Chapter Twenty-One – Anchor
If there are any mistakes, please let me know! I did not go over it before posting because I'm super late to a small get-together I was invited too!
I must be dreaming…. was the first thought in Remus' mind as he woke. He couldn't remember how he ended up in the hospital wing. The only thing he knew, was that he was not in that cellar anymore. It was strange, he remembered where he was before this. And the faces of Greyback and the Death Eaters, but he could not remember what happened. The only thing he remembered was Kaylie screaming as she changed. The last thing he remembered was pain. After that, his memory was a blank. He closed his eyes, concentrating hard to fill in the blank gaps in his memory. The only thing he had achieved, was Severus Snape's voice. He didn't know why. The Potion Master wasn't at the training camp, he hadn't seen Snape since after Sirius died. Remus couldn't even remember the words Snape was saying in his memory. He just heard his low mutter and persistent black eyes.
What does this mean? he thought.
"Ah, Mr. Lupin, you're awake, I see," Madame Pomfrey said as she came in. "I'm going to do a quick diagnostic spell to see how you are recovering," she said, waving her wand at him. Remus waited quietly for the verdict. He wondered how many days it's been since he was rescued from Greyback's clutches.
"Everything seems to be in order, Remus, although you still have to rest and take some potions until you're in full health again."
"How did I end up here?" he asked the matron as she started to set some potions on his bedside table.
"I don't know the full story. All I can tell you, is who brought you here," she poured a potion into a cup. "Now drink this, dear."
Remus obeyed the matron without question due to spending most of his time here while at school. He knew better than to complain or argue to Madame Pomfrey.
"Who brought me here?" he asked, making a face at the potion.
"Severus brought you."
"Snape?" Remus asked, his heart beating fast. It explained why the Potions Master kept popping up every time he tried to remember what happened.
"How long has it been since the rescue?" he asked.
Madame Pomfrey gave him another potion to drink. "Almost three weeks," she said.
Remus stared at her in shock. "I missed three weeks of my life?" he asked.
"Well, you were unconscious for about five days. You woke up but you were not yourself. The wolf was in control and you weren't fighting it back. So Albus and I had Severus use Legilimency on you to bring you back. That was three days ago." Remus stared at her. What she was saying was not registering in his mind. He couldn't believe it. He couldn't believe that he had been so weak, letting the wolf take over.
Why do I keep messing up? He wondered. Why do I keep letting the wolf control me? Dad is probably disappointed in me if he is up there watching….
Remus felt so guilty. He hated that he was a monster. He hated the animal he was. He rubbed his hands through his long hair, trying to breathe and control the growling wolf inside. It was harder to fight it now. The wolf had gained a sense of independence, of dominance and it was angry that Remus was in charge again.
"I think I need some air, is it alright if I walk outside?"
Madame Pomfrey gave him the last few potions. He drank them all, hoping that she will allow it.
"Let me do another quick check up on you, dear," the matron said as she scanned her wand over his bandaged wounds again. It was quiet for a while as she concentrated with a frown on her face, muttering the diagnostics to herself. "Do you feel dizzy, Remus?"
"No..."
"Any headaches? Sores? Pain?"
"No," Remus muttered.
"Well, I think it will do you some good to get some fresh air." The matron said. "You have only twenty minutes and if you're not back by than, I'll look for you myself."
Remus nodded, "thank you, Madame, I'll be back, I promise."
The matron nodded as she began to clear up.
"Remus, I'm glad to see that you are up," Remus turned towards the doorway to see Albus Dumbledore smiling at him.
"Hello, headmaster," he said.
"I am glad to see you are doing well."
"Thanks you for...for everything," Remus blushed. He wasn't used to asking for help. He always managed to take care of himself ever since his friends died fifteen years ago.
"I'll leave you two, alone," Madame Pomfrey said, vanishing the rest of the empty potion bottles.
She closed the door behind her. A heavy silence filled the room, and Remus busied himself with rearranging his blankets, wondering what the headmaster wanted, at the same time, not really wanting to talk.
"Remus, I wanted to apologize to you," the headmaster said, conjuring up a comfortable looking armchair and sitting beside Remus' bed.
"Apologize?" Remus asked slowly, not understanding what Dumbledore was apologizing for.
"Yes, I was the one who sent you out on that mission, knowing full well the danger you were in. I knew the vendetta Greyback had against your father and how dangerous he was for you."
"You knew this was going to happen...," Remus said quietly, his voice barley containing a hint of anger. He wasn't sure how to feel about this. He couldn't remember everything that had happened. For some peculiar reason, he couldn't help but feel like he wasn't worth living. That he was a monster, a dark creature who should never had been born. So what did it matter that Dumbledore sent the werewolf out on a suicide mission if it was only for the greater good? What did it matter that Remus died as long as he served his purpose in the war. Those thoughts were pretty alarming and scary. And yet Remus could not help but feel them. What happened? He thought. He tried again to remember. No matter how hard he tried though, the only thing that came to mind was Kaylie screaming and Snape with his dark eyes and a gentle touch, bringing to Remus the feeling of safety.
"Remus, it's alright to be angry. I must admit that what I did was wrong. I took advantage of you." Albus insisted, frowning in all seriousness, studying him with those piercing blue eyes. They made Remus feel like he was thirteen again.
"No, forget it, Albus, I understand why you did it. I understand why you sent me on that mission, while knowing about Greyback's' vendetta. It wasn't even entirely your fault, I chose to go, I chose and that is all that matters. And I was stupid to believe that I would make it back safe. I've always known about Greyback, I knew what I was doing and the danger I was putting myself in," Remus answered, forcing all the anger away, trying to understand why the headmaster had done what he did.
"And I had to do something after Sirius... after he died... the mission took my mind off of him."
"And that is another thing I'm apologizing for. I knew you were in a vulnerable state. I should not have asked you to go on that mission after Sirius died. You were grieving. Of course you'll put yourself in danger."
Remus cringed at those words. "It's all in the past now, let's just forget it" he said, wanting to change the subject. He didn't want to remember Sirius. He didn't want to remember him falling, dying and disappearing. No more was he going to see those blue eyes or hear his laugh or just talk to him.…
"Remus? Where did you go?" the headmaster gave him a gentle nudge.
Remus shook his head shaking away his morbid thoughts. "I'm sorry, headmaster. I…."
"Just got lost in your thoughts? Don't worry, understandable, dear boy, why I find myself lost in my thoughts every now and then. It doesn't hurt to have a good brainstorm now and again does it?"
Remus nodded at his words.
"I'm here to make it up to you, Remus, I'm here to offer you a position."
"What kind of position?" Remus asked.
"I want you teach Defense against the Dark Arts again."
"But everyone knows I'm a werewolf." Remus said. "No one in their right mind would want a werewolf to teach their children. And besides, I don't think I'm in any shape to do it right now."
"Leave the parents and the school board to me. All I want you to worry about right now is your recovery and preparations for the next school year," Albus smiled. "Rest now, and by September you will be strong again."
"Albus, I don't want to be much trouble, those parents are going to turn really nasty towards you. I'm not worth the trouble."
"Of course you're worth the trouble, Remus, why do you think I gave you a chance to attend this school all those years ago?"
Remus shrugged, pulling his eyes away from the old wizard. He always wondered about that himself, in fact.
"When I first met you and gave you your first Hogwarts letter, I was skeptical at first, I will admit. But when I saw how much potential and how smart and thoughtful you were, I knew I had to give you a chance. I would had destroyed you if I had given you your letter. It is one of the decisions I will never regret making all those years ago. For now you are one of the most talented, formidable wizards I know. You are also an excellent teacher, Remus, and I will not let the mere fact of you changing into a wolf once every month, hinder you from what you love to do. The students need you, and I would want you to be here for them at the end of the year."
"What do you mean I have to be here for them? What's happening in the end of the year?" Remus asked eyeing the headmaster suspiciously.
"Finals and their exams, Remus, like I've said nothing to worry about. So will you take the position?"
Thinking about what was said, Remus nodded in defeat. The headmaster was right. Teaching was what Remus loved to do and here was a chance to do it again. He would be stupid to not take the chance.
"Excellent, now I will leave you to rest. The Defense office is all yours once Madame Pomfrey releases you," he placed the classroom and office keys on the nightstand.
"Enjoy your walk, Remus."
The air was warm; the night sky clear as Remus walked around the black lake, leaning on a cane that Madame Pomfrey made him take. His body still felt sore and battered. The walk to the lake had tired him out already. Remus tried not to worry at how weak he was feeling. He only hoped that he will be stronger in time for the impending war that threatened the wizarding society. Limping slightly around the lake, he wondered about the position Dumbledore had offered him and why. What did the old headmaster mean by saying the students will need him at the end of the year? His words sounded too serious for that to only mean final exams. No, something was going on…. Dumbledore was planning something and he could already feel the storm of the upcoming battle approaching. It was those words that what made him take the position, if Dumbledore said that the students will need Remus, then so be it, he will help his students until the end.
He couldn't help but realize how beautiful the night was. The moon not yet full, was so bright it pulled at Remus' senses. The wolf inside longed to be free, but it was not as dominant tonight as when Remus first woke up a few hours ago. He was finally able to regain some control again. The warm breeze ruffled his hair and the scent of earth surrounded him. Remus inhaled deeply, thinking of the freedom he once had with his friends, as they roamed the Hogwarts grounds as animals. Then suddenly, without warning, a memory of the past month resurfaced. He started to breathe heavily. Kaylie's voice rang in his ears. Her screams turned into howls. And the urge to kill was bursting inside Remus until the memory faded away. Remus leaned against the tree, finding it hard to stand. He was a killer, a monster. He didn't deserve to be alive. He didn't deserve to be standing here near the lake under the tree, feeling the scents of the water and earth washing over him. He didn't deserve none of this.
The dark waters was still and smooth like glass. It would be easy to just jump in and stay underwater. To drown his thoughts and crimes, until he sank to the bottom, lost in its shadowy blue depths, but Remus knew that would be taking the cowardly way out. And besides, he made a promise to Sirius….
"Enjoying your stroll, Lupin? Does Madame Pomfrey know you're out here?"
A sarcastic voice broke Remus out of his morbid thoughts.
"I could say the same to you, Snape." Remus rasped trying to sound nonchalant.
"Three days was enough for my body to recover." Snape said, eyeing him up and down, glaring at his face expression.
"And your magic?" Remus asked avoiding the Potions Master's searching black eyes.
Severus replied smoothly, "it will strengthen in time. It's nothing I can't handle."
Heart still beating rapidly, still shaken by Kaylie's fate. Remus slid down against the tree, unable to stand anymore.
Snape just stood where he was, not moving to help him.
He buried his face in his knees. I killed her…, he thought. I killed her….
"Pull yourself together, Lupin!" Snape snarled. The impatient tone from the wizard brought Remus back, his heart rate began to return to normal and he lifted his head.
"I'm sorry…," he said. "I …tell me that you found a girl when you rescued me."
Snape frowned and shook his head. "She didn't make it," was all he said.
Remus felt tears burn in the back of his eyes. He refused to let them go. Not in front of this man, not in front of him….
It was silent for a few moments, until Snape turned to leave, "you better start heading back to castle, wolf," he said.
"I want to thank you, Severus." Remus began, only because he didn't feel ready to go back just yet. "Thank you for getting me out of there and…."
"There's no need, Lupin, I just did what I had to do, so don't go wasting your breath on meaningless words," Snape interrupted him with a scowl and a shake of his head, as if he were shrugging off some bothersome fly.
"They are not meaningless!" Remus said. "You saved my life countless times this past month. I am deeply in your debt now. Especially the way my friends and I treated you when we were teenagers, you easily could had turned away. I would had understood, but you chose to save me, so I am willing to waste my breath if only to apologize."
"I'm not one to turn my back on someone who is in danger. You should take a leaf out of my book, Lupin!" Severus snapped as he turned away again to leave. "You better start heading back before they catch you being a disobedient mutt!"
Those words stung Remus. He didn't say anything in return, he did not let himself get too angry. After all, it was Snape who said it. The man had a temper and he expected those words from him. But why does it hurt so much?
"Severus, I don't…, can you just stay with me for a while?" Remus had no idea why he was asking this of the Potions Master. Especially when Snape seemed to despise Remus' presence. It was just a feeling inside of him to call out to the man.
The retreating Potions Master turned around slowly, glaring at him.
"Can we just talk for a while, I know you hate me and probably have better things to do, but I just need to forget, I need to be distracted..."
Snape studied him with those dark eyes. Remus felt himself flush under that mysterious dark stare. "Distracted from the memories?" he slowly said, his voice deep and full of understanding that was hidden underneath the scorn.
Remus frowned at the new memory of Kaylie and nodded.
The Potions Master stood over him. "I'm not your therapist, if that's what you're wanting."
"No, I'm not asking you to listen to me about what happened," Remus said.
"Then what do you want, Lupin?" Severus growled.
"Just be my friend for a few moments?" Remus whispered, afraid to look at Snape's reaction. It was strange to somehow depend on this man for comfort and friendship when throughout their teenage years Snape was always the target of his friends' pranks. But things were different now. No more was Snape that skinny dark teenager who was involved in the dark arts, no more was Remus a coward, afraid to stand up to his friends. No, they were both different, changed from the war years ago and the aftermath. Changed from the present upcoming war and the burdens they bare upon their shoulders, the losses they suffered and the pain they endured.
Severus looked taken aback, like the very idea of him being Remus' friend disgusted him. And it should, Remus thought. He sees the monster I am, he knows how dangerous I can be.
"You know, Severus, I wasn't in on that prank all those years ago, but I still feel guilty. I could had hurt you or turned you, even though it was Sirius' plan, the fault was entirely mine."
"Spare me the pity," Severus said sarcastically. To Remus' surprised though, he sat down next to him on the grass. Remus tried his best to not look surprise and grateful that he chose to keep him company.
Remus just tossed a stone into the lake, "you don't have to forgive me. Just know that it was a mistake and they should not have treated you like that."
Snape snorted, "Then why didn't you do anything to stop them?"
Remus shrugged. Because I was a coward, afraid to lose them as friends, afraid to be alone, afraid to realize that I'm not human…. He so badly wanted to say those words, to make Snape understand. But they were caught in his throat and couldn't choke them out.
"Why did you let them torment me? You disapproved of their antics. You knew what they were doing was wrong and yet you turned a blind eye! You are no better than Harry's aunt!" Severus shouted.
"What do you mean I'm no better than Harry's aunt?" Remus shouted. "I am nothing like Lily's sister. Lily was always in tears because of that woman!"
"Petunia Evans caused her sister pain, and she ignored her nephew when he was getting hurt just like how you ignored me when I was being tormented!" Severus shouted.
Remus looked at him, taken aback buy those words. He shook his head, feeling remorseful for his cowardly actions as a teenager.
"Severus I'm… look we were all just stupid kids. And what are you saying about Harry?"
"When you're done with your pity party here, go and visit the boy yourself!" Snape shouted, instantly standing up as if it burned him to be so near Remus.
"Where are you going?" Remus asked in alarm. He didn't want the Potions Master to leave. He didn't want to be in anyone's company and he didn't want to be alone either. He couldn't figure out why and the memories were now coming back from his time with Greyback.
Memories forcing their way in, forcing him to relive what happened and he couldn't handle it alone. He needed an anchor to hold him down so he wouldn't fall and before he knew it he was holding on to Snape's arm.
The words dark creature, monster, all the names he was called, the pain he went through hurting him physically and mentally was all coming back.
"Don't go," he whispered. "Please..."
Snape looked down at the werewolf. His cold black eyes seemed to be surveying the werewolf, piercing him with those soulless cold tunnels, as if he were reading his mind. Remus wondered if he was. He wished he can somehow block the chaotic emotions and memories, but he couldn't. Not against those eyes. For a second, Snape's eyes seemed to soften, but then they grew hard again, and he ripped his arm away from the werewolf's grasp.
"Get away from me, wolf! We have never been friends and we shall never be friends!" he snarled, ignoring Remus' hurt look and walked away.
Severus was fuming. The nerve of that wolf! To bring up hurtful childhood memories and apologize! Apologizing for his friends' actions but not taking the blame onto himself also! He let those idiots torture me! He just sat there with his nose in a book while I was bullied! And he dares to act so noble and kind as if apologizing to me was the noblest, greatest act ever! The nerve of that man! Severus ranted in his head as he stalked through the corridors, casting murderous glares at every direction. He didn't dare think about how he almost reached out to the wolf. How he almost wanted to comfort him as he watched him remember what happened under Greyback's clutches. He can still see the pain on Lupin's face, in his mind, making Severus angrier. Why do I care if he is upset? He is not my bloody problem! Severus thought as he finally reached Albus' office.
"That wolf has to go!" Severus shouted, as he barged into the headmaster's office, not bothering to knock or announce his arrival. He was too upset to act polite!
"Severus, a pleasure to see you, I was just going to pay you visit in fact!" Albus smiled from behind his desk.
Severus stopped dead in furious pacing. "Why?"
"I was just going to inform you that you will not have to take over the Dark Arts position after all."
Severus grew livid. He didn't know why. This was no surprise, they had talked about giving the werewolf the position, and of course he was upset about it but he didn't let it show. But after what had just happened, now that the mere sight of the wolf irritated him to no end, Severus was not going to hold back his anger and annoyance any longer.
"You're giving that werewolf the position! Albus, I've waited years for that position and you just cast me away like some dunderhead first year and give it to Lupin! Don't you remember how well that went three years ago?"
"Severus, you were perfectly fine with this idea. What has changed your mind so suddenly?"
"That werewolf is a fool, Albus, and if you can't see it, then you're a fool too. He had the audacity to apologize for his friends' actions but not apologize for his own! As if what he did was right! Nothing is worse than doing nothing to help a person who is in pain! Nothing! That wolf just let those idiots torture me, Albus! I won't have him here in this castle! Not with my son!"
Albus' eyes twinkled to Severus' displeasure. "Severus, you just have to learn to trust me. Just like when I had you take in Harry, you were doubtful it would work. And now look how you are with him now. The same thing applies for Remus. Just give him another chance, and with your monthly brew of wolfsbane, I trust that Remus will be alright here."
"How can you expect me to trust you, Albus? How? Especially with what you're making me do?"
"You just have to trust me."
Severus glared at him, his hands balled into fists and shaking.
"Severus, why do you care so much of what Remus says? If you truly hated him, then his empty apologies would mean nothing to you. Instead I can see that his words has shaken you. Why do you care so much?"
Severus thought of his words. He couldn't understand what he meant by those or even think up an etiquette response. So he ended up just taking a leaf out of Harry's book and said, "I don't bloody care about that werewolf, Albus!" he shouted, turning around to leave the office, he could feel the stupid twinkling blue eyes behind him and the knowing smile, but he chose to ignore that, slamming the door hard behind him. He stalked back to his quarters, vowing to himself that he will never think about bloody Remus Lupin or analyze the words and actions of Albus Dumbledore when it concerned that wolf!
A/N: So here is another chapter! Sorry for the late update I got caught up in the holidays and my finals. Now that I'm on vacation, hopefully I will be able to finish this story! I hope you all had a Merry Christmas and happy holidays to everyone! I was really surprised and happy to receive a lot of new followers. Thank you for reading my story and please tell me what you think about this chapter! =)
-Chase'sGirl19
Review Responses!
Bluewater5: Yeah but Harry is only a teen, he does trust too easily. And yeah I thought about having Snape just telling Harry but I thought it would give more to write about if that didn't happen ha-ha. Keep reading!=)
GryffindorGangster: Thank you for reading my story! I hope to hear from you again. And keep reading! Maybe in the end you will like Snape haha.
Laurenmk20: Yes I know but Severus has a lot of respect for Dumbledore. He knows Dumbledore is the one who is going to pull the wizarding world out of this war. And you know Harry and Severus will never live a happy life until Voldemort is dead =( so Severus is just going to have to trust the man. Thanks for reviewing! =)
Guest: Thanks for your review! I hope you enjoyed this chapter!
PotterGirl11: Thank you so much!=)
Sakraprace: Thank you so much for your reviews! And Sev has his reasons to not tell Harry, one being he promised Dumbledore. I guess we will have to wait to find out.
mindless: because Severus Snape is a very complicated man haha
TLJ110166: Thank you for the correction, I will look over chapter one again. =)