Chapter Twenty-One

The healing process was slow and the patient difficult. He slept a lot, but when he was awake he was either furious with frustration or depressed about his uncooperative body and it required all of Claire's patience to calm him down or to encourage him. He hated his helplessness, he hated the potions he had to take, he hated the hospital food, he hated the exercises he had to do, he hated the artificial cheerfulness of the healers and he hated the staring and whispering he had encountered during a short, but tiring walk around the ward with Claire.

"Like an animal in the zoo," he had scoffed and Claire had to use all her persuasiveness to make him continue these walks. For hours he would lie in bed, staring at the ceiling with unseeing eyes, and all Claire could do was sit next to him, trying to make him understand how much she loved him, trying to convince herself that he still loved her. His bad temper and fits of anger were hard to bear and sometimes she could only keep herself from shouting at him by leaving the room and going for long and brisk walks. At these times the idea of taking Susanna from Hogwarts and running away from it all, going on a long holiday somewhere nice and warm seemed very alluring. She didn't have the energy to put up with the tantrums of convalescence! But then she told herself that after all he had been through he had every right to be grumpy and went back to his bedside. He usually was sorry then, apologized and promised to keep his moods under control. He never was able to keep his promise.

With the exception of some short visits to her house Claire was staying with Severus all the time. When he was in a better mood she read news from the Daily Prophet to him. Two years at Hogwarts had taught her to concentrate on the print without being distracted by the moving pictures.

"There is still nothing about Dumbledore's pensieve or Scrimgeour's reasons for hiding it," Claire said, scanning the pages of the paper.

A very short note about Snape's rehabilitation had appeared two days after the trial on the last page but one and in very small print. Nothing else had been written about the mysterious actions of the former Minister of magic – either there had been no further investigations into the matter or they had not been made public.

"What did you expect? The whole affair is extremely embarrassing for the Ministry, they prefer not to announce it to the public," he answered with a harsh laugh.

"Well, it would have made things easier for you. Someone should write a letter to the editor and complain."

"No," he said vehemently, "it would take me back into the limelight. I don't want that, Claire, I want to be left in peace. Perhaps the truth will come out eventually." His face was sad and resigned.

Claire shrugged and continued reading. "There is a new Minister of Magic. His name is Anthony Cameron. Do you know him?"

"Anthony Cameron – there was a Tony Cameron at school with me. Could it be him?" "There's a picture: Fair hair, round face and glasses. And here's his age, he's 42."

Severus chuckled. "Yes, that must be him. He was in Ravenclaw. Well, it he hasn't changed completely since our school days they have elected a straightforward, stand-no-nonsense bureaucrat this time. Extremely honest, hard working and completely without imagination. Quite the opposite of his two predecessors. I didn't know he had gone into politics."

"Here it says that he is a newcomer, that they wanted someone with a blank record, someone from outside."

"Yeah, right. He'll learn soon, but that won't concern me much. I'm going to stay as far away from the Ministry as possible."

He yawned and closed his eyes. Soon he was asleep again.

When Minerva McGonnagal arrived on Saturday she was met with a foul mood. Severus had collapsed on his way to the bathroom and the fury about his weakness made him monosyllabic and bad-tempered.

"This is not easy for you," the old witch said when Claire saw her out of the ward. Claire just grimaced and said nothing. Once again she was close to tears. The old witch put her arm around Claire's shoulder in an uncharacteristic gesture of sympathy.

"We must allow him some time, I presume, tell me if you need help."

Claire tried to produce a brave smile.

It took nearly another week for Severus to become stronger. On Friday Claire went to her house and returned with some clothes for him. He put them on obediently, glad to get out of the hospital robes, eager to follow Claire wherever she intended to take him. However, when Claire returned to his room and saw him, her heart sank: The everyday Muggle clothes, jeans and a grey jumper, underlined the fact that he still looked far from healthy. They hung loosely on his emaciated form, stood in contrast to his pale skin, emphasized the fact that his body still lacked strength. And yet he tried to hold himself very erect, furiously determined not to give in to his weakness this time.

They made a trip to a nearby Muggle optician to get his glasses made. When they returned Severus was exhausted, but this time full of optimism, because he had learned that he really would be able to see properly.

Now they were sitting in the two visitors' chairs at the window drinking tea. While complaining about other kinds of food and drink continuously, tea was something that could always lighten Severus' mood. Today he seemed to enjoy it tremendously, sipping the fragrant liquid with slow and delighted mouthfuls.

"I never thought I would miss it so much," he said thoughtfully. The first time he mentioned something about his time in prison.

"It was awful, wasn't it?" Claire prompted carefully, half expecting an angry rebuke. Instead he went on with a mirthless laugh.

"It's supposed to be awful. The conditions are abominable, the cold, the dirt, the poor food. But what is worst is not the lack of comfort, it's the humiliation, that you are completely at their mercy, that you are not in control of your life."

His voice had been calm, but now he shuddered. Claire swallowed to get rid of the lump in her throat. She didn't know what to say. Everything would sound like pity and he didn't want pity. They fell silent again until Severus cleared his throat and turned towards her.

"Claire, it's over, I'm free. For the first time in my adult life I'm under no obligations to anybody. The mark, look," he pulled up his sleeve and held out his forearm, " It is gone!"

Claire looked at his arm, ran a finger over the smooth skin. "Yes, it's gone."

She smiled at him, expecting an expression of joy or relief on his face. But what she saw was strain and anxiety. What was troubling him now, what was wrong? She forced herself to stay calm and wait for him to continue.

"I can try to lead a normal life now and," he hesitated, looking away from her and out the window, "I needn't be afraid of sharing it with somebody." His voice became hoarse and he cleared his throat again. "Claire, I don't know what the future will have in store for me, but – would you like to - stay with me – to marry me?"

Claire looked at him in disbelief. She could only see his profile, he had gone slightly pink and his jaws were clenched as he stared at the clouds in the sky. She could not help it; she burst into a fit of hysterical laughing.

He turned towards her, his face white again and expressionless.

"I can see you don't consider this a serious option. Then forget it. I can understand you." His eyes were as cold as his voice when he continued quietly, "I'm perfectly aware that I'm not much of a man anymore, I can barely walk for ten minutes without breaking down with exhaustion, I don't know if my body will ever heal again properly, many people still have doubts about my loyalty, I'm not well-off, I haven't got a job and as for my good looks – well…" he paused for breath and touched the scar on his cheek, letting out a bitter laugh.

"Severus?" Claire said carefully. Her heart was beating rapidly, but she tried to keep her voice calm. "Severus, stop that nonsense. Of course I want to marry you. I'm sorry for laughing, the proposal was just so unexpected."

There was silence, he turned and watched her intensely. "Can you say that again?"

"I want to marry you, Severus."

She went over to his chair. Slowly he got up and pulled her into his arms.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, Severus, absolutely sure."

"You are informed that a wizard's marriage is for life?" he asked.

"Yes, that's good, so you can't tell me to leave ever again."

They remained in the embrace; Claire's arms hugged his thin body, holding him very fast. She could feel his hands on her back and in her hair, she could feel that this was the first time he was able to enjoy their moment of intimacy with all his heart, without being afraid of endangering her by his love. She would have liked this moment to last forever…

An angry cough made them pull apart. The healer.

"Time for your potions, Mr Snape."

Thanks to J.K. Rowling for the inspiring characters