2018 has barely started and I'm already barely holding on but I'm glad I was able to get this done.

I just wanted to apologise to all you beautiful and patient readers for the fact that this chapter look so long. This was an unexpected haitus and the longest I've ever taken since writing this and I hope that the fact that this chapter is nearly 5k words long makes up for the fact that you've had to wait for so long.

I reckon with fic will conclude in two more chapters so we're really close to the end!

P.s This fic is pretty angsty (I may have self projected) and TW! mentions of panic attacks and mild self harm.

"Keith"

Keith hummed in response, not looking up from his notebook as he scribbled down thoughts and check lists ready for when he went back to work in the new year. He had successfully survived Christmas, though he was now physically and emotionally shattered, and he was now happily sitting on the sofa enjoying the serene comfort that was Lance's presence.

"We need to talk"

His head snapped up and he stared at Lance. Lance sat curled up at the end of the sofa looking at Keith; his voice was solemn, his expression tired and his eyes shone with sadness and what Keith thought looked like pity.

Oh God. Oh God, please no! Lance please don't do this. Please… Don't confirm my deepest fear. I've just spent months trying to fight against my feeling that I'm not good enough for you. Told my self-deprecating thoughts that they were wrong, tried desperately not to believe in my worthlessness. If this happens I would have been right and then I won't know to believe anymore.

A broken sob passed Keith's lips and he watched Lance's face change into shock as he took in Keith's broken expression. He wanted to laugh bitterly; what did Lance expect? That he would take his crumbling world with his chin held high? With a dry eye and a calm voice? He's had to do that one too many times already.

"Shit!" Lance said jumping up in alarm as Keith angrily wiped away his tears. "Shit! Shit, no! Shit I didn't…"

He pulled Keith onto his lap and cradled him tightly against his chest. Keith wanted to push away, he really did, he wanted to hold a semblance of dignity and he didn't want Lance's pity, but that's not what he did; instead he broke down. He clung onto Lance's sweatshirt and buried his face into his shoulder trying to choke back his tears, though the soft stroking of a hand on his back was making it difficult and he could just about hear what Lance was muttering in his ear.

"I didn't mean it like that, oh God Keith I'm so sorry. I just…you've just been kinda off for a while and I just wanted to ask you what was wrong" Lance's voice sounded like it was on the verge of tears too and he sounded so frustrated with himself as he ran a hand through Keith's hair.

"I wanted to help. God I'm such an idiot! Lo siento Keith; perdoname por favor perdoname"

The utter relief that coursed through his body was so overwhelming it caught him off guard; the tears pouring down his cheeks doubled and when he opened his mouth a shocked almost hysterical laugh tumbled past his lips. Lance froze for a second at the unexpected sound and the violent way Keith's shoulders shook against him before he continued stroking Keith's hair; whispering soothing words in a worried voice as Keith wetly laughed.

After a few minutes Keith mustered enough energy to push against Lance's chest and sit upright; his eyes were wide, shining wetly as they darted around taking in Lance's face. His cheeks were splotched red and his tears had carved paths into the concealer under his eyes. Keith's lips were chapped and swollen from his attempts at holding back his sobs and they were trembling as deranged chuckles continued to fill the air.

"You just wanted to help" Keith whispered disbelievingly, closing his eyes as he tilted his head back shaking it slowly. "Of course, you fucking did"

"Please Keith" Lance said softly, his voice thick with emotion as he clung tightly onto the hands pushing against his chest "Please don't be mad, I'm so sorry"

Keith's head snapped forward as he registered Lance's words and he stared at the man incredulously.

"I'm not mad, you asshole!" He snapped but his voice had no bite to it "I'm fucking relieved!"

"Oh god" Lance pulled Keith back into a tight embrace; burying his face into Keith's neck. He suddenly understood why Keith couldn't stop laughing; his own relief causing his to feel deliriously happy.

He pulled away again and cupped Keith's face tenderly taking in his small smile before he kissed him feverishly. They broke away for air but Lance quickly began to place small tender kisses all over Keith's face, catching the salty tears that still rolled down his cheeks until Keith huffed a small chuckle.

"Fuck. I can't believe I phrased it like that" Lance whispered, his thumb stroked Keith's cheek gently. "Que idiota soy"

"Heh, yeah" Keith huffed rubbing a fist into his eyes that were beginning to feel dry and sore from the tears; when he dropped his hand, Lance stared frowning.

Keith had inadvertently removed his concealer and was revealing a secret he was probably trying very hard to keep. They could ignore it; pretend it was puffiness from the crying but the sunken look of Keith's eyes told a different story. Lance looked at Keith's face, really looked, and saw that Keith looked thinner; the angles of his face protruding in a way that was not quite healthy, and his skin was paler, even his hair had lost its shine.

Lance dropped his hands and instantly grabbed Keith's arm; pushing up his sleeve before Keith could even think to protest. His grip slacked and his frown deepened; Keith gently removed his arm, pulling down the sleeve before cradling it to his chest in an attempt to hide it but Lance had already seen. Seen the angry red scratches that marred the inside of Keith's arms, seen how some were so deep they had scabbed and he knew, he knew exactly what they were because they had adorned his own body one too many times before. Anxiety is a bitch and Lance had to know what was eating away at Keith's mind and now his body.

"Baby, please tell me what's going on" Lance asked softly; Keith refused to look from the spot on the sofa he'd been staring at guiltily.

"I'm fi-"

"Keith." He flinched as Lance cut him off then scowled harshly down at his hands worrying his bottom lip. Suddenly he put in head in his hands and groan loudly fuelled with anger.

"Shit!" Keith screamed into his hands "Fucking shit!"

Lance sat there waiting for Keith to continue to talk, the sudden outburst of fury didn't faze him at all; he knew how it felt to try and explain your thought when your body has been coursing with self-directed anger for too many days. Keith dragged his hands down his face then back up into his hair; pulling on the strands slightly before sighing and finally turning to face Lance.

"I'm just so mad! And frustrated! I'm exhausted and so fucking scared! I'm losing control of my life and it's just going to end up with one less person being in it!" His voice cracked; sounding exasperated and broken but his eyes remained dry albeit wild as they flitted around Lance's face. Lance tentatively reach out a hand and began to soothingly rub Keith's back encouraging him to continue.

"I mean things have been going so well for us; I've got a bunch of my shit at your place for Christ's sake! And I don't want to slow down but what if…what if we keep going and I…give you everything and you come to the inevitable conclusion that I'm not what you want…just like everyone else did."

Lance's heart aches as he listens to the confession but doesn't get a chance to comfort Keith before he's talking again.

"You deserve the world Lance and I want to give it to you, but you've got to come to the realisation that the world you deserve doesn't have me in it. Hunk and Shay are having a kid now and I know just how excited you are for it and I've seen how good you are with children it's obvious that's what you want so I have to be a temp until you find the girl you want to be your-"

"Keith stop" Lance said softly placing his hands on either side of Keith's face and turn it to face him; Keith's mouth snapped shut and he stared. "Do I not get to choose who joins me in the world I deserve?"

"But I'm such a mess, why would you keep me? I'm so broken" Keith mumbled as Lance unconsciously squished his cheeks together.

"So am I" Lance retaliated with a shrug "But luckily there's kintsugi"

"Huh?"

"To repair with gold-" Lance said matter of fact before pressing his forehead against Keith's and smiling gently- "and understanding that it's more beautiful for having been broken"

"You're beautiful Keith. You've gone through shit, but you've picked yourself up, put yourself back together and you deserve all the love and happiness that you seem to think you don't"

"But what about kids?" Keith whispered; his lips brushed lightly against Lance's as their faces were so close together. He wanted to believe he really did but he was still scared, he felt Lance sigh softly.

"I don't go out with guys to kill time until I find a woman to have a family with Keith; that's not how being Bi works"

"I know but…"

"I'd want to have a family with whoever I fall in love with and I'll fall in love with who I fall in love in" Lance placed a soft kiss against Keith's cheek then moved his lips until they were brushing against his ear "And why would go looking for someone else when I'm pretty sure I found the one already"

"What?" Keith started, pulling his face away from Lance and staring in shock as Lance grinned shyly at him.

"I think I'm in love with you Keith" Lance whispered tucking a strand of Keith's hair "and you don't have to say it back, though I won't lie, that would be nice, but I think it's time you knew"

"You love me?" Keith asked incredulously and Lance chuckled slightly but nodded, "I love you too"

"Wait, what?" Now it was Lance's turned to stare in shock. Keith burst out laughing and Lance quickly followed; they hugged tightly, giggling as they placed kisses across each other's faces.

"So will you stop trying to push your way out of my world?" Lance asked before smirking "Cos you're kinda it"

"That's so cheesy" Keith chuckled "but I'll try, I just get scared"

"I know, me too, but we can do this together" Lance squeezed Keith a little and they smiled at each other, relishing in the sense of peace that overcame them.

"Hey so do you think you'd be up for going to the new years party?" Lance asked after a few minutes of silence "I can't imagine how shit the holidays have been for you and oh God that baby shower must have been the fucking worst!"

"Yeah" Keith agreed with a nod.

"God and here we were thinking that would help you; we probably just made it worse" Lance shook his head sadly before taking a breath a continuing, "anyway, Shiro and Allura will be there this time round so there's that"

"Also I think it'd be a good way for us to flip the bird to all the shit that happened this year and go into the next one together, all of us, as one big family"

Keith hesitated for a second before answering cautiously, "Yeah okay"

"No-one is going to leave or forget you Keith, not if we have a say in it" Lance hugged Keith a little tighter "We're all in this together"

"Oh God please don't start singing high school musical" Keith said laugh softly.

"Well I wasn't going to" Lance chuckled, smirking at Keith deviously "But if you insist"

"No God, please don't!" Keith clamped his hands over Lance's mouth as he took a deep breath in. "I promise I'll go just please don't sing"

Lance pulled Keith's hands away from his mouth laughing, "Deal."

It had been a cosy Sunday; hours spent cuddling, watching shows on Netflix and just generally enjoying each other's company. Early evening came around and Keith was lying across Lance's sofa, his favourite book in one hand and the other placed comfortably behind his head; he listened to Lance fretted around the apartment and he knew it would soon be late enough for Lance to insist on them to get ready for the New Year's party.

"Babe?" Lance called from the bedroom; right on cue, Keith thought.

"Hmm?" Keith hummed in acknowledgement as he turned the page of his book.

"Keith?" Lance called out again and Keith could hear his footsteps making their way down the hall to the living room.

"Yes, Lance?" He said, a little louder than before, his eyes still trained on his book. After a couple seconds he felt Lance lean against the back on the sofa.

"Sweetheart, honey, baby" He heard Lance coo then suddenly his book was ripped from his grip. "Sweet cheeks, munchkin, cutie pie, sugar li-"

"Ok stop doing that" Keith squeezing Lance's cheeks together to stop him from speaking "You have my attention so please stop listing all the pet names you know"

"Oh muffin those aren't all the ones I know" Lance's grin was squished under his fingers but Keith could still see the devious intent behind it. Suddenly Lance launched himself over the sofa to straddle Keith's hips, narrowly missing kneeing him in the crotch (though Keith still hit him for it), and grinned down at him, his smirk uninhibited.

"Besides I also have another language to take my pick from, o olvidasteis de eso cariño?" Lance purred, Keith blushed and quickly covered his face with a groan.

"Oh God" Lance laughed heartily then poked Keith's side.

"Mi amor," another poke.

"Mi vida, mi alma, mi principe" With each name Lance poked and squished Keith's sides until he was a laughing mess.

"Fuck Lance stop that tickles!" Keith laughed, squirming to try and get out of his grip, tears were rolling down his cheeks and his abs ached from laughing so much.

"Angelito, tesoro, papito" Keith's laughed doubled as he listened to Lance's pet names.

"Did you just-" He burst into giggles again "Did you just call me daddy?!"

Lance suddenly stopped his torment and pulled a face as if to consider what Keith had said before he too burst into a fit of giggles.

"I guess it translates that way but that's not what I meant I promise" Lance chuckled, waving his hands in front of him in defence.

"Yeah sure" Keith smirked poking Lance in the stomach.

"I promise!" Lance squeaked taking hold of Keith's hands, "It's just cutesie like my mum would call me and my brothers papito and my sisters mamita; I dunno how to explain it!"

"That's kinda cute" Keith said thoughtfully "but maybe don't call me that"

"yes, daddy" Lance said in a deep mock sexy voice.

"No Lance that's worse!" Keith said clutching his sides as he laughed.

Now that he wasn't concentrating on torturing Keith he could feel how Keith's laughing was bucking Lance up and down as his body shook and it induced him into another bout of hysterical laughter; it took them a while to calm down enough to resume talking.

"But seriously we should get ready for tonight" Lance said still chuckling a little.

"Yeah okay, get off" Keith bucked his hips suddenly, sending Lance falling onto the floor. Keith laughed and hopped over him, running to the bedroom while Lance grumbled Spanish curses as he picked himself up to follow.

Just like the first time Keith ever stayed over Lance's wardrobe had been emptied out all over the room. Shirts on hangars hooked on all the handles in the room; top and jean combinations placed neatly over the bed spread, he was even impressed to see the few clothing items he kept in the flat were being used in the considerations.

"Really Lance?" Keith asked gesturing vaguely at the mess before them as Lance wrapped his arms around Keith's waist and buried his head in his neck sheepishly.

"It's important okay; it's the last outfit of this year and the first of the next" Lance mumbled, Keith just chuckled softly.

"I'm not wearing dungarees again" Keith warned, placing his hands on top of Lance's.

"Hahaha don't worry you've left enough jeans here to have a choice, but we should find you a top that isn't a black t-shirt" Keith snorted then detangled himself from Lance's grip to look at the selection of tops Lance had put out for consideration.

"You realise it's a roof party and our outfits will just be hidden under coats, right?" Keith asked as his fingers traced the buttons of a blue shirt he's seen Lance wear multiple times.

"Er who said the coats won't be part of the outfits?" Lance said opening his wardrobe revealing a stupid amount of coats and jacket.

"Jesus, why do you have so many?" Keith said staring at the items in awe, Lance shrugged with a grin then made his way over to the other side of the bed to a neatly placed piled.

"So I think I have my outfit picked out, if I try it on will you tell me if it looks good?" Lance asked, picking up the pile.

"Yeah sure" Keith said but he knew he'd be bias cos he thought Lance looked good in the lounge pants and large t-shirt he was wearing.

"Thanks, I'll go change in the bathroom, so I can do my hair too" Lance bent down to pick up a pair of brown ankle boots before walking to the door, "Good luck hunting for an outfit!"

Keith rolled his eyes and proceeded to pull on a pair of black skinny jeans on and a long white tee, he walked over to the chest of drawers to find a pair of socks and he could hear Lance singing happily in the bathroom. Keith's outfit ended up consisting of his combat boots, a long-oversized cream sweater and a black denim trucker jacket with a fluffy wool lining that showed around the collar; he had pulled his hair up into a pony tail and was applying his usual concealer when Lance walked back in and pulled out a coat.

Keith turned around and appraised Lance from head to toe; he was wearing light washed jeans, a white shirt, black tie and a thin brown sweater; the whole outfit was tied together with a pair of camel ankle boots and a winter trench coat. Keith's eyes lingered on Lance a little longer than necessary causing Lance to bite his bottom lip and try very hard not to nervously run his hands through his perfectly styled hair; when Keith finally met Lance's gaze he smirked.

"You look good babe" Keith said crossing his arms and his eyes swept up and down again.

"Thank you, daddy" Lance purred in deep voice.

"God fucking dammit Lance!" Keith shouted, throwing a pair of bundled socks across the room at Lance who was running out the room laughing his head off.

Once again Keith found himself walking down the path to Hunk and Shay's house, hand in hand with Lance, only this time he wasn't filled with dread. He felt the budding sense of nerves that all social interactions instilled in him but it was predominantly drowned out by his excitement to see all his friends again; he missed them and didn't realise just how much he had been shutting everyone out. He felt guilty, obviously, but when he voiced it Lance had all but hit him saying how he shouldn't dwell on it, that no-one took it personally and moving forward he just had to try not to push them all away again.

They were quickly ushered in as to not let the cold night air permeate through the house, their coats were taken by a bubbly, if not slightly tipsy, Hunk and they made their way through to the kitchen at the back of the house. Now that he wasn't completely stuck in his own head Keith could actually appreciate their home; it was small but super cosy. The décor was chic but warm with the use of wood and carpets, there were photo frames of family and friends in every room; hanging on the walls or propped up on mantel pieces and shelves, there were also a fair share of potted plants placed tastefully across the house.

When they walked into kitchen the smell of delicious food filled their noses and alerted their stomachs; they looked around taking in their surroundings and seeing if they could spot any food available to snatch. Pidge was sitting on the kitchen island talking animatedly to Shiro who was struggling to get a word in but was quite happy to sip in his wine and nod along, smiling at whatever Pidge was talking about. Allura was sitting at the small dining table chatting with Coran, which was still odd for Keith because despite being Allura's uncle it still weirded him out to see Coran out of a professional context. Shay waddled into the kitchen from the living room and made a bee-line straight towards them, with arms opened wide and a bright smile across her face. She took Keith into a tight hug (well as tight as you can with a baby filled belly in-between) and he felt an instant stab of guilt that he had repressed.

There was one secret that Keith hadn't revealed to Lance when they talked because it was the one he felt the most guilty about and honestly just didn't know how to explain. He was scared, flat out scared of the fact that Hunk and Shay were having a baby, and not in the way he was when he thought he was a temp until Lance wanted to start a family either; he was simply terrified of the idea of being around them when the baby finally came. He had spent years adamantly avoiding families in every situation he possibly could, it just hurt his heart so much and now his perfect little friendship group is going to involve probably the most loving family in the whole world and he just doesn't know if he can hack it. He's kept it quiet for so long because he wants it to simply be fear of the unknown, but it still caused him immense guilt whenever he thought about it. Shay had captured Lance's attention, so Keith used the opportunity to slip away, kissing Lance on the cheek and giving Shay a parting smile he made his way over to where Pidge, Shiro and now Hunk were talking in the kitchen.

As the night progressed Lance could see the significant improvement in Keith's demeanour compared to the Christmas events and he shook his head fondly as he watched Keith laugh loudly over something Coran said.

"That boy's an idiot for trying carry the world on his shoulders" Lance muttered to himself taking another sip of his mulled wine.

They had all made their way up onto the roof as they neared midnight, wrapped up in their coats and scarves and nursing hot drinks of all sorts to keep their hands warm and were now all milling around and talking as they waited for the ball to drop. The roof had been done up beautifully; Lance had to make sure he remembered to commend Hunk for it, there was a pergola covered in fairy lights, adorable vintage garden furniture (though extra chairs had been brought up for the evening) The floor had been newly paved and big potted bushes and flower beds had been brought up to give it a perfect secluded secret garden feel.

Lance was leaning up against the far wall watching everyone enjoy themselves when Hunk walked up to him and took his place by Lance's side.

"I'm gonna take a stab and guess he finally opened up about what was eating him huh?" Hunk asked not taking his eyes off where Keith was talking with Allura. Lance smiled and nodded taking another sip of his drink; Hunk grinned and patted him on the back. "Was it what we thought?"

"kinda" Lance said with a half shrug "It was mainly self-worth centred, but we talked through it and it definitely isn't fixed but at least now I know what he's fighting against and I can help him win the battle"

"Plus and I told him I love him and he said it back" He whispered happily, a big grinned stretched across his face.

"Aw dude that's amazing!" Hunk cheered turning to Lance and hugging him tightly, when he put him down again Lance leant against Hunk's shoulder and sighed happily.

"I love him" He whispered mostly to himself but he felt Hunk's shoulder shake as he softly chuckled.

Lance pushed himself off Hunk and started making his way towards Keith who was now staring out across the skyline with his forearms leaning up against the top of the low wall. Lance came up behind him and wrapped his arms around Keith's waist and rested his head on his shoulder. They didn't say anything but they didn't need to, both of them enjoying each other's company and watching the few eager beavers light up their fireworks ahead of time.

"Excuse me everyone can I have your attention?" Keith and Lance turned around at the sound of Shiro' voice and saw that he and Allura were standing under the pergola; they looked at each other and shrugged before joining the others who had gathered in front.

"I would like to make a speech if you don't mind" Shiro said, oddly sheepish, no one protested so he kept going.

"This year has been filled with wonderful moments that we mustn't forget or let the bad moments over shadow" Shiro began raising his glass slightly.

"So to Keith and Lance who found each other, you make each other happy and are also sickeningly cutesy" Lance squeezed Keith's hand affectionately while Keith tried hard not to blush.

"To Hunk and Shay, you're baby will be the most loved baby in the world and possibly the cutest too" The couple shared a loving gaze as they placed their hands over the bump.

"To Pidge, who's kicking ass at their doctorate and will quite easily change the world one day" Pidge beamed under the praise and everyone murmured their agreements to Shiro's words.

"To Coran, who has been the best mentor and support to all who cross paths with him; may your moustache be forever luscious" Everyone chuckled as Coran twirled his moustache and wiggled his eyebrows.

"And to Allura" Shiro said softly turning to face her "You have been an absolute rock for me when I've needed it, you're so loving and caring and I love you with everything I am"

Shiro dropped down on one knee and everyone gasped; Lance let go of Keith's hand and covered his mouth in shock, mirroring Allura's expression.

"I wanted to do this as the countdown began because I want this year to end and the next one to begin on the most wonderful moment yet." Shiro pulled out a little black box and flipped it open, "Allura, will you marry me?"

"Yes" Allura whispered, tears streaming down her face. Shiro beamed blinking back his own tears as he placed the ring on her finger; he stood up and kissed her sweetly while everyone cheered and clapped, congratulating the couple.

Lance watched as they were pulled into fierce hugs and smiled to himself. They were going to live a wonderful life together and they utterly deserved it; Lance bounced excitedly as he thought about how they were going to get a house together and perhaps have a family of their own one day. Maybe they would leave for a while and travel the world sending back postcards and trinkets to everyone and Keith-

Oh, no, Keith! Lance spun around quickly and caught sight of Keith hunched in on himself as he made his way to the roof exit. Oh, no…

Resa's pizza: I know I know I'm sorry! And this one probably hurt you too but it ends happily I PROMISE!

ADeamonInATeacup: No Keith would never deliberately hurt the ones he loves

The Solo Song Warrior; I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY *hands you tissues*

Guest: Don't get caught by mama bear! Thank you so much I really appreciate it!

KH freak 813: I KNOW HE WILL HAVE IT!

Pluen r12: I'm glad you thought I wrote him well but I'm sorry there won't be much more of him they way this story went just didn't allow me to put him in more but I'll make sure he get's a part in the last few chapters 😊

FANZGIRLZRULE: I hope you are satisfied with your klance dose lol

MermaidsDontNeedPants: Thank you so much! I love reading all your comments they make me so happy sorry you had to wait so long for this! Xx

Tribi Ponyfeathers: I don't have a beta reader and I'm terrible and proof reading I kinda just type and post lol but maybe I will go back and fix all the mistakes I'm sure this fic is riddled with! Oh you did?! Do you think you could send it to me I'd love to read it! (You can send it to me on my tumblr the link is on my profile it's TeaWithTheHatter-Posts)
Unfortunately the banshee doesn't return but there will be some parallels of that situation that appears in the next chapter *Wiggles eyebrows*