Out of curiosity, Gaara slowly reached down and picked up Kisame's sword from the ground. It was very heavy, so he willed the sand to come out and help put it on his back.
It made quite the visual image when combined with the already present gourd.
The two round curves.
The long—well, you get the idea.
In a short amount of time, Gaara found the sword too heavy and cumbersome and decided to throw it back on the ground, simply making a mental note that he would have to inform the Hokage about the suspicious object later. There could be enemies lurking about. The Sand were there to help defend Konoha after all.
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Chapter 21 – "Faking It"
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"Yo." Kakashi said, poofing into the Hokage's office.
The Copy-ninja looked about only to find it strangely empty. He shrugged.
"Hmmm," He thought, "Good, this will give me some time…"
…
…
"Do really think I've let myself go?" Jiraiya asked Tsunade in a somewhat pitiful manner, as he patted at his chest, finding that it was getting a bit squishy.
"Hmph." Tsunade smirked, with a slight laugh.
Jiraiya stuck out his lip, pouting at her.
"You should really go get some exercise or something instead of hopelessly wandering about, hoping some uninhibited woman will take pity on you and your desperation."
Suddenly there was a gleam in Jiraiya's eye.
"You know, there is some exercise that you and I could—".
Jiraiya's train of thought was shattered as he was suddenly met with the image of a very large fist held a few inches from his face. His eyes moved down to stare at Tsunade's equally large breasts.
"My eyes are up here, Jiraiya." Tsunade said in a cool and calm, yet threatening manner.
"I…yeah," Jiraiya laughed nervously.
Tsunade snorted and turned to leave. Jiraiya's mind raced.
"Wait, uh, how about lunch?"
Tsunade paused, slowly raising her eyebrow.
"On me?"
Tsunade narrowed her eyes in suspicion.
Jiraiya blinked, quickly clarifying himself.
"I-I mean I'll pay for it," He exclaimed, waving his hands, "not that lunch is ON me…in some…manner—"
"I get it, Jiraiya," She smirked, poking him in the side, "…I'm not one to pass up a free meal."
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…
Temari sighed as she sat on a box at a street corner next to a quaint little restaurant. While the Sand kunoichi was somewhat curious as to what her brothers were up to at this moment, she was enjoying her little break, simply sitting there taking in the view as many half-naked Konoha shinobi walked past.
"Ah…" She said dreamily. Suddenly, a noise behind her caught her attention.
She sat up and spun around to see a rather round genin.
"H-hi," Chouji smiled and waved at her. His face had a tint of red to it.
Temari looked at him strangely.
Chouji continued smiling.
The kunoichi titled her head, slight amusement spread across her face, "What is it?"
Chouji fidgeted. "Y-your hair…"
Temari raised an eyebrow.
"Your-pretty!" Chouji finally managed to get out.
"What?" She said with surprise.
Chouji's eyes went wide, panicking— "I-I mean…a friend said your pretty—right. A friend. Yeah."
"A friend." Temari said slowly, "Really?"
Chouji grinned and nodded profusely, glowing red with embarrassment.
An image of Shikamaru appeared in the blonde's head.
"Aw, how sweet of him…" Temari said dreamily, jumping to conclusions.
"Huh?" Chouji said flatly. He was very confused for a few moments until he suddenly realized that she must have thought he was talking about Shikamaru when he was really talking about himself.
Chouji slowly began to narrow his eyes.
"You know," Chouji began after a few moments of thought, "I've got some real interesting stories to tell."
"Hm?" Temari asked with a questioning look.
Chouji then proceeded to spill the goods on everything he's seen since he started following Shikamaru around the past few weeks.
…
…
As Chouji finished his exciting tales of excruciating detail, Temari began to twitch profusely.
"He's done WHAT with WHO?" Temari yelled with increasing volume.
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"Ah…" Tsunade breathed, after gulping down another bottle of sake.
Jiraiya glanced up at the bartender and ordered several more things of alcohol.
"So, Jiraiya," Tsuande hiccupped, "I thought you were broke. Where did you get this money?"
Jiraiya grinned, "I 'borrowed' that Naruto's purse."
The Hokage glared at him disapprovingly.
"I'm gonna give it back!" Jiraiya defended, "…eventually…"
There was a pause.
Tsunade rested her elbows on the table, "I wonder how Naruto's doing out there."
"Not too well from what I've seen," Jiraiya took another gulp of sake.
Tsunade sighed.
"For the life of me I can't figure it out." He continued.
"What?" The Hokage asked, shifting her eyes over to Jiraiya.
"How someone that invented the Sexy no Jutsu…" The pervert's nose bled simply from the thought, "…could know so little about women.
"That's not saying much…" Tsunade closed her eyes, smirking, "…you barely know anything about women and you write porn novels."
"HEY!" Jiraiya exclaimed with a hurt look.
"But, seriously, Jiraiya…" Tsunade continued, "Think. Have you ever actually fully looked at Naruto's Sexy no Jutsu…WITHOUT the smoke or something else still covering bits and things?"
Jiraiya blinked, wide-eyed in realization, "N-no…I—"
"The truth is—" Tsunade breathed into Jiraiya's ear, sending his whole body tingling.
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…
"SAY IT ISN'T SO!" Jiraiya yelled, tearing out of the bar.
It only took him a few minutes to find Naruto—as well as Kiba—who seemed to be running away in distress from something.
"NARUTO!" Jiraiya called out.
Naruto came to a screeching halt, but Kiba kept on running. "The eyes, THE EYES!" Kiba squealed as he disappeared off into the distance.
"What is it, Ero-sennin?" Naruto said curiously, scrunching up his face.
"Quick, Naruto!" Jiraiya said in a panic jumping around, "Do your Sexy no Jutsu!"
Naruto crossed his arms, opening one eye to look at the white-haired pervert suspiciously.
Jiraiya waved his hands about, "Come on, come on!" He said with growing impatience.
After a few moments of contemplation, Naruto shrugged. "Okay."
Jiraiya nodded.
"Sexy no Jutsu!" POOF!
Some of the smoke cleared to reveal a blonde, busty Naruto.
Jiraiya quickly began to fan the smoke that remained covering the female Naruto's breasts, among other things.
Jiraiya twitched slightly. He couldn't believe it. Tsunade was right.
"Naruto," Jiraiya said slowly, devastated tears welling up in his eyes, "You do realize that women have nipples, right?"
Naruto blinked, before glancing down and poking his round nipple-less boob.
"Whoa, really?" Naruto said with awe, "I had no idea!"
Jiraiya rolled his eyes. He was about ready to go cry in a far away corner somewhere.
"How else do you think the milk comes out!" Jiraiya nearly screamed at the blonde genin.
Naruto twitched. "M-milk comes from girls' breasts?"
Jiraiya nodded.
"Oh GOD! I drank some of that this morning!" Naruto began to turn green.
"Naruto…" Jiraiya said slowly. "That kind of milk comes from cows."
The blonde tilted his head with a confused look. "Does that mean that cows have boobs too?"
"AAAAAHHHhh!" The white-haired man growled in aggravation, "This conversation is going nowhere!"
Naruto blinked, releasing the Sexy no Jutsu, "huh?"
"Look." Jiraiya said, narrowing his eyes, getting up in Naruto's face. "What I want to know is, how the hell did you come up with the Sexy no Jutsu when it is pretty obvious that you have never seen a real naked female."
Naruto paused for a moment, scratching his head in thought.
"Well, one day I was passing by a ladies clothing store and they were changing the clothes on some lady mannequins and so they were all naked and so then I was like whoa that would make an awesome jutsu!"
Naruto grinned really wide.
Jiraiya could only stare with his mouth hanging open.
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In a dark alley way, two sinister looking figures finalized their plans—their curved shadows dancing on the walls.
"So, you know what to do right?"
"Yeah."
"Remember, find him, and lure him in my direction." She said in a whisper.
"Right, and you do the same. Don't let him catch on."
Their grins glowed in the darkness.
A few seconds later, they were off, heading in opposite directions.
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Shikamaru was in the middle of a sneeze when he was knocked to the ground by a yellow blur who was not paying attention to where he was going.
Naruto looked up, grinning and began loudly, "Hey Shikamaru, what's happen—"
"Shhhh. I'm being followed!" Shikamaru whispered, slapping a hand over Naruto's perpetually flapping mouth.
"Huh?" Naruto asked loudly.
"Be quiet! I'm being tracked!" Shikamaru sent a shifty look in all directions.
"Oh shit." A figure thought, quickly ducking back into the shadows, "I hope he hasn't seen me yet."
"Ookay…" Naruto said slowly, remembering to be quieter this time.
Shikamaru shot Naruto a glance.
For the next few tense moments they began to tippy-toe a few steps forward right up until—
"HEY SHIKA!" Came a loud jubilated squeal.
"WAAAAAH!" Shikamaru and Naruto screamed in terror as they fell backwards together from being startled so suddenly.
While Shikamaru was having a few moments of trouble breathing, Naruto sat up and blinked, looking at the one who surprised them.
"Oh, Hey Sakura!" Naruto greeted.
Sakura had just suddenly jumped in front of the two.
"S-sakura, why—" Shikamaru began, holding his head with his hand.
"OOooooOOOooo, Shikamaru!" Sakura sing-songed, trying to put on her best act, "You've got to come see!"
Sakura grabbed him by the arm and pulled him up.
"See what?"
"Uh…" Sakura tried to think quickly as she dragged Shikamaru toward the intersection with another street, leaving Naruto sitting on his butt, "Oh it's very, very interesting!"
"?" Shika pondered.
Sakura put on her biggest fake smile, thinking, "I hope Ino fulfilled her end of the deal."
Suddenly, Shikamaru and Sakura's ears perked up as they began to hear a rising wail that was getting louder and—
"Bingo." Sakura grinned in realization.
"WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHhhhhh!"
Sakura and Shikamaru watched as Sasuke suddenly appeared from the intersecting street, running for dear life from Ino who was pretending to threaten him with Shintenshin no Jutsu. He would do anything to avoid THAT again.
As soon as Ino spotted Sakura, she stopped running. Sasuke, noticing that he was no longer being pursued, ended up stopping just a little ways from Shikamaru and Sakura.
Shikamaru stared at Sasuke questioningly, as Ino and Sakura sent each other a few discreet hand signals.
"3…2…1…"
"OH SHIKAMARU!" Ino and Sakura suddenly exclaimed at the same time.
Shikamaru and Sasuke turned their heads to see the girls pouting their lips out and making big googly eyes filled with sparkles. Suddenly sparkles appeared all around Ino and Sakura as though they were shimmering.
Sasuke's mouth fell open.
Shikamaru barely had the chance to raise his eyebrow in question before he was mauled.
The chuunin's eyes went wide as Sakura and Ino attached themselves at his arms.
"Oh Shika!" Sakura moaned. "Oh Sexy Pineapple-Head!" Ino cooed, fawning all over him.
Sasuke twitched in confusion. His brain just couldn't process what he was seeing—much less believe it. The Uchiha's eyes were about to bug out.
"Shikamaru, we LOVE you!" The girls said playfully, running their hands up and down his body.
Shikamaru's face began to turn deep red no matter the fact that he was deeply confused and somewhat petrified at the whole sudden ordeal.
Meanwhile, Sasuke's mouth was flapping open and closed like a fish out of water.
After several minutes, which Ino and Sakura figured would be enough, they discreetly winked at each other, backing off from Shika, pretending to be about to fall over.
"Oh, Shika," Sakura sighed, wandering backwards, a hand over her face as though she was about to faint.
Ino did the same, cunningly making her way away, "Oh, the hotness emanating from you is far too strong."
There were a few more "Oh"s and "Ah"s from the curiously fainting girls until they had disappeared out of sight, leaving two very confused male shinobi behind.
Shikamaru blinked several times.
Sasuke's neck creaked a few times as he turned his head to look at Shikamaru. The Uchiha moved his mouth up and down, trying to make the words come out.
After a moment, Shikamaru realized that Sasuke was looking at him strangely, searching for answers.
The chuunin shrugged, "Well, don't look at me!"
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Off in the distance, two kunoichi gave each other a high five.
"Do you think it worked?"
"Ha! I think so! Did you SEE his FACE?" She replied, giggles erupting.
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After overcoming the initial shock of the incident, Sasuke slowly trudged away to rethink his mating plan. He had really thought that he was ready for them too. Well, Ino WITHOUT her using THAT jutsu, but still…
Sasuke looked distraught. He had worked so hard to overcome his fears, and now this. He had found many other videos that he had stolen from Kakashi's apartment that he had broken into a week ago when he wasn't home. Sasuke had taken the time to memorize many, many more techniques with his Sharingan. But, what to do now? Should he try to win back the attention of Ino or Sakura? What other girls were there?
An image of Tenten appeared in his mind. He thought of her dark hair and dark eyes.
"Hmm…She might be good. She seems sane, and normal. I could see myself maybe reviving my clan with her."
Oh, how wrong he was.
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Naruto became curious about all the commotion and finally got up off his butt to see where Shikamaru and Sakura went.
As he was getting up, he spotted Kiba walking towards him.
"Hey, Kiba what's—"
"I heard yelling." Kiba explained, "What's going on?"
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…
Naruto and Kiba ran up to Shikamaru who still had a dazed and confused expression on his face.
Before Naruto and Kiba could get out of him what had just happened, or where Sakura had run off to, they heard a screeching yell—the owner of which was quickly approaching.
"SHIKAMARU!"
The chuunin nearly jumped out of his skin as a dust cloud surrounded him from the sheer force of the person running so fast towards him.
When the dust settled, Shikamaru found himself face to face with a very angry Temari. And Chouji wasn't far behind, wandering up quickly to see the show.
Naruto and Kiba simply stared.
"YOU!" Temari struck her fan out at Shikamaru, holding it inches away from his nose.
"…?"
"You two-timing—three-timing" Temari pause to recount on her fingers for greater emphasis, "No, FOUR-timing bastard!"
Before he had any chance to make any sort of case in his defense, Temari slapped him across the face.
"Let's see how YOU like it," She exclaimed, pointing at Shikamaru. Her eyes scanned the crowd.
Temari then immediately walked over in a huff, bypassing Chouji who had his lips out puckered up and suddenly grabbing a different surprised genin by the collar, laying a big wet smack on Naruto, locking lips with him.
Shikamaru blinked.
"…" Was all that Naruto could manage as Temari released his lips.
Kiba gaped while Chouji slumped in disappointment.
Off in the shadows a hidden Hinata—who had been stealthily stalking Naruto all the while—saw the display, letting out a harsh gasp, suddenly feeling the burning desire of revenge and the hurt of betrayal.
After Temari led a confused Naruto away, Kiba and Chouji were left standing in silence.
Suddenly, a realization hit Kiba.
"Shikamaru's a Slut!"
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Meanwhile, far away in a far off, dark, underground lair:
"Uh…pain. The PAIN!" The shadowy figure complained, stepping from his shower, his arms dripping with blood.
"ERRR my ARMS!" He cursed mentally, "They won't MOVE!"—as he wandered about the bathroom. The man stood and stared at the toilet that seemed to be just sitting there, mocking him with its very existence.
Suddenly a loud voice boomed through the lair:
"KABUTO!"
Kabuto flinched slightly as he heard the voice calling him.
"KABUTO!"
"Coming, Orochimaru-sama!" He called out in quick reply.
"I need a bathroom attendant! NOW!" Orochimaru ordered.
Kabuto grumbled slightly as he slowly made his way to Orochimaru.
"Kabuto, get in here!"
Kabuto twitched. "At least Sasuke will be here soon…" he thought, "…the Sound Four were ordered to Konoha moments ago."
Then, with a new body, at least Orochimaru could go "drain the snake" on his own.
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Tsunade returned to her office to find someone waiting for her.
"Hokage-sama," Kakashi began.
"You, what're you—" She started before she looked at his face.
"What are you doing with your mask on? You're not supposed to have that!" Tsunade scolded, marching right up to him to remove it.
But, when she reached out to touch his cheek, her fingers suddenly felt…wet.
Kakashi watched as the Hokage pulled back, flipping her hand over to observe her now black-stained fingers.
"Y-you…didn't!" She stared at him, not having expected this.
The Copy-nin just sort of grinned at her.
He had actually gone and painted a mask on his face.
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To Be Continued
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Review Please!
Next Chapters: Kakashi and Tsunade, Gaara… and what will Sasuke do? What will Hinata do? What is Ino and Sakura's next move? The Sound Four will arrive soon, plus more on Itachi and Kisame, and…looky here what Zetsu dragged in…hehehe! And more!
A/N: I did two NEW comics, plus another drawing from this fic since last time. They are entitled Jiraiya's Pickup Lines and Sasuke's Other Dream Sequence. You can find the links in my profile OR in the artist comment section of the previous two comics. Enjoy!
Also, thanks so much for the reviews and support. It means so much.
And, as for a F.A.Q.; re: the pairings. Are there set pairings? There will be. But, I meant what I said in the author note at the top of the very first chapter. The pairings will go all over the place, it's everybody X everybody! So, no need to freak out at strange happenings. Just cause ninja A left ninja B, to go "make babies" with ninja's C-Z, it doesn't mean that they, in the end, won't decide that hey, they liked B best in the first place, or even E or F or something. :)
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