Red Lightning
S3E5: FOOTBALL HOOLIGANS!
(Part 5 of the Lightning Strike Saga)
Hey, My Name is Hector. I'm a Super Psycho. And I work at The Bounce.
The Bounce is an awesome music club, with the best bands, drinks and company. Everybody is welcome, and Super-Psychos are given equal employment opportunities.
So come to the Bounce, where everyone is welcome! Except for Neo-Nazis! I really don't like Neo-Nazis!
Conner's flat was alive with laughter one particular moment. Future Fungus & Harlequin Bondage had invented a photo-time-machine. Basically, you could step into a projection, and be transported back to that era. Conner had been testing out the machine, and his antics were the source of the laughter.
Sadie walked in to the lounge, having come back from "Shopping"
"Whats going on?" She asked. She looked at the wall the photo was projected on.
It was a World War 2 photo, and Hitler was giving a speech in German from a rooftop. A few feet away, Conner was on the same building.
"Don't listen to him!" Conner yelled. "He's a complete and total nutter!"
Conner's friends broke out in snickers as Hitler went up to Conner and punched him in the face. Conner responded by tackling him, resulting a fist fight on the floor.
Sadie groaned. "What's he doing now? He's scuffling with Adolf Hitler!"
Conner walked out of the projection, clutching a suitcase.
"I've just nicked his briefcase." Conner chuckled. The Gang went over to the coffee table, eager to see what was inside. Conner pulled out a pair of red, furry handcuffs, which resulted in a volume of significant looks and snickers.
Cameron pulled out a sandwich, which he opened and looked at the filling.
"Banana & Crisps, not bad." He noted.
F.F pulled out a personal organise, which H.B took, knowing German.
"Pick up Milk, talk to young James, invade Papa New Guinea." She read.
Conner dipped in the case a pulled out a parcel. He put it to his ear.
"It's a box that goes tock." He said.
"Hmm, reminds me of this documentary I once watched. Somebody tried to assassinate Hitler by putting a bomb in his briefcase." Sadie said.
There was a very brief pause before Conner's living room erupted in panic. Harley & F-F cowered under the coffee table, while Sadie attempted to drape Cameron over the package, hoping it would cushion the blast.
Conner looked left, then looked right. Seeing no other ways of exit, he drop kicked the bomb back into the projection. It exploded in the picture, and Future Fungus yanked the plug for the projector out of the socket.
"Wow Conner, that's quite a kick "HOO" got there." Cameron noted. "I think it ought to be put "HOO" good use."
Future Fungus reached insight the viney tangle that was his torso, and pulled out a football.
"FOOTBALL!" Four of the five housemates yelled in unison, then running out to The Park.
"I'm surrounded by idiots." Sadie said.
Hector, Nathan, Ed and the rest of them were sitting at picnic table 27#, and Hector was thumping The Black Box against the table, trying to get a reaction.
"Hector, put that thing down." Pinkie Pie said, as she placed a giant cake on the table. "I brought cake, what did everybody else bring?"
"I brought Coca Cola & Bacon." Hector said as he put two thermoses on the table. Each thermos had a few stripes of bacon in them, which were marinating in cola.
"Yum." Ed said, licking his lips at the thought of Hector's contribution. He reached into his jacket. "I brought gravy cakes." he said as he slammed them in the table.
Nathan put a greasy paper bag on the table. "I brought grilled tarantulas. They're Elk-fed."
"And we brought Mayonnaise!" Ami and Yumi said. "Now, let the company picnic commence!" They both hollered.
Everybody put their hands up and gave a cheer.
About half an hour later, The Staff of the Bounce sat at their table, rubbing their distended stomachs.
"Hector." Ami moaned.
"Yeah?" Hector responded.
"Will you rub my tu-"
Ami was interrupted by a football smacking her in the back of the head. A familiar character ran up to them, obviously the owner of the ball.
It was Future Fungus.
"You?" Hector said in shock.
"Relax shock-jock, I'm not here on business. I just want the ball back." Future Fungus said, pointing the football.
"Oh, you guys playing football then?" Nathan asked, his interest perked.
"Yeah." Future Fungus nodded.
"Yo John, you got the ball yet?" Harley shouted from across the field.
"I told you never to call me that!" Future Fungus, or "John", screamed. "How would you feel if I started calling you your real name, Winnie Lordnelson."
"HOW DARE YOU!" Harlequin yelled. The clown girl ran over to F-F and snatched the ball out of his hands. She looked at Ed and blushed.
"Hey, Big Ed." She giggled nervously, wiggling her fingers as a wave.
Ed shuffled away awkwardly, and Pinkie Pie wrapped her forelegs around Ed, giving Harley a dirty look.
Soon, all of Conner's gang was gathered around the Bounce's picnic table.
"So, what are you guys doing here?" Yumi asked, hoping her ex wasn't stalking her. (Conner smiles a lot. It's really creepy. Who wouldn't make that assumption?)
"I think 'HOO' know why we're here." Cameron said, narrowing his eyes. Conner pulled out a blue scarf, while Hector pulled out a red one.
"FOOTBALL!" Conner & Hector said in unison, waving their scarves.
"Wow, you guys play?" Nathan said, almost sounding impressed. Almost being a key word here.
"Yeah," Cameron hooted. "My boy Conner's the best damn striker I've ever seen." Cameron said, patting Conner on the back.
"Ahem, I think you'll find, I'm the best." Nathan boasted, pointing his thumb towards himself.
The resulted in a dirty look from everybody but Conner, who admired Nathan's confidence.
Sadie fought her way to the front of the group, wearing thick sunglasses so people wouldn't look into her eyes.
"You wanna prove it punk!? Sadie growled. "Cause you better check yourself."
Hector got up in her face. "What! I'm a superhero dammit. I don't check myself! Not for you! Not for ticks! And not for melanoma!" Hector growled, prodding Sadie's not-yet developed chest.
Sadie grumbled as she pulled Hector's finger away.
"Tomorrow, 11 AM, here. Football Match, four aside. First to 10 goals wins." Sadie said.
"Deal!" Pinkie yelled, without anyone else's consent.
"Fine, Tomorrow!" Nathan growled as the heroes left in a huff, taking their rubbish with them.
After that, Conner, Cameron, Winnie & John left. But Sadie remained. She pulled out her pink mobile phone (Which somebody was "nice" enough to give her.)
"Hey Percy." Sadie said into the phone. "Have I got a business opportunity for you."
Tomorrow came quickly. The Staff of the Bounce was getting ready for the big match. Yumi and Ami had elected to not be part of the team, but had bought Manchester United t-shirts for Nathan, Ed, Hector & Pinkie Pie.
"Alright team. I just want to say this. This isn't about winning. This is about having fun." Yumi said.
"But, if you do loose, you're all fired!" Ami snapped.
"Fair enough!" Team Captain Hector B. Railway said as he saluted.
"Hector, you'll be goalie, Ed will be you're defense. Pinkie'll be on the wing and Nathan will be up front." Ami said.
"Okay." The team said. "Go, The Bounce!"
Sadie had apparently made a lot of phone calls.
Half of Peach Creek mustn't been present. Their was a large stadium set up, courtesy of Rolf and his "Crazy Concrete Manipulation Powers". There were banners everywhere, advertising "Psychoball! The Nu-Sport!"
Half the people there were cheering wildly, rooting for either "The Bounce" or "The Underground". There was even a betting stall.
Of course, a small minority of people where camped outside with racist slogans on picket signs, like "Football not 4 Freaks" and "Super-Psychos should be in camps!"
Ami and Yumi found they had special passes to sit in a spectators booth. There, they found Rolf, Kevin, Vicken, Jamie and The Chameleon.
Even Percy was outside.
It sort of made Yumi happy. In the audience, she could see Super-Psychos and Humans cheering together and hugging, all for the love of Football.
"Hey, Ami, Yumi, sit down, take a weight off!" Vicken invited. "Have a sprite!"
"I got fifty big ones on Hector." Kevin said to Rolf, as he stretched his arm over to the buffet table and grabbed a bag of Fanta.
"Ho Ho," Rolf said, as he conjured a small footwear out of masonry. "We shall see Kevin, we shall see."
Liverpudlian was standing in the middle of the stadium, holding a football. He was wearing a black and white stripped jersey, and had a whistle around his neck.
A lot of the crowd wanted The Bounce to win, with only a small minority of Super-Psychos and Humans giving their support to The Underground.
"This is worse than playing away at Leeds." Harlequin Bondage sighed.
"Alright, I want a good clean game. Powers are allowed! Anything goes!" He explained. He held a football in his hands, and using his metal legs, leapt 20 stories into the air, and slammed the football back to earth.
The Match began.
"I call goalie!" Future Fungus said, quickly. Future Fungus ran to The Underground's goal, and Hector did the same.
Nathan was quick to take the ball, professionally dribbling it towards The Underground's goal. He took a running kick, and punted the ball towards Future Fungus.
Future Fungus stuck his hands out, and a trio of giant Venus Flytraps sprung out of the ground, one of which swallowing the ball.
"Harley, it's on you!" Future Fungus shouted, catching the clown girl's attention across the field. A Venus Flytrap burst out of the ground, spitting out the football.
Harley head-butted the ball and bounced it towards The Burrowing Owl.
"Cam, take it underground!" Harley shouted.
"On it!" Cam shouted in confirmation. He clutched the ball with his owl-y feet and dived into the earth, leaving a trail of overturned earth behind him.
The trail headed straight for the Bounce's goal. Ed, who was in defence, steeled himself for his prepared technique.
Burrowing Owl burst free from the ground ready to header the ball into The Bounce's goal. Ed, flung himself into Cameron, stopping The Burrowing Owl in his tracks. Ed's feet dug into the ground, but he could still feel the enormous force exerted by Cameron's giant wings.
"Pin…kie!" Ed groaned, holding Cameron back by the chest.
The fluffy pink pony galloped up and jumped over the two footballers. Pinkie Pie snatched the ball off of Cameron's head, and galloped back up the field, over to The Underground's goal.
"Not so fast Pink Floyd," Harlequin chuckled to herself, as she flipped a switch on the remote control wrist band she was wearing.
The floor opened up and a giant claw was lifted out. It lunged forward and it grabbed Pinkie, halting her and letting the ball roll into neutral territory.
At the very top of the stadium, in a spectator booth, two Super-Psychos who had previously tangled with Flashpoint were providing running commentary on the event. Failed comedian "Magic" Steve Topper, and cheated sculptor Mr. William Hand.
"Well it's a fine day for a football match, and gathered we have the finest athletes out on the pitch today." Mr. Hand said into the microphone.
"Yes, and it's hard to tell who's more excited; said finest athletes, or the audience, aka the fat smegheads watching them." Topper said.
"What I'm surprised about is that Conner's just become a non-entity. I'm wondering when he's gonna make a move." Mr. Hand said.
As Nathan backtracked himself, he briefly got distracted by a blast of techno music. He turned around and it was Conner. He was sitting, legs crossed, and hovering over a ball of blue energy, decorated by white musical notes.
Conner easily overtook Nathan, and sped towards the ball. The techno music hot more energetic.
"I keep my eyes to the sky, ears to the ground!" Conner sang, as he dissipated the ball and began to run to the ball.
"I'm gonna learn to fly, at the speed of sound!"
"HECTOR! STRIKERS HEADING YOUR WAY!" Nathan shouted.
Nathan & Pinkie gave chase, but Future Fungus, from the goal, conjured a giant vine that twist two form a loop-de-loop. Conner ran along it, fast enough to run along the ceiling.
"If this is all I have, I'm not gonna lose it!" Conner sang, speeding up and getting ready to punt the ball into Hector's goal.
"And when the siren screams I go, for broke!" Conner hollered, the music starting a Mexican wave.
Conner smashed the ball with his left foot, and it flew at the speed of sound.
Spark's danced around Hector as he thrust his hand forward.
"L. Ron Hubbard HAND!" Hector screamed. A giant blue hand made of lightning and wires materialised and the ball landed square in the palm.
The ball dropped harmlessly, and the whole crowd cheered.
"EL THOR!" Hector screamed, electrifying the ball and punting it back into play.
Nathan tapped Ed on the back. "Come on big guy, time for Inazuma 11 reference number 2!"
Ed nodded and jumped high into the air. Nathan jumped up with Ed, and jumped off of Ed's chest.
"Inazuma Drop!" The both shouted.
The sparky ball travelled upwards towards Nathan, who launched it towards Future Fungus.
"Not so fast!" Future Fungus chuckled to himself. He made a Marble Madness track, while Conner supplied that awesome theme tune.
The ball, still supercharged, rolled along the giant vine, and was boomeranged back to Hector's goal.
The score was 0:0. With 40 seconds on the clock.
In the luxury spectators booth, Kevin was pulling on his hair, which of course was elastic and was reaching the ceiling, along with his stretched arms,
"Come on, come on, come on! Ed, Pinkie, Nathan; smeggin' score already!" Kevin panicked. "You need to smegging WIN!"
Rolf chuckled to himself. Rolf had both placed a bet on Conner's team winning, and a bet on Hector's team, so either way, he gained more money than he lost.
"Kevin, Rolf thinks you're in too deep!"
Meanwhile, out in the bleachers, Conner's number 1 fan, Croyd Purl, aka Reflector, was wearing a blue flag and waving a blue flag with Conner's speaker on it.
He was cheering his bottom off.
The ball was heading straight for Hector's goal. Pinkie Pie, Ed and Nathan were hiding behind eachother, scared smegless of the electric ball.
Hector's eyes shined with light, and his whole body lit up with blue electricity.
"Elektro-Moth!" Hector shouted. A giant moth made of lightning appeared around him, and it scooped up the ball.
Hector, inside the moth, flew into the sky above the stadium.
"Face the judgement of Inazuma 11 and Galactik Football combined!" He rumbled. The moth morphed into a cannon and launched the ball towards Future Fungus.
"Oh smeg." He muttered.
There was a White, blinding explosion, and everybody gasped. As the White light subsided, and people saw the stadium wreckage. And beside an unconscious Future Fungus, was the ball, in the goal.
The Bounce's score went up by one, and the claxxon rang. the Bounce had won.
"THEY'VE DONE IT! THE BOUNCE HAS WON THE FIRST EVER SUPER PSYCHO FOOTBALL MATCH!" Topper shouted down the microphone.
"AND WITH THIS VICTORY, ONE MEMBER GETS AN ALL EXPENSES PAID TRIP TO SEE MANCHESTER CITY PLAY AGAINST MANCHESTER UNITED!" Mr. Hand shouted.
"I WONDER WHO GETS TO GO?"
Two days later, everybody at The Bounce was bored and smegged off.
"I can't believe she swindled us out of that ticket." Hector groaned.
"What did you expect. She's a wily one." Nathan sighed, flicking through his magazine.
At the football match, said swindler was waving a red scarf in a see of blue shirts.
"United, United!" Ami chanted, in the City End.
[Next Time, on Red Lightning]
"So, what makes you quailfied to join The Underground?" Conner asked, looking over Webster's credentials.
"I told you I'd be back!" Alex giggled with the combined intensity of Voldemort and The Joker.
"Alright already, I have superpowers!" Nathan yelled.
"Hail to Mr. Alex, put his brother to the test! Always keep him guessing, never let him rest!" Milo, Gordon and Elesa sang.