In Defiance of Memory

"It is done," Gharol sighed as she examined the sword with a keen eye. "All that I want to say may be read. I hope..." She took a deep breath and shook herself. Turning to Lily, she said, "Would you do something for me?"

"Anything," Lily eagerly replied. Her face was streaked with grime from the forge, and wet with sweat. They'd worked hard most of the day to put the finishing touches on the blade, pausing only briefly for a meal at mid-day.

"Chief Burguk has asked his brother to deliver this sword to our daughter," Gharol said evenly. "I... begged leave to do it myself, but he refused. In another day, he must take Shel to her father. He does not want me or Arob to venture beyond the walls of Dushnikh Yal without just cause. Arob may hunt in the company of her son, but a journey of this length..." She shook her head. "There should be enough here to defend the walls." A slight smile curved her mouth around her small tusks. "And he wishes me at his side when he returns."

"What do you need me to do?" Lily asked.

"He has suggested that you accompany Ghorbash," Gharol said frankly. "It is a journey that I believe will benefit you both. I agree with him. Will you do this for me? For us?"

Lily stiffened, and her eyes widened. "Leave Dushnikh Yal?" Her eyes darted to the tall wooden walls and the thick gates.

Gharol took hold of the younger woman's hand. "I believe you are ready," she said gently. "You left the safety of these walls and hunted at Ghorbash's side for a day, then you returned. I believe you may do so again, for even longer. If you find your courage in venturing forth, perhaps the stronghold will not seem like a prison." She smiled at Lily's incredulous expression. "Embrace your freedom, Lily. We do not hold you back, and they cannot hinder you any longer."

Lily took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Her day of hunting with Ghorbash had been liberating, she now realized; perhaps if she spent too long cowering behind the walls of Dushnikh Yal, the stronghold would become like a prison in time. Perhaps Gharol was right.

And Ghorbash would be at her side. That alone gave her the strength to nod agreement.

"Yes," she said, growing a little more confident. "I will accompany him. I would be proud to. And... perhaps it is what I need."

Gharol nodded. "Your fears will remain a burden until you face them, but you needn't face them alone. You are Blood Kin; Dushnikh Yal stands behind you." Smiling, she added, "But perhaps more meaningful to you is that you have Ghorbash's love. He will see that no harm comes to you."

Lily felt a strange giddiness in hearing Gharol's words, and grinned broadly. But just as quickly, her expression grew troubled. "I still... fear... being with him. Lying with him. What it... would feel like. If it would be different. And... what the folk here would think of me for... doing so."

Shaking her head, Gharol cupped Lily's cheek in her calloused, forge-worn hand. "Let no memories of your past plague your mind. It is past. It is over and done with. Cast into Oblivion any worries of condemnation for what you and Ghorbash feel for one another as well. If you desire him, none will disdain your pursuit."

"My mother would not agree," Lily sighed bitterly. "She would say... that I must save my 'treasure' for an important man," she murmured, tracing her fingers along the stonework of the forge. "One she selected, of course. One that was important enough to suit her. And whose influence would benefit her. She felt that my virginity was of great importance. Without it, I was... of no value. Not to a man, and not to her."

Gharol curled her lip with disgust. "Such things do not concern the Orsimer. They are unknown to Khajiiti. Foreign to the Argonians. Only humans and the other mer place any importance on taking first possession of a woman. We see a woman's body as being her own possession. You may share it with whom you like. Or whom you love. It is yours; it belongs to no one else."

Glancing up at Gharol, she asked quietly, "My treasure was taken. What have I left?"

Shaking her head, Gharol replied, "That is not the treasure. It is a bit of skin; that is all. The treasure you hold dear is your affection, your love, your heart and soul. These have far more value, and they are yours to give."

"But... what of my body?" Lily asked, arching her brow. "Is that not as important?"

"Not nearly," Gharol shrugged. "If you love, you may wish to invite your lover to partake. If you merely feel affection, you may do the same. It is your choice. Do what pleases you. If it would please you to lie with Ghorbash, you may do so. When you are ready."

Lily nodded slowly, her brow furrowed in thought. "I must face my fears," she mused half to herself. "That is one."

"When you are ready," Gharol repeated pointedly.

"Yes," Lily agreed. "When I am ready."

After the evening meal, which was a quiet affair with so few present, Ghorza approached Lily in the sleeping room.

"Burguk told me if I wished to return home, I may accompany you and Ghorbash tomorrow," she said. "I have decided to do this, if it is all right with you."

"Of course it is!" Lily cried, clasping her friend's hands. "Why ever wouldn't it?"

"Well," Ghorza said, a slight smile on her face, "I have seen how things have been changing with Ghorbash. I do not want to interfere."

"Oh goodness," Lily blushed, waving dismissively. Yet she smiled and ducked her head.

"I have not seen that look upon you in many months," Ghorza grinned. "Not since you dove into my forge to hide from your mother so she wouldn't know you'd snuck behind the temple with... what was his name? Ulfhelm?"

Scandalized yet amused, Lily shushed the Orc. Ghorbash's rather flippant description of the boy who'd given her a first kiss – wandering hands and poor skill – suddenly came to mind, and she giggled.

"That is good to hear," Ghorza remarked. "I believe I can leave you here with a clear conscience now. You have found a good home among my people."

"Indeed I have," Lily sighed. Her smile faded slightly. "Ghorza, I am so sorry about your home. Your family."

Nodding solemnly, Ghorza said, "I am... numb. Murbul's potions, no doubt." Chuckling humorlessly, she continued, "I do not want to tell Moth, nor do I want to come back and witness... but I must do both. Perhaps in two months, I may regain my strength and be able to face Urzog. Just now, I do not think I can."

Ghorbash entered the sleeping room then, and approached the women. "How fare you, Ghorza?" he asked.

"Well enough," she replied. "Have you... did you...?"

He nodded. "I've just been to bring him something to eat."

"Did he say anything?"

Sighing, Ghorbash said, "He wanted me to tell you that he regrets what he did. He does not expect you to be moved by that; he merely wanted you to know."

Ghorza nodded. "I am... glad of that. Thank you." Her expression sad, she turned away and lay down in her bed.

"I wish there was something I could do," Lily lamented quietly. Ghorbash reached up to touch her shoulder, then changed his mind and let his arm fall to his side.

"We will take her home," he said. "Her more honorable brother will be a comfort to her."

Lily pursed her lips to hide her grin. "Moth is such a tease. I never knew that about him until I went to their house."

"Yes, I imagine he is," Ghorbash laughed, recalling some of the smith's comments. Lily's smile was infectious, and he felt his grim expression softening. "We should get some sleep," he said, growing serious. "Tomorrow will be a long day. Are you certain...?"

"I am," Lily replied with conviction. "It is time I went out in the world again. I should not let the deeds of a few... dead men force me into hiding." She suppressed a shudder, then lifted her chin a little higher. "I am stronger than that."

A slow smile curved Ghorbash's mouth. "That you are, ma'Lily. And you will have me beside you."

"May I share your bed again?" she asked boldly.

Stammering like a youth, Ghorbash replied, "Y-yes, of course. Whatever you wish." He was quite taken aback, and very pleased. It would seem that his brother's assessment was right; Lily was recovering faster than he gave her credit. He was beginning to see some of what she was when she left the stronghold, before the Forsworn hurt her.

Ghorbash's grin was likely foolish as he led the way to the corner where his bed stood. Nagrub had already gone to sleep in the bed next to Ghorbash's; he'd had watch the night before, and was quick to take advantage of rest.

"How do you usually sleep, Ghorbash?" Lily asked softly so not to disturb Nagrub.

Startled, he shrugged. "I am not sure what you mean."

"Were I not here, would you wear clothing?" she clarified. The Orsimer wasn't quite sure what was behind her question, or if the odd tone of her voice was a warning.

"No," he finally answered.

"I... do not wish to... cause you discomfort," she said, and now she began to falter. It seemed that her earlier resolve could not weather what she was offering now. "If you want to... I..."

"ma'Lily," he breathed, cupping her cheek, "you are not ready for that."

Closing her eyes and bowing her head, she said, "I wish to be ready. I am frustrated, Ghorbash. I am surrounded by friends who care about me. Who want nothing more than to see me whole again." She looked up at him. "A man who has promised friendship and offered his love. I feel such a fool. And so ungrateful."

"If I am... unclothed beside you," he said in a low voice, "will you wake in the night and know it is me?"

Huffing with impatience, Lily decided now was the time to set Ghorbash straight. "Yes I will," she said firmly. "My thoughts of you were not..."

"I know you did what you had to...," he interrupted, and Lily's eyes flashed.

"Let me speak," she hissed, and Ghorbash was so startled his mouth shut tight. "Gharol was right; your mouth does work endlessly. Now you listen to me." She poked his chest with her forefinger. "My thoughts of you gave me strength. When the men were... when they... I thought of you holding my hand so that I could endure it. When I lay in the darkness waiting for the next one to come, I thought of you embracing me so that I did not feel so cold and alone. And when I despaired, thoughts of you strengthened my will to rise again, and live another day." Giving him a hurt look, she added, "I never put your face on Phane's, or any of them, not even for a moment. I... did not want to dishonor you."

Ghorbash's shoulders sagged. "I am sorry, ma'Lily," he said, ashamed. "If I could have been there..." He winced, then forced himself to look at her. "I am honored that... at least in some way, I was able to help you." Resting his hands on her waist, he leaned down and pressed his forehead to hers. "I love you, ma'Lily."

"And I love you," she whispered. "But you really must listen."

Her words electrified him, and he almost missed her admonishment. "ma'Lily,' he murmured fiercely, encircling her body with his arms and pulling her close. "I've longed to hear those words from you."

Before she could respond, his mouth was on hers, and she clung to the front of his shirt with both hands for balance. Her senses were overwhelmed; the world seemed to tilt and turn upside down. Then she realized he had lowered her onto his bed, and he was atop her. Lily stiffened and whimpered against his mouth, but forced herself not to protest. She expected his knee to part her legs, his hand to push up her skirt. She tensed, but he did neither. As though swimming to the surface of a deep pool, Ghorbash gradually withdrew, gasping for breath.

"ma'Lily," he breathed, "forgive me. I nearly lost myself."

She needed to catch her breath as well. When she could speak, she whispered, "You do not frighten me."

Chuckling, he shifted to lie beside her and rubbed his face with one hand. "I frighten myself, sometimes." Looking at her, he added, "It is a burden I must bear as well."

"What burden?" Lily asked.

"What was done to you," he said frankly. "I fear letting my passions engulf you as much as you do."

"I do not fear your passion," she insisted, though her brow furrowed with uncertainty. Ghorbash smiled wryly.

"An Orsimer is often... rough when he mates," he explained delicately. "We can be otherwise, but..." Shrugging, he said, "When I am with you, ma'Lily, I have such a strong need..." He shook his head sharply. "You should not hear this. I apologize for even beginning..."

"No, tell me," Lily insisted. "Keep nothing from me, Ghorbash. Not your love or your thoughts. Tell me."

Wincing in anticipation of her reaction, he looked away. "I... want you. I need you. Not just... this way. Thoughts of having you plague me. I want to... to be... inside you." He grimaced, ashamed of his lust and knowing it was a horror for her still. "It seems that... the more I love you, the more desperately I need to make love with you. And I love you more each day." Chuckling mirthlessly, he added, "So it is more difficult each day to hold myself in check."

"You... want...," she said haltingly. Swallowing, she continued in a quiet voice, "When I am with you, I feel safe. But that is not all I feel." A slight smile curved her lips. "You say you wish to be inside me. I want that, too. I have learned from the folk of Dushnikh Yal that a man's body is not always a weapon used against me, and that my body is not a vessel for another's use. All have told me the things I feel are not shameful. What I desire is natural. What happened before... was not my doing, and I should feel no shame for it."

"You shouldn't," Ghorbash agreed firmly. He took up her hand and kissed her knuckles. "I do not think of you... as a vessel. It is not simply... Yes, I want you. But not... It is more than that." Growling low with frustration, he said, "My words are my undoing, always."

"I think I understand," Lily said, her face smoothing with realization. "You cannot even speak of what happened to me, can you?"

"I do not want to cause you more pain by reminding you of it," he muttered.

"Yet you do," she said. "Ghorbash, when you reach for me and falter; when you embrace me, kiss me, touch me, then hold yourself back, you remind me. I had come to believe you could not continue because... you thought of me as soiled."

Shocked, he vigorously shook his head. "No! That is not what I think! I... I am...," he stammered, then sighed heavily. "I am afraid. You were badly abused, ma'Lily. They... used something against you that... I fear that when I approach you, you will think I do the same. Not because you mistake me for Phane," he quickly added when her brow furrowed, "but because... you think what I do is... similar."

"But it is not," she said gently. "I know it is not. Truly, it has been told to me many times here. By you, by Gharol, by Ghorza... Sooner or later, I was bound to believe it." She smiled a little. "I think... it is almost as though I am a virgin once more, for I have never been loved by a man." Gazing into his mismatched eyes, she whispered, "I want to be loved by you, Ghorbash."

"ma'Lily," he murmured, leaning forward and kissing her. His arms encircled her and held her close. For the first time, her arm slipped from between them and embraced him. She ran her hand over the taut muscles of his back and even ventured to his waist. His loose linen clothing was thin, and the shirt was not tucked into his trousers. Lily found her hand wandering, seeking contact with his skin beneath the shirt. As if by long habit, she halted and stiffened when she felt his hand at her knee clutching her skirts and inching them up.

She trembled but made no protest. I will face my fear, she told herself fiercely. He means me no harm. There is no shame in wanting this. It is not the same.

Yet when his hand passed over the scars on her thigh, the tally marks made by Phane, she flinched so strongly the spell was broken. She pulled away from Ghorbash and sat up, hugging her middle as though she would be ill. She yanked the skirt back down, hiding the marks from view.

"I am sorry, ma'Lily," Ghorbash said huskily, drawing deep breaths to calm himself. She shook her head.

"No, it is I who am sorry," she breathed. "I wanted to be ready for this. I wanted it! I want you."

He wrapped his arms around her, urging her to lean back against him. "You have me. You will always have me. Perhaps tomorrow. If not then, another day. I am not going anywhere, ma'Lily."

Sagging with resignation, Lily nodded. "You are a patient man, Ghorbash."

Chuckling, he kissed her shoulder. "I wish my commanding officer from the Legion could hear you. Many call me 'the Iron Hand,' but he called me 'the Hasty Skeever.'"

A laugh snuck out of her, and she hastily covered her mouth. Nagrub grunted in his sleep and shifted positions. Relieved not to have disturbed the other Orc, Lily relaxed in Ghorbash's arms, a smile on her face.

As the sun rose on Dushnikh Yal, Burguk watched the trio depart through the north gate. Arob stood vigil on the wall, her bow unslung and an arrow nocked. Her keen eyes scanned the lands to either side of the road Ghorbash, Lily and Ghorza travelled.

"When will Shel be fit to travel?" the chieftain asked. Murbul took a deep breath and let it out slowly as she considered.

"Another day, to be safe. She will need to rest frequently along the way."

Burguk nodded. "I am not looking forward to this," he confessed.

"Understandable," Murbul replied. "Larak is a barbarian."

"She has not only shamed him by her actions, but the chieftain of another stronghold," he mused. "He is not the kind to dismiss an offense he cannot hide behind his walls." Sighing, he shook his head. "I hope she is prepared for what punishment he deals out."

"It cannot be worse than what you chose," Murbul said. Eying her son, she added, "She curses you and your brother."

"Hmph," Burguk shrugged. "I am not concerned. Nor is he. The bitch has no teeth; I do not fear her bite." Glancing at the wise woman, he asked, "Do you think I did wrong? Was it too much?"

"Your father would have slain her," Murbul replied matter-of-factly. "You showed mercy. Do not be troubled."

Satisfied, he nodded. Gharol awaited him in the longhouse; they had a bit of unfinished business from the night before to attend to. Smiling, Burguk turned away from the gates and headed back to bed.