"…The cooking recipe? You make me confuse. What's going on? Alec, I need some proper explanation. Seriously, I have totally no idea what are you talking about?" Magnus stared at Alec and ceased his brow. He was wondering what Alec talked about?

Alec was truly nervous, Magnus can tell. Magnus noticed that Alec's knuckles were white as Alec gripped his own arms very tight until his whole body was shaking.

"Alec, you need to stop it. You are hurting yourself." Magnus sighed and pulled Alec's hands away from his own arms. However, Alec gritted his teeth and held his strength to against with Magnus, he refused to do so as what Magnus told him.

"Hey, Alec, look at me!" Magnus cupped Alec's face, then he caressing Alec's cheek gently. "Now, listen to me. I want you to take a deep breath and relax. You need to calm down."

Alec shook his head stubbornly, the sorrowful tears keep falling down from his red eyes and dropped on Magnus's hands. Magnus felt his chest tighten and not sure what should he do to make Alec listen to him.

"Alexander…" Magnus calling his ex-lover's name desperately. "Please don't hurt yourself anymore."

There's a moment of silence before Alec opens his mouth again. Alec cried. "Maybe you should just stop caring me because I don't deserve it at all… You are right though, Magnus. What you said to me during our break up day… You are right."

Magnus sighed and shook his head in disagreement. "Alec, I was totally losing my mind that day. I'm so sorry about it. No matter what I said on that day, I was not sincere at all. Please… I hope you can get over it and never take it seriously into your heart. Whatever I said on that time, I was just throwing everything out of my mouth without a think."

Alec sobbing quietly.

Magnus then continued with a soft sad tone. "Honestly, I was in an emotional wreck that day. Alec, you are not the only one who feels vulnerable in love. I am feeling depressed and hurt too when I found out the truth that you hid from me in our relationship. I'm truly sorry to you, for everything that I have done which might hurt you more and push you to the edge of hell. But I hope you can understand it as well, the main reason for what caused our break up… It's not all your fault because I have to take the blame too. It was also my responsibility, not all yours."

"No. It's all my faults. I'm sorry, Magnus… I never want to hurt you. I was just… I'm lost control. I really don't know why I was acting like that. I don't know myself too, I'm confused. I also wondered why I went to find Camille… That's a terrible mistake, it shouldn't happen. I was crazy. And, I am so sorry to you, Magnus. I know it might sound like an excuse… But I am sincere because I never want to hurt you in the first place. But I don't know why… There's a moment… I was stupid and went insane… Some evil thoughts flashed across my mind and made me feel hesitate… I never want to take away your immortality! But… there was a moment… I'm just like a devil… I don't know how but I… I was thinking of that what it may look like if you can have a normal mortal life with me. There's a moment… I hoped that you can actually grow old with me, then we both can together live a mortal life…" Alec knelt down on the floor in all sudden and buried his face with his hands.

Alec cried out loud with his broken voices. "I'm sorry… But I don't know why I am being such stupid and evil… You are right, Magnus, I was trying to shorten your life and kill you. I never deserved your love. You made a good decision to leave me alone, you made the right choice indeed."

"Alec…" Magnus half kneeling in front of Alec, listening to Alec's broken crying sound made Magnus felt sad too. Magnus gasped and his tears falling down silently.

"Alexander." Magnus was opening his arms wide and then he gave Alec a tight hug. Then, Magnus whispered beside Alec's ear. "Alec, it's okay. I forgive you. It's all passed, just let it go, okay?"

"It's impossible… I can't just get over it. I need to remember this lesson, the pain, and the guilt… I have to… It's all my faults… I'm sorry for hurting you. Magnus, I'm sorry… You shouldn't forgive me… I'm the one who betrayed your love. I don't deserve you anymore." Alec was crying fiercely, uncontrollably. His whole body shaking and he was obviously in the emotional break down again.

"Alec, breath! Hey, come on, take a breath! You need to calm down!" Magnus tapping Alec's back to comfort him. After that, Magnus tried his best to calm Alec down.

"Alec, your body still in recovery. Please be calm, I don't want to see you fainted again because of being too agitated. Hey, just listen to me, okay? Everything will be all right. Alec, I am here. We have time, we can talk, let's us fix this together." Magnus said and he pressed a gentle kiss on Alec's hair.

"Magnus…" Alec sobbed, but he finally looked up his face to Magnus. Alec raised his shivering hands, reaching out to Magnus eagerly.

"Hush…I am here." Magnus took a deep breath, felt his heart was slowly shattered apart when his hands touched Alec's cold shaking hands.

"I know you might feel disgusted… I know you might hate me now, but can you please hug me tightly like we never broke up? Can you please kiss me like I'm the only love in your life? Can you please love me, pretend that like you're still in love with me…?" Alec begged in weakly tone.

"You don't even need to ask." Magnus can't help himself to release a sad sigh. Then, Magnus leaned forward, he tugged Alec into his arms and kissed Alec passionately.

They kissed and swallowed their salty tears with painful hearts.

In fact, Alec understands if Magnus doesn't want to take him back. He can really understand it. So, he already has mentally prepared for it, he decided to let go of Magnus at any time, like what Magnus had been requested during their break up day. Magnus wanted to keep a distance from him. Then, Alec was thinking about it now, maybe he should just let go and stop bring any troubles to Magnus. As long as they can get back to be a friend again, at least, then Alec won't ask for more from Magnus anymore.

However, at this moment, Alec just hoping that he can temporarily forget the stupidest mistake that he ever made of betrayed Magnus's love and the fact that Magnus and him already breaking up. With the body heat increased and his sensitive skins giving honest responses to Magnus's magic touch, Alec decided to let his mind flies by and running away from the reality temporarily.

Even though they really have to say goodbye later, but Alec just hoping that he can keep something as a remembrance. So, at least he can always remember this moment, the way of how Magnus treated him like he was his only love in this world.

—

After midnight, before dawn.

In Magnus's bedroom, everything seemed so quiet and peaceful.

Two men lying side by side in bed and the bed sheet was totally in a mess. Alec blinking his tired, red swollen teary eyes in the dark. He gazed at Magnus's sleeping soundly face with a silent broken smile.

After a long silent moment, Alec got up from bed with a very slow and careful motion, then he covered Magnus with blanket gently and pressed a tender kiss on Magnus's forehead.

'Goodbye, my love.' Alec said silently in his bottom heart.

After that, Alec picked up his own clothes and pant on the bedroom floor, before he walked straight to the bedroom door.

—

It was in the morning when Magnus woke up in bed. He groaned tiredly and blinking his sleepy eyes to adjust the sunlight coming through from the windows. Then, Magnus rolled his body to the other side of the bed, reaching out his hand and tried to look for Alec. But out of Magnus's expectation, there was nothing!

'Where is Alec…?' Magnus felt his heart racing fast and he was waking up completely in all sudden.

Magnus sat up from the bed, looking around and noticed that he was the only person in the bedroom. After a heavy sigh, Magnus grabbed his silky nightgown and rushed to the living room.

"Alexander…? Alec!" Magnus shouted eagerly and searching for Alec in his loft. However, there's no sign of Alec at all.

'Where did he go…? Did he back to Institute already?' Magnus bit his lips and tried to think every possibility. With an uneasy feeling, Magnus snapped his fingers and his handphone appeared in his hand with a flash of magic light suddenly.

Without thinking twice, Magnus made a direct call to Alec. But unfortunately, there's a voicemail machine sound reply. Magnus sighed, then he continued to make another call. The second call, the third call, until the tenth call, which all had been re-directed to the voicemail messages. Finally, Magnus lost all his patients.

This time, Magnus made a call to reach Alec's younger sister, Isabelle.

"Hey, Isabelle. Did Alec back to the Institute?" Magnus asked.

"Alec…? Didn't he supposed to stay with you at your home?" Isabelle asked back Magnus with a confused tone.

"…I just woke up in bed but he already left to nowhere." Magnus answered honestly.

Then, both Magnus and Isabelle stunned blankly for a moment.

Both of them realized that they have big trouble now.

"What happened to you guys yesterday night? I thought your talk results should be positive? Don't you guys supposed to already get back together and have make-up sex?" Isabelle asked again.

"Isabelle, save your efforts for scolding me. Now, I need your help to find back Alec. Can you please check with Jace, see if Alec went to see him?" Magnus said.

Isabelle sighed. "Fine, I will check on my side. Magnus, please try using the located spell on Alec, see if you can find his exact location or not. Let us keep in touch and exchange the news, no matter who found Alec."

"Sure. Thank you." Magnus nodded and hung up the phone.

With a confused and frustrated mind, Magnus walked back to his bedroom again. After that, Magnus pacing around to look for any personal thing from Alec that he might leave behind.

Meanwhile, a weird thought flashed across Magnus's mind in all sudden, which made Magnus frowned. Feeling the curiousness, Magnus wondered why he suddenly thinks of the scene that Alec holding a cooking recipe book before the demons killed him in his personal hell.

"The cooking recipe…" Magnus murmured and accidentally linked the thought with what Alec had told him yesterday night.

There's must be something that he had missed up.

Magnus sighed heavily and walked faster to the bedside table. Then, Magnus opened the drawer and staring at the cooking recipe book that he found.

'This should be the one that Alec talked about.' Magnus took out the recipe book and observed it carefully. This is also the one which Alec holding in his personal hell.

After taking a deep breath, Magnus flipping through the book and trying to find the clues that Alec might leave behind. Magnus knows it clearly, no matter how he pulling Alec back to his side, Alec might leaving him too. The most important thing now is that Magnus should need to find out the exact key to untie Alec's heart knot.

What made Alec trapped into his personal hell?

What made Alec refused to face the reality…?

What made Alec feeling rejected and don't think he deserved Magnus's love?

"Oh… Alexander…" Magnus gasped for breathes when he finally found the answer which he longing the most. There are a few pages in the recipe book, full with Alec's handwriting — Alec's heart voices and the whole story in diary form record, from Camille first looking for Alec and what in Alec's mind, his sincere thoughts and those untold secrets towards Magnus.

A heartache smile showed on Magnus's face when he finally remembered what happened in the past. Before him and Alec breaking up, Alec did ask him to read the recipe book. But during that time, he not really feel the needs and never knowing that Alec did hide such a big secret inside this book.

"Oh, Alec… You didn't lie to me… You did tell me about this book and ask me to take a look, but I have ignored you because I never thought that you wrote something like this inside…"

[To Be Continued]

A/N: Malec will back together in next chapter! Stay tuned~