next to no reason. How many times have I told you people that Mace Windu can't be paired legitamately with anyone regardless of circumstances, mainly because he's a jedi, but also because he's Mace fucking Windu. Putting aside the utter nonsense that is this ship, how the hell is a Zillo Beast even capable of mating with a human who's smaller than it by several hundred times? Just think about it. Its swollen dick reaching up Mace Windu's ass while Mace Windu just sits there like an idiot and allows it to happen. It's so OOC that it basically renders what little character he had in him to die instantly. Not even Santa could make this wish come true for you sick bastards, so don't bother trying to put it on your list, because I swear to god I will stop you.
This thing is dead you know, so unless Mace Windu is miraculously a necrophiliac, then I don't know where you could have somehow gotten this idea in your, frankly, empty head. More than half the time this thing is on screen, it's doing one of two things. Either it's rampaging through a city scape, killing dozens or hundreds, and blinded by rage. That or it's just sleeping around like a hobo, getting probed by all manner of scientists and getting tortured. But even when the second one is occuring, the Zillo Beast still manages to break out and begin to rampage around the city, once again killing hundreds of people. Yet Mace Windu, defendant of the innocent, would somehow fall in love with it somehow. That doesn't even make any sense! Not only does that make Windu a hypocrite, but it also makes him a complete idiot. That he would fall in love with a massive monster like the Zillo Beast is just ridiculous. Ugh, this special is already off to a great start.
VAHSOKA (Darth Vader and Ahsoka Tano)
Yes, the great, evil overlord of crying and bitching getting with another bitch, yay. . .
You know, the one controversy that was raised when Ahsoka was created, other than the sexual suggestiveness of her outfit, was what happened to her when Order 66 was given. Whether or not she survived the attack has been debated constantly in the Fandom, with most people agreeing that she died considering the collective hatred levied at her. Of course, the idiots out there who actually like Ahsoka tend to write out that she was saved by her beloved Rex in the middle of the attack. Okay, so assuming she survived, what the hell would happen afterward? Would she go after Anakin and attempt to redeem him for no reason? She does realize that Darth Vader is an asshole right? And the people writing this ship realize that Ahsoka Tano getting together with Vader would inevitably lead to Ahsoka dying right? Then again, if that's the end result, I suppose this shipping isn't to bad. But on the other hand, it's Vader and Ahsoka. . . never mind.
I don't understand this inane idea that Ahsoka could somehow get together with the Dark Lord of the Sith. Even if the Dark Lord is Anakin Skywalker of all things, their's no way that he could be so stupid that he would believe for a second that this stupid slut could possibly hold any actual interest in Anakin Skywalker. Considering Vader is nothing but a failure of a Dark Lord who can't kill jedi worth a shit, I don't think Ahsoka would even be interested in fucking the Dark Lord. Even Darth Sidious, the most inept Dark Lord in all recorded history, would carry more attraction for Ahsoka than some asshole armored in a stupid, cumbersome suit that allows absolutely zero erection. Seriously, if Vader ever went into a Strip club full of naked Twi'leks, then he would be screwed into the floor. His dick would probably break into fourteen pieces, that or he'd fracture it into a couple pieces. Does Ahsoka really want to be sucking that off? Meh, considering it's Ahsoka, I don't doubt it.
DEX (Count Dooku and Captain Rex)
Ah, now this is a story. Sit down children, and let me explain to you a tale for the ages. . . or for you to smoke a joint to. Whichever comes first.
You see, after Ahsoka brutally raped Rex in a Railey's alleyway, the clone trooper lost all hope in the cause and as such switched sides. However, Count Dooku wanted to test the clone before he joined, and then he commited several acts of torture on Rex's body. Now I know what you're thinking, he probably used force lightning or some sort of convoluted torture machine to completely brainwash Rex. Normally you'd be right, but when Dooku had the clone trooper stripped naked, he noticed that Rex had a massive scar on his dick. You see, Dooku has a fetish for scars, so that turned him on in no time. His old ass was on that body in less than second, and that's where it all went downhill. Not only did Dooku fail to control his force lightning mid-orgasm, but he also gave out within a minute of starting out. Dooku's like five hundred years old, so his dick lookd like a grey, wrinkled pickle that had been dried in the sun for five years. How he fit it in Rex's ass is beyond me. Even Ahsoka could fit more into Rex, and for Christ's sake she's a girl. Or something akin to a woman anyway.
Dooku seems morbidly obessesed with anything involving Rex these days. The clone trooper, of course, didn't reciprocate considering the sexual experience was the worst he had ever had in his life. It had been the second time he had been raped, and it had somehow managed to be even worse than when Ahsoka forced herself on him. I mean sure, Ahsoka may have slipped her fingers in his ass, but that's way better than having a spagetti noodle slide in and out. Hell, it was so bad that Rex actually switched sides again, and everyone just accepted him back as if nothing had ever happened. Well, except for Anakin. He had been crying for weeks on end, and he had spiraled into yet another depression that basically made him volatile to every being near him. He wouldn't even touch Amidala until after he hugged Rex several dozen times. Why Amidala never levied a suspicious glance at the two of them is beyond me, but then again, this is Amidala we're talking about. So maybe she never realized it until after she died.
OBEN (Obi-Wan Kenobi and Ben Kenobi)
Oh god, every law of everything was just broken with the advent of this ship. Paradox anyone?
So. . . wait. . . Obi-Wan Kenobi suddenly went forward in time for no apparent reason, only to meet his future self, and they would somehow fall in love for no real reason. Yet, this meeting would somehow fail to create a paradox that wouldn't destroy the universe. . . somehow. I don't get it. So wait, what if the opposite happened. If Ben Kenobi went back in time, and he was their while Order 66 came to pass and all that jazz, what if the young Obi-Wan Kenobi became Ben Kenobi? Then you would have two Ben Kenobis who were exactly the same, does that mean Ben Kenobi would be falling in love with his own past self? But wait, wouldn't that mean that the same person would be existing in the same timeline together? If the future Ben Kenobi died, would that nullify the future and would the past Kenobi cease to exist? But wait, if the past Kenobi ceased to exist, then would the overall future be destroyed as well? So many questions and absolutely no solutions, someone needs to write a fic of this for no reason at all.
Wait, so what happens when the past Kenobi goes into the future, and then somehow dies. Would the past cease to exist, and thus the future Kenobi cease to exist. But wait, if all the Kenobis die, does that mean the events that they were a part of didn't happen either? Uggggggggggghhhhhhhhh. . . I don't get this insane idea at all. Their are so many paradoxes created by this stupid thing, and their are even more peripheral holes created by just these two even meeting in any time period. Not only is Obi-Wan able to break the laws of physics like it's nothing these days, but apparently he's not even repulsed by his future self. Of course, I'm not surprised at all. Still, you have to wonder just what makes this idiot tick in his fucked up head.
DADME (Dorme and Padme Amidala)
Another lesbian couplet? It's been a while Padme, get ready to be destroyed utterly, again.
It's quite the reunion when a character gets abrutly put on the back burner, atleast until some other idiot decides to pair that character up with some other random person in the Fandom. That's exactly what's happening here. When was the last time I actually ripped a pairing with Padme involved? Its been a while, which of course I don't regret because this shipping is fucking stupid. Dorme is just some poor girl who obliviously joined Padme's royal guard, and was then brutally raped as initiation. Whether or not she enjoyed it is debatable, and part of me doesn't even want to know, but the fact stands that Padme is an asshole who decided she needed to get off. But instead of doing what very other being the universe does, as in masturbation/ejaculation, she instead decided to revert to the next best thing, which would be rape. And when she saw Dorme's ass under all those robes, well, we all know what happened then. I mean, why else do you think she was so quiet and emotionless in the Phantom Menace? Because Padme was basically her abusive master who beat her ass if she spoke louder than a single octave.
I guarantee you she was happy as could be when Padme was forced to leave Coruscant to avoid assassination attemps. Their were naked orgies all around, alcohol passed around Coruscant, and blow jobs were offered for half off. In other words, it was a pretty good day. Even Yoda snuck out of the temple at night, and he didn't get back until five p.m., covered in cum and silly string. I don't know where he stuck those stubby claws of his, but Dorme and him were never quite the same whenever they were in the same room together. Then Padme got back, and these two were forced to endure Anakin's constant whining together, and for once they worked together to force Anakin to stay off the planet and on jedi led missions. And it worked. For every year the war went on, Anakin met with Padme approximately three times. While he was gone, Padme and Dorme, and all the other Handmaidens for that matter, would have fun together in their underwear, or none at all. Either way, by the time Padme died, no one on Coruscant had their virginity left to be stolen.
LAN (Lando Calrissian and Han Solo)
The new pimp returns since a couple chapters ago, and for once it doesn't involve a three way with two guys. Amazing right?
Most of you probably forgot about Han since the last time he appeared in the story, wherein he had a massive three way with Luke and Leia. I can understand why you guys would supress such a memory, but unfortunately we all have to face our fears on Christmas, and as such we must face the horror that is Han Solo sucking a big black dick. Trust me, this wasn't my choice in the least, had I had my way, I would have simply pretended this shipping simply didn't exist and we could act like the world was just and right. However, I am beholden to what the reviewers request, and when one person asked that I attempt to tear this shipping apart, I had no choice but to grudgingly agree. So when Han Solo officially began his career as a Star Wars pimp, he chose the first morsel that came to mind. This morsel was the the only other black guy in the universe still alive, Lando Calrissian. I won't get into the specifics about how Han went about capturing his prey, because I think you've been traumatized enough. The only thing you need to know is that afterward Lando couldn't sit down for seven months. Neither could he take a proper dump anywhere.
Lando's an asshole, mainly because after Han screwed him into a wall, he decided to make a whole TV special about the feeling of it. Needless to say, the experience of watching it destroyed what little faith in humanity I had left in my soul. I don't know how Lando managed to write every experience in a journal while it happened, since those experiences seemed so horrible that it would be impossible to concentrate, atleast in my eyes. Yet, Lando managed to do it, and he read that diary in explicit detail for half of the three hour special. I swear to god that he jacked off to it halfway through the reading. All those white specks on the camera might have explained that one.
JARKILLER (Juno Eclipse and Starkiller a.k.a. Galen Marek)
I'm surprised that this shipping has gotten put off for so long considering how mainstream it is.
Usually I prefer to tackle the canon shippings first considering they're ones that everyone is supposed to know, or has written about at some point. Jarkiller is something that everyone knows about, even if they haven't played the Force Unleashed. The thing about this ship is that the two people within are just boring and inane. Starkiller is just some asshole who walks around blasting anything and anyone with random force lightning or force pushes. He has little to no personality, and his loyalty is so fickle that it's always difficult to tell whether or not he's for or against Juno Eclipse, who is also incredibly boring and uninteresting. Other than his overexaggerated force powers, their is nothing in particular that makes him even vaguely interesting in the least. He has little to no tact when it comes to discussing with woman, and he also gives off a horrible sense of depression and anger for no apparent reason. Since he doesn't really strike me as a darksider, this strange aura doesn't really make any sense in relation to the character.
Juno Eclipse is a character who seems obsessed with being completely uninteresting. Her oddly british voice carries little to no inflection even when she is placed in mortal danger. She's kinda hot, but that doesn't really help when her personality is so bland and dry. She's timid and shy, but instead of possibly coming out as a stronger woman, she just stays the same and randomly falls in love with Starkiller. These two might work because of their matching personalities, but writing them is basically a living hell when you have so little material to work with. These two characters have little to no character traits that distinguish them from other characters, and it's almost impossible to make a decent story with such boring characters. This shipping isn't bad so much as it is just boring as hell, and so I can't endorse it in any way.
GRIEVE-PO (General Grievous and C3-PO)
People do realize that these two never officially met right?
The non-compatability of these two characters is almost nonsensical, considering Grievous seems ready to kill any robot that comes within a foot of his lightsaber. Despite being a robot himself, Grievous holds no love for his own species, and thus commits mass genocide every single day of his miserable life. Oh yeah, because a prissy and incredibly annoying protocol droid, who serves no purpose in combat, could totally earn his place in the nonexistent heart of a murderous droid general. C3-PO would die within five seconds of meeting Grievous, especially since he never shuts up with his stupid odds and such. Grievous is a moron (Who should probably go out with Shaak Ti. . . in my opinion) who doesn't even comprehend odds. All he seems to do is flip a coin and see whether or not he should attack or retreat, and even if it turns out he should attack according to the coin, he still retreats simply out of cowardice. Which doesn't even make any sense, considering he's going up against such foes as Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker. Anakin would be to busy crying, and Obi-Wan would be blowing a guy, so it would almost be a guaranteed victory.
Not to mention, C3-PO basically serves the purpose of a barely tolerated housewife. Grievous has a more intolerant attitude toward everything than R2-D2 does, and it wouldn't surprise me one bit if Grievous smacked her everyday just for fun. Hell, it wouldn't surprise me either if C3-PO enjoyed it to. They usually end up sneaking off into the bed chamber with an escort of eight droids with them as they walk into their bedroom, and by the time they get out later, as in ten hours later, they walk out with all eight droids missing and C3-PO missing his vagina and his arm. Those droids were never seen again, but the other droids swear they can still hear their screams when they walk past the bedroom. Or maybe it's just C3-PO getting abused sexually again, whichever comes first. Oh, and did I mention that these two are both guys, as far as I know. (Okay, so admittedly C3-PO's sexuality is questionable, but since it's Christmas, I'll be lenient).
JOTA (Juno Eclipse and Kota Rahm)
A couple of uninteresting characters is bad enough, but when those two characters are completely incompatible, it's just unbearable.
Rahm Kota was a Jedi General who seemed incapable of doing anything with any level of competence before Order 66 hit, and then everything just got a whole lot worse. Shaak Ti went on to Felucia and became a smoking hot cougar dressed up in a bikini made of leaves, so that all worked out. But what did Kota do? He just hung around pointlessly for a couple years, sitting on his old ass, while progressively getting uglier. He then formed a sort of small rebellion, which basically amounted to a bunch of pointless damage that had no bearing on reality, and which faded away within a couple days of conception. Then he got into a fight with Starkiller, and he ineviatably lost the battle, also losing his sight. Yet despite this injury, he still managed to somehow survive a several million feet long fall down into the atmosphere of Nar Shaddaa. Then he became a drunk old man. How any of that would attract a woman like Juno Eclipse is beyond me.
Rahm Kota is not only a one dimensional character, but he's also incompetent at what he does. For one thing, he can't even beat an old shit like Palpatine even when the Emperor was deprived of his lightsaber and he was battered by Starkiller. After Juno lost Starkiller becuase apparently he was incapable of beating the Emperor too, Rahm attempted to make a move on the blonde, but she pretty much just blew him and knocked him unconscious afterward. Needless to say, Rahm was not pleased by this outcome. Of course, Juno had moved on by then. Since Starkiller's own emotional level had stopped affecting her own, she suddenly gained a personality and started doing everything in her power to get a man hunk. Then the second Starkiller came back, and she suddenly fell right back in love with him somehow. So Rahm commited suicide out of sadness, and everyone else just kinda shrugged their shoulders and started making out for no reasons.
CAHSOKA (Cad Bane and Anakin Skywalker)
Since everyone reading this probably knows my feelings about Anakin Skywalker at this point, this shipping is going to be mainly devoted to how ridiculously contrived Cad Bane truly is.
Cad Bane is some randon bounty hunter who no one even knew about until Lucas Arts decided that Boba Fett wasn't enough, instead he wanted to create an even cooler bounty hunter with a synthesized voice and a duster coat like he's some idiot cowboy. Hell, he even had a big ass hat. Yet despite this, we're still supposed to take this guy seriously as if he were actually good at his job. Hell, one time he captured Anakin. He literally had his arms bound and on his knees, without his lightsaber and totally disarmed, but Cad still refused to kill him for some ridiculous reason that makes no sense. This is where the proponents of this shipping swoop in like retards and start spouting their ridiculous theories about how Cad Bane kept Anakin alive because he loved him or some bullshit. Half the time this reason isn't even given within the story, instead they decide that Cad Bane suddenly did a full 360 in terms of behavior before the story took place, and is now in love with the bitch for no reason. So Cad Bane, you are a failure.
I've seen this shit happening with Ahsoka to. Everytime I look up the Fandom, I see stories where Cad Bane is now apparently the saint of the universe, because he makes no attempt to torture or even harm Ahsoka despite being a cold blooded killer. Anakin's even worse because he's been the foil to Cad's plans even since he was introduced to the series, and yet they somehow still manage to stay in the same room without getting into a new argument every six seconds. Because a ruthless Bounty Hunter could totally get along with a goody two shoes Jedi like Anakin, right? I mean, is that what these people are going for? Because if they are, they're failing miserably. Who could believe this bullshit? Anyone who's seen any of the seasons of the Clone Wars would know that Cad Bane is not some lovey dovey, dick loving, male whore (As far as I know anyway) who would never go out with a jedi. It doesn't make any sense!
Merry Christmas everybody! And enjoy the New Year with whoever you're spending it with. Bye! And once again, thanks to Kevin for giving me the idea.