They barely sleep that night. But Dean doesn't regret that for a second, because they finally took the time to talk through a lot of things. The reason for Dean's reaction (or rather not-reaction), what they both expect from this relationship, what they want and what they are able to give. It's exhausting and painful to lay so much of himself out in the open, but if this has any chance of working, they need to build it on trust.
And then finally they talk about what might have happened to Cas, Dean shares his suspicions and Cas listens, a frown creasing his forehead, and he takes everything in stride, like it's not really a revelation to him. And maybe it isn't, because Cas isn't stupid and the signs have been there all along.
Dean isn't used to talking so openly, and it costs him a lot of effort, but he's rewarded, because with every passing minute, with every topic they clear, Cas grows more relaxed, leaning closer into Dean, even smiling in that way of his, that isn't really a smile but just a slight twitch of his lips combined with a warm glimmer in his eyes.
And then they talk about what they're going to do, because whatever Brady fixed was only temporary, and it didn't hold against whatever it was that surfaced earlier and as much risk as there might be to it, Cas decides that he wants to take the chance. If he at least knows what happened to him, they can try and fight it - together. And that's what they're going to do.
They're going to find a solution to this, it's what they do. And Dean won't leave Cas, no matter what this might unearth. If it were Sam, that's exactly what he would say to him. No matter how far Dean has to go, or what other favors he might have to call, or even if he has to get his hands dirty again. And that is a scary thought right there, because he has sworn to himself to never do that again, but when it comes to Cas, he has not a doubt in his mind that he would break that vow.
Oh.
There's no doubt left that he's fallen hard for Cas. And that thought doesn't scare him nearly as much as it should.
But that's alright, because Dean is sure by now that Cas feels something similar, if not the same, and for Dean, that's enough. This is his first attempt at a serious relationship since forever and he can't really say that he has much experience to draw from, but this makes him happier than he has been in a long time, and he's willing to work with that.
Winchesters are stubborn sons of bitches.
So maybe everything will be fine after all.
Sam immediately smells that something's up. Dean would have preferred to stay in bed a while longer, maybe to catch up on some sleep (unlike Cas he really needs his four hours), but their rest gets rudely interrupted by Sam banging on the door. Something's wrong with the water boiler, and since Bobby is not home, Dean is the default mechanic for everything.
Dean values his hot showers, so he gets up to take a look, feeling like a horse just ran him over and probably looking the way too, but Cas is smiling again so the all-nighter was definitely worth it. He doesn't miss however, the inquisitive look Sam shoots him and how his eyebrows draw together in thought as he takes in their appearances. He can almost hear the clicking of the cogwheels turning in Sam's overgrown head as he pieces together the little details. He's probably heard a bit of their action last night, and the look on Cas' face isn't exactly what one would call worry-free. Sam is good at picking up details. Should have become a lawyer or something.
And there's going to be another talk, because Dean can already tell that Sam is worried and that he hasn't forgotten Cas' 'situation', and he really needs some caffeine in his system before yet another emotional wrenching conversation. It's a good way to start anyway; they're going to need both Sam and Jess there for support in case something goes wrong. Which Dean really doesn't want to think about. Jess can watch over Cas' status though. That's a good thing.
This whole thing makes Dean nervous, or maybe it's the sleep deprivation and the remnants of the tension from last night.
The boiler needs to be decalcified, which doesn't really come as a surprise, seeing that no one has done that for like five years or something, but that will take a while and Dean needs coffee first. And Cas has priority, he won't waste time on the stupid boiler while Cas does his memory backup thing. Nice morning shower be damned. Sam's not pleased but he for all Dean care right now, Sam can suck on a lemon. It's not his fault that no one bothered to keep track of the stupid out of date boiler.
Who even has boilers these days?
Jess is in the kitchen and Dean goes straight for the - thankfully - filled coffee pot, pouring himself a cup before he flops down on a chair. Cas is already at the table, looking tired, even though he technically doesn't need sleep and Sam is at the counter glaring daggers at Dean.
"We're going to do it." He finally says, because he can't stand the silence and Jess' awkward attempts at appearing invisible as she tries to gauge the tension between the two brothers. Cas must have noticed something too, because he looks at Sam like he's the hardest puzzle he's ever seen.
"Doing what?" Awesome bitch face right there. Probably an eight.
"Get Cas' memory cleared up." Okay double up on the bitch face. Dean didn't think that was possible. (So does that make it a sixteen now?)
"Dean." Sam says, a long suffering tone in his voice that he has perfected over the years. "Do you think this is a good idea?"
"Yes Sam, as a matter of fact I do."
"Dean, can I talk to you for a second?"
"Aren't we talking right now?" Dean knows that Sam's asking for a private conversation, but Dean is purposefully obnoxious. Sam only gives him (yet another) bitch face in response and looks pointedly to the door into the living room. "Okay, fine. Don't break your pretty face."
"Dean, what the hell are you thinking?" Sam starts the moment the door closes behind them. "And what did you do to Cas?"
"Why do you think I've done something to Cas?" Dean immediately goes into the defensive, but Sam gives him one of his don't-bullshit-me faces (a distant cousin of the bitch-face) and he knows better than to try and deflect that. "It wasn't on purpose okay. We had some intimate contact and I kind of freaked out and then Cas freaked out and we talked about it. So it's fine now."
"You had sex with him?" Sam's voice is almost loud enough to be heard in the kitchen and Dean quickly gestures for him to be quieter.
"No I hadn't, not exactly. And since when do you care anyway?" Usually Sam is adamant on not getting to know any details of Dean's sex life.
"I care because you could have hurt Cas."
"Are you fucking kidding me?" Now it's Dean who raises his voice, but he just can't believe what Sam is saying. "I would never hurt Cas. What do you think I am, some kind of monster?"
And there it is, Sam's endlessly patient I-understand-you face, like he actually expected this outburst, and he has of course already an answer. "I didn't mean it like that. I know you wouldn't hurt Cas on purpose but you obviously triggered something. You can't be so reckless." He sighs exasperatedly. But he has said what he wanted to say, and now it's time to move on.
Only Dean has to clarify one thing. "Sam, do you really think Cas would let me do anything to him he didn't want me doing?" He raises an eyebrow pointedly at Sam. That's all fine and well but Dean won't apologize for something they both wanted.
It's not that Dean doesn't feel guilty, hell he feels terrible, but he doesn't regret dong it. Because Cas liked it, because he can't get the sound of Cas' moans and the sight of his flushed body out of his head. And because no matter the consequences, it wasn't wrong.
Sam's face softens, only slightly so but now he looks more like a ridiculous large puppy that just took more into its mouth than it could swallow. Strictly metaphorical of course. "Of course not, it's just… I'm worried okay?"
"I'm worried too. Hell, I didn't sleep one bit last night, trying to figure out how to help Cas and we finally came to the decision that we need to know what happened. This isn't just some half assed decision Sam. And that's why I'm asking you and Jess for help. We're not going to do this without any backup. So are you in, or not?"
Sam looks for a moment as if he's going to object, but then his face softens and he smiles. "Of course Dean, whatever you need. I only hope this won't end badly for you."
"Yeah, but I'm willing to take that chance, and so is Cas. It won't get better if we do nothing."
"Okay. So how are we going to do this?"
"First I'm going to eat something and drink some more coffee, because in case you didn't notice I haven't slept last night. And then we're going to make Cas real comfy and hook him up or whatever it is that he needs."
"Okay." Sam nods, and he already has his deep-in-thought-and-hatching-out-a-plan face on, which is a good sign probably, because it means that Sam is a hundred percent in. And there is nothing they can't do between the two of them. "We can tell Jess over breakfast."
Jess has somehow conjured a plate filled with sausages and bacon, a whole mountain of it, and she and Cas are feasting from it. Okay, Jess is, while Cas nibbles on a piece of bacon and keeps nursing his coffee. "You shouldn't overdo it with the coffee you know. It could have a similar effect to alcohol." Jess cautions, and Cas throws a dejected glance at his cup, before he puts it down again.
They both look up when the brothers reenter, and it's striking how equal the smile on both Jess and Cas' faces is when they lay eyes on their significant others. And for a moment Dean is stunned, because he has deeply accepted the fact that Jess is in love with his Sasquatch of a brother, those two are perfect for each other, and he knew that Cas felt something for him - but to see it, obvious like this, a perfect mirror of Jess' happy smile, is something else entirely.
Now is probably not the right time to think inappropriate thoughts though.
"Hey you can always try decaff." Sam suggests and both Jess and Dean snort in unison.
"Yeah, he can also drink sewer water. Decaff tastes like piss."
"Okay that's enough. No more decaff bashing or I'll tell you where caffeine comes from." Jess threatens with a soft expression around her eyes.
"I doubt anyone would stop drinking caffeine, no matter what horror stories you'll tell them." Sam pecks a kiss on Jess temple and slides down next to her. It's kind of a strange transition from their earnest talk, but things like this shouldn't be discussed all gloomy and negative anyway.
"Caffeine is an alkaloid produced by coffee plants as a pesticide." Cas supplies helpfully and at least Sam looks sick for a second.
"Okay I really didn't need to hear that I've been drinking pesticide for the past few years." Sam gives his cup (the one he just poured himself) the same dejected look Cas gave his earlier and puts it down next to the sink. Jess just shrugs.
"Same goes for nicotine."
"Okay that's enough. We gotta stay on topic here." Dean intervenes, because he really doesn't want to know what else might be some weird plant-pesticide. Even though it probably isn't half as bad as it sounds, it still reminds him of gooey green paste or some shit like that. But since both Jess and Cas don't seem perturbed by the uncovered nature of caffeine it is probably not so bad.
Jess' breakfast is delicious, even though that's not what Dean's main focus lies on as he and Sam explain to Jess what they're about to do. And then Cas explains, with little help from Sam, how the procedure is going to work, and what they'll have to do to support him. It doesn't sound as complicated, but Cas is going to do the main part – while Sam is going to make sure that no data gets lost. And Jess will monitor Cas' vitals, not that she expects much to happen, but it's better to take all possible precautions.
"What better way to spend a lazy Sunday afternoon." Dean comments dryly, but all that earns him is an eye roll from Sam. He's not going to fool anyone with his bravado this time. And he can't really help it, he's nervous and on edge, because Sam has made a point out of listing all the possible ways this could go wrong. And Cas looks paler than usual, as if he's just now realizing the dangers of his idea.
"It will be fine." Usually Dean is not a fan of unfounded optimism, but Jess says it with so much sincerity and a heartwarming smile that Dean can't really say anything against it. And she isn't totally wrong either, a bit of optimism can't hurt. God knows they'll need it.
"You heard that Cas? It'll be fine and you're up and kicking in no time." And it's his job to support and comfort Cas, isn't it? Even if it's false bravado, he can at least do this much for him.
Cas stays quiet while they clear up the breakfast dishes, Dean doesn't say anything too, only Jess and Sam talk quietly but to Dean it's just a quiet background noise. He's too focused on Cas and assuring him in every possible way, without actually saying a word. The situation is strangely familiar, he had years to perfect this form of silent comfort. He used to do that for Sammy a lot, way back when their father had one of his episodes. And just as Sam did so many years ago, Cas slowly relaxes into the reassuring pressure of Dean's hand on the small of his back. He even closes his eyes for a moment when Dean starts rubbing his thumb in small circles.
"I'm going to call Chuck and ask if there's any advice he can give me." Sam says as he puts the last of the dried plates up into the cabinets.
"Okay. Come on Cas, let's get you comfy." He exerts soft pressure on Cas' back to lead him into the living room. Jess follows closely behind with a canteen of ice water and one of the dish towels.
"I'll get my emergency equipment from the car." She puts the water and the towel down before she walks out. She started to carry a bag with some medical equipment in her car, after a certain incident involving a heat stroke, a dog bite, premature labor and one blouse ruined by blood stains. It wasn't pretty; and ever since then, Jess prefers to be ready for anything.
(And apparently a lot of things can be avoided with the right antibiotics. Whatever the hell that means.)
Dean fluffs up the pillows and puts them down around Cas, so that he's comfortably encased. Cas looks slightly confused, like he's not used to being fussed over. It's kind of adorable but also a little sad. Cas certainly didn't get fussed over a lot in his time. But that's just how it goes sometimes. Dean sits down next to him.
"Hey." He says, admittedly a bit lamely. And it comes to him, in that moment, that they've done something similar already. Back when they had to charge up Cas' battery or when Jess had to exchange his electrolyte. It's similar and yet it's different, because this, they don't necessarily have to do, they could always try and manually delete the affected memories (risking losing all memories in the process), or they could even leave it as it was and Dean simply would have to behave himself (Yeah, as if). Point is, they have a choice in this.
Or maybe they haven't.
But it's still the same in how Cas' hand inevitably finds Dean's and they just hold on to each other as they await Jess' return. Sam comes in, carrying a frown that could mean anything from 'I have a great idea' to 'I just heard the worst news ever and have no idea how to break it to yoi, but Dean has grown up with Sam and he has learned to read the fine differences, the minute details that distinguish one from the other. This one is an 'I'm in deep thought and might just have the best idea of my life' face.
"So listen, Chuck said it's possible to clear up the error that's clogging Cas' memories, so we don't have to extract them from the core. He's mailing me a program right now, along with the instructions."
"That doesn't sound so bad." Dean feels a stiffness recede from his shoulders, he wasn't aware was there. He doesn't really understand what the specifics are or how this is supposed to work exactly, but he only needs to look at Sam's beaming smile to know that things will be alright. Sam has only worked with the guy for a short time, but what he's heard so far about this Chuck guy, was mostly positive. Except for some questionable fashion and hygiene choices apparently.
Jess returns and sets up her stuff, while Sam goes off to get his laptop and for a while they sit undisturbed on the couch. The hand in his is cool but the press of his fingers is steady and there is a soft glint in Cas' eyes as he keeps his gaze on Dean. A smile only in his eyes.
All this talking about trust, they've been back and forth with that, and it still hasn't really settled with Dean that Cas trusts him, completely and without a single doubt. But looking into his eyes now he can finally believe it, down to the bottom of his heart. (And he's drowning in those eyes that seem to have a language of their own.)
The next minutes are filled with a flurry of activity. Cas' clothes haven't yet been washed and s he wears another set of Dean's clothes, and it doesn't take long to divest him of the shirt. Jess hooks him to some instruments, one of those portable pulse meters or whatever they're called, a thing for blood pressure and a few other things Dean can't really put a name to.
"I've noticed something when I checked up Cas after the electrolyte exchange. I did some reading up on the artificial heartbeat but couldn't find anything until Sam got me some blueprints from Mr. Shurley. Well Sam is not really interested in this stuff, but I thought it was pretty neat." Jess throws a fond smile to where Sam is sitting in Bobby's chair, typing away on his laptop, oblivious to what's going on around him.
Dean doesn't exactly know where this is going but Cas seems interested enough so he settles in for listening.
"So far I was under the impression that bots were pretty much mechanical with a synthesized biological outside, but it turns out you guys are stuffed full with organs. They're not exactly clear on that in the ads, they just throw the word lifelike around a lot. I mean it is logical, how else could you be able to digest, and the body temperature, and all the other things."
"Okay, wait for a second there." Dean holds up a hand. "I'm not sure I got everything right, but if you say what I think you're saying, that means that Cas is stuffed full with organs like humans? Does that even work? And how did he get alcohol poisoning?"
"Well Cas is an early prototype of that model, seems like he has some kind of hybrid-machine-organs."
"Now, that just sounds wrong."
"Yeah it sure does." Jess smiles and pats a hand on Cas' knee. "But don't worry, you're fine. Basically you're just like a human with better hardware. Well and no alcohol tolerance. And a redundancy of wires, and okay, you're not really like a human, but pretty close I suppose." Jess rubs a hand over the side of her neck, looking almost sheepishly. "I don't really get all the mechanical details on the blueprints, but at least half of you is organic Cas."
Dean can't decide if that sounds better or actually worse.
"I presume that's a good thing?" Cas frowns, looking from Jess to Dean.
"Of course it is." Dean leans in to kiss Cas. "I didn't really understand half of it, but it sounded good to me." Yeah, good is always better.
"Oh I think it's a good thing, you're more like we are Cas, you're like Dean."
It's like someone has switched on a light behind Cas' eyes. He looks at Dean, smiling, eyes bright with so many emotions, joy and happiness, and something else Dean refuses to acknowledge, because it just can't be. But he can't dwell on it, because Cas pulls him in for another kiss, deep and slow, and Dean is content with just settling his hands on Cas' sides.
"Okay, I think I got it." Sam takes another look at his screen, before putting the laptop down on the coffee table. "Chuck wrote me a program that should do all the work for us, but we should keep an eye out on his vitals, since Chuck said they were a good sign for something wrong with the brain. But it should lower the risk of accidentally deleting something."
"I hope this Chuck knows his business." Dean sits back against the couch, one hand wrapped around Cas' softly squeezing in a gesture of comfort. "How long will it take?"
Sam shrugs and unplugs an USB-drive, tapping it against his knuckles. "Not long according to Chuck, but we'll have to reboot afterwards, and that can take some time."
"Well, we better find out then. You ready Cas?" Dean can't exactly say that he feels good about the whole thing, as good as he is with mechanics and tinkering, he's at a total loss when it comes to software, and it pisses him off to no end that he doesn't even understand the problem. He feels so helpless, and that is a feeling that Dean really doesn't like. Thankfully he can trust Sam on that.
"Yes." Cas nods, but there is a hint of nervousness, and Dean scoots a bit closer, doing the only thing he can do right, giving Cas comfort.
"Okay Cas. This won't take long and you won't feel the effects until after the reboot, and you should be aware that it could be pretty bad. I don't know what you forgot or what caused the error, but it could be very painful to uncover."
"I know Sam, but I want to do this. I'm ready."
Jess checks her instruments and gives Sam a thumbs up, and then it's time for the truth. Cas turns around on the couch, side to the backrest and Dean sits on the edge of the couch, holding on to Cas' hand. It's not exactly comfortable, but Sam needs access to Cas' panels and Dean won't leave him. Dean watches as Sam pops open Cas' control panel, pressing a few buttons before he inserts the plug. "Okay and go."
Cas tenses in Dean's arms, eyes wide and unblinking, but neither Jess nor Sam seem perturbed so Dean figures that is normal. Still, he wishes he would know what is going on, what exactly it is that's happening right now in Cas' head. Sam keeps pressing buttons, frowning and gnawing on his tongue, a thing he only does when he's in really deep thought. Jess measures Cas' blood pressure, and keeps checking his pulse, but whatever happens doesn't seem to affect Cas' body, and according to what Sam's said earlier, that's a good thing.
"Okay, that's it." Sam pulls out the USB-plug and puts it on the table. Cas doesn't give any indication that something happened and Sam keeps pressing on buttons. "Okay, shutting him down is pretty complicated, and booting is not much better, so this will take a while." Sam types in the command for the maintenance panel to open and starts fiddling again.
"I'll stay." Dean says and Sam is wise enough not to argue. But his lack of knowledge is like an itch under his skin, and there is something that's been bugging him ever since Jess mentioned that Cas apparently had organs. "How does that even work? I mean Cas is half human, you can't just shut down a human."
"Yeah, but that's exactly why it's so complicated. It's kind of like an induced coma, for the organ part at least, and if you don't do it correctly you can damage something."
"Wow, now I feel reassured."
"Don't worry, it's close to impossible to do it wrong, they are like a ton of safety programs that prevent you from doing something dumb. Besides, Chuck told me that the newest models from Cas' lines don't need to shut down at all, and they can operate completely without a charger, they have to eat though."
"Well, good for them."
Sam just throws him a bitch-face.
"Don't worry Dean. Cas will be alright. I've seen a few reboots in my time and nothing has ever gone wrong." Jess' smile is reassuring and Dean appreciates it, but he doesn't really feel better. Not until Cas is back with them.
A jolt goes through Cas and then he slumps against Dean, muscles all loose, and Dean was right, that is damn creepy. Sam isn't worried, and neither is Jess, but Dean can't get the feeling of nausea out of his system. He keeps watching as Sam is working with the maintenance panel, rearranging wires and pressing buttons, Jess looking over his shoulder. It makes him uneasy, he's not used to being helpless He gets twitchier and more on edge with every second that passes, until Sam has enough and kicks him out of the room, promising to call him as soon as the reboot is complete.
Since he's got nothing better to do, Dean busies himself with setting up the washing machine, to finally clean Cas' clothes. Only then he remembers that there's a boiler that needs repairing and so he goes off to do that.
It's Jess that comes to get him, and he's both relieved and anxious to get back to Cas. Sam is finishing whatever the hell it is he's doing, pushing the lid to the maintenance panel shut. He takes the pencil he used to pop open the control panel and unceremoniously sticks it in Cas' other ear, twisting it, while pressing buttons simultaneously. Another jolt runs through Cas' body, and there is a soft hum in the air for a moment. His skin is warm to the touch and his eyes flutter but stay closed otherwise.
The relief Dean feels when Cas finally opens his eyes is immense, but it fades almost instantly when he sees the expression in them. There's pain in them, but worse, there is no recognition when he looks at Dean. Only pain, and a fierce form of anger, saturated by fear, as if he's expecting something bad to happen any second now.
"Cas, are you okay?" Dean reaches out but Cas immediately flinches back, growling a warning, but there is also panic in his eyes now, the look of a cornered animal. "Cas, it's me. Dean." Cas has retreated fully against the back of the couch, arms crossed in front of his torso, knees pulled up to his chest.
"Don't touch me." He growls, but he's not looking at Dean, he's looking at something, someone else, and Dean has a sick suspicion as to what is happening in Cas' mind right now.
"Cas, please. Look at me. I would never hurt you." Sam and Jess have retreated to give them space, but Dean can physically feel their worried eyes on him. He wants nothing more but to touch Cas, to reassure him, but he has to hold back, because right now everything could spook him. But his words finally seem to take effect, Cas blinks and then frowns, the anger and fear gone, but the tension remains in his body.
"Dean?" He looks up and squints at Dean, and Dean gives him the time to riddle through whatever it is that puzzles him. "That was unpleasant." Cas finally says, but there's a smile on his lips, soft, almost hesitant, but a smile nonetheless.
"Welcome back Cas." Dean carefully extends his arms and Cas allows him to pull him into a hug. "How do you feel?"
Cas frowns again, looking down at his body, as if the answer to Dean's question is somewhere hidden there. "I'm not sure. I feel different."
"Is the error still there?" Sam asks, worry clearly evident in his voice.
"No, not as far as I can tell."
"So it worked?"
"Yes, my memories are completely restored."
"You okay?"
"Yes, I'm fine. The transition was a bit rough and I had difficulties differentiating myself from the memories, but I have it under control now."
"You sure?"
Cas smiles, but Dean can't do anything against the anxiety he's still feeling. He can't get the image of Cas panicking out of his mind, the anger and the hurt in his eyes. He never wants to see that again. "Yes Dean, I am fine." And there is really only thing Dean can say to that. He carefully moves into Cas' personal space, eyeing him carefully for a negative reaction, but when none comes, he just goes for it, pressing his lips against Cas, letting it linger there, until he's sure that Cas really is alright.
Sam and Jess move in to hug Cas next, both ignoring the fact that Cas is still naked from the waist upwards, a fact that Dean hesitantly remedies by shoving his shirt at Cas. He loves to see Cas naked, but right now is not the moment for bedroom thoughts.
"Do you mind telling us what happened?" Sam asks, ever the curious one. Dean is about to tell him off, he's the first one to tell anyone that prying in unhappy memories is a no go, but Cas beats him to it.
"I'd like that yes."