Chapter Twenty-One
Two Weeks Later
"I'll see you later. Take it easy," Peeta says, as he comes up behind me in the kitchen, while I wash the few dishes remaining in the sink.
I don't turn my head to face him, instead keeping them fixed on the plate that I vigorously scrub. He goes to press his lips against my cheek, but I quickly turn away, forcing a few coughs out of my mouth.
"Are you feeling okay?" Peeta asks.
I go back to cleaning the dishes. "Yes. Thank you. Have a good day at work," I reply.
I still don't look at him in fear of seeing the wounded look on his face, the same look I had a glimpse of two weeks ago when I turned over in bed, ignoring the three words he had said to me.
Peeta has noticed the change in my behavior. I didn't mean to draw away from him completely, but ever since that night when I nearly told Peeta that I loved him, and meant it, I've re-built the walls around my heart. I remembered the reasons why I never wanted to love anyone, because it leads to hurt and heartbreak.
I have hurt Peeta by being distant towards him, and it is killing me to know that I am causing him pain, but I can't feel the way he does. I just can't. We live in a world that is not safe. He could be reaped at the next reaping. By being distant and not allowing myself to love him, if either of us does get reaped or have something else happen to us, the other won't be hurt, we wouldn't curl up in a ball or stare at a wall, we will carry on and look after the child that will be arriving in just over three months.
I hear his loud footsteps as he leaves the kitchen and I let out a loud sigh when I hear the front door close behind him. I tell myself not to feel guilty and that this is for the best. I can't love another person. I won't let myself feel that way again.
I loved my father.
He was killed in a mine explosion.
I love my mother.
She may be here now, but she isn't who she once was, and she never will be again.
I love Gale.
He was reaped. He came back and we argued, and only now have we started talking nicely to each other again.
I love Prim.
She is growing up. I helped her grow, like a parent would. One day she will marry and have kids of her own. She'll forget about me.
I love Peeta. He could leave at any time. I would be alone. I can't allow myself to love him.
Tears flood my eyes and I sniff and bury my head in my hands. "Damn hormones," I snap, and then roughly rub my eyes with my hands. I look around the kitchen, looking for something to do that will take my mind off Peeta.
I grab a wash cloth and wipe down the table and kitchen counter. I then grab the broom and sweep the floor. After that task is done, I open the cupboards and drawers and rearrange every item.
After a while, I realise that nothing is working. Peeta is always in my thoughts. I grab my hunting jacket and slide my boots onto my feet, before I rush out of the house and walk towards the place where I feel most relaxed and at home. The woods.
I walk through the meadow and head towards the fence as quickly as my legs will carry me. I crawl under the electric fence, thankful that I can still fit in this condition, and then go to find the log which holds my bow and arrows.
Once I find my weapon, I creep through the woods, going further than I normally do, holding the bow in the exact position my dad had taught me to so many years ago. When I hear a noise, I silently put an arrow in position and wait for the animal to cross my path before I shoot.
When I miss the first time, I let out a loud groan.
When I miss the rabbit that hops around a tree, I let out a huff.
When I miss the turkey, I throw my bow and arrows to the floor and abruptly start climbing the first tree that I think looks safe and strong. I climb high, so I can see the fence and District 12 from my seat on a sturdy tree branch.
I stay there for hours. I hardly notice the sun rise even further in the sky as midday arrives, and I still don't notice when the sun starts to set behind the mountains and trees in the distance.
Finally, when my stomach is hurting because I haven't ate a single thing all day, I decide it is time to go home.
I climb down from the tree, collect my bow and arrows, and make my way back to the log where I hide my weapons. The sky has darkened slightly as I climb under the fence and walk slowly through the meadow.
By the time I walk through the front door of the house, the moon has appeared in the sky. I shut the door quietly behind me and slide my boots from my aching and swollen feet. I shrug my jacket from my shoulders and hang it on a hook before I start towards the kitchen.
I stop in my tracks when I see my mother, Prim, Gale and Peeta sitting at the kitchen table. Peeta has his back to me, his head lowered, and his fingers in his messy hair.
My eyes drift from him to Prim, whose cheeks are flushed a bright pink and eyes are rimmed with red. "What's the matter? What's going on?" I ask immediately. My eyes shift to rest on my mother's tired, frowning face and then to Gale's hard and stern features.
"Where have you been?" Gale snaps at me, and I feel my own frown take over my face.
"Hunting," I reply.
"For how long?" my mother asks.
"Does it matter?" I ask.
"Yes. It does. We have all been worried sick. I came here this morning to see you and went away when I realised you were out. I came back at around midday and you still didn't answer the door to me. I went to the bakery and Peeta told me that he didn't have any idea where you were. I began to worry then-"
"You know I often hunt longer on Sundays," I cut her off.
"That's what I thought. Still, when you didn't arrive back at 3pm, I went to Victor's Village and asked Gale if he had seen you. He hadn't but he knew I was concerned, so he went off into the woods to look for you. He was gone for a couple of hours and he came back and said he hadn't seen you at all. I sent Prim to search around the Seam and Town and she couldn't find you. Do you understand how worried you made us?"
I try to say something, but find myself unable to form any words. Prim sniffs loudly and wipes her nose on the sleeve of her shirt.
"You scared me," Prim cries. "I thought you were dead!"
"Don't be silly, Little Duck!"
"She wasn't being silly," Gale says. "Something could have happened."
I keep my mouth shut and look back to Peeta. He has turned around now and is staring at me with sad eyes. This is the first time I have looked at him properly in weeks. I swallow hard and look away from his sad features, my heart aching.
"I didn't mean to scare you. I just lost track of time, is all," I say.
"You have been out all this time and you haven't brought any game back?" Gale asks questioningly.
"I missed a few times and gave up. I climbed a tree and sat for a while," I reply, feeling like I am being interrogated.
"You climbed a tree? Is that a wise thing to do?" Peeta speaks up.
"Nothing happened," I say.
"But it could have," Peeta says, his voice getting louder and louder. "What if you had fallen from the tree? What if an animal had attacked you? What if you went into premature labor, Katniss? Then what? You can't just think about yourself anymore. You hadn't eaten anything before I left, have you ate anything at all today?"
My silence is enough.
"You need to eat, Katniss," Prim scolds.
"I came home as soon as I felt hungry!" I snap.
"I don't know what is going on with you lately, Catnip," Gale replies.
"You have been acting differently for two weeks now. Is something going on?" Prim asks.
"I'm fine," I lie. "I'm sorry for scaring you. It won't happen again. I promise."
No one says another word. Peeta leaves the room, brushing past me on his way out, and climbs the stairs before he slams our bedroom door shut. I flinch, having never heard or seen Peeta do something so angry.
Prim, mother and Gale leave a short while later, after each of them scolds me a second time. "You should apologise to Peeta. He was the most worried out of all of us," Gale says before he leaves.
I know he is right - I do need to apologise.
Back in the kitchen, I cut a few slices of bread and make myself a sandwich. I eat quickly before I gulp down a glass of water. I wash my plate and glass in the sink, scrub down the kitchen counter and table, and sweep the floor. I look for something else to do, before I realise I won't be able to hold off talking to Peeta any longer, and so I climb the stairs and head to our bedroom.
He is laying in bed, on the side closest to the open window. I grab a few items of clothing before I go to the bathroom to change my clothes and brush my teeth. I release my hair from its braid and let it hand loose before I walk back to the room I share with Peeta and slide under our bed covers.
He is breathing so softly that I believe him to be asleep for a while, until he turns to face me. I force myself to keep my eyes on him, instead of looking elsewhere.
"Please, don't do that again," he whispers into the darkness.
"I won't. I'm sorry," I say.
"I thought you left me," he says, his eyes shining with unshed tears. He sounds so broken.
"I'll never leave you, Peeta. I promise."
"Do you hate me?" he asks.
"No!" I say quickly.
"Then why have you been acting so strange lately?" he questions, his voice weak. "Have I done something to hurt you?"
"I was scared," is all I say in reply.
"Of me?" he asks.
"Of myself," I say. "My feelings."
"I don't understand."
"I didn't want to love another person, Peeta. I tried so hard but I failed. You crept up on me," I explain.
"Ever since that night, when I told you-"
I cut him off. "I love you."
His eyes widen and his mouth opens slightly. "What?" he says dumbly.
"I love you. I realised it that night when you told me how you felt and I remembered how my mother was when my father died. She would stare at the wall all day. Prim and I had to force her to eat. We had to dress her. I never wanted to love someone so much that I would fall apart if something ever happened to them."
"You are stronger than she is, Katniss. You are the strongest and bravest person I know," Peeta says.
"Love makes you weak," I reply.
"I disagree. Love makes you stronger. Love gives you a reason for getting up in the morning. Love does not make you weak."
"I thought if I distanced myself from you my feelings would disappear. I knew I was hurting you and it killed me inside to do that to you, but I was so scared. I still am," I whisper.
"You don't have to be scared, sweetheart. I'm not going anywhere."
"Stay with me?" I ask. Peeta lifts a hand to brush a lock of hair behind my ear. His eyes never leave mine even when he comes closer, not until our noses are brushing, and then his flutter shut. I find myself closing my own eyes, and then all I feel is his lips on mine.
He pulls away, just long enough to give his reply. "Always."