A Beyond Spaceland Side Story, Part II

Gohan's Disappearance! The Mysterious Silverlock Castle

Gohan glanced at his watch.

"Darn it," he growled. "If I'm late again, the Dean will kill me!"f

Nimbus stopped, then Gohan hovered off petted it.

"Sorry, boy," said Gohan, "but I need to hurry if I'm going to get to work on time, and I can fly faster without you."

Gohan turned and flew through the sky at the highest speeds, and somehow managed to crash headfirst into a wall.

"Ow," he growled, rubbing his head. "Where did this come from?"

"That wall was always there, my dear boy," said Mr. Peabody. "The question you should be asking is how you got here."

"This wall must be really strong," said Gohan. "It should have been turned to rubble when I hit it."

"Yes, it should have," said Mr. Peabody. "But we have other things to discuss at this moment. Don't you want to know how you got here?"

"That'd be nice," said Gohan. Then he rubbed his head. "Aspirin would also be good."

"The answer, quite simply, is that we used magic," responded Dumbledore. "And it was not an easy task, even then. I tried several times to sneak into your house, but had only ever succeeded in waking you and giving my legs a good workout during my prompt exit. If I hadn't been able to turn your shirt into a Portkey while it was at the cleaners, we might never have been able to get you here."

"I have no idea what any of that means," said Gohan. "But it sounds serious."

"It is," said Nibbler. "We are in an epic struggle that spans universes and eras. Everyone that ever did, will, does, or might live is at stake. And your participation is of the utmost importance."

"But why me?" said Gohan.

"Because we needed someone strong enough to defend themselves and others," said Nibbler, "yet insignificant enough that their absence wouldn't endanger their own universe."

"Insignificant?" complained Gohan, but Nibbler cut him off.

"Yes, insignificant. Have you done anything since defeating Cell? No! Your father can protect your world while you're gone. In the mean time, you'll have a much more important task at hand. Albus, please lead young Gohan to his much more important task."

Dumbledore nodded politely, then led Gohan through a nearby door and adjoining hallway.

"As I do not love comedic anticlimaxes as much as my associates, I shall be prompt in informing you that your duty, although every bit as important as they say, will seem insignificant when I first describe it. We are employing you not as a warrior in the traditional sense, but as a bodyguard."

"Bodyguard? For who?"

"I assume you are familiar with the Cowardly Lion?"

"Huh? From Wicked?"

Dumbledore stopped in his tracks. "Are you joking?"

"Oh, sorry. I meant to say, 'Pardon me, but are you referring to the Cowardly Lion from Wicked?'"

Dumbledore sighed. "The Lion in mention actually originated in The Wonderful Wizard of Oz by L. Frank Baum. But don't you consider it strange that he, a character from a book, is real?"

Gohan grinned. "If I, a character from an animé, am real, why shouldn't he be?"

"Glad we're being reasonable. Now, this should be a simple enough task. Our intelligence does not indicate that the First Evil has been able to recruit anyone on your level of power. Still, I would advise you keep in mind that the tasks that should be simple are often the most complicated."

"Do you mind if I ask you something?"

"If I did, you would already be on the wrong track. Fortunately, as a teacher, I love nothing more than a young man's or woman's quest for knowledge. What's your question?"

"If this First Evil guy's so weak, why don't I just go beat him myself?"

"There are two reasons for that. The first is that the First Evil is intangible, and so we wanted to send a group with more experience using their brains and outsmarting opponents they can't defeat physically. Not to say you're stupid, mind you, but your main strength does lie in your strength, if you'll forgive the repetition."

"Fair enough. And the second reason?"

"Confidential, I'm afraid. But, like the epilogue of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, it's not important." Dumbledore pressed his wand to a door, then mumbled something vaguely Latin. There was a click, like a lock unlocking.

"They're prisoners!?" said Gohan.

"Not at all," said Dumbledore. "This one requested that I lock the door magically. I fear my spells would prove useless if a real invader were to arrive, but every little precaution might help, even if only through peace of mind."

Dumbledore opened the door, and Gohan stepped into the brightly-coloured room.

"Hello," said the Lion. "I suppose you're the one they hired to guard me?"

"Yeah," said Gohan. "Say, do you know what's going on here?"

"Dumbledore asked me not to tell you what was happening," said the Cowardly Lion. "And I agreed with him, because you might want to do something heroic, though I and they know it would be a disaster if you did."

"Why shouldn't I do something heroic?" said Gohan, who was now suspicious of the three kidnappers.

"I cannot answer that any more than I can answer your first question," was his response. "But trust me: your ass would be grass."

"Pardon me?"

"I'm sorry for that outburst, but for the last few weeks, I've found myself using such obscene language more and more. Which is particularly bizarre because, despite what Wicked would have you believe, Oz is a land without such obscenities. The language of profanity is not among our tongues. Yet this castle has been affecting everyone in very queer ways lately."

"Wow, I hope I don't say anything weird. By the way, what's Wicked?"

"I don't even know! This place is even weirder than Oz, and is aggravating my fears every minute I'm here."

This is weird, thought Gohan to himself. What could be going on that they need to hide from me so badly? Still… whatever it is, letting this guy die before then probably won't help. So I guess I have no choice but to go along with their instructions for now. Unless…

*

Five hours later, Gohan could no longer remember why he felt that an impromptu limbo tournament would help the situation or his spine. Now, one of those things was sore, and the other was just as far away as before. He decided he'd instead look around the castle, looking for clues, acting like he were in a hopefully less lethal version of a Sierra adventure game.

"Are you okay alone here?" said Gohan. "Do you mind if I…"

"If you want to leave to stretch your legs, feel free," said the Cowardly Lion. "I was the largest lions in Oz, and my roars always scared away my enemies before they could attack, so I can keep myself safe, at least long enough for you to get back to me."

"Good," said Gohan. Because I don't trust these guys any farther than I can throw them.

He left the room and sneaked down the hallway, hovering a few feet off the ground to make sure his footsteps wouldn't alert anyone to his presence.

"I shouldn't open any doors, lest the creeks draw attention to myself," he said.

So he punched through a wall and entered the adjoining hallway.

He closed his eyes and concentrated. He was able to sense a lot of people in the area. At least four.

He could sense the three brains of the operation in one room. That meant they were talking, probably, so Gohan headed straight to the hall outside what, eventually, turned out to be the library.

"I wish you wouldn't take that superior attitude," said Mr. Peabody's voice, which was presumably coming from either Mr. Peabody or a skilled voice actor. Probably the former. "We have explained this to you before."

"And I have not forgotten your explanation," said Dumbledore calmly. "Yet I continue to disagree with it."

"That is because you are an idiot," said Nibbler, "Would you please try to remember that we only put you in the triumvirate because you were popular, and would make the best representative? I have been alive since before the universe was created, and know everything about its workings. And Mr. Peabody is still smarter than I am. You cannot come up with any suggestion that we have not came up with and disregarded within the first Planck time of our first meeting."

"Even ignoring the difference between knowledge, which you certainly possess in greater quantities than I, and intelligence, which you certainly do not, I prefer to argue with facts, and not qualifications," said Dumbledore. "If you do not come up with a better answer, however many Planck times it takes, I will not change my question."

"Just be warned, Albus, you are expendable. If you betray us…"

"I have no intention of stopping your plan before I have found an alternate solution. And, if one cannot be found, I will do everything in my power to help you. I am merely suggesting that, with your infinite wisdom, you should be trying to help me, instead of just critiquing my morals and intelligence."

"We have no intention of searching for a solution that doesn't exist. Now shut the fuck up and behave yourself."

"I have every intention of behaving. Unlike some, apparently."

"Hm, yes, If you'll excuse me, I need to check something. Do you mind if I bring the meeting to a close?"

"Not at all. I, too, need to leave to attend to some personal business. I promised myself to read at least one book a week while I'm here, and I was currently in the middle of the wizard writer Ian Bickquill's classic Epic, The Quidditch Knights of Camelot. And for some odd reason, I have an overwhelming urge to finish that as quickly as possible so that I can move onto Richard Longwand's erotica classic, Two Horny Warlocks."

"Yes, that is part of why I need to leave."

Dumbledore stared at Nibbler. "Nibbler, if you would like to borrow my copy of the book, you may, but unless you and I share sexual preferences…"

"That is not what I mean! Something weird is happening here. Weird with a capital 'W,' and italicised 'e.'"

"Weird indeed,"conceded Mr. Peabody. "Almost as weird as Britney Spears. Oh dear. I don't even know who that is. Perhaps I had better join you in your research. Are you joining us, Al— Albus, please put your robe back on!"

Subconsciously, Gohan began to charge his ki. He was about to act, but suddenly noticed the Cowardly Lion's ki lowering as a second, higher ki entered the room. Gohan headed straight down the hall and through the walls. A man in a black suit and cape was just removing a glowing sword from the Cowardly Lion's shoulder. The figure spun the sword around in a circle as heavy breathing sounds came from somewhere within his life-preservation suit.

Gohan slapped the figure aside, then kneeled next to the Cowardly Lion.

"Are you okay?" he said. Paying only half-attention, he fired an energy blast that disintegrated the assailant.

"I think I'll survive," said the Cowardly Lion. "It won't be as easy as if I were in Oz, where I was immortal, but this is a more magical place than most, so hopefully I'll live."

"Don't worry," said Gohan. "I'll get a doctor…"

"No need."

At that, Mr. Peabody entered the room.

"I am quite qualified to fix his wounds," continued Mr. Peabody. "But he will need someone to take care of him until he heals. It won't be easy. Whoever we pick will have to stay by his side every minute of the day."

"Is there nothing you could do to speed up the process?" said the Cowardly Lion.

"There is plenty I could do, my dear boy. But I won't, because then Gohan wouldn't learn his lesson."

"Wait, what lesson? And who are you going to get to watch him?" said Gohan. "Answer the second one first."

*

For such a big cat, it took a long time for him to heal. ("I think it's because there is no need for healing in Oz, so my body is not used to it," the Lion suggested one night.) And, of course, Gohan was no longer given "permission" to leave the room, which would normally mean nothing because for Gohan a wall is just a door minus one punch, but Gohan felt so bad about getting the Lion hurt that he chose of his own accord to stay by the bedside whenever he was needed.

Which was always.

That he was staying because of guilt never mitigated his frustration, though. Gohan grew increasingly annoyed at the Lion's slow healing process. Granted, the hole in his shoulder was pretty big, but he should have been walking by now! thought Gohan.

Before the Lion could get better, the triumvirate brought a dog. But it was not a pet.

"Jesus Christ! Is that a lion?" shouted Brian the dog.

"Don't worry," said Gohan. "He's very friendly. But he's hurt. He needs someone to take care of him. And I can't stick around here any longer. Would you mind?"

"Of course I would!" said Brian. "I don't know how to take care of a freaking lion!"

"It's easy," said Gohan, heading to the door. "Just stay here and make sure he has everything he needs."

And with that, he left.

Brian turned to the Lion. "So… do you need anything?"

"I am growing rather hungry."

"Huh," said Brian. "Are you a vegetarian by chance?"

"That would be immoral," said the Lion. "My friend, the Scarecrow, was made of straw, which is very close to being a vegetable."

"Scarecrow?" said Brian. "Oh, thank god! You're that lion. Sorry! I didn't recognise… I'm in your mouth, aren't I?"

*

"THAT WAS COMPLETELY OUT OF CHARACTER!" said Dumbledore.

The three of them might have been on to Gohan. They weren't in the library this time but, for reasons that Gohan couldn't comprehend, had chosen to meet in what was, apparently, a broom closet that somehow blocked Gohan's sixth sense; had it done a better job at keeping out the first five, Gohan might not have found it at all. However, it is difficult to ignore an old man yelling "THAT WAS COMPLETELY OUT OF CHARACTER!" at the top of his lungs, as we all know from personal experience.

Gohan pressed his ear against the door.

"I'm sorry," said Mr. Peabody. "But that mosquito might have been carrying the west nile virus, you know."

"And I appreciate your concern. But couldn't you have used the flyswatter? It was closer than the hammer!"

"It's not his fault," said Nibbler. "I have formulated a theory on what is going on here. As you already know, the universes are each filled with a type of invisible, undetectable molecule called 'authorium,' which sets the tone for each world and helps keep the writer's influence over the characters alive, even when the writer is not writing them. Some worlds contain comedic authorium, others dramatic. Yet whenever a traveller from one world enters another, the authorium from their body will be expelled through their breath and other emissions. It will then mix with the authorium from the rest of the world, becoming unstable. This creates a new, uncontrollable brand of authorium. Usually, this is relatively moderate, because the world's considerable volume of its own authorium will suppress and dilute most of the foreign stuff. Perhaps someone's personality would slip a few inches. Maybe they'd become a bit dumber. But that will be it. Unfortunately, because we built Castle Silverlock outside any know universe, it has no authorium of its own. Instead, the loose chemicals that are being brought in are reacting off each other in equal measure, and creating an authorium of pure, uncontrollable chaos. Gentlemen, our own personalities are going down the toilet. Plot holes are forming. Gohan being unable to break through that wall was the first sign, but we've seen more since. Soon, we could become two-dimensional parodies of ourselves. After that, we could become two-dimensional parodies of someone else. We might even become evil, and begin to remember sinister plans that we had not came up with before. And that's if we haven't already. For all I know, the five evil plans I already have in my desk were made by the authorium! Before long, we'll all begin acting like characters in bad animated sitcoms."

"Could it really be that bad?" asked Dumbledore.

"It will. This has happened before. The most famous result was called Epic Movie."

"Dear God, no!" shouted Dumbledore, at both the bleak prospect and the easy joke.

"And the fact that you just explained something that everyone in this room already knows definitely supports your theory," said Mr. Peabody.

"Not to mention your rather forced non-sequitur," said Dumbledore.

"That is not the correct definition of 'non-sequitur!'" shouted Nibbler. "You just made a malapropism!"

"Malapropisms are phonetic errors. You, yourself, just made a malapropism. Wait, that isn't the word I'm looking for."

"I believe the word you are looking for is defenestration. Wait, no. That isn't even a noun!"

"AM I GOING MAD?" shouted Dumbledore. "IS SOMEONE MESSING WITH MY BRAIN? YOU!" Dumbledore grabbed Nibbler and slammed him against the wall. "DID YOU DO IT? DID YOU DO IT?"

Then there was a long silence as everyone waited to see if they'd break down again. Not even they thought the authorium would boot their brains so far down. After several minutes of successful silence, they decided they could probably continue talking without accidentally slipping out any cuss words; racially motivated slurs or generalisations; or in-depth descriptions of sexual acts, illegal in several progressive states and provinces.

"But we have other problems," finished Mr. Peabody. "If Albus is right in his assumption that Gohan is onto us, we'd have to find a way to take care of him."

"Not necessarily," said Albus. "All we need is for him to protect the six bearers until the seventh arrives. Gohan is a hero—he isn't going to let them die unless he does something deeply stupid, which would be more in character for his dad than himself. And he has no way to Deus Ex Machina himself out of this dimension without help from Square—again, that would be more in character for Goku."

This is another dimension? thought Gohan. He realised with apprehension that they were right. If he were in his own world, he would have been able to sense his father's ki. The countless pamphlets with titles like So You've Been Taken to an Alternate Dimension, or Why Does Thompson Have a Goatee Now? Why You Can Kill Them if They Have a Beard he had seen scattered about were also suspicious.

"But what about the authorium?" said Nibbler. "Won't somebody think of the authorium!?"

"I'll take care of that," said Mr. Peabody, so that the resolution will not come from no where.

"Good. But that's only one problem. I needn't remind you that Gohan could kill all of us a hundred times over in the time it would take someone considerably slower and weaker but still more than…oh, forget it," said Nibbler, then turned around and began to devour an ostrich, which he thought would be both more tasty and intellectually rewarding than finishing that sentence.

"I don't think any of you need to worry about that," said Mr. Peabody, then also turned and devoured an ostrich, because ostrich meat is actually quite healthy and tastes much like beef. Look it up. "If he were going to hurt us, he would have done so by now. Isn't that right, boy?"

Gohan withdrew from the door, as if pressing his ear against it had given away his location.

Was he talking to me just now? Thought Gohan.

But he couldn't dwell on that thought for too long. At that moment, he sensed a cluster of life forms heading down the hall, more rapidly than any sane man would walk. Deciding that "Boy" was hopefully the name of Mr. Peabody's sock puppet, Gohan flew towards the room, where he quietly dispatched a hoard of velociraptors. Neither the Cowardly Lion nor Brian were hurt, and the former was distracted by repeated references to a "near culinary experience" that he assured Brian was "very unlike [him]," so Gohan was still free to search the castle as he wanted, but he had lost the will to do so. The time, he decided, had come for him to think, and not just act. But, no matter how hard you think, an answer that does not exist will not come. One that does exist, but you aren't smart enough to think of, won't be appearing in a hurry, either. Hence why the resolution of this chapter does not say, "Gohan threatened Square into taking him back home," and was not several paragraphs back.

In the headquarters, where there was no clocks or suns to track time, life no longer divided itself onto days and nights, so Gohan couldn't tell how long it was before a third person was brought in for him to bodyguard. (In fact, the television included a built-in guide that would have told him it had been two-and-a-half hours since he arrived, but Gohan didn't check because Dragon Ball Z ended in 1996, and program guides did not exist or say the time in those days.)

"How many people are you going to make me protect, anyway?" said Gohan.

"Seven in total," said Dumbledore, "as we already said while you were eavesdropping." Gohan felt nervous—did they really know he was listening in on their conversation? "Keeping track of all of them will be difficult. I suggest you concentrate more on your job, and less on sneaking around listening in on our conversations. Not that I don't appreciate your inquisitiveness, mind you. But, for the time being, you do have more important things to worry about, and also I have several incriminating photographs of you and Piccolo that I suspect your wife, Videl, would be very interested in seeing."

"But I didn't know Trunks scribbled 'I hate Videl' on those shirts when we posed in them!"

"But will Videl believe you?" Gohan knew she would not.

With that, the elderly wizard turned on his heels and left the room, then turned his heels off again. The newcomer looked Gohan over sceptically.

"If thou't my guard, thy armour's sparse," said Macbeth.

"I can handle it," said Gohan.

"I know thee not, and words can lie. My eyes, I trust, but not thy mouth."

"Fine," said Gohan. "If you need me to prove it to you…"

He looked around to find the way to best do this. His eyes eventually landed on a bed, so he picked it up and threw it through the wall. Then he reached out through the hole and picked up a ten-pound barbell in one hand.

"Is this enough?" said Gohan.

"Indeed it is," said Macbeth, eyeing the barbell. "My eyes have learned Your mouth is true. Again, the world Has shown its breadth surpassed belief. I'd never dreamt such power dwelt Outside the realm of epic tales."

"I know what you mean," said Gohan, as he peeled the hole off the wall to tidy up. "My entire life, I've been fighting stronger and stronger opponents. It seems that whenever I think we've met the strongest guy there'll ever be, someone else comes along right after. It's like one of those Russian matryoshka dolls, where each one is bigger than the last."

"That's not how matryoshka dolls work!" said Brian.

"It is if you start from the inside!" screamed Gohan.

Then Gohan realised he had been overlooking something important.

Come to think of it, I could probably find out a lot more if, instead of trying to eavesdrop on the trio as an outsider, I pretended to join them. You know. Start from the inside!

"I'm going out again," said Gohan.

"Again?" said Brian, "Jesus Christ! Is that what they taught you during your bodyguard training?"

"Oh, I never went through training," said Gohan. "I only got this job because they kidnapped me." Then he slid out the door.

"Oh," said Brian. He stood awkwardly for a moment, then said, "We're gonna die, aren't we?"

"To live would be the greater threat," said Macbeth. "I've lived so long, and suffered much—"

"Just shut the hell up!" said Brian. "If I have to put up with your emo crap for any longer, I'm going to kill you where you stand."

Macbeth cupped his mouth accordingly.

*

Gohan walked into the triumvirate's office. Nibbler and Dumbledore looked up at him.

"I'd like to make a suggestion."

"No, we are not letting you officially join our group," responded Nibbler.

"But how did you know I was going—"

"Let's just say that you're not the only one who's been eavesdropping in this castle."

Gohan was now 30% sure they were onto him. "But why can't I join?"

"Well, for one thing, a triumvirate only consists of three people. We don't accept new members per say."

"What about Square?"

"He's basically just the chauffeur. But don't tell him. He thinks he's in on everything."

"So you just sit in your ivory tower, manipulating everyone?"

"Sitting back and manipulating people is not as easy as it sounds," said Dumbledore.

"Really?" said Gohan. "Well, then. Let's see."

He pointed his hand, open-palmed, at Dumbledore's face. "Let everyone go, now."

"We can't do that," said Dumbledore.

"Silly headmaster. You can—you just won't."

"Trust us. The repercussions would be disastrous."

"No offence, but you haven't really proven the most trustworthy geriatric recently. I'm leaving, and I'm taking the others with me. If anything else needs to be done, I'll speak to Karin or Dende or King Kai or someone about it. But not to you."

"And if we refuse?" asked Dumbledore.

Gohan then removed Dumbledore's head with a blast of concentrated ki.

"No!" shouted Dumbledore. "Gohan killed Dumbledore!"

"And I'll kill you, too, Dumbledore, if you don't do what I say!"

"No need for violence," said Mr. Peabody, as he entered the room. "I've thought it over, and realised that you were right. All the people we were going to sacrifice have been released."

"That's more like it. Now let me out of here."

"Of course. Simply enter the fifth door on the left, and step into the door on the side of the ominous machine. It'll take you to your own world, and all of the people you wanted to rescue will be there."

"Good. See how easy that was?" Then Gohan left the room.

"Mr. Vegeta has just been brought in by Angel, I assume?" said Dumbledore, turning to Mr. Peabody.

"Indeed."

"I still can't believe you got rid of that meddling kid so easily," said Nibbler.

"Of course I did," said the dog. "Gohan's a good kid, but a bit muddle-headed." He looked at his watch. "By this time, I suspect he has realised that we did not, in fact, release any of our sacrifices. And by now, he is just realising that the modified WABAC machine—which I christened the WADERE machine—cannot take him back here to rescue everyone."

"I only hope Vegeta is less trouble," said Nibbler.

"Don't worry," said the dog. "I've told Vegeta myself that I doubt he can protect all five of his fellow Bearers. After swearing on his Saiyan pride that he can, he began to dedicate himself wholly to the duty. I think you'll find things will run much smoother than they did with Gohan. And while we're talking about stuff being smoothed over in ways they should not, I should mention that when I reprogrammed the WADERE machine, I made sure it had a special authorium vacuum. When Gohan stepped through the machine, all the excess authorium was sucked out of Silverlock Castle. Provided we turn the machine on every once and a while, everything around here should be back to normal starting right NOW."

This is the point in the narrative where most writers would try to describe the leaving authorium, maybe by saying the particles disappeared like an evaporating puddle, or rushed out like a cloud of smoke. Perhaps one might be inclined to mention a whoosh. But there were no such sensory hints to the lack of authorium. The only indication that things were back to normal is that those in the room no longer felt an overwhelming urge to fornicate with an electric pencil sharpener.

"And the day has not been without other blessings," said Dumbledore, "Gohan was ejected after Angel left the Dragon Ball world, but before he could speak with Ms. Summers. As such, she and her team will have no reason to snoop around. We should be able to hide the real purpose of the Pool of Life until after the seventh Bearer has been brought to us. So everything is back to normal."

"So this truly has been an uneventful chapter," Nibbler said, "of our lives."

*

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*

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