Chapter 20 – Part 20

Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing. Clearly.

Guess what? In this chapter, the rules surpass (ta dah!) 500! Woah! Can you believe it? Also, I apologize for any continuity mistakes and such that I might have made.

The large amount of fudge that the Smart Camp had given her was so not worth the monster headache that they had caused. Though, to be fair, it was mostly John and Rodney's fault.

492. If it says "DANGEROUS," then, by God, it is dangerous.

Rodney needed a larger label-maker. Preferably one with bright colors. Though how John had managed to be turned into a woman was hysterical.

493. Safety Dance – No. Just no.

Someone (she didn't want to think who) had managed to download the Safety Dance into the Atlantis mainframe. Then, due to a computer glitch, the song started playing pretty much every ten minutes for three days straight. It got so bad that Ronon had taken the entire Menagerie and sequestered himself (with the Menagerie) on one of the Hive ships. It had taken the rest of the Alliance to get him off, after swearing that they would track down whoever had gotten the song.

John went into hiding.

494. Hackey sacks are not allowed off-base.

A. They will cause damage.

A-4 had been behind that one. They had gotten extremely bored one day on a seemingly routine trade mission and had started to play with Sgt. O'Malley's hackey sack. It had ended badly. Three natives broke their legs and Sgt. O'Malley now had to pay for a whole case of hackey sacks to be sent to that world.

495. Instruction manuals are meant to be read.

A. Don't be afraid to use them.

B. They might actually help you.

C. And save the Smart Camp from having to fix the problem you caused.

Suffice to say, when setting up the new large screen, plasma TV that General O'Neill had so generously supplied them with in the mess hall, John and Evan Lorne thought that they knew what they were doing. Four hours later, when Evan hadn't shown up for his mission briefing, Elizabeth got concerned. Upon walking into the mess hall, she saw the two military officers (a Lt. Colonel and a Major respectively!), totally wrapped up in wires, she had to laugh. It was a very Wall-worthy moment.

496. Alf must stay on his own planet.

A. Felix and Cleo don't like him.

Turns out Alf actually does exist. And he lives in the Pegasus Galaxy. Half of Atlantis wanted to bring him to base and have him stay with the Expedition. Lucky for the rest of the base (and Earth), Woolsey was visiting them, and he had brought Felix along with him. Between Felix and Cleo, Alf was lucky to make it out of Atlantis alive.

497. NO SKY-DIVING!

A. Unless you have the appropriate equipment.

B. And clear it with Dr. Weir.

C. Beaming people out mid-jump does not count as 'safety measures.'

The Cowboys and the Pirates were to blame for that. They were getting quite reckless.

498. Holographic chess is only acceptable if said holograms do not actually hurt people.

The Smart Camp had gotten REALLY bored. So, in a fit of creativity (and a lot of help from George), Rodney had rigged a way of holographic chess, based on Wizard Chess from Harry Potter. However, he had made it a little too real. People started landing in the infirmary. Carson was not very happy. Rodney discovered that an angry Scotsman was a lot scarier than a Wraith Queen. And it only took him how long?

499. Ladies, lay off the Glee addiction.

A. We know you love it.

Glee was the latest phenomenon on Atlantis. It had taken them a few months to patch a relay to Earth and to get caught up on all of the episodes.

500. Kidnapping the cast of Twilight and introducing them to the Wraith is not allowed.

A. Even if they were in no real danger.

B. Or you wanted to compare notes on vampires.

C. Or if you want to shave their heads.

D. What have I said about shaving people's heads?

John said it was a training exercise. Rodney said it was for scientific purposes. Teyla and Ronon played the alien card. Elizabeth had to deal with a cast of traumatized celebrities, especially one Robert Pattinson, who seemed especially affected when the Ninjas had kidnapped him and shaved his head.

501. The SGC would like to remind us that Atlantis is still classified.

The Twilight caper hadn't gone unnoticed.

502. No web-camming in the 'Gate room.

A. Your friends and families do NOT have clearance.

The Smart Camp had figured out how to use the satellite relays used to keep in contact with Earth to allow the Expedition to talk to their loved ones back on Earth on a regular basis. The bad part? More than a few people had web-cammed in the 'Gate room. That took a lot of explaining to clean up.

503. Atlantis does not need postage stamps.

John had thought that it would be a good idea. Elizabeth hadn't. Besides, they already had enough merchandise as it was.

504. When off-world, observe the religious practices of the natives.

A. Whenever possible, blend in and make friends.

B. But don't do anything stupid.

C. Or do anything permanent.

The Alliance had gone off-world as a "bonding" exercise. Turns out, the world they went to was in the middle of a big festival. And the natives weren't too keen on the fact that the Alliance was dressed differently than they were. So, when the four came walking back through the 'Gate, matching cat-like grins on their faces, dressed in togas and identical tattoos on their biceps, Elizabeth wanted to face-palm.

Though, to be fair, they had designed the tattoo themselves (albeit mostly on the fly, to save face). Radek had justified it as their "Clan Symbol." This immediately led to the next rule.

505. Teams are not allowed to get team tattoos.

A-10 and A-13 had promptly asked to go to the planet that the Alliance had just came from. When Elizabeth had said no, they asked for leave to go back to Earth. She shot it down.

506. You may only surf on the Mainland shores.

John had decided he wanted to try his hand at surfing. So he went to the North Pier. It had ended when the EAC had migrated up and thought they would join him. He ended up in the Infirmary for a week, nursing a broken leg, a fractured wrist, and two black eyes.

507. Hookah is hereby banned from Atlantis.

A. We already have enough adventures from 449!

The Marine Brigade was behind that one. She had to stop them, especially when Colonel Caldwell had seen a rise in hookah being brought to Atlantis. Elizabeth didn't need A-13 to be high ALL the time.

508. Silly Stringing the Daedalus is not allowed.

A. It's not nice!

B. Stop it!

The Expedition was quite upset about losing hookah. They took it badly and, as a result, the Daedalus had "mysteriously" been Silly Stringed. Neither Elizabeth nor Colonel Caldwell were very amused by their reactions.

509. Only play Hop-Scotch on Atlantis.

A-6 had struck again. Though, to be fair, Anne had just found out that she was pregnant and the team had wanted to celebrate. But the natives had thought that it was some sort of ritual dance from Earth and had promptly begged to be taught. A-6 had effectively corrupted an entire civilization with a children's game.

510. Be nice to pregnant members of Expedition.

A. Especially if they're military

B. General O'Neill had to pull a LOT of strings to keep them here.

C. So did the President

D. We don't want to lose them.

E. Especially Alliance members.

Since Anne's husband was a native of the Pegasus Galaxy, it only made sense that she remain on Atlantis.

511. No experimental testing on pregnant ladies.

A. Even if it's for their own protection off-world.

Elizabeth had had a long talk with Anne about her off-world status now that she was pregnant. Anne had been concerned about her child's safety and had been perfectly fine with being put on restricted duty, especially considering it was probationary. After all, she was the first Earth Expedition member to have a baby and she was an Air Force officer, so the whole thing was blown wide open.

But the Smart Camp had wanted to see if they could rig up something to protect her while she was off-world. Anne flat-out refused.

512. Keep all surprise parties a secret.

A. It's no fun if the person for whom the party is being planned finds out.

B. Or if you get caught doing something stupid in preparation for the party.

The Expedition had wanted to have an early baby shower for Anne and her husband. Except they wanted to get supplies from Earth and they didn't want to wait for the Daedalus to get back. So they decided to take the Fleet to Earth to buy supplies. Elizabeth warned Earth this time, just to be kind. Except Anne found out when Radek had called her from Earth asking what her favorite color was. That kind of gave it away.

Well, that and the fact that Jen, Ronon, and Radek had parked a Hive ship on Earth to some shopping for presents. Of all the people to blow the Stargate secret, she would not have pegged the Alliance for that one.

As she loaded the last rule, her ear-piece buzzed.

"Yes?" she asked, tentatively.

"Hey, Elizabeth," John's voice came. "The President just contacted us. He wants to talk to you."

She sighed. This was not going to be fun. "I'll be right there, John."

"Just so you're warned, he wants to know what to buy for Anne."

With a chuckle, Elizabeth left her office, Clifford close on her heels.

Hope you liked this chapter. I certainly had a lot of fun writing it. Now, go push that lovely button that says "Review" and give love! And don't forget to send me ideas for Rules to add to this. I'll try to get another chapter up soon!