A/N A small disclaimer: I do not necessarily agree with everything my characters say or do - Alice's poisoning of Zevran is a prime example of this, as was how Neira dealt the desire demon - and just because my main characters do something does not mean that it reflects my morality or what I would do in a given situation. I have a longer rant that I could do but I'm sure you get the message and I'd probably wind up giving away spoilers in it so let's leave it at that.

Also we're still at Soldier's peak because this chapter and the last one to be the same chapter but I had a great ending point and this was taking awhile so I split them up.

Enjoy the story.

Elisa stood in the armory of Soldier's peak, looking at the array of weapons and armor that stood before her. She hadn't expected there to be anything left after hundreds of years but Avernus explained that not only was the armory enchanted to keep the air dry, helping prevent anything from rusting. But many of the weapons and armor were enchanted in themselves to prevent the same thing. The werewolf had destroyed her armor so she was down here, finding a new set from the armory of her predecessors, weapons of war that had not been seen in centuries.

Or that's what she told herself.

Truthfully she had been stalling. She had spotted the set of armour she wanted within minutes of coming in here; made of dragon scales, it had the same thickness as her chainmail but far lighter and durable then her previous armour, it was also very flexible, which would allow her better freedom of movement without sacrificing protection. She made a mental note to look into who it had been made for, they seemed to fight like her. She wondered if they had been like her; a warrior mage. She wondered if they ever had had to make a decision like the one that she faced now.

Probably not. There had never been a monster like Avernus in the wardens before, or at least there had never been one with a commander desperate or monstrous enough to allow his research to continue to exist after it had been found. Never been a commander as desperate and monstrous as her.

She closed her eyes. Maker knew that never had a warden-commander been as desperate as her. She faced a blight with seven wardens, four recruits, four auxiliaries and a fucking dog as her only source of manpower. Her only hope of an army was two pieces of paper, a dying man, poisoned by one of her recruits and a promise from a bunch of slaves. She needed every edge she could get.

She knew all this, knew that she had already chosen her new set of armour and was stalling down here while Avernus got the supplies for the Joining out of the heavily protected and concealed vault where they had been preserved all this time and prepared the ritual for the recruits. Knew that she was hiding from the choice she had to make. She knew that Henrick and Leroy had proven untrustworthy, had scanned their unconscious minds herself and seen that they were too loyal to the chantry to ever be truly useful to Elisa's wardens. She knew that she had to make sure they would never leak grey warden secrets, never harm Thedas' only effective defense against the darkspawn by revealing secrets that should never see the light of day.

She even knew the most effective way to do it; knew without question what the most efficient way to silence the two templars would be, knew how their deaths would give her the best edge against the darkspawn threat. The problem was, the most effective way was also the most monstrous way.

In the back of her mind she knew that she would make that monstrous decision, knew that she would cross a line when she did it; the one final line that still separated her from the monsters she had fought in Tevinter. Within half an hour of her leaving the armory there would be nothing separating her from cruelest, most evil man alive save the thin line that was her intentions, a line so fragile that it could be broken with a single thought, so unimportant that if she was wrong even once, it would cease to matter and she would become a monster regardless of what her intentions were.

That was what kept her standing in this room, pretending to look at armour that she did not want.

Elisa was looking over a set of plate armour when Neira wrapped her arms around her "You're stalling" she said softly, pressing her cheek into Elisa's back.

Elisa smiled softly "And how would you know that I'm not considering that armour? Magic doesn't lend itself to expertise in armour" she teased

"When I watch someone with plate armour, they move slowly and attack with broad devastating blows. You're fast and yes, you can use devastating blows, but you prefer to use precise strikes that kill without doing too much work. You're also changing the subject, why are you stalling?"

Elisa sighed and sat down on a nearby bench, Neira adjusted her hold on the woman so she was beside her, still holding Elisa in a tight embrace. "We need to do something about Henrick and Leroy"

"So kill them, say they were overwhelmed by the undead. It's not too different from what you did with Jacob"

"Caught that did you? Anyways, the problem is not that I'm going to kill them, that's a given, it's how they should die that bothers me"

Neira was briefly confused, Elisa wasn't one to torture needlessly, or at least she hadn't shown herself to be like that. In fact the operation with Zevran, where she only used the threat of torture to distract the assassin from her use of blood magic showed that she would most likely only use torture to weaken someone's mental defenses so she could gain access to their minds. Why would she…? Ah "You want to give them to Avernus" she confirmed

"Yes"

"Ok"

"Ok?"

Neira looked up "I'd probably have more trouble with the idea if it weren't for the fact that I'd lived in fear of the templars for as long as I can remember, but even if it was two normal people who were a risk I'd still go along with you"

"Why?"

"Because I trust you, because the fact that you're sitting here trying to delay making this horrible choice means that it's not easy for you; that you really think that this is the best way to safeguard Ferelden from the blight. Because you're a shining symbol for mage freedom, you're everything that the chantry fears, apostate, maleficar and yet you're the best of us, the strongest hope we have for survival - I'd follow you just for that" Neira took a deep breath "And because I'm starting to think that I'd follow you anywhere, no matter what you did, no matter what you fought for, I'd be there"

Elisa lowered her lips to Neira's upturned ones, just before they kissed she said softly "One day I'll test that conviction of yours"

"I know, I'll stay"

Later Elisa reflected on how having a lover in her arms did not lead her to light, as the bards claimed, but rather, to darkness.

oOo

They stood in a circle not dissimilar to the one that had left them grey wardens such a short time ago - had it only been a month and a half? As the recruits learned about the joining for the first time, learned the first of the many secrets grey wardens kept. Jowan was taken aback, torn between his fear and his desire to make things right, Leroy and Henrick tried to accept the necessity of the action but were torn by the secrecy and the ritual's similarity to blood magic; if Elisa hadn't already known they were a risk this would have shown her they could not be trusted. Only Clara truly accepted the Joining - after having resorted to blood magic in her fight for freedom she barely hesitated when told of how the grey wardens protected themselves against the taint, understanding the necessity of both the action and the secrecy.

They had determined that Neira would carry out the ritual while Elisa dealt with anyone who backed out, either forcing them to drink at knife point - something only done because live subjects could be used regardless of loyalty - or killing them if they continued to refuse. Only Avernus was in the room with them, Duran and Theron had gone with Levi to examine the castle and look into the possibility that both the Drydens and the wardens could use it as a base of operations, partially because it was important and they were not needed here and partially because they needed to make sure that Levi's curiosity did not lead him to spy on them here.

Neira said the words to begin the Joining then brought the cup to Clara "As of this moment, Clara, you are a grey warden" Clara drank and fell back, unconscious but thankfully still alive. Next was Jowan, who drank despite his obvious fear before falling forward, chocking and clawing at his throat. Neira felt the tears well up in her eyes as her dear friend lay dead on the floor "I'm sorry Jowan" she whispered "I'm so, so sorry"

She turned to Henrick to see the Templar had drawn his sword "No, I won't do this. I won't participate in this evil, this blood magic"

"If you think this is blood magic then you really have seen nothing" Elisa whispered in his ear, a dagger pressed against the back of his neck, a second blade resting against Leroy's throat beside him "But it doesn't matter what you think, really, all that matters is that you either drink or die"

In another world, one where he had not been a Templar, Henrick would have made an excellent grey warden. The man was a survivor, determined to keep fighting for what he believed no matter what it meant, determined to make the world safe for those around him regardless of what he had to do. It was a pity that his failure to understand the grey warden cause endangered it. He took the cup and drank, planning to escape and tell his Templar brothers about the grey wardens secrets that he knew at first opportunity. He survived, as did Leroy.

Once it was done the three mages surveyed their former recruits, three survivor but only one warden. Elisa closed her eyes, this was the moment she crossed the line forever, committed an action that was excusable but never justifiable, could never truly be the right thing to do. "How much could you do with two test subjects?" she asked Avernus, amazed that her voice never wavered, that she did not show the horror she felt.

"The reason that I burned through so many subjects so quickly was because I needed a breakthrough to focus my efforts on. As a result I experimented broadly."

"Mass production alchemy" the note of disapproval in Elisa's voice was clear; she shared the viewpoint of most mages and alchemists that such methods were inelegant and thuggish, that they were barely research at all.

"Yes, but I had an excess of subjects and not the means to keep them alive, allowing them to starve would have been a waste. In any event, I could make major breakthroughs with two subjects, I assume the templars?"

Elisa nodded "I'll help you"

Avernus raised an eyebrow and Elisa snapped "look in the mirror, old man, you're knocking on death's door and I'd rather not lose what you know because your body just decides to stop working one day"

Avernus noted Elisa's outburst; clearly the decision to give him the two templars bothered her more then she let on. Her decisions were still rational however, he did not have much longer in this world and losing the knowledge he possessed could spell disaster for this small group of wardens and the country they - himself included - guarded. He knew that she would be disgusted by the work he did, how he used his subjects but he was sure that in time she would see the good provided by the work he did would far exceed the evil he put into it; in the end she would see what good he did.

oOo

Like all the other nights since the joining Elisa could not sleep, unlike all the other nights however it was not because she was haunted by the experiments that they had performed on Henrick and Leroy but rather because she was not haunted. In a sense she was haunted because she was not haunted. A seemingly silly sentiment but an entirely understandable one once you thought about it. At first she had been haunted because she was not truly ok with what she was doing even if she knew it was the most efficient way to get things done; now she was haunted by the fact that she had no problem torturing others in the name of progress and by the worry that she was a monster. This was the worry that had her out in the pathway between Avernus' tower and the main castle at this ungodly hour of the morning.

"A commander needs sleep or she will make bad decisions"

Elisa looked over to see Theron leaning against the wall beside her, she was about to berate herself for letting anyone get that close to her without her knowing when she realized that a part of her knew he was there and didn't let the rest of her know because he offered no threat. Interesting… and disturbing, she filed the information and answered without taking her gaze of the horizon "Been in military before?" she asked

"Keeper, commander it makes no difference, both of you have the lives of others in your hands. If you are slow, tired or make bad decisions all who follow you will suffer"

"And what if I make monstrous decisions?"

Theron shrugged "Then you are a good warden-commander"

Elisa looked at him in shock "Care to explain that?"

"We are grey wardens, our whole order is about defeating the darkspawn no matter the price. Making a monstrous decision that furthers our cause and is easily hidden from the world is nothing more than the sign of a good commander."

Elisa scowled "What I did was evil, beyond redemption"

Theron shrugged again "All good grey wardens are monsters, the only difference is that the lucky ones don't discover that. Surrender to the judgement of the wardens when this is over if you must but do not doubt yourself. None commands the Ferelden's respect like you do. I could take command, as could Duran or your sister, maybe even the mages have it in them but none of us command the respect you do, none will find it as easy to sway the people of this land as you could." With that said he left as quietly as he came, leaving Elisa to think about what had been said.

She agreed with everything he had said, they grey wardens were monsters because there was no other way they could keep humanity safe as effectively as they did. When she thought about it a bit more she realised that the Joining had most likely been developed in experiments similar to what Avernus had done here. And even if that was not all true, regrets are a luxury only the victorious could afford. In her situation she could not doubt herself if she hoped to succeed, she had to act decisively and without showing weakness. Avernus guessed that they could get the most out of the experiments with two more days, with fatal ones on the last day to ensure that Henrick or Leroy did not escape when no one was around who could hunt them down. After that they would gather the enhancement potions and head to Denerim.

She would see this blight stopped.

No matter the cost.

A/N So in my opinion this was both the darkest and most fluffy chapter yet. I kinda realized that I've been showing you the actions of the characters but not the motivation behind them and am making a deliberate effort to change that as well as improve the romances beyond "They have sex and btw they're in love". Some characters will stay one-dimensional either because they're cannon fodder or because I haven't/will not come up with the fine points of their character. There's a few that I think I may have trouble developing depth for simply because I created them so that they will not have issues with what happens in DA:O, but hopefully, I'll manage.

Thanks to Dipsy Doo for his review

Anyways thanks for reading and please review