Chapter 21: I Deserve This But Damn This Sucks

I went to her window. I just had to see...be there. It's so damn hard to stay away. But this time it was different than the last few times I'd come. The light was on. The window was unlocked. Hell even the curtains were open. Kelly came back. She's here. Oh my God. The relief overwhelmed me. I had to make it right. Had to make her smile again. I tapped and saw her. It was like nothing had happened. Well almost. She opened it and as I climbed in, I saw the wetness around her eyes. Why...Why's she crying? Is it still cuz of me? God how do I make up for this...I have to find a way...

"How could you let him do it Jake?" she said, staring at me.

"Let who do what?" I said, cocking an eyebrow, "What's going on?"

I tried come close to her, to hold her to make her feel better but she shrugged me off. Okay...something's up. What the hell? She hugged herself as she stared at me. "How could you let him," she said as she stood by the window, "how could you let Drake kill my dad?"

"What?" I said, approaching her, "There's no way-What are you talking about?, I-I-I just saw him…Kelly I swear..."

"Drake killed him," she said, another tear coming down her cheek, "Right in front of me. He bit him, drained him and I...I couldn't do anything…." She wiped her eyes and sniffled, "Where were you?"

I gulped, "I...I wasn't on patrol yet...Jared and Paul were here. They should've stopped him-I-I-"

"Why weren't you?," she asked, a tear slipping down her cheek. "You're supposed to protect me...my family…"

"I was just," I gulped, "I was getting some sleep…before my turn to keep watch…"

"So," she stared at me, "You let my dad die because you were... tired?" She shook her head, "You're never tired around me…You always stay awake..."

"Kelly," I reached for her hand but she kept her arms crossed, "I swear I didn't mean for this to happen-"

She turned away from me, looking out her window. "I loved you Jake," she said, voice wavering, "How could you do this to me? I thought you were my protector..."

"I am your protector," I gulped, "I'm sorry I-"

"You're sorry?" she said, turning back to face me, "My Dad is dead and all you can say is you're sorry?"

"Kelly I-" My chest heaved. Oh God. I've failed her. As if she hated me before now….now her dad is gone and it's my fault...

Suddenly Drake appeared behind her, next to the window.

"Kelly...don't move," I warned.

"Why not?" she said, "He loves me. He wants me...he always has. I was never his second choice," she said.

I gulped. I can't believe what I'm hearing. No. No no no no. Kelly no.

"He'll keep me safe and never hurt me. Won't you Drake?", She turned and looked back at him.

"Of course," he replied, "Are you ready then?"

"Yes," she said, nodding, tilting her head and exposing her neck.

Without another second wasted, he met my gaze, grinned, then sunk his teeth into her.

"No!" I screamed, lunging toward him. They disappeared. I screamed her name. I rushed to find them. Next thing I knew, I jolted awake, feeling the sweat running down my temples. I was in my room, a pillow now ripped to shreds. The moon shone through my window. I ran a hand through my hair. What the hell? Oh my God. It better not be real...I rushed out, phasing and sprinting towards her house. As I approached, I saw Jared and Paul approaching me.

"What's up Jake...you hear something?"

"Is...is Joe okay?"

That nightmare...her face. I had to know for sure.

"Snoozing away. Think he might be louder than Paul."

"Shut up Jared."

"You okay?"

"Yeah fine...just a bad dream I guess."

Understatement.

"We got this Jake."

"Yeah bud, go get some sleep."

"I know I just-"

"Look, we know you're worried but we can handle this. It's our job too. You can relieve us in a few hours."

"Yeah...I will."

"Just a dream Jake-none of us will ever let anything happen to her family."

"Yeah...I know."

I phased back, heading back home. I sunk back onto my bed but sleep wasn't coming back. No matter how tired I felt, there's no way sleep was happening. I kept seeing her face...the tears..then Drake sinking his teeth in...I clenched my fists. Never. No way. He's not gonna win. He will NEVER turn her. She's not gonna be one of them. Nope. Never. God this sucks. Why do I feel like I'm not doing enough? How can I do more? I mean we got patrols, we're watching them and she's just-Can't think about that. If I do...Aw man. God I miss her. Distraction. I need a distraction. Better a distraction then thinking about how I'm such a stupid-

I put in a movie, not even looking at which one. Love Actually. Nice. Of course I'd pick that one. The minute the opening scenes came on the memories flood back into my brain. How I didn't give a damn about the popcorn that night. I was trying to be good...for awhile. But honestly I just wanted-needed her hand in mine. Then when she leaned against me….I groaned. I missed it. I missed how it felt being so close to her. Sometimes I don't even think she was cold...and I can't complain. I might've then because I was stupidly hanging on to someone else but now-I'd give anything to have it back. The movie is still good but...it'll never be as good without her next to me. Without her watching my every reaction to see if I liked it. God I should've kissed her that night. I wanted to, can't deny that….My stomach growled. God I've barely eaten since she's been gone. And I'm a wolf! I have a huge damn appetite. I went into the kitchen, hoping Rach left something. Wasn't really anything left. Dammit Paul. At least heleft some potato chips. I munched on those but my thoughts kept drifting back to her. Her face. Her smile. That laugh. I want her back so much. My focus-even on protection is off. I mean, that nightmare shook me. Nothing shakes me usually. I'm a damn mess. This must be what real love feels like. And you know what? It sucks.

Days went by. Then a week. Our patrols probably pissed the bloodsucker off. Good. He's not coming near them. We had a few brief encounters but he kept his damn distance. Probably sizing us up, trying to find a weak spot. Good luck. We don't have those. And I'll never let him hurt her family. Never. If there's one thing I am good at, it's keeping her safe.

Then 8 days went by, 9, 10, 11….13. 13 days. How the hell am I still going? She still didn't come back. She would've texted, called or something right? Oh man. I really messed it up. It she was gonna come back she would've by now. It's over. All over. I swallowed. How the hell am I gonna get over her? I'm not. Let's be honest. There is no getting over her. She's my imprint. I walked outside and headed toward the garage. I leaned against the garage door. I glanced in at the Rabbit. Maybe I should just go get her...How far is Wisconsin anyway? I mean I know she wants space but I can't take this anymore...

"Not leavin' again, are ya kid?"

I whipped around to see my dad. "No," I sighed, "I'm giving her what she needs. Even if it's killin' me."

I slumped on the stool. Glancing over at him, I saw he raised a brow. I sighed. "You don't have to worry dad, I'm not gonna run away again," I sighed again, "Not when there's even a tiny chance she might come back."

"I know," he said, coming closer, "That's not why I'm here."

I raised a brow. "Then what?" I asked.

He stopped next to me, putting a hand on my shoulder. "How are you holdin' up?"

"I don't even know," I said, looking at him.

"She'll come back, Jacob, she loves you."

"Everyone keeps saying that," I said, "But just because you love a person doesn't mean ...that doesn't mean she can forgive everything."

"And everyone can't be right in this case?" he paused, "Or you don't want to have hope in case she doesn't?"

"Dad, I love her," I swallowed, " More than anything and I screwed up everything. Just by one word. I don't even know why she does love me…. if she still does. I don't even know if she should give me another chance," I sighed, "It doesn't make any damn sense."

"That's what love is," he chuckled, "Never makes sense. Hell I never knew what your mother saw in me or why she put up with me."

I paused, glancing at him. "You never talk about her…" I said, "Mom."

He didn't say anything, only looked away for a moment.

"I know you miss her," I said, "I wish...I wish I could remember her."

"You can see her in Rachel, she's a spitting image of her," he said, glancing back at me, "And you-you're just like her. Stubborn to a damn fault. Both of you...you fight for what you want and never give up," he smiled, "That doesn't come from me."

"Do you…" I paused, "Do you ever wish it was you that died-not her?"

This time he sighed. "I did, for awhile," he said, "But not anymore. With Sue...we both need each other. Your mom is in a better place. I know that she's happy there and proud of all of you and what you've become."

"Sue...," I nodded, "She's good for you."

"You got your own girl to worry about-" he nudged me, grinning.

I laughed. "I just mean," I paused, "I'm glad your happy."

"I'll be more happy when you are," he said, pausing a second, "Look, I know Bella hurt you. But I also know you finally see how much better Kelly is for you. It'll be nice when you two are on the same page. You both deserve to be happy."

"Thanks Dad."

"Alright," he said, "Enough of this sappy stuff. I better get inside before Paul eats the meal I'm hungry for."

I chuckled, "Good luck."

I glanced one more time at the Rabbit. I really do just want to go get her. But I can't. She needs time. I just...I miss her so damn much. But at the two week mark...hell she's not coming back...she's probably gonna get the jump on college. I need to just accept it... I can't. Can I? I want her to be happy...hell isn't that what people say? That they want the other person to be happy even if it's not with them? I call bullshit. At least in my case. I'm selfish. I want her more than anything. That's just something people say to make ourselves feel better for not getting the person they love. My dad's right. I do fight for what I want. Then why the hell am I not fighting harder? I do. I need to. I have to. She needs to know that I'm not giving up on her. I never will. She's my damn destiny, for cryin' out loud, I'm not about to give up on that.

Inside, I sat on my bed. I looked her picture again. I love this picture. Why aren't there any more pictures of us? I wish I took more, listened more….focused on just her. You really don't know what you got til it's gone. Again, bullshit. I know what I had. She's everything I could ever want. Beautiful. Smart. Funny. And she gets me...inside and out. Knows everything I love and hate. Hell, she calls me out when I need it and when no one else does. And I messed it up. She's not gonna come back. I felt a hole in my chest. The same damn hole that grew last time we were apart. I can't take it. She deserves to know the truth, even if I can't tell her face to face. I picked up my phone and dialed Joe.

"Hello?"

"It's Jake-please don't hang up," I said, "I'm calling to apologize...I know you're still mad-"

"Jacob-"

"...And you should be. I am protecting her and you and Eric and that's not gonna change I just-I love her. If she's not gonna come back, will you please just tell her that?"

"You can tell her yourself."

"What?" I said, "How?"

"She's coming back tomorrow."

I swallowed. Tomorrow. Tomorrow she'd be back in La Push. Home. That hole...suddenly it got a whole lot smaller.

"She expects me to be at the airport at 3."

"Okay so then you'll be back around 4...wait…," I paused, "Why 'expects' you?"

"I'm not picking her up," he said matter-of-factly, "You are."

"I-I am?" I said, "What if she's still mad?"

"Then you need to work it out."

"I don't want her to get back on a plane…" I swallowed, "She might if she sees me."

"If you tell her what you just told me," he said, "She won't."

"Are you gonna tell her...that I'm coming?"

"Nope," he said, "Call it a surprise."

I paused. Wow. "Thank you."

"Oh and Jake?"

"Yeah?"

"Don't mess this one up, kay kid?"

Then he hung up. Oh God. Tomorrow. Tomorrow I'm going to see her again. And he's right. This is one thing I can't mess up. Kelly's coming home. She needs to know how I feel...hell how everyone feels. I texted everyone. I even called Joe back. A party. She deserves a welcome home. Besides, who the hell knows what'll happen during our car ride. Her first night back home has to be perfect and who better than her friends and family right? She needs to see the impact she has on others….Hell I'm inviting everyone. The whole damn town. Okay so I'm guiting her a little bit. But I can't let her leave again. I'd never survive. Hell, I don't even know if I will tomorrow. But for now, I don't care. The girl who stole my heart is coming home...and now I gotta figure out how to keep her here, for good.