21. "Get mine, get yours" (song by Christina Aguilera) Faith, BTVS
She didn't do it for love. She didn't want it, didn't need it, didn't' understand it… she wasn't' sure she was even capable of giving or receiving love, of doing anything but screwing it up for other people. Faith and all the things she did… all the people she was with… it was never about love.
It was about power and control, satisfaction and gratification. It was about need and hunger and desire. It was about anger and distraction, seduction and fear, excitement and adrenaline. It was about sex. She got hers, they got theirs, and that was it, that was the end. No turning back, no further thought about it. No guilt, no fear, no shame…only total pleasure and enjoyment.
Faith knew this well, and tried to make it totally clear to everyone that this was the way it had to be. Sex for her was not and never would be anything but a way to scratch an itch.
It wasn't about love.
Then why did she find herself staring at the wall when they were gone, scrubbing herself in the shower afterward until she was raw? Why did she dream of faceless, nameless things attacking her and wake up looking for someone near to reassure her, when she knew no one was there? Why did she always feel so entirely alone after being as close to another human as was possible to get?