01.04.4316
Well, I'm not even sure where to start. It's been over a standard year since I wrote that last entry and I'm out of practice on this thing. I've been helping Han clear out this equipment closet (my one-time cabin), and to suddenly come across this diary feels like opening up a time capsule from another era! I guess in some ways that's exactly what this is.
I remember intending to delete this journal, but at the last moment weakening and hiding it under my bunk instead. I think my rationale — for lack of a better term — was that maybe someday, long after the boys had flown away to move on with their lives, Han might discover it while moving things around in here. I imagined he would finally figure out the passkey (it was "scruffy looking," not exactly a brain-teaser), and then spend long hours reading through my ramblings from beginning to end, all the while wearing that wistful smile he gets that always melts my heart. It would be this grand, romantically tragic scene.
Of course, that never happened.
The nightmare in Cloud City, the six long months I spent in limbo with the Fleet while waiting for word on the bounty hunter who had taken Han away, and the months and battles that followed after his rescue meant I didn't have access to this, and then I simply forgot about it.
But here I am today, and with some rare free time to update, no less. Plenty of time, anyway, until Han wonders why I've gone so quiet and probably comes looking for me.
It's rather funny, in a bittersweet way, to find myself once again writing while we're in the middle of an entirely new journey together, only this time we aren't in danger and this trip is intentional.
This may come as a bit of a shock, but Han and I are on our honeymoon.
I know. Get the smelling salts. Clutch the jewels. Alert the media.
Scratch that. Goddess knows, it's all over the Holonet, so they already know. That saves me having to rehash all the gory details about what's happened in the past year. In any case, that's not why I'm writing this last entry.
And yes, this will be my last entry.
You see, the young woman who inadvertently poured her heart out into this datapad a year ago is no more, and I'm here now to bring that part of her life to a close. Just like the rest of the universe, she's changed and moved on. She's matured. She's awakened.
As I was scanning back through the previous entries today, there were two things that stood out to me. One was just how lost I sounded, both emotionally and spiritually. It's incredibly difficult to steer into the future when you've become convinced there isn't one. The other was just how close I'd come to the truth, but yet it still somehow eluded me. How could I have been so right and yet so wrong about everything; about him, about me, about so many things that seem crystal clear now? I guess that's exactly what they mean about hindsight having perfect vision.
I will gladly give Han most of the credit for this, and in more than just the obvious ways. He was the catalyst of my transformation. He's always been.
It's no secret that I'm stubborn. Bail used to tell me it was both my best and my worst trait, and Han carries on that tradition. I'm sure that's his way of keeping me humble, and he's got some solid leverage there. After all, it took his nearly dying in front of my eyes before I could admit I loved him.
But I did admit it, and I'm so glad that I did. He's sweet, he's caring, and he's handsome as ever. He makes me laugh, and he's in love with me.
As the saying goes, I may be slow, but I'm no fool.
But I also know that we were lucky. Very lucky. We beat the odds and we're still here, together. Best of all, suddenly there's this future spread out before us, as wide as the universe and limited only by our own imaginations. And I'm okay with that.
I don't know what lies ahead for us. It hasn't been an easy road so far and we're still so new at this marriage thing that sometimes I wonder if it will ever get any easier — but then I realize that if things ever became THAT easy, I'd probably begin to worry what was wrong.
But do you know what the biggest change of all has been?
That I'm looking forward to finding out.
I'd also like to state for the record that kissing Han hello is SO much better than kissing him goodbye. In fact, I could spend an entire day kissing him hello, and I'm pretty sure I have.
…
I don't know what to do with this journal now. I suppose the most prudent option would still be to wipe the memory, but at this point there's no real threat from its existence other than to my pride if this ever ended up on the Holonet.
But I'll confess, there's a part of me that's tempted to hide this again in hopes Han might still find it someday…