Glinda calmly put her books on her bed turned to look at Elphie. In two steps she was in front of the green girl her hand raised, palm open, angry.
Elphie braced herself for the sting of Glinda's hand and looked at her approvingly. Her momentary flash of fury ebbed and Glinda lowered her hand and walked away.
"How could you be so cruel? Cruel, sarcastic words are one thing Elphaba, but these were actions. Cruel, hurtful, deliberate actions."
She was walking around trembling.
"I have never been so angry with anyone, ever. You promised you would never leave and you lied. You left me alone with nothing but a lot babbled nonsense and a kiss goodnight."
Elphie watched her love walking and trembling with rage and new that deserved whatever the blonde did or said to her.
"I was worried sick, did you know that? Did you even care? Did you care that I was hurt and frightened?
Did you care about anything at all?" She spat
She stared at Elphie who hadn't moved from her spot. She was trying to control her words, but she was angry, very angry.
"Who in the hell are you to decide what is best for me, you don't even know what's best for you. It hurt me, deeply, to find out that you don't really know me at all. I know you struggle with not feeling worthy, but this went way too far. If I wanted someone else, I would have someone else; it's not like I don't have options. As you yourself pointed out." She said with venom in her voice
"How could you think I am that shallow, that focused on appearances and what every body else thinks. I want more for my life than hanging off some man's arm at social functions and I thought you knew that. You know nothing."
She walked around in a small circle, then looked into Elphie's eyes.
How could you be so selfish? So unbelievably cruel and selfish? And arrogant, lets not forget the it's for the best, arrogance." She said in a quiet, measured, but very angry tone.
She turned and walked away. Elphie had been fighting the urge to scream an apology, but knew a simple apology would not help this. She stood her ground, fighting back tears, listening to every angry word.
"You slip into the room in the middle of the night, you tell me nothing, but that it's all for the best. What Elphaba? What's for the best? My being hurt, devastated, and confused. Who's best is that?
You left me. You left me alone to wonder what I did to push you over the edge. You are being a selfish, cruel, and arrogant ass and I was blaming myself, questioning everything."
Her anger started to ebb slightly
"Did you even stop to think how I felt about all of this? How could you think that I would accept your proclamation of freedom to date? Or did you walk out on me because you knew I wouldn't, and didn't want to witness how badly you hurt me. Which leads me back to. Do you even care that you hurt me?'
She sat down on her bed tears of frustration, anger and hurt welling in her eyes. She took a deep breath and her voice softened just a little.
"I trusted you, and you left me. But worse, you didn't care enough to even try to talk to me, you just issued edicts, and walked out. I wasn't important enough to you, everything we've been through, and everything we've done and felt mattered so little to you, that you just gave up. You gave up everything that we are and could be, with no discussion, no fighting, and no tears. You gave me up. That hurts more than anything, to know that somewhere deep down, you are still so unfeeling, cruel and uncaring that you can just quit on me, on us and what we were building together, and walk away."
"I don't trust you right now Elphaba, and that hurts. You kissed me, then left me. You told me you loved me, and you left me. I love you, and I needed you to come home. But now that you are here, I don't know what to do."
She looked at Elphie, who sometime during all of this, had sat down in the pink chair. Glinda could see on her face that she was hurting too. She knew her words had stung, but at that moment did not care.
"Why did you come home any way?"
This was her first non-rhetorical question.
"Because you told me to, and because I realized that I was being an ass." Elphie said quietly
"I went through four days of pure torture because of you. I put myself through that, because I felt, still feel, that we are meant to be together. If you don't think that we belong together, or you just do not want to be together. You need to tell me now Elphaba."
Her voice was hard and cold and stung Elphie worse than her slap would have.
"I can not tell you that. I know what I want, but I do not trust what I feel right now."
She got up and went to get her journal and opened it up.
"Glinda, I know you are angry with me. I am angry with myself." She held her journal close to her.
I need you to read this. There was a reason for my behavior, a misguided one. It is a reason, but not an excuse. What I did to you was inexcusable, I know that." She said, her voice laced with sorrow.
"Are you kidding me Elphaba? You want me to read, now!" Glinda was dumbfounded.
"After you left yesterday, Mr. Kwenyo pushed me to talk to him. He told me things that mixed me up and confused me terribly. I worked it out in here. This will not be easy to read, but you need to know this, and what happened and how I pieced it all together. Please read it. Then we can talk, or fight, or you can throw me out."
Glinda took the journal from Elphie's quivering hand and saw she was serious and desperate.
"Alright Elphaba, I'll read what you want me to."
Elphie headed for the door.
"I will leave you alone to read and go get us some dinner."
"You are leaving again. How long for this time? Five days, a week? Why not take some clothes and oils, then you don't have to return at all."
Glinda was poking Elphaba, just to hurt her, and they both knew it.
"I am going to get us something to eat and will be back in about an hour."
Glinda got up and went over to her.
"I need to know something Elphaba, answer me honestly."
"Of course"
"Do you want me? I don't mean just sex. Do you want me to do participate in your life? Do you want me to share it with you? Do you want me to experience your frustrations and happiness, your sadness and embarrassments? Do you want me?"
Elphaba gazed into the crystal clear blue eyes that were still hurt and angry.
"In my life I have only truly ever wanted two things. To come to school at Shiz and to have you in my life in some fashion. I never thought I deserved either one, but I got both. Yes I want you, very much. But what I want might not matter. Please read what I indicated. Please. I'll be back in an hour."
She didn't try to kiss her or even touch her. They were too far apart right now for that.
Glinda didn't know if she felt better or not, but she wasn't as angry as she was before, and that made everything a little easier.
She settled in her chair and started to read Elphie's journal.
"I realized this morning that I can't keep doing this, I'm barely sleeping and if it wasn't for Tyuron, not eating. But the worst is seeing Glinda, even for a few moments, Seeing her sleep, in my bed, is killing me. I still feel this is for the best, but it is the hardest thing I've ever done, ever."
Knowing that Elphie had actually felt something softened Glinda just a little. She read about how her love was trying to find some comfort, with Mr. Kwenyo, but couldn't. Elphie had rehashed that Saturday night, wanting to find a reason that had made her see things the way she had and reacted as she did. Her journal wasn't making much more sense than she had.
"Great Oz, she's here."
Glinda smiled, knowing for sure that Elphie had heard her. As she read on, Elphie's handwriting became less precise and her thoughts disjointed, but what she was writing about became all to clear. Tears ran down her face as she read, and occasionally she gasped. When she got to the end she was trembling.
"What did this people do to you my love?" She whispered
She collected herself and reread the entries, wanting to make sure she had understood.
"I was asked if I loved her, and if I was ashamed that I did love her. I couldn't even answer that question, and now I know why. And Mr. Kwenyo knows about us, if we are still an us. Glinda won't care, but how can I face him?
I read and reread my father's writings, trying to desensitize myself. I have always been abnormal and unnatural, according to him, but now Glinda is too, and worse. My precious, sweet Lyndie is evil and depraved, soulless and abhorrent, a degenerate. And all simply because we fell in love with each other, because we wanted a life together, because we were being physical, and enjoying it. Or so those writings teach.
Mr. Kwenyo told me about my father's writings and how I heard this corrupted thinking day in and day out while I was growing up, Made worse because it was being told to me by someone I needed to believe.
He had no explanations for me, but the library did.
This is not in my belief system, not even a thought in my head. But I discovered it was in my subconscious, causing me to be physically ill whenever I felt so called forbidden feelings to strongly.
If I understood what I read, I was brainwashed, or something similar when I was young. Which is why I couldn't control or understand why I was getting sick, or why I kept having feelings that my life with Glinda wasn't right. I snapped at lashed out because of a belief that I don't subscribe to and didn't even know was there. I left the only person I've ever cared about because somewhere within me I wanted to protect her from being seen as depraved and soulless, by separating her from me and her feelings for me And because I didn't realize any of this at the time I left her. I just left her. Alone for no good reason. That realization sent me to my knees. My face feels like it is burning off I cried so hard, but that can't even hold a candle to the pain I put her through. What have I done?"
Mr. K told me I was like my father, in that I am passionate about what I think, but unyielding, not even realizing it is wrong, I'm adding the part about not caring who gets hurt as long as the belief is served. I hurt her. She wants me to come home, but how can I? How can we have a life after she finds out what was really going on inside me. Knowing it makes me sick, How can I expect her to want me, or trust me. But knowing her she probably will anyway eventually. Mr. K said he doesn't understand the kinds of feelings I have for Glinda and frankly, I don't understand how she can continue to have those feelings for me, but she will, I'm sure. If she can forgive me for leaving her. I left her. What have I done? How will I survive?
Glinda dried her eyes. Another piece of Elphie's puzzle, another thing for her to contend with. Another thing for them to contend with. She had no clue how anyone could think like this, could have so much hate towards other people. She would love whomever she chose to and no narrow -minded theologian was going to tell her it was wrong. This explained why Elphie had left her, but didn't ease the hurt of it. Even though she sort of understood, it didn't seem to help her feelings sort out.
Elphie left and went to get them some dinner. They had a lot of talking ahead of them, if Glinda even wanted to try any more. Everyone had their limits. She walked around for a little while trying to recover from Glinda's ire. It was deserved, but painful. She hated it that she had made her so angry and hurt her so badly. Before she realized, it was time to get dinner and go upstairs. She was very frightened.
Balancing the tray of food and pitchers of drinks, Elphie opened the door, Glinda rushed to help her. After everything was put on the table, Glinda reached up and touched the fading marks on Elphie's face. That brief, gentle touch, feeling her after everything, after days, made Elphie flinch ever so slightly.
"Can we talk a little while we eat?" Glinda said tentatively
"Of course Glinda." Elphie said setting out their food and pouring drinks.
"I love herb chicken with pasta, thank you." She wanted to say my love, but it wouldn't come out.
"I know we have much to discuss, I figured we needed fuel." She tried to smile but failed.
"Elphie, we do have a lot to talk about, and we are not Ok."
"I know that Glinda."
"But you need to know, and hear. I still love you. I am still a little angry and hurt and confused, but I love you, I don't know what to do with you right now except love you, As long as you don't withdraw, or leave, we will work through this." She was dead serious.
"I will not withdraw or leave. And I want to work through this, but I don't know how. No matter how it seemed, I never stopped loving you."
"I read your journal"
She saw a dark look cloud Elphie's face.
"We need to sort through that mess, but if it's ok with you, I'd like to wait until tomorrow."
"Whatever you wish, Honestly, I'm not sure I could deal with it now anyway."
They ate in silence for a time, but it wasn't the comfortable relaxed silence that they used to cherish.
"Elphie, where did you sleep, while you were gone" Tears formed in her eyes when she thought about it.
Elphie sighed "Last night I didn't sleep at all. I spent the night with psychology and theology books in the library."
"Even after it closed?"
"I hid as they were turning off the lights, then turned on the one in the little windowless corner I have used as a study escape since the beginning of the year."
Glinda stared at her incredulously
"I'll take you there, this weekend if you wish."
"I do wish. Ok how about the other nights?"
"I studied and ate dinner at Tyuron's until they closed, which was late, then came back her and slept for a few hours in the little parlor down the hall."
"You were right down the hall?" Glinda said a little angrily.
Elphie nodded
"And you sneaked in here when I was sleep to change clothes?"
"Yes" Elphie, said quietly, unable to look Glinda in the eye.
"Why, Elphaba, why couldn't you just have told me where you were, instead of making me crazy with worry."
"I thought it would be easier on you."
"I think we've sufficiently covered the fact that it was not." Glinda glared at Elphie.
"How long were you planning on continuing that insanity Elphaba?"
"I thought I'd take a small room at the Inn, until I had to go to Colwen Grounds."
"You were really leaving me, completely."
"I didn't want to, I just felt I had to."
Glinda sighed in frustration. And Elphie got up and started to pace.
"Now that I know the folly that was fueling this misguided disaster, I am even more devastated. I was suffering too Glinda, I am suffering. I stood outside that door, actively fighting with myself to not come back in here and plead insanity. When I came in here early in the morning, my instinct was to crawl in bed with you and tell you we were having a shared nightmare. I ignored my instincts all through this debacle, and I still don't know why. I don't know how something from my past could have such a strong hold on me. I was starting to mistrust everything."
"I'm not even going to ask why you couldn't talk to me about what was going on. The answer would just be I don't know." Glinda sighed.
"Go get ready for bed Elphaba. We both need some sleep. We can fight more tomorrow."
Elphie did not argue. She was too exhausted. Since she had just bathed, she quickly cleaned up, treated her face and put on a nightdress. It was the first time in four nights she had actually gotten ready for bed properly. Out of habit, she started Glinda's bath.
"Elphaba." Glinda said as she went into the bathroom.
"Thank you for coming home." She said sincerely.
She shut the door, poured some of the relaxation concoction into her bath and sank down into the soothing warmth. Elphie being here made her feel a little better. She was no longer angry, but the hurt and other unpleasant emotions remained. She started to cry, releasing the intensity of the past few hours.
Elphie paced around mumbling, trying to sort through the past few hours. On one pass by the bathroom door she heard Glinda crying. She knew her well enough to know she cried for a variety of reasons, one of which was releasing stress and sorting through problems. She paced and mumbled, Glinda cried. And if it was one time they both needed to employ their coping mechanisms, it was now.
She continued to pace around, getting her thoughts in order. Now that she knew Glinda was willing to see this out, she was going to do everything she could to do the same.
"I need to make this right" Elphie mumbled and sat down on her bed.
Glinda finally emerged from the bathroom, nightdress on, damp hair up in a ponytail. She saw Elphie sitting on her bed with that far away look on her face.
"Elphaba" Glinda said gently, not really wanting to startle her.
"Elphaba!" She said more firmly, sitting across from her.
The green girl's eyes refocused and she trained her gaze on Glinda.
"Please forgive me." She said in a whisper. "I have no right to ask, and I know I do not deserve it. But please forgive me."
Glinda started to say something, but Elphie held up her hand and started pacing.
"All you ever wanted to do was love me, and I fought you, consciously or unconsciously every step of the way. You gave me things that I had never had, attention, affection, trust, loyalty, acceptance, friendship, and a family. All you did was love me, and I betrayed that."
She was still pacing, but not agitated. As sure as she was of the reasons she left, she was even more sure of why she needed to stay.
"You said you would not give me up without a fight. I did give you up without a fight, because I did not know how to fight. But I want to learn. I will do anything I have to earn back your trust, to prove to you that you are the most important thing in the world to me. I was wrong Glinda. Leaving you, what ever the reasons were, was wrong. I have to live with what I did to you for the rest of my life, but how ever long it takes, whatever I need to do, I will make it right."
She looked at Glinda who was sitting on the bed staring at her. Glinda had never her heard her talk like this about their relationship, or about anything for that matter. Elphie misread her silence as a rejection and panicked. She took Glinda by the hand and pulled her up, then intertwined their fingers. They both felt a flicker of the tingles they got when they did this.
"See Lyndie, It's still there, it's weak but not dead. Our chemistry, our magic, it's still there." She said in desperation.
"I know that Elphie. I never doubted it." She sat back down and motioned to Elphie to do the same.
"Quite frankly, I never thought you paid much attention to things like that. And I've never seen a fire in your eyes like that, or heard the passion in your voice like that, unless you were talking about school."
"I told you Glinda, need to show you, that you are important to me. Everything you said earlier was true, painfully true. Which makes me believe you do indeed deserve better, from me. And you are going to get it. I will earn back your trust, and your forgiveness."
"Elphaba, I will be able to forgive you for leaving me, I've tried to already, but my emotions, and the hurt are still raw and exposed. And I know it is the same for you."
Elphie nodded.
"And since we are both emotionally drained and exhausted and you've only had approximately 15 hours sleep in the past four days. I suggest we go to bed. We are in a more or less Ok place right now, but we still have a lot to work through, including that…whatever in your journal."
"I know."
Glinda pulled her into a hug and they held each other for a long time, said their goodnights and I love yous, then went to their separate beds.
"Glinda, may I ask one final question?"
"Of course."
"Why didn't you slap me when you first came in?"
"Because you wanted me to slap you." She stated simply "And by the way, I think my exact words were, I'll be damned if I'm giving up with out a fight. I've been reduced to vulgar language."
Elphie heard her chuckle softly and smiled. They were both sound asleep within minutes.
It was afternoon before either girl stirred, and the first one up was Glinda. Waking up with the fear that Elphie would be gone, she cautiously looked over. Her love was there, folded up into that odd position of hers.
"Well at least she slept soundly." Glinda said and got up.
As she dressed she went over the conversation they had last night in her head, and the things she had read in her journal. They had a lot of work ahead of them, but as her mother had told her, anything worth having is worth fighting for. While she waited for Elphie to awaken, she wrote her mother, so she wouldn't worry about them. She finished the letter, tidied up then went to drop the letter in today's post and grabbed a bite to take upstairs. When she returned, Elphie hadn't moved. She had been up for hours, and Elphie was still asleep. She sat to read Elphie's journal again, nibbling on a sandwich.
It was close to mid afternoon when Elphaba finally stirred. Glinda watched her as she slowly unfolded herself, still amazed at how she did it.
"Good afternoon Elphaba." Glinda said
Elphie stretched and blinked and tried to focus.
"Am I going to be late for class?" She got up stretching again.
Glinda laughed. "Not only have you already missed your class, but lunch as well. You were asleep for more than 16 hours."
She got up to get the glass of milk she had gotten for Elphie and handed it to her.
"You can not be serious, it's mid afternoon?" She said, accepting the milk
"I'm afraid I am. You were exhausted. I hear running away from home does that."
Elphie stopped drinking mid gulp.
"I'm sorry Elphaba, that was uncalled for."
"No. It's alright, neither of us expected this to work itself out overnight." She finished her milk.
"Thank you for this."
"You are welcome."
Elphie went to go get dressed, leaving the door partly open so they could talk.
"Was there anything in particular you would like to do today Glinda?" She asked
"I want to go see your library hiding place."
"Alright. Would you mind if I… I mean we went to see Mr. Kwenyo first. I don't want him to worry."
She came out buttoning her blouse. In a habitual move, Glinda went over and unbuttoned the top button. They both smiled.
"I wouldn't mind at all."
"Glinda, You read my journal, so I know you are aware that he figured out about us. He figured out you were in love with me."
"I am aware yes, and you are right, I don't care. Do you?"
"He is a Munchkinlander, As I'm sure you've surmised, relationships like ours are…"
"Not well tolerated, I've heard." She said a little bitterly. "But he did not seem to care."
"No he did not, but we shall see."
Glinda packed Elphie's book bag with the things she wanted to talk about at the library and they left for the apothecary shop. There was still some tension between them, but not enough to keep them from talking.
"Try and settle down Elphaba, I don't think you need to be so nervous." Seeing her love twitching and mumbling while they walked.
Elphie glared at her for reasons she didn't know, and stopped before they walked in the door.
"Glinda he asked me if I was ashamed of being in love with you. I am not."
"I know you're not, but you are a very private person. I know the difference. Now lets go say hi."
The shop was empty and the small apothecary came out from the back room, cleaning his glasses.
"Elphaba! Glinda! How wonderful."
"Hello Mr. Kwenyo." Glinda said, "We just wanted to drop by, so you wouldn't worry.
"So you have settled your differences?" He said in a fatherly tone.
"We are working on it." Elphaba said, barely able to meet his eye.
"And you went back to your dorm room, where you belong Elphaba?"
"Yesterday." Elphie said
"I'm glad to hear it." He smiled
"Mr. Kwenyo… about the other day and what…"
"Elphaba, look at me." The kindly man said sternly.
When he had her gaze, he softened his voice. " I know what you are going to say, and it doesn't matter to me. I have known you since you were small, and we have formed a wonderful friendship since you've been at Shiz. That friendship is very special to me. I want you to be happy and have a good life, an open, honest, happy life. As I stated I think Glinda here is the best thing that ever happened to you. And I stand by that still, whatever form your happiness takes. I care very much for you my dear, and I am incredibly fond of your feisty companion here. You both are welcome, separately and together, in my shop, and in my life. That is all I will say on the matter."
His voice was warm and sincere and his eyes supportive. Elphie was shocked, but Glinda wasn't.
The bell on the door tinkled as some customers entered. Glinda leaned in and kissed the wrinkled face gently.
"Thank you Mr. Kwenyo." She said.
Elphie followed suit, kissing the old man, with tears in her eyes.
"I told you Elphaba, I am not an intolerant man. You are what matters to me." He whispered.
"Thank you, I needed to hear that."
He smiled at her and shooed them out of the shop.
"Keep looking after her." He said to Glinda at the door.
"I'm trying Mr. K. but she doesn't make it easy." Glinda smiled
Elphaba glared while her two caretakers chuckled knowingly.
Elphie was quiet, but no longer agitated as they walked back towards campus.
"Elphaba, would you mind if we had dinner at Tyuron's, since we are here. I've only had a sandwich and you haven't eaten at all." Glinda said quietly
Elphie realized it was true. "Certainly."
She requested the same booth that she had been using as a study carrel during the week. Tyuron obliged with a smile.
"Finally, this booth will be used as it was meant to be. I'll be back with salads and drinks."
"What did he mean by that?" Glinda asked settling in.
"He told me dimly lit out of the way booths were for quiet intimate conversations, not studying. This is where I ate and spent hours studying this week, and I did the same when I first came to Shiz."
"I see." Glinda said.
"Here you are ladies. And welcome back Glinda. No offense, but Elphaba here is much less dour when you are with her. We were beginning to worry about her. She hadn't done that eat and study for hours thing for a long time."
"I'm glad I'm back too. I've missed Uliko's desserts." She smiled
"Then a special one will be yours. But first your dinner, Elphaba, would you like your favorite, Uliko just made some."
"Sounds good" Elphie smiled
"For me too" Glinda chimed in and the man left.
"You don't even know what I ordered." Elphaba said
"Doesn't matter, this I can trust." She smiled sadly.
They ate their salads in silence until Tyuron brought out their food.
"Fresh vegetable stew and warm bread, that should fix up whatever is ailing you two." He said with a smile, then left.
"Elphaba." Glinda said after eating some stew "How are you handling what Mr. Kwenyo said."
"I was honestly shocked. But I don't know what I expected. The acceptance from some who knew me PG, feels good."
"PG?" Glinda said confused
"Pre-Glinda" Elphie smiled.
Glinda smiled as well. And giggled when the special dessert was brought out
Fig whip! Yummy." She wiggled.
Elphie watched her giggling and wiggling and wondered how she could have left her. How she could live without her.
Glinda ate her dessert and most of Elphie's.
"Thank you Elphie, we needed this, a little return to something familiar. A reminder of what we are fighting for." Glinda said
"I don't need a reminder, not anymore." Elphie smiled.