Chapter 21: Gotta Get Through This

Stacey

January 1

It's New Years Day. Here's my list of resolutions:

Don't let Teddy know that the rumors hurt my feelings

Make-over. No more Anastasia, only Stacey from now on

Start over with Stoneybrook friends

I suppose I could've made quite a long list of resolutions, but I didn't feel like. I knew in my head what I had to do and I didn't need to write it out.

Most importantly, I had to get over Teddy, what he had done to me, and what he was still doing to me. I never got up the courage to tell anyone besides Alison and James what had happened. So, with my silence, Teddy immediately began to fire back at me by making me out to be the craziest, most unstable girl at Yale. The people I thought to be my friends suddenly weren't and the only two people I had left to fall back on were Alison and James, my RA.

The rumors started the day after Teddy had decided to "punish" me for not being a "good" girlfriend. Instead of the horrible things he had done to me, it was suddenly the horrible things that I had been doing to him.

From everything I had been able to piece together, Teddy was accusing me of sleeping around, being demanding and high maintenance, and of trying to control our relationship completely. He had caught me in bed with two guys and one girl and had forgiven me of each of those incidents because he hoped that I would stop. He told everyone about how I had slapped and clawed at him whenever he suggested doing something I didn't want to do or not agreeing with me. He also said that I had tried to micromanagement his life by calling constantly to see where he was and what he was doing. The girl he had painted was a nasty, self-centered, evil little bitch.

And, that girl was me. Or, at least, what he was trying to have everyone believe to be me.

When I finally had the nerve to tell Claudia about it, she had been completely outraged and had tried to get his phone number from me. She wanted to call him and "tear him a new one," but I knew that not only would Teddy just laugh in her face, but would use it to make me look even worse. I knew I had to stop worrying about what he was saying, but it was difficult knowing that everyone hated me for being such a monster to the cutest, sexiest guy on campus.

I didn't tell my parents about any of it. They didn't need to know. Not yet, at least. Mom would break down into tears and would make me stay at home for this spring semester to protect me. I couldn't do that. I also knew that Dad would've completely freaked out and called everyone he could at Yale to tell them what Teddy was doing to me.

I just couldn't get them involved right now.

I closed my journal and tucked it under my pillow. My bed was still unmade, but I wasn't worried. Ever since I left for college, whenever I came home, Mom insisted on cleaning up my room for me like I was 5 again. Maybe it made her feel better, but at least I didn't have to make my bed when I was at home.

I left the house, after assuring Mom I'd be care and safe, and went over to Claudia's. We had some major shopping to do.

21

"What do you guys think we ought to get?" Claudia asked.

I was in the front seat next to her while Mary Anne, Kristy, and Mallory were wedged into the back. We'd invited Abby, Anna, and Dawn, but they had all said no. Jessi was still not in good enough shape to go out shopping, although we each promised to get her something special since she couldn't come with us. She had looked a little bummed about staying at home, but looked a lot happier than I had seen her in months. Kristy said she had suddenly improved on Christmas, when they found out that Becca had woken from her coma.

Mallory cleared her voice in the backseat. "I need some new jeans. I lost a lot of weight and now all of my jeans are too loose."

Mallory had just come out of a 6 week stay in the hospital. She didn't want to go into the details, but from what she told us, I figured it had something to do with all of the stress surrounding the accident Jessi was in. Mallory, too, seemed a lot happier and more interested in things than she had before, which was great. I hated seeing any of my friends looking down or miserable, especially since I was only inches from feeling miserable myself.

"I need bigger jeans," Kristy piped up. "I'm getting fatter every single day."

"You are not," Mary Anne and Mallory groaned.

Kristy had gradually told everyone her news- that she was pregnant- and had been happily surprised when everyone told her how much they were going to support her. I had also noticed a new closeness between Kristy and Jessi.

"I eat like a horse, ergo I need new jeans."

"I have to buy a new blouse," Claudia said before the rest of us could yell at Kristy about her constant insistence that she was too fat. "I also need a new skirt. I want to start interviewing for a better job this spring."

"I could use some new boots," Mary Anne said. "And something special for Jeff."

Everyone in the car burst into nervous laughter. Jeff was Mary Anne's extremely new boyfriend. They had been on three dates already since she came home for Christmas and were already a hot and heavy item. I couldn't believe how fast they were going and I don't think anyone else could, either, but since Dawn had warned us not to say anything, we didn't.

"Well," I said. "I want to buy a whole new wardrobe."

"Yes, yes," Mallory groaned. "We know you're Dad's loaded, Stace."

I laughed. "I'll treat everyone to new sweaters if you're nice."

"God, Stacey," Mary Anne said quietly. "You are looking gorgeous today. If I weren't straight… gosh."

"Mary Anne!" Kristy yelled and the two of them began to argue. Mallory chimed in every so often, too.

Claudia glanced at me. "Well, at least nobody is clawing anyone's eyes out."

"Yet," Mallory groaned.

I laughed. It was so good to be back where I belonged.

21

"Mallory?"

"Yeah?"

"Come here."

There was a thump against the wall next to my dressing room. It sounded like Mallory had just fallen against it.

"Stace, I'm not really dressed."

"OK, well, let me come into your room for a minute."

She groaned loudly, but opened the door enough so that I could slip into the changing booth with her. Mallory was struggling to pull up a pair of jeans while trying to keep herself mostly covered.

"Mallory, you don't have to cover yourself up like that. I'm not going to jump you," I laughed. She frowned.

"Yeah, yeah. That's why you came into my dressing booth while I'm half-naked, right?"

"Sick!" Kristy shouted and I heard Mary Anne sigh. "Could you guys stop being lesbians for, like, five minutes please?"

"Kristy's jealous because she isn't getting any," Claudia tossed back.

Mallory and I glanced at one another then burst into laughter. Kristy made a disgusted noise and began to grumble under her breath. I stepped back from Mallory and held out my arms and spun in a slow circle. Mallory only raised an eyebrow when I was facing her again.

"What do you think?" I asked.

"Was the spin necessary?" she countered. I put my hands on my hips.

"Completely necessary. Just tell me how hot I look and I'll get out of your booth."

Mallory sighed and looked me up and down. "I don't know."

"About what?"

"Those pants."

I liked these pants. They were tight in all the right places and slid down just a little when I sat down to make them even naughtier. Oh.

"Point taken," I mumbled. "Well, what about the top?"

It was a blue button down shirt with silver threads running through it. It fit textbook perfect. Mallory nodded.

"It's cute."

I shook my head. "Aren't you supposed to be the writer?"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I mean, don't you have something more creative to say than it's nice."

Mallory shrugged. "It's a nice looking shirt, Stacey. I'm a writer- not a fashion designer." She cupped her hands around her mouth. "Claudia?"

"What?"
"We're having a fashion crisis!"

I groaned and slipped out of her dressing room. "Thanks, Mal."

"No problem!"

Claudia poked her head out of her own dressing room, looked me over, then shook her head.

"Stacey, honey, that does not work. The pants make you look like a whore and the shirt… well, let's just say, I swear I've seen second grade teachers wearing things like that."

"I liked it, Stacey!" Mallory shouted.

"God, you people are impossible."

With that, I returned to my dressing room and looked down at the piles of clothing. I was going to need some serious help revamping my wardrobe because, like it or not, I just wasn't sure how "normal" college girls dressed. I wished Abby had agreed to come along. At least she seemed to have encompassed the whole college girl clothing area. I sighed.

It was back to the drawing board.

21

I returned home that night laden with plastic shopping bags. Mom's eyes bulged when she say me stagger into the house.

"Good Lord, Stacey," she gasped. "How much money did you spend?"

I laughed. "Dad let me spend as much as I liked this time. He said it was my Christmas present this year."

"Again, how much?" Mom asked. I showed her the receipts and she shook her head. "I can't believe how he's spoiling you. I'm going to go call him."

I didn't stop her. Times like these, Mom definitely did not listen to reason. Besides, if they wanted to fight about how much money Dad gave me to spend on clothes, that was his business. If Mom wanted to argue about it, that was her decision. It wasn't like he was going to change his mind.

I lugged my things upstairs and began to sort through them. Everything I had bought, I bought it in mind of the fact that I was going to be a new, improved, better girl this semester. No more snotty, elitist Anastasia. Just Stacey.

I had purchased seven new pairs of jeans at Old Navy. The ones I had bought at the beginning of the school year were tight, flashy, and expensive. These ones were looser, more comfortable, and reasonably priced. Something a normal girl would wear.

I had also purchased a ton of new tops. Most of them were solid colored long sleeved shirts at Old Navy since they were plain, simple, and could be mixed and matched tons of other things. I bought a couple new blouses at H&M as well as some new jackets and sweaters at numerous boutiques around the mall.

Instead of the heels I had been wearing all fall semester, I had invested in two new pairs of jogging sneakers, a pair of green and pink high tops, several pairs of ballet flats, as well as an assortment of various boots and low heeled shoes. Everything was sensible and cheap.

I also invested in some inexpensive jewelry which I found and actually liked at a thrift store as well as some new scarves and other winter clothes.

Everything was as it should be. My clothes were simply, sensible, but cute. I was going to go back to hitting the books this semester, but back to having fun and not trying so hard to make sure everyone loved, respected, or feared me. It was going to be such a relief not to have to keep this ridiculous charade up any longer.

My cell phone began to ring and I answered it without checking to see who it was first.

"Hello?"

"Anastasia?"

My mouth went dry and I almost dropped the phone. Teddy.

"You're not supposed to be calling me," I managed to say after a minute. He laughed uncomfortably.

"Come on, honey," he said, his voice smooth and sweet again. I sat down on my bed. "I just want to talk with you."

"There's nothing to say," I told him. "You know that."

"I'd like to just pick up where we left off," he said as though he hadn't heard a word I had said. I shook my head. "We were so good together. You can't say you don't miss me."

"I don't," I said quietly. "And, where we left off? Do you mean when you were trying to beat the crap out of me?"

"Honey, honestly, that wasn't me," he said. "I got angry. I never normally act like that. You just got me so upset."

"And, the next time? Are you going to break my arm or smash my face the next time?" I asked. Even though he wasn't near me, my heart was racing. I could feel tears stinging in my eyes and it was all I could to keep my voice steady. "Thanks, but that's all right. I'll pass."

"Honey, we both know what a mistake this is," he said soothingly. "Think now. Do you think you're ever going to find someone who will want you again?"

"What are you talking about?" I demanded.

"The diabetes, sweetheart. I still love you, but some other guys won't be too cool with it. I mean, you have to stab yourself with a needle. Do you think that's sexy?"

Stay calm, I told myself. This is everything the counselor said he might try. I am sexy. I don't need him.

"I don't think it's your problem," I replied.

"Babe, you're never going to find anyone as good as me," he laughed. "Let's just get this over with, OK? I'm sorry I got you so upset."

"You punched and kicked me!" I screamed suddenly. So much for staying calm. "You're a complete bastard! I never want to talk to you again!"

"You'll come around to your senses," he said, his voice tight with tension. "Then you'll realize what a huge mistake you're making."

"Call me again and I'll call the police!"

We both knew I couldn't really do that, but it stopped him for a moment. Finally, he cleared his throat.

"You don't want me to make your life miserable at school," he said cryptically.

"You stay away from me."

"I'm going to ruin you, honey, unless you just chill out and apologize."

"Fuck you," I hissed into the phone and hung up.

My entire body was shaking. I let go of the phone and it clattered to the floor. I tried to get up and my knees buckled. I fell on the floor, by my phone, and started to sob. It took me a few minutes to realize that someone was by my side, holding onto me. I looked over to see my mother smoothing my hair from my face.

"Mom, I'm fine," I said through my tears.

"Bullshit, Stacey. I'm calling your father."

21

After a lot of discussion, Dad finally called the police department at school and explained the situation to them. They agreed to put a full restraining order on Teddy until we could both present our separate sides of the issue. I tried to tell Dad that nobody was going to believe me, that Teddy was just going to have his Dad pay off anyone who he could.

"Stacey, this isn't going to happen to you," he told me sternly. I stopped crying at the force of his voice. "If you think I'm just going to stand by while some idiot thinks he can threaten my little girl, you're very much mistaken."

"Dad… I just don't know."

"Your mom and I agreed that we're going to make sure this wackjob never so much as looks at you again. We love you and there isn't anyone who's going to threaten you without having me on their case."

"Dad, you're so stubborn!" I protested. "Why won't you just let it go?"

"Sorry, Stace. I love you too much. Why don't you put your mom back on the phone?"

I did and sat back while my parents talked. Civilly. It was the first time in years I had heard them be so calm and agreeable with one another. This must really be more of a big deal than I had thought. I felt my stomach twist around at the thought.

When Mom finally hung up, she took my hand and led me into her bedroom.

"What's going on?" I asked dully.

"Stacey, you're spending the night in here."

I groaned. "You're overreacting! You both are!"

"So, just humor me for tonight, OK?"

I climbed into bed and gradually managed to doze off.

21

"Be a good girl, Anastasia!"

His foot connected with my stomach and I tried to curl into a ball to protect myself. I screamed. "Stop it! You're hurting me!"

Teddy just laughed and laughed. His foot kept connecting with my ribs, my shoulders, my arms, my legs. I heard them snap, one by one. I couldn't breath, I couldn't think.

"Be good and I won't have to punish you!"

I spat blood onto the floor. "You're going to kill me!"

"You have to be punished." He squatted down in front of me and tilted my chin up to claim a kiss from my mouth. I started to gag when I saw my blood on his lips. "I wish I didn't have to, honey. You've been a bad girl."

I screamed until my throat was raw and my lungs couldn't pull in any more air. I was dying. I was dying and he was going to be the one to kill me!

21

"Stacey, honey, calm down," I heard a voice whisper soothingly. My eyes snapped open. "Good, honey. Take some deep breaths."

I obeyed. My mother slid away from me for a moment and returned with a cold, wet washcloth and began to sponge my forehead. I started to cry softly.

"Mom, this is too much."

"I know, baby, but all you need to do right now is calm down. That's all you need to do."

I did and after nearly an hour, managed to fall back to sleep. The rest of the night was spent with horrifying nightmares and hours of comforting from my mother. When I woke around 6 am, I heard my mother on the phone, calling in sick for the day. I wanted to cry. I was ruining everyone else's lives with my stupid problems. Mom saw my face and sat down.

"You owe me," she said.

I blinked in confusion. "What?"

"Well, if I have to stay home today, I expect to hear all about those clothes you bought. You didn't even model them for me."

I began to laugh. I loved my mom. She always knew just what to say to keep me from teetering over the edge.