Disclaimer: I own NOTHING except my OC. Credit goes to the respective owners. I tried to make a sketch of what Ayame looks like so please see my profile for her picture and her bio.

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A/N: Reedited: 9/10/18

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Chapter XXI: Slipping Sanity

"Better a cruel truth than a wonderful delusion…"

-Edward Abbey-

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The Aogiri base Makoto told me was a small rundown warehouse located in an abandoned pier.

I could already imagine myself gorging on the remains of dead ghouls, sending shivers of apprehension and disgust throughout my body. Even though I kept telling myself to accept that this was the only way, a small part of myself still couldn't stomach the idea of killing nor even eating a being so similar to me, whether they were ghoul or human.

It was a common notion that eating your own kind was not programmed in the genetic make-up of a living being. I mean, even dogs wouldn't eat their own kind unless it becomes a matter of life or death. I had the option to not do it, since my life was not on the line but Kaneki and those important to me were so I had no choice.

I had already accepted it. After all, to kill is to protect.

"I scanned the perimeter. About three ghouls are guarding the area outside and ten more are inside the building. Mostly all of them are ranging from ranks C to B so we can assume the big bosses aren't here." Makoto eyed me worriedly as he spoke, something I still found awkward given that I had yet to fully know much about him except for the snippets of my memories.

It was still hard getting used to his presence. I had always believed that none of them survived, I had accepted it and yet when fate was kind enough to save him for me- I didn't know how to approach him. Is it because I wanted to numb myself? Having been led by many false hopes... I can't seem to believe in the good side of life these days.

Yet Makoto was all I had left of the 'me' before. The living proof of what I am and who I was. I didn't want to lose those memories too.

"Are you up for this, Ayame? Like I said you have the chan-,"

"I'm ready." I cut him off, wanting to hear no more last time offers of backing out. I already agreed to this and we were running out of time, I had to be strong enough to protect everyone, I need the power and this is the only way given the small time we have before the inevitable. I can already tell that everyone is worried sick about me and I wish I could tell them I was alright but I had no means to contact them.

The journey back to the 20th ward would have been fast and a quick reminder to tell them I was alright would have been enough but like I said, we were pressed for time. Every minute counted and just the smallest lapse of wasted second might be catastrophic. Besides, even if I did go, knowing Kaneki, he'd dissuade me the moment I mentioned the idea of becoming a kakuja. I know he means well but… he has to understand that he shouldn't shoulder everything on his own. If even a little… if this means I can protect everyone too…

I wish they would understand. If I finally get this abomination of a power for them then maybe Makoto is right, for the sake of those I love- becoming a kakuja was the only way to go on par with Aogiri and that woman.

"Wait for my signal. I know you still can't use your kagune due to the effects of the gas so I'll do the hunting. I'm sure the nourishment from the ghouls will jumpstart the Rc Cells in you, so for now, lie in wait and maybe take some pointers while you're at it." Makoto reminded but just as he was about to jump, I stopped him.

"Thank you, but why go this far for me? I mean, I understand we're siblings and all but we-," I tried to ask before a reassuring pat on the head made me look up to see his dark violet eyes turning red and black, a small smile gracing his lips.

It was an unusual gesture. My memories never pegged him to be this kind. When we were at the Tsukiyama's mansion, he even flicked me on the forehead. Is it because he wanted to atone for those times he had gone missing? I didn't know. But one thing was for certain, this side of him was- surprisingly - very warm.

"I failed as a brother then, I won't fail again to protect you. You lost a lot and I'm not planning to let you lose more. I know the painful feeling of it and if I can do anything to make sure you don't go through it again then I'd do anything. Remember that." He said as he jumped from the roof of the warehouse, kagune poised and ready to attack.

Several shouts of alarm resounded in the warehouse and I watched in both awe and fear at his prowess, his precision with the use of his kagune and how he killed nearly half of the ghouls within the vicinity. Excitement marred his features, like a lion enjoying his hunt as each ghoul who dared rise up to him where cut off like rag dolls.

"Everyone retr- guhaww!" One of them tried to order before Makoto's kagune pierced through him like tofu and ripped him apart- making me nearly heave. It was a sight I was not accustomed to and a sight I want to forget ever since the incident at the restaurant.

"And yet it's the only way." I murmur to no one but myself, trying my best to not look away no matter how horrifying the sound and sight of bloodied bodies and screams echoed in the warehouse.

I had to come to terms that I would always be seeing this kind of scene happen before my eyes. The only thing keeping me sane was the thought that all of this was for those I love. My own weakness and incapability to protect others was what caused this tragedy and killing my enemies before they kill the ones I love is the only way to protect everyone.

"Ayame." Makoto only said and I took that as my cue to jump down the building and walk to the carnage. Decapitated heads, bodies with missing limbs and blood coated the warehouse. Makoto stood at the center, his eyes gleaming red and his kagune glowing in deep and ominous violet. Blood coated his body, the image of what a ghoul would look like after a hunt burning in my brain, showing me the image of what I would become if I took the path.

I took the image in, my mind barely wavering as I collapsed on my knees to the ground, the scent of blood permeating in the building. I could feel the liquid on my skin as I dipped my finger in it, the feeling of taking it into my mouth revolting yet frightening. Could I do it? Could I really give up my humanity and become a kakuja? The thought alone made me cringe. The sight of blood… I didn't want it but it was either them or everyone I loved. The silence was palpitating as I slowly placed my bloodied hand near my lips.

I cringed at the taste, it was like I was drinking spoilt milk. I gagged at the taste as I swallowed my bile and licked my hand clean all the while Makoto was watching me worriedly.

"I didn't think that we tasted that bad." I tried to make a light joke as I gagged again when I scooped up the blood and drank it all in while coughing and heaving, tears running down my face at my pitiful state.

"But it's for them… so I have to do it. I don't want to lose anyone anymore." I cried just as I was about to grab an arm. Everything went dark for a second just as I took the mutilated hand, making me flinch at my sudden blindness.

"Just hold your nose while you eat. It works just the same to block out the taste. I'm sorry if this is all I can do. I want to help you too but my strength alone isn't enough against the entire Aogiri. Just don't forget that no matter what, I'll always be here to help." I heard him whisper in my ear while feeling him secure the blindfold he had covered my eyes with.

So he did know that I was still apprehensive about all of this. But even so I still had to push through with it because it was either this or my friend's lives. But I was still scared to do it, to eat a flesh so similar to my own. They may have taken lives too but these people must have something worth fighting for like me. So to take away their chance… I just felt guilt and disgust for what I was doing.

This was all wrong but it was choosing the lesser evil and this was my choice. I had also thought that every memory in my past before I had met my foster family was a lie. A world full of death and abandonment. Ever since Tsukiyama, that was when I thought that my past was never worth it if all it meant was getting those in my present hurt.

I didn't think I'd find Makoto in it though. The brother I barely knew of. I thought he was no different than them but it turns out he wasn't. He came back and he did what he could to atone for what he had done. He had saved me from Aogiri, he had offered me this choice and even though it was nearly impossible for me to do- he read me like a book. He knew what I wanted and he helped me to achieve it. This blindfold was proof of it, he knew I was scared of the sight… it was the only thing he could do and all I can do for him is to show him my resolve.

"Are you ready?" He asked me, the sound of ripping echoing in the background. It was less traumatizing when I wore the blinds and even if I knew what he was tearing apart, it was still comforting to know that this blindness was enough to prevent me from flinching in disgust.

"Here." Was all he said before I felt something wet and sticky on my hands. Cringing at the feeling yet swallowing my bile, I nodded to my brother (hoping he did see me nod) and with a gulp of air, covered my nose and gorged at the meat my brother handed to me. I nearly heaved the contents out of my mouth but I persisted and swallowed it before gasping, the aftertaste of the meat making me cry for a glass of water in my mind. It was like chewing raw pig intestines that were left to decay for three days. The thought made me dry-heave, I could feel my brother patting me gently on the back.

"Just take it easy."

"N-no! Give me another one. I can't risk another minute l-like this. I-I have to save everyone." I gasped and felt for the ground for any meat. It was either this or my friends' lives. I would rather eat a whole truck of these if it means saving them from Aogiri. I'm not going to allow my weakness nor my incompetence to be the cause of someone dying before me again.

After feeling on the blood soaked ground, I felt something brush from my fingertips and I grabbed the meat, taking a mouthful of it before realizing I forgot to hold my breath and ended up nearly gagging at the taste of rotten vegetables coating my tongue. I gripped the meat tightly in my hand and swallowed it before biting onto the meat again. Tears streamed down my eyes as I gorged on more of the meat. I continued the feast the more my tears fell, before long I stopped and choked back, a wavering smile plastering my lips as I laughed yet cried.

"I must be losing it. Why is it that the more I eat the less I taste it? I thought I should be happy and yet… am I becoming a monster?" I cried. I thought that losing the taste of the meat would be good but the more I got used to it, the more I realized that the moment I had gotten used to eating…

That was when it dawned on me that I had gotten used to eating the flesh of a ghoul.

It took me three meals to realize it, the horrid reality of what I was becoming. The inescapable fate I had now placed on myself. I kept repeating my mantra that 'to kill is to protect…' in my head, knowing that this was the only thing close enough to keep me from losing my mind at the thought that I was already immune to eating ghoul meat. The taste no longer mattered, no matter how coarse or dry it felt to the tongue. It felt as if my mind had blocked out the taste, making it possible for me to make it past the feast without throwing up.

"Ayame." By the time Makoto had called me, I was already at the second body. I froze at his voice, the bright light taking over my eyes and I blinked before my eyes widened at the sight of Makoto standing in front of me, his eyes laced with worry.

"For a second-," He stopped halfway before I realized what he meant and I dropped the meat I was holding, the shock only registering now. Somewhere along the line, I had failed to notice the blinds come loose, for that to have happened without me noticing-

That was when I snapped.

"I-I-," I tried to say but what could I have said. It was plain as day. I was nearly consumed and along the way I had eaten nearly half of the corpse to only realize it. I thought the realization of losing the taste was bad enough but to have nearly lost myself along the way to the point I could even eat them without the blinds…

"We should stop. Rest for now and this time I mean it." Makoto's voice brought me back to reality before I felt something cold touch my finger. I looked at the bottle of water and back up to Makoto, my body frozen at what nearly happened to me. My weakness nearly consumed me to the point that I had lost myself and craved more power.

"I'm sorry, Makoto. Gods, I-," I tried to choke out. It was always my weakness that got to me. My incapacity to use my kagune to protect those around me. I wanted nothing more but a peaceful life and yet I can't seem to achieve it. It always slips by from my fingers. I don't know why it always seems to happen so fast. It's like life just won't give me a break and throws all of these at me just to watch me break.

"Even though ghouls are not meant to eat each other, we still do it. Why? Because it's a nature of every living being to want to seek power. Power over others, power to break free from oppression, and power to protect others… We all yearn to achieve it. It's only natural and for that power we gain, a sacrifice is made to achieve it. You shouldn't fear what you are doing for others, Ayame. What you should fear is not doing anything at all." Makoto said to me as kneeled down to my level, my eyes staring into familiar violet ones.

"Haven't you said it before? Didn't you make this decision already? To kill is to protect, isn't that what you kept telling yourself? So see it to the end because those who don't will sink into an even deeper despair than those who did." He added, causing me to grip the water bottle in my hand tightly, tears beginning to fall down my face. How many times have I always cried like this? Always questioning my decisions and in the end regretting why I had never done it sooner. I couldn't help it really, I've lost so much already that I couldn't bear to lose more.

I just want to go back to those days.

"I want to it to stop raining now… I want to see the sun rise where all of them are safe and sound. Even if I can't go back, at least don't let me lose this last solace I have left." I murmur just as the doors open and both Makoto and I immediately rise up to see two figures by the entrance. My eyes widened at the sight of Yoshimura-san and Yomo-san, both of whom were surprised as well to see us.

"We heard there was a slaughter here but Ayame-," Yoshimura-san was about to say before I tackled him, hugging him tightly as I cried in relief at seeing them both.

"A-Ayame? I had heard from Kaneki and Touka that you had been kidnapped. I sent Irimi and Koma to look for you and yet how?"

"It was Aogiri… they killed them, Yoshimura-san. Mom, dad, and Yukiko-nee… Aogiri took them all away and now they'll go after Kaneki next, they're going to take them all away!" I cried, failing to notice the increasing crease of worry on Yoshimura-san's face when I had said the name Aogiri.

"So it is them…" I heard him whisper before I felt a hand on my forehead and looked up to see Yoshimura-san looking down on me with his kakugan.

"As you've said… Kaneki might be in danger." Yoshimura-san could only say, my eyes widening at having the truth being told to me twice. I quickly turned to my brother, his eyes warily looking at Yoshimura-san and Yomo-san before relaxing when he saw me looking at him.

"This is my real brother, Himura Makoto. He was the one who saved me from Aogiri." I introduced quickly, noticing Makoto give them a light bow, both Yoshimura-san and Yomo-san returning the gesture.

"He's the one helping me how to become a kakuja..." I added slowly earning me both surprised looks from them.

"Kakuja?" Yomo finally spoke before he noticed my bloody appearance and the sight of several decapitated ghouls decorating the warehouse. Worry was evident on their faces before Yoshimura-san turned to Makoto who was behind me.

"You've told her the repercussions?" He asked but I was the one who answered.

"He did and I'm fully prepared to take that burden. I… I don't want to lose Anteiku and everyone in it. I'm tired of only watching. The peaceful days I want won't be easily solved if I did nothing. For me, to kill is to protect." I explained to them. I expected a rebuke from them, really. Imagine to my surprise when I received a reassuring pat on the head from Yoshimura-san and a simple nod of approval from Yomo-san.

"You've been raised well. Maybe had I been more like your father then…" Yoshimura-san trailed off before he just shook his head, a longing look settled in his eyes before he turned serious again.

"Now that this has been taken care of, we have to return to Anteiku now. Kaneki-kun needs out help." Yoshimura-san explained but he didn't have to tell me. I knew fully well what my answer would be.

"I'm coming with-,"

"You are staying." Makoto cut me off, his gaze settling onto my surprised eyes at what he had just said. H-He wants me to stay behind?

"But you heard Yoshimura-san! Kaneki needs help we have to-,"

"Assuming we make it in time then what? Can you fight? You couldn't even kill all these ghouls without my help." He pointed out while spreading his hands as if gesturing to the whole bloody aftermath he had created which made me frown at what he had said.

"B-but I… not again. Please don't make me have to do it again!" I argued back at him, my violet eyes blazing in desperation. Not again, I don't want to have to sit here and do nothing again. If I do nothing then once again I'll end up…

"You'll end up losing all of them too~" Her voice giggled in my mind making me close my ears with my hands, trying to drown out her taunts.

"I-I have to go…"

"You're being reckless, Yoshimura and Yomo can take-,"

"No! I have to go... I need to go." I shouted back, my kakugan activating just as I felt my kagune explode from my back, fiery blackish-violet wings blazing wildly like fire.

"If you don't hurry…"

"If I don't hurry then… then…" I panicked, her voice echoing in my mind, repeating the same twisted words over and over again like a broken record. She's going to break them just like what she did with mom, dad and Yukiko-nee. She's going to take everything away from me again…

"Then prove to me that you can kill. Remember what I told you? An even deeper despair will only befall those who leave halfway, Ayame. If you beat me here then I'll let you go." Makoto egged me on, enough for me to momentarily regain composure as my eyes widened at his proposition.

"Are you insane?! I can't kill you!"

"But you have no choice. If you can't kill me then who's to say you can protect them?" Makoto countered, his kagune on the ready as we stood face to face. Yoshimura-san and Yomo stood by the sidelines, watching with worried glances at our sight.

"I'll think of something so please just let me-," I didn't have enough time to finished before his kagune shot out and missed me purposely by a few inches taking me by surprise.

"The enemy won't wait for explanations. They won't even wait for expressions. For you to have missed me try to make a move on you… Aogiri would have already killed you before you even opened your eyes. You can't save him like this Ayame." He said before lunging again and this time I dodged but only to slip on the blood and nearly got impaled by his kagune before my own had blocked it.

"Stop it, Makoto! Y-you're not the enemy so I won't fight you." I retorted and rolled again before another kagune could impale me. I don't understand why he couldn't let me go. Not only that, it's like his moves were really intent on killing me. But why? I don't understand at all…

"Is dodging all you can do, Ayame? Are you running away again?" Makoto taunted me, enough to make me pause before I felt a sharp stab on my arm and I screamed in pain. It was like my arm had been cut off with a dull saw. I could feel tears stream down my face, my wounded arm lying limply as I watched Makoto loom closer, his kakugan pulsing nightmarishly at me making me back up to the wall. I don't understand… what happened to the Makoto I was with a while ago? The man before me… I don't know him.

"Ara, Aya-chan. You're going to get killed~" I could hear her whisper in my ear, her voice sickeningly sweet as if enjoying a wonderful scene presented before her.

"I won't." I argued back.

"He's not stopping~ He'll kill you and then I'll be free to kill them!" She giggled, making me shiver at the thought of dying yet failing to protect any of them from her. If died then she'll kill them… If I die then… then…

"H-he won't kill me. I won't- I won't let you kill them." I stuttered in my mind, my voice barely stable enough to sound firm.

"But you can't even fight. You'd purposely let him kill you just like that? Such a weak pathetic little c-o-w-a-r-d-,"

"Shut up! I'm not… I won't… can't… ENOUGH!" I yelled at the figure in my head, my tail-like kagune thrashing as I desperately stared at Makoto. I can't die… if I die then they'll die. I don't want them to die, I don't want anyone I love to die a meaningless death…

"So please don't…" I cried, grasping at my chest tightly as I felt my blazing wings wrapping me in a warm embrace of assurance. It was unusually warm, it's pulse like a heartbeat lulling me to sleep- whispering for me to rest and that everything would be alright.

It murmured promises of a future I could have with everyone as I was dragged to unconsciousness.

-3rd Person POV-

Makoto dodged the tail that aimed mercilessly for his chest.

He had only meant to lecture her about the meaning of recklessly charging in without a plan. He hadn't thought that her desperation to not lose any more people around her was this deep. He really is a terrible brother for not noticing this sooner. He jumped away from the other tail that tried to grab him, using his own kagune to block the other strike.

"It looks like the kakuja has awakened." He heard Yoshimura say and he turned to see both of them walking into the fray as well, both had steady gazes of worry as they looked at her Ukaku begin to throb before it started wrapping her in a cocoon like embrace, her eyes rolling up as her consciousness slipped into oblivion due to the toll and stress from her little outburst.

"Be careful, Makoto." Yoshimura warned him just as a tail lashed out and they all jumped to dodge in time. Her Ukaku started to turn almost liquid-like, wrapping her in a pulsing violet-black armor that reached till her waist. The liquid-like substance also started making its way to her head, covering half her face in a hardened armor-like mask. Pointed ears like a dog's formed on her head just above her real ears.

It was almost like her armor resembled a huge dog.

"Gyaaaahh… make it stop… make her stop…" Her voice gurgled out as she screamed in agony, her body ducking on all fours as several more of her foxlike tails exploded from her lower back. Makoto's eyes widened at the sheer number of her kagune, all six tails out in the open.

"We have to stop her, Yomo." Yoshimura instructed causing Yomo to activate his kakugan. Ayame remained motionless as if anticipating a strike. The moment Yomo's foot raised and made contact with the blood-stained floor, Ayame's head quickly looked up and growled, her voice feral like a rabid animal.

"Gh…" Yomo gritted his teeth when he caught her kagune with his bare hands. Ayame used the chance and lifted him high into the air, intending to slam him to the ground but Yomo jumped just in time. Makoto used the distraction and swiftly jumped behind her but her tail raised itself just in time to block his attack.

"Stay back." Yoshimura instructed causing both Makoto and Yomo to stand aside as he released his kagune, causing Makoto to widen his eyes at the sight of that familiar kagune.

"The one-eyed owl?!" He thought in surprise before jumping up to follow Yomo who had fled behind Yoshimura.

"Ayame, can you hear me?" Yoshimura called out, causing Ayame's head to tilt to where the voice was coming from, saliva dripping down her chin as she breathed heavily in the cold afternoon.

"Y…mura….n" She managed to say before they could see tears leaking from underneath the kakuja mask.

"Sav… me… Yoshi…san…Yomo…n…Kane…Hide…Nii-san…" She begged before jumping into a hysterical laughter that echoed in the empty warehouse, her body convulsing as her voice switched from laughing to crying and then back again as if she was slipping out sanity. Fits of screams and wails of begging continued to echo in the room, Makoto watching in horror at the plight of his sister.

This was all his fault.

He had thought she could overcome it and yet he didn't realize that what she had put up was a façade. Her desperation had driven her to this and it made him hate himself at not realizing this sooner. He was her brother and yet he could only watch helplessly at the sight of his sister, all covered in blood and laughing like a mad man. He could stop her if he could but her movements were unpredictable. If he went all out, he might accidentally end up killing her.

And yet that was the only way to stop her.

She was asking to be saved. As the insanity of the kakuja tried to eat her up, she still had the sanity to utter those words. It took him by surprise that for the first time since they had reunited, she had actually called him nii-san. He had been gone for too long and it was because of that that she had suffered so much tragedy as she grew up. His incapability to protect her is what led them to this now.

"She doesn't blame you, Makoto." Makoto's head looked up to see the one-eyed owl himself glance at him, a light smile gracing his lips as if encouraging the young man.

"She begged for you as well, didn't she? I've watched over her this whole time and all she ever wanted is to protect everyone she loves. I know the feeling well but to strive for it alone is not an easy task. She'll need you so as her older brother, be her support." He added before turning to where Ayame stood, her hunched back looking down hungrily at the sight of the bodies decorating the floor.

"Stronger…get stronger…cannot die…save him…save them…Ahhhhahahahahahaha." She rambled on before erupting into another fit of hysterical laughter her teeth sinking into the flesh she had grabbed from the floor.

"Ayame." Her head perked up to the sound of her name before a strong force knocked her down, her scream of agony echoing into the warehouse as Makoto's nine tails pinned her six tails, the other three holding down her body as it tried to thrash wildly to break free.

"I have faith you can make it out of this insanity. You told me yourself, didn't you? That you will not become like her." Makoto called out to his sister, the girl pausing to his words before a hysterical laugh erupted from her mouth and then she started sobbing again, shifting between the two emotions as her bloodied hands tried to crawl out of the kagune that impaled her to the ground.

"Let…me…go…I…nee…save…let…me…die….." She choked out, saliva dripping down her mouth as her nails broke from the immense pressure she used to try and claw at the solid ground.

"Die? Do you really want to die, Ayame? Will you die peacefully knowing they could still be out there to hurt those you love? Tell me, Ayame- was your resolve really this weak? Will you always lock yourself in this cage of false lies you built up?" Makoto rambled on, whether his sister was listening or not he didn't know but he had to let it out.

That even within this insanity, his voice could still reach her.

"So stop looking back. Stop thinking you can make your happy pasts a reality in the future. So face forward, Ayame! Walk out of that cage you locked yourself in!" Makoto shouted out, causing her to freeze, her bloodied and damaged hands clenching itself into fists as her gurgled hysteria formed into a loud wail of agony.

"I…miss…them…all of them…I miss…the wonderful...bright…past…I hate this present…this tragedy I can't undo…getting stronger…is all I can do…" Her somewhat coherent voice spoke out, her hands beginning to reach out into an empty space as if trying to reach out for something.

"And yet all we can do is look forward, Ayame. So please, come out of that cage. It may not be a wonderful future but you still have other people waiting here for you. The dead will watch over us so for them all we can do is mourn but the living… they're still here…waiting. Just as you're afraid to lose us, we are afraid to lose you too. So please… don't leave me alone too…" Makoto nearly begged, taking his sister's hand into his as he gripped it tightly, hoping she had heard…because it was all he could do for her.

Pray and hope she would make it out of this.

-To Be Continued-

To those who are still there, thank you for being patient! I'll make sure to make it up to you guys.