Craziness is coming!
To: Cao Cao
What the fuck…where did you get it anyway?! And besides, this is winter. OF COURSE, there'll be blizzard. That, or maybe you're the reason Li Zhen even created this blizzard at the first place. So yes, the Heavens clearly don't approve of you wearing this fucking thing.
Jia Xu
To: Cao Cao
after seeing the photo on Instagram
Okay, you know what, fuck you. Now, don't expect me to come out of my room sooner or later because you've just molten my fucking eyes.
Jia Xu
To: Zhenji
I'm sorry, but I can't come out now because of that picture your father-in-law posted on Instagram. No, I'm not asking you to see it. Just…ask him about it. Don't end up like me or the others.
Jia Xu
To: Zhenji
Well, but anyway, I DID hear about this whole K-pop thing, from those girls at Shu if I'm not mistaken. Essentially, it's a genre of music where a bunch of pretty boys in silly costumes do some sillier dance to some really peppy and ear-deafening music. Doesn't matter if they can actually SING or not, they ALWAYS have their fangirls. Wait a minute…
Jia Xu
To: Zhenji
….alright. Guess I know the solution. Wait just a minute.
Jia Xu
To: Zhenji
Oh my god. So you're not safe either. Okay, just wait, really.
Jia Xu
To: Zhao Yun, Liu Bei, Ma Chao, Jiang Wei, Guan Ping, Liu Shan, Ma Dai, Guan Suo, Xu Shu, Guan Xing, Zhang Bao, Fa Zheng, Zhou Yu, Lu Xun, Gan Ning, Ling Tong, Zhu Ran, Zhang He, Cao Pi, Guo Jia, Yue Jin, Li Dian, Xun Yu, Sima Yi, Sima Shi, Sima Zhao, Zhong Hui, Xiahou Ba, Jia Chong, and Wen Yang.
Okay you guys, listen up. We're getting a bit of a company here, in the form of these Korean boybands who will conquer the entire China with K-pop. So far, almost all of the girls (and some boys, probably some of you) have been conquered with their FABULOUS looks and dance, and if this goes on then they'll take over the entire China. Now, only you guys can possibly save us. I mean, look at you! THIS is the true purpose of Koei turning you into pretty boys and making lots of fangirls flock to you at the first place! THIS is the time you'll put those 'fangirl-bait' faces to good use and save China! After all, this is also your chance to prove that YOU are all far, FAR prettier than them! After you've read this please come immediately to the Wei palace.
P.S.: For Liu Bei, being old isn't an excuse because your looks are all that matter.
P.P.S.: This is a dance battle, so don't bring your weapons.
P.P.P.S.: No, I am NOT participating as well.
Jia Xu
To: Diaochan
Hey, you haven't been brainwashed by those K-pop boys, have you?!
Jia Xu
To: Diaochan
Oh, really? That's a miracle. But anyway, I need you to come to the Wei palace, now!
Jia Xu
To: Diaochan
Here, we need something to combat those K-pop boys. The best way is just to use OUR pretty boys, of course! And I need you to teach them how to dance!
Jia Xu
To: Cai Wenji and Zhenji
Hey, okay, it's me again. So, I need you two to come to the Wei palace immediately.
Jia Xu
To: Cai Wenji and Zhenji
Because I need your music to help us to combat those K-pop boys! Just hurry up!
Jia Xu
2 hours later, everyone have already gathered at the Wei palace, as Jia Xu has told them to.
Jia Xu: Alright you guys, now that we're already here, we're going to challenge those K-pop boys to a dance battle!
Jiang Wei: Um, but how? We can't dance.
Jia Xu: Which is why I've already prepared Diaochan here to teach you all how to dance.
Zhang He: Wha?! Then how about me?! I can teach them how to dance BEAUTIFULLY as well!
Jia Xu: Err…right. If you wanna help, then I'll be grateful.
Sima Zhao: But, how about the music?
Jia Xu: Cai Wenji and Zhenji here will help.
Zhu Ran: Ooh! Ooh! If you want, I could do the stage effects-
Jia Xu: NO, Zhu Ran. We do NOT need your fire here.
Zhu Ran: Aww…..
Jia Xu: Okay, but anyway! First of all, we need to change those costume of yours-
Lu Xun: Eh? What's wrong with it? I think all that we wear here are fine.
Ling Tong: Yeah, we already look very colorful and stylish. I don't think there's any need to change.
Jia Xu: I know, but they just don't look quite well when you dance on the stage later! We need someone to design the new clothes! Hmm….oh yes! Right! Fa Zheng! You do the tailoring for the costumes!
Fa Zheng: What the hell?! Why me?!
Jia Xu: C'mon! You literally carry around that cloth everywhere you go! You use it to SMACK people around! I'm sure you can use it to create costumes for everyone here!
Fa Zheng: Oh my god- Sigh…fine. But I WILL make you pay for this.
Jia Xu: Oh yeah. I WILL pay you for the money you use. Don't worry. Okay, after all is said and done, you all can begin your training under Diaochan, Zhang He, Cai Wenji and Zhenji. Remember, we don't have much time!
Zhao Yun: Huh? Then what will YOU do, then?
Jia Xu: Well, I'll simply return to my home and sit on my ass for a couple more hours until your training's done.
Ma Chao: What the?! This is injustice! You too, should join us!
Zhou Yu: Yeah! You brought us here, so you should be our leader in the battle against those boybands, too!
Jia Xu: What! Okay, first of all, just shove that justice bullshit up your ass, Ma Chao. Second, if I come with you, then we will practically have no chance! Do I look like your typical boyband member, huh?!
Guo Jia: Hahahaha! Come on now, Jia Xu, I KNOW that you're merely jealous at us for not being able to garner as much fangirls later.
Jia Xu: Sigh…look, I do this for the sake of our country, okay! I do NOT give a single slightest fuck about fangirls! As if having ONE crazy ass bitch right here isn't bad enough….
Suddenly a tiny teenager girl appeared on Jia Xu's shoulder and spoke with the Author's voice.
Mini-Author: Yay! I love you so much, Great Master Jia Xu! Ooh, your hair's so soft and fluffy! I wanna sleep on it! You're the greatest! Yay! continues fangirling over Jia Xu
Everyone else: sweatdrop
Jia Xu: …yeah, you get the idea. And I DEFINITELY do NOT want have MULTIPLE of this all around my body, so GET THE FUCK TO WORK ALREADY!
Everyone else: Whoa! Okay! Okay!
And so when the pretty boys went into intense training to face the boybands, Jia Xu went home.
Jia Xu: Okay! Now that they can go train by themselves, I guess I can- hears an ear-splitting speaker sound from outside FUCK! THE HELL WAS THAT?! looks outside Oh my god…those boybands! They're preparing for a concert! And….everybody except for the ones I prepared to battle them have already flocked to those boybands! Well shit, this is bad! Tch, I hope our pretty boys could make it in time…
To: Diaochan
What? Hey, why?
Jia Xu
To: Diaochan
…..oh. Pffffttttttttttt.
Jia Xu
To: Diaochan
Hahahahahahahahaha. No, really. If I were there then I too, can't help but to stare at those things. Let alone those immature boys!
Jia Xu
To: Diaochan
No, I'm honest here! It's your fault for 'dressing' like that at the first place! Go dress in something more appropriate, for once! After that, you can continue the training.
Jia Xu
To: Fa Zheng
Oh? So you've made the costume? That's great. Could you send the picture?
Jia Xu
To: Fa Zheng
attached is the picture of the costumes
Err…..okaaaaayyyyyy. It actually looks so ridiculous I can't even express it with words, but ah hell. We NEED to be more ridiculous than them to win! So fix!
Jia Xu
To: Cai Wenji
What do you mean?
Jia Xu
To: Cai Wenji
Well…I don't know, maybe ask Yueying? She can provide you with the necessary equipment.
Jia Xu
To: Cai Wenji
Oh? You've already got it? Then let me hear it.
Jia Xu
After that, Cai Wenji sent Jia Xu an mp3 of her and Zhenji's music being synthesized using Yueying's synthesizer. The result was so incredible that it pushed Jia Xu onto the back of his room.
To: Cai Wenji
…..wow. Okay, the louder the better, so use it!
Jia Xu
2 hours later
To: Diaochan
Oh really? The training's finished?
Jia Xu
To: Diaochan
Ah, good, very good! Now we just need to march to battle those boybands and show which pretty boys are better!
Jia Xu
After that, Jia Xu went to the Wei palace to see how his own Chinese boyband has become. The newly-formed boyband showed the results of their 2-hour (?!) training, and Jia Xu was immensely impressed.
Jia Xu: Ahaha! This is truly magnificent indeed! Now, we need a name for this new boyband! Let's see…hmmm….
Wen Yang: Oh! Oh! I know! How about-
Jia Xu: Ah, yes! Exactly! We shall name it, "DWXSTARS"!
Wen Yang: ….I haven't even told you what my suggestion is.
Jia Xu: Eh, what?
Wen Yang: Oh, forget it.
Jia Xu: Okay! Now, we shall show those fucking sissies who's boss! Let's march on, boys! walks away
Guo Jia: whispering Psstt, is it now the time?
Xun Yu: It is. walks towards Jia Xu
Jia Xu: Hm? Xun Yu, what is it- gets knocked out
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And finally, DWXSTARS marched on to the front of the Wei capital, where the rival boybands have prepared for their big concerts. However, the newly formed boyband DWXSTAR barged out of the Wei palace to challenge them.
Zhao Yun: Alright, you invaders! You may have brainwashed our females, but we're STILL the prettier boys! So, let's make a dance battle! Whoever garners the most fangirls wins!
K-pop Boybands: Hah! You all have been dead for more than 1700 and would dare to take us on! Very well!
And so the two boybands began a dance battle, and both sides managed garner equal amounts of fangirls. The battle is getting intense. However, the K-pop boybands managed to garner more amount of fangirls, thus putting DWXSTAR in a bad position.
Zhao Yun: Shit! They've already attracted most of our fangirls! What should we do now?!
Xun Yu: Hmm…so the time has come, indeed.
Ma Chao: What do you mean?
Guo Jia: Look, you see, we've anticipated in case this happened…
Xun Yu: So we've made a 'special weapon'.
Jiang Wei: Special weapon? What is it?
Guo Jia: But still, Xun Yu, don't you think it's a bit too early?
Xun Yu: We have no choice! Still…unleash 'Subject 891'!
So the 'Subject 891' was unleashed…and the result?
Fangirls: Yay! Yay! Ah, what's that bright light from behind- turns around, gets nosebleed AAAAAHHHHHHHH! run towards DWXTARS's side
Subject 891: Gaaahh…what…what the hell happen- ….what! What…the….FUCK?!
Xun Yu: Hahaha! Told ya it would work!
Zhao Yun: Wow…damn…he garnered more fangirls IN A SECOND than we did in A FUCKING HOUR.
Ma Chao: I know! This is injustice!
Guo Jia: Now quit that crap! Now, now, then… the interesting part is about to begin soon.
Zhao Yun: What?
In the background, you can hear the loudest scream out of the fangirls.
?: YAAAAYYYYYYY! THAT'S MY HUBBIE! MY HUBBIE JIA XU! YAYYYYY! GO GO GO!
Everyone else: jawdrop
Zhao Yun: What. The. HELL?!
Okay, wanna know what happened? We have to backtrack several hours back…
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Guo Jia: Xun Yu, what are we gonna do with him?
Xun Yu: Something. Trust me.
Guo Jia: But you haven't told me your plan yet!
Xun Yu: Fengxiao, trust me. What I'm gonna do will ensure our victory against those goddamn boybands. puts out a bunch of photos
Guo Jia: What's that?
Xun Yu: Oh, just a bunch of photos of Wenhe's youth days. Ohohohooo…I mean, just look at this.
Guo Jia: Hot damn!
Xun Yu: See? Here, how about another one?
Guo Jia: Whoa whoa whoa whoa! Holy shit! I…I never thought he was such a pimp! Basically me, but much more successful.
Xun Yu: Hahaha…see? It's pretty clear that Jia Xu used to be quite a chick magnet in his youth, with his FABULOUS looks and all…hell, even until now you can still feel the vibe, ain't it?
Guo Jia: Uhh…what are you implying?
Xun Yu: Oh, nothing really. So! What we REALLY have to do is to use it to win this battle!
Guo Jia: By how?
Xun Yu: Oh come on, how the hell can you not know! Here, I have this one age-reversing potion, and we can use it on him to get him into his 21-year-old self and steal all of those fangirls in an instant!
Guo Jia: You serious?!
Xun Yu: Uh-huh!
Guo Jia: B-but…it's WAY too overpowered! What I advise is, we only use him when it's really, really, REALLY fucking urgent.
Xun Yu: Ah! Good point. Okay then, now I shall pour this potion and- BOOM!
Guo Jia: WHOA! …so, how is it?
Xun Yu: Mmm, let's see…GASP! No, NO! THIS CANNOT BE! His…his bishie sparkles are too strong for our eyes! I'm going blind! AAAAHHHH!
Guo Jia: T-tch! Put him in the bag, quickly!
Xun Yu: Argh! Huff…okay, now that it's all said and done, we will march onto the battlefield now to combat those boybands! Let's go!
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Young!Jia Xu: S-seriously! The fuck's going on here?! I…I thought I'm not participating in this?! And….the fangirls are flocking on me?! What the hell?!
Zhao Yun: AAAHHH! Jia Xu! You're our hero!
Everyone else: Yeah!
Young!Jia Xu: Whoawhoawhoawhoa wait a minute the hell do you mean- AH! Shit! These fangirls are crowding me! Save me!
Xun Yu: Whoops, I'm afraid we can't do that.
Guo Jia: Yeah, after all, this is your first chance in several decades to have this again, ain't it?
Young!Jia Xu: What the- What do you mean?! Argh! Get off me!
Xun Yu: Hohoho…those photos.
Young!Jia Xu: The fuck?! How, HOW COULD'VE YOU GAINED IT?!
Xun Yu: Ohohohoo…well, it's the best to skip out the details.
Guo Jia: But still, I too, want some fangirls to crowd me! Come on! I'm the real deal here!
Zhao Yun: To think that our victory and fangirls would be accredited to some asshole-antisocial old guy….
Wen Yang: Hahaha, but you see, at least we won't suffer THAT! We already have some of that on a daily basis, anyway!
Zhao Yun: Good point.
However, in the middle of the fangirl-riot, one can see a rising flaming aura behind that knocks the entire fangirl squadron down.
Young!Jia Xu: What the?!
?: Grrr…you….YOU….DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH MY HUBBIE!
Young!Jia Xu: AAAHHHH! IT'S HER!
Everyone else: SHIT! runs away
?: KYAAAAA! COME HERE!
Young!Jia Xu: AAAHHHHH! GUYS, SAVE ME!
Guo Jia: Ah! Jia Xu, we're sorry…..
Xun Yu: ….but we can't.
Young!Jia Xu: But why?! Come on, you have no fucking idea how terrifying she is! Please!
Guo Jia: But it's the will of the Author Herself….
Xun Yu: ….and we shall not disobey her. puts off his hat and places it in front of his chest
Author: KYAAAAAA! YOU'RE MINE!
Young!Jia Xu: AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!
Yeah, that's practically my entire fangirl wet-dream, but I don't fucking care. Anyways, leave a review and have a good day! Also, the 20th chapter! Yay!