I DO NOT OWN TWILIGHT

This is really short, just E's POV. The next chapter will follow shortly. :)

Thanks to: acw1, xxxlookingformyedwardxxx, reyes139, debbieg95388, Bella Baby24, jaycorkatbai, COURTNEY1022, Vampirelovetoo, jadedghost22, rasty cullen, Isabela is Online, meemo34, ziksupanaturalminx, britanny08forever and to everyone who's added my story on their lists and whoever's reading. (I hope I got your names right)

Thanks so much. I appreciate everything even if my story isn't that good. Thank you 3

Chapter 21: Detox

EPOV

We remained by the doorway as I sobbed in Alice's embrace, gripping her arms as I whimpered like a child. No matter how I hated and felt embarrassed for the way I looked, I just couldn't help it. I couldn't help but feel shattered. I couldn't help but cry. I couldn't help but feel sorry. I couldn't help but fall apart.

After days of thinking, how come I couldn't come up with the right thing to do? I am still confused as hell and I don't know what's happening to me.

I almost hurt her… ALMOST… AGAIN….

I sobbed harder at the thought…

This is the time I could truly feel I have lost it.

I've lost everything I've ever wanted.

I've lost myself.

I've lost my heart… I've lost love.

I'm thankful that Alice got to me, or else god know what would I have done right now. I'm thankful that she made me stop acting like a jerk, even just for a second.

Why is it so hard for me to make the right decisions? To do the right things? Why can't I help being selfish? Why can't I think of her – how she would feel, what she has to say? I never thought thoroughly of that. Why do I keep on acting like a jerk? Why do I always do this to her? To… other people? I think only of myself. Why am I like this?

I need to think straight. I need to reassess every molecule... atom in me.

The tears stopped falling down slowly. I was only feeling my sister's sympathy - from the pain I am feeling.

"Do you want something to drink?" Alice asked.

I shook my head.

"Okay... Do you… Maybe you want to lay down for a bit?" She asked again as she rubbed her hands up and down my arms.

"Perhaps," my voice cracked.

We entered my room and I walked my receiving area. I sat on the couch and patted the space next to me for Alice to sit. I used her shoulders as my headrest and sat quietly, my thoughts, wandering to every corner in my mind.

"Alice…" I trailed.

"Go on Edward," she shifted to face me.

I sighed heavily. There are a billion things I want to ask her, I don't know what to ask first. Okay… I think I know now. I took awhile to ask her, "Am I… No… No." I closed my eyes and shook my head, "Of course I am," I said to myself and laughed. I was about to ask Alice if I am really bad. But we all know I am beyond that.

"I… don't know how to begin…" I leaned forward and pinched the bridge of my nose. "How do I keep on doing this?" I said angrily.

I fucking hate myself.

"Stop berating yourself, Edward. Just think. That's what I always tell you, that's what we tell you," she said.

"The problem is, I can't think properly. I can't think of the right decisions!" I said through gritted teeth. Goddamnit! "I can't think because I'm stupid!"

"Edward! Stop yanking your hair out! Do you want to have your kids laugh at you because you're bald at such a young age?" She pried my fingers away from my hair. I hadn't noticed I was yanking it in the first place. "You just have to listen to what we say and what you have to say. Is thinking twice so much to do?"

I thought of what she said about kids. "That would be impossible," I laughed stiffly.

"Excuse me?"

I looked at her and she had the face of an innocent little girl. "I mean, the children part. That would be… impossible," I whispered the last word for it hurt me. I want to have kids… with Bella.

An image of a family with Bella popped in my head. She, carrying a baby boy in her arms, while I played with the delicate fingers of our newborn. The rosy cheeks he would have inherited from his mother, his coppery hair, from yours truly. The eyes, a shade brighter than his mother's.

It was too early to think of something like this, but... I want to share that experience with her. There's no one I'd offer to share this feeling with her; how I feel about her.

I shook my head, erasing the cloud of thought. It's too much of me to hope or even think about it.

"Are you planning on going senile without a family?" Alice raised a brow at me. "You're my family. I'd baby sit your children."

"Why the sudden change of mind? Are you serious about this? What makes you so sure?" Alice asked softly. "You're not even married yet… or dating."

I looked at her intently, trying not to crumble as I answer her question. "Because I lost the one I want to date… and marry and have kids with. I haven't even had her…"

Alice instantly frowned and looked at me with sad eyes. I couldn't take what I see in her eyes so I shifted my gaze to my knotted hands. "Aww… Edward," I felt Alice's hand on my back. "You'll be okay."

"I don't think so…" I defied her instantly.

I don't think I'll be okay until things are better between Bella and I. Or at least, just with myself. I need to reevaluate everything. I need to… What's that word Alice uses?

Oh! Right! I need to detox.

I want a break from everything and everyone. I want to be alone, even just for the rest of the evening, drive somewhere.

"I… am… Alice, I think… I think I need a break… You know…" I shrugged.

"I'll take over for a few days," Alice said. I looked at her and she smiled encouragingly. "Are you sure? I mean, I just plan to drive for a few hours. I mean, with all your wedding planning and… stuff?" I know her hands are full at the moment, I don't want to bother her. I don't want to be a selfish brother. "I can wait for mom and dad. You don't have to."

She snorted, " Oh please! Come on! That's just a piece of cake. Besides, Angela's there, that would be easy. "

I raised a brow at her, "You know Angela?"

"Duh," she rolled her eyes.

"Anyhow, I'm not sure about leaving you though…"

"And you know me how?" it's her time to raise her brow. I chuckled, of course she can do this. She's the most capable of doing everything at once. "Thank you," I reached for her hand and squeezed it. "Thank you so much."

She hugged me and gave me a smile after. "Shall I call the airport or will you be driving?"

"And you know me how?" I mocked her.

I drove my Volvo to Miami, thanks to my precious baby – and maniac driving – I got there nearly after 16 hours of driving with very few bathroom breaks. From there, I took a two and a half flight to Antigua. Then, I rode a chopper from Antigua to Masen Island for less than an hour and a half.

It is was my grandfather's. We'd usually go here whenever Esme feels like the urban life is being a pain in the ass.

I love this place. Specially when I craved for peace. As soon as the chopper took off, the sound of the waves rang in my ears and I felt like I could breathe again, even just for a second.

I went straight into the house beach house, savoring the cool breeze passing through the open house the night has to offer.

I lay down on the hammock at the porch while sipping some beer. It felt like I was hanging out at a backyard.

"What the heck," I said and pulled my shirt off and stripped down to my boxers. I went here for the beach, I should make use of it.

The moon was full, perfect for a night swim. I walked to the shore and smiled at the warmth of the water. It's perfect.

I walked deeper into the water as I emptied my thoughts. I let the water sway me with its waves that allowed me to relax and let loose.

It's short, obviously. lol What do you guys think?

Will update soon