Chapter 21 Everybody Hurts

Something was wrong.

He wasn't sure what it was, but something was not right with Ritsu. They'd met at his apartment and Ritsu had that look; that 'I'm trying to hold it together, but am about to lose it, and since I'm fine I don't need to tell Akira' look. Well, it wasn't like he was expecting him to change overnight here, and Ritsu's lack of relationship experience wasn't helping. He needed to be patient with him and accept him as he was. Still, this need of Ritsu's to handle everything on his own and keep his emotions hidden, was probably the only thing that really bothered him.

For him being in a committed relationship didn't just mean hot passionate sex, although that was an important component, but it also meant transparency and openness, and this was still very new to Ritsu. Probably because deep down he was still hurting from this Takano-san bastard, and not only from what happened recently but probably what had happened in high school when, due to a misunderstanding and a lack of confidence, Ritsu had seriously thought the man had been playing with him.

He knew from experience the direct route was doomed to failure.

Instead he gave his boyfriend space as he finished preparing dinner. It was getting colder again, perfect nabe weather.

Over dinner, they talked about everything but how Ritsu was feeling and it was starting to drive Akira nuts.

"So, you were going to tell me more about your trip. It sounds like there were hundreds of people at your mother's birthday.

"Not hundreds, but I've got a lot of cousins on that side of the family, so they came, and a lot of them are married so they brought their spouses and children, and my mother's colleagues at her university came so it was a lot. Oh, and my siblings of course, but then we were the hosts, well us and my mother's husband. It was a lot of work, but so worth it. I mean she did so much for us, when we were growing up, and she did it mostly on her own. Now it's back to work. Can you believe the editors want to make one more round of edits on the memoirs? I thought I was finished."

"That sounds a bit right, though. It always takes more time than you think."

"How was your day? Anything interesting happen?" Akira couldn't help himself. Well, phishing didn't count as direct. You're upset. Just let me in already. Tell me what's going on.

"Nothing much. Well, aside from something happening. I mean it wasn't a really big deal, so I don't even know why I'm telling you." Oh, man, just spit it out! Akira knew better not to say and hoped he was keeping his face sufficiently neutral. So much for patiently waiting.

"Want to tell me anyway?"

"It's just that I was going down to get some lunch from the convenience store. Yeah, I know, I'm trying to get out of that habit, but it's better than energy drinks at least. Anyway, so out of nowhere he shows up on the floor."

By he, that could only mean one person. Takano-san. Shit. Maybe his nightmare of Takano-san trying to cause trouble hadn't been so out of proportion?

"It was so embarrassing, because I literally jumped back, when I saw him. It was so stupid. But it turns out he's dating a woman in my department. Maybe they were meeting for lunch. I just, it made me remember what it was like back when I was working for him, and how I never knew what was going on with him, and how conflicted I was. Stupid reason to freak out, right?"

"I don't think so. He caused you a lot of trauma."

"But that was months ago! And now I'm with you, and I'm happier so why did it come up again? I feel so weak."

"I'm not surprised. For ten years you were obsessed with him, and you weren't clear even then what he really thought about you, and then when you both met again, it wasn't in ideal circumstances at all, and you ended up in a dysfunctional relationship which ended in him raping you. Look, it's not quite the same, but I'm sure I told you about my coach. It took years to heal from that."

"Your coach? I thought you told me you owed winning gold to him."

"Ah. You're right, but I had a coach before him who almost destroyed me. I thought I told you about him? Higuchi Sensei?"

"No." Oops. Well, he usually avoided talking about it. It had certainly been more enjoyable to focus on his triumphs and the days when it seemed the whole country loved him.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you. It's a long story, but here's the shorter version. When I moved back here in my teens, my mother had found a coach for me, but what she didn't realize was this coach liked to have sex with the boys he worked with. He was 20 years older than me. I was one of these teenagers who thought they should be treated like adults. I should have realized it was wrong. He was also abusive. Verbally abusive more than anything. He must have realized the stupidity of physically hurt me when he was trying to get me to an Olympic level. Because as a coach he really was at the top of his field, it's just nobody knew about his hidden proclivities.

"Eventually it all came out. I mentioned something to your grandfather which must have alerted him to something wrong, and the next thing I knew my mother had flown in and I had a new coach. I was so pissed off. you've heard of Stockholm Syndrome? I was sort of like that. I was so convinced he loved me, and he was going to leave his wife for me. The family covered it up. I moved on and had therapy for years after that."

"You don't seem so full of yourself now."

"I've matured, although I still have my moments. You'd probably have detested the old me. My mother made me see a therapist, and at first, I was resentful, but eventually I realized that what my coach had done was wrong. So, what I'm saying is you might need therapy too." As he was finishing the sentence Akira realized he had made a detour, and with the way Ritsu was furrowing his eyebrows and frowning it didn't bode well. Well, it would take time especially with the stigma about going to therapy. Shit, this man was stubborn, but then again so was he in his own way.

"Therapy? Isn't that a little extreme?"

"I don't think so, but I grew up with a mother who was very pro therapy. We had therapy when she divorced my father also. We probably needed it before the divorce more though, because he was kind of unpredictable. Whatever. That's a story for another time. But the real short version of that one is we don't really get along well. I don't even know why he married my mother. He was always complaining about everything she did was American. Well, hello, you married an american, asshole."

"That is kind of strange, although maybe he didn't realize it would be an issue when they were dating?"

"Who knows. But it was always she was too American, too modern. I didn't know must of this. I just knew he was yelling at her again, and I just wanted it to stop. And then he'd start yelling at me, and then my brother and sister would start yelling back. It's my day to bring up all the crap in my childhood, sorry. My point is really, that therapy has helped me a lot. It's not something that fixes things overnight but overtime I've been helped. I'm just saying think about it maybe?"

"Maybe." Ritsu must have seen something in his expression. "No, really. I will think about it seriously. It's just not something I've ever thought of doing. Anyway, I'm sorry you had such a bad experience growing up."

"Look, a lot of my childhood was good. My father did have his good moments. Sometimes. He loved that I had gotten into Tennis and encouraged me there, and he always encouraged my siblings with their careers. Of course, the cynical side of me would say this is because our successes reflected well on him."

"My father was just never around. And my mother always seemed to live her life through me when she wasn't concentrating on running charity events. It never bothered me though. We have a huge library and I've always loved reading. Sometimes my father would bring me into the office, and everyone would treat me like royalty, and I got to spend time with my father and I also met all sorts of interesting people and the best part was I always got a book to take home with me. I knew I wanted to go into publishing by the time I was finishing elementary school."

"Ritsu. Just one more thing. I don't want you to suffer, and it just seems like you are still, and I just want you to be happy without having to worry about the past anymore, and if it could help you even a little don't you think it would be worth it?"

"Okay, okay, I did say I'd think about it." Akira smiled. Even at his most tsundere, Ritsu was still his.

"Did I tell you that everywhere I went on my trip it felt wrong because you weren't with me?"

"Maybe once or twice." That smile was back. Then a frown. "You're not just saying that?" Shit, this man needed a self confidence booster shot.

"I hope you know by now that I never say things without meaning it. I'd start missing you, so I told myself that I'll take you to all these places. Like there's a wonderful beach that's quiet I think you'd like. There's long staircase that leads down to it and I really want to take you there. And the Castro in San Francisco. And the Golden Gate Bridge." And gay marriage was legal there and you didn't even have to be citizens, because even though they weren't there yet, there wasn't anything wrong with a little research.

"Well you have me now. And I've gone some free time coming up at least on the weekends."

"That sounds like it would be amazing. I love you, Ritsu." Where had that come from? He was waiting for another place and time for that, but somehow it had just come out. He stretched across the table to pull him over for a kiss, thinking of more enjoyable events to come which hopefully involved bare skin and the bedroom. Ritsu looked up at him with those huge eyes; those eyes which had made him think when they first met at that tennis class months ago, 'don't let him go.'

"Thank you." 'I love you' would come in time and hopefully, some therapy, and Akira was willing to give him all the time he needed.

Title is Everybody Hurts by REM. Not necessarily the most validating song ever written, but it fits the chapter.