You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be

-Goo Goo Dolls, "Iris"

Friday, January 16, 1998

I was starting to think Giles knew that something was up. Why else would he have handed me a book having to do primarily with the nesting habits of vampires? Of course, about three pages in I was ready to throw the stupid thing against the wall because the author was completely full of crap. I'd be surprised if the idiot had ever seen a single vampire, let alone a whole nest of them. I wondered what– I flipped the book over to look at the spine– Mr. Huber, would think of our new TV and steadily growing library?

When I got to him describing vampires shredding newspaper to make beds I gave up and snapped the book closed. Yes, sometimes the minions just didn't care and sort of slept where they fell, but most of them had some version of a bed and none of those involved paper of any kind. Mr. Huber had been watching too much X-Files.

Giles scowled at me but I was spared a lecture by the phone in his office ringing. He got up to answer it, but poked his head out the door a few seconds later wearing a puzzled look. "Willow, it's the school secretary, there's a call for you." Willow frowned and went to take the phone from Giles. She pulled the door partially closed behind her and I was stuck with my Watcher and his disapproving glower again.

He selected another book and handed it to me. "Chapter three deals with the actions of The Scourge of Europe in 1889 in what is now southern Poland." I took the volume but didn't open it. I doubted it was anything but another list of atrocities. Giles noticed my reluctance. "Is something wrong?"

I sighed. Maybe I could hedge the truth a little. "Giles, I know these guys were bad news, but Darla's dust, Angel has his soul, and Drusilla and Spike haven't had any deaths attributed to them in months. I'm just sort of tired of endlessly reading about them and it's giving me nightmares." Not so much nightmares as my…I mean Dru's, demon sorting through my brain and feeding me fun live-action pictures. Death, murder, blood and mayhem, only it was all filtered by the demon so the accompanying emotions of exhilaration and enjoyment tended to overwhelm my own feelings of disgust. Add that to the lack of soul in Dru's body and I would find myself getting a little lost in the images, especially when they veered away from the records and became a lot more with the steamy, blood-drenched sex.

It was all incredibly confusing and I didn't need any more fuel for the fire.

Giles was just looking at me over his glasses. It seemed 'bad dreams' when you're the Slayer was not a valid excuse. With a sigh I opened the book, but to the first chapter which was about the socio-economic background of the region at the turn of the century. It was sort of nightmare-worthy in its own right.

The clock ticked, and ticked, and ticked, and…Who the heck was Willow talking to? She'd been in there for nearly thirty minutes. I tapped my nails on the table for a good couple of seconds before Giles looked like he wanted to murder me. Giving up, I shrugged at him and got up to check on my friend.

I edged around the partially open door. Willow was sitting on Giles' desk, her feet in his chair. Her face was lit up and she was giggling.

"She totally does that. I don't know how they stay in her eye sockets, and…" Willow looked up and saw me standing there. "Eep! And here she is. It was nice talking to you. Bye!" She hopped down and held the phone out to me. "He needs to talk to you, too!" With a sheepish smile she beat a hasty retreat into the main part of the Library.

Cautiously, I held the receiver up to my ear. "Hello?"

"Buffy?"

I sat down hard on the chair. "Dalton?" I hissed.

"Yes, mistress. One of the boys got a cell phone off some idiot that wondered into this part of town last night. Spike saw him with it this morning and now I'm calling you."

"Uh, okay. Why?" I felt pretty queasy. A dead man's cell phone. He probably had it so when he worked late he could call his family and tell them he was okay. And here was my friend acting like it was no big deal. Not that I'd feel any differently if I was in Dru's body, I reminded myself. If he'd explained how he'd gotten it once I was at the factory tonight I wouldn't have even batted an eyelash. However, in my soul having Slayer body, sitting in my Watcher's office, I couldn't ignore how wrong it was that someone's murder had led to this conversation.

Ugh.

"Well, I had a question for Willow, from Spike." Because that made any of this less confusing.

"What?"

There was a pause. "I can't say."

"You might want to rethink that." The no-nonsense Slayer part of me came out in my voice.

Dalton gulped. "Um…there's a thing, in a couple of days, and the Master wanted to know what you might like."

Thing? In a couple of days? What thi…oh, wow, my birthday! I grinned idiotically.

"Oh, that's cool," I said, trying to sound bored and like the idea of Spike trying to get me a present I liked wasn't the most awesome thing ever.

"And, er, there was something else." His voice had dropped to a conspiratorial whisper and I pushed the receiver hard against my ear so I could hear him better.

"Me and Dru have a way to get the minions well away from the main part of the factory. Just a little trickery, a little thrall, and a little promise to do the guard dog routine myself. We've actually got everything ready to go for Monday. Do you think that'll work for you?"

It'd be my birthday, I'd miss school, and I'd get to go see Spike? Bonus! It totally worked.

"That sounds amazing! We can finalize everything tonight. I'll see you later, okay?"

"Okay Buffy, good-bye."

"Bye!" I chirped and hung up the phone. I was super exited, enough that I didn't see Giles standing in the doorway to his office until I ran into him.

"We need to talk for a minute."

I nodded and backed up a few paces. Giles pulled the door partly closed behind him. He sighed heavily. "Buffy I'm not having you read the accounts of the Scourge of Europe for no reason. I believe you need to be well informed about the kinds of things your boyfriend is capable of."

My stomach plummeted. He knew. Somehow he knew. Oh god. "I, um…well…"

"He might have a pretty face, but he's not really someone you should be seeing. He's not a good person."

My mind blanked. I loved Spike. I couldn't just give him up because my Watcher didn't approve. "He can be nice," I whispered. He was trying to be a better man, for me. Surely Giles would be able to see that. Once everything was straightened out and me and Dru were no longer switching and Spike was healed, he'd be able to help me out on patrol. He'd make this whole sacred calling thing a lot less lonely.

"Just because he sweet talks you and has a soul doesn't automatically make him someone you should be romantically involved with." Giles crossed his arms. It looked like he was getting ready for a fight.

Soul…wait, Giles had said soul. I nearly collapsed in relief. My Watcher meant Angel. Not that Giles would breakout the pom-poms for Spike or anything, but to me the fact that my vampire had chosen to change things about himself was way more impressive than Angel having to because of the soul. I had firsthand knowledge of how hard you had to think about things when you didn't have a conscience that instinctively knew right from wrong. You also had to tell the demon to take a hike, which wasn't always a simple thing.

My Watcher was waiting for an answer. "I don't know what to say. Me and Angel are kind of complicated. I don't think it'd be the truth if I said I'd stay away from him, or would stop seeing him. Do you want me to lie to you?"

Giles got a funny look on his face. He reached out tentatively and put a hand on my shoulder. "No, Buffy, I don't want you to lie. Just…be careful. I'm afraid you're going to get your heart broken, or worse."

"I'll try." I covered his hand with mine, my head bowed. Sometimes I wondered what was going to happen, when me and Dru stopped switching, when I was just teenaged me all the time. Would Spike get bored of me? Would he want the Slayer that had to patrol nearly every night? Deep inside I was waiting for the heartache that would come when I wasn't wanted anymore.

I was just hoping it wasn't going to be for a long, long time. I smiled at Giles, my Watcher who was so much more.

"Go help Willow," he said, and I nodded, ducking around him and heading to where Willow was sitting. I perched on the table next to her and fiddled with the strap to her bag.

After a minute she handed me a book and asked me to look for a reference to a demon that apparently no man-made weapon could kill. That sounded freaky. I flipped through the book, not really seeing the pages.

"Hey, Willow," I finally worked up enough courage to ask.

"Uh." She was busy translating something that was probably Latin. I poked her shoulder. "Hey, yes, what?"

"On my birthday, can you cover for me if I'm not a school?"

"Where are you going to be?"

I rolled my eyes, which made Willow snicker for some reason. "Where do you think?"

"If I'm going out on a limb for you I totally want details. Yummy, juicy, totally detailed details."

"You got it."

I grinned. My birthday was looking better and better.

Monday, January 19, 1998

Dear Buffy!

Happy birthday! I'm sorry that I'm the one your not very sneaky friends are going to be throwing a party for tonight. Is it okay of I think of whatever gift Angel gives you as 'mine'? Spike has something nice for you, but he won't let me see it in case I ruin the surprise.

I can't wait to see you today. This is going to be so much fun. Spike has no clue. I did your hair and makeup but left the outfit part up to you. The minions will be out for most of the day with the drugged blood and me and Dalton will keep watch, so you can call on us any time you like.

I'll see you soon!

Love,

Dru

I felt odd. The familiar bulk of the factory looked the same as always, but I was way different than normal. My heartbeat was thundering in my ears. Surely it'd wake every minion in the place like a chiming dinner bell. I hurried towards the door, pausing to swallow hard before reaching out to grasp the handle. The door flew open just before I wrapped my hand around the knob. Drusilla was standing on the other side, in the shadows, a wide smile on her lips.

"Hello, Buffy," she said in a very familiar voice. I stepped inside and closed the door behind me. I couldn't tear my eyes away from her. Dru was gorgeous. She was all willowy and graceful, with intense dark eyes and silky hair. I swallowed hard. She was Audrey Hepburn or Jackie O. And me? I was no Marilyn Monroe. I felt short, frumpy, and far from feminine. I knew how to hit things, pull them apart, rip them to shreds. No one was going to hold me up as example of womanhood.

"Um, no. Oh Dru, I shouldn't have come."

"What? Why?" Her brows drew together in concern.

"I've been kidding myself. You're so beautiful and elegant. I'm just a kid that's been pretending I'm ready to sit at the big table with the grown-ups." I took a step back. "I should go now."

Dru's hand snaked out and caught my arm. "Stop it. Stop it right now. You're gorgeous, Buffy. So full of life, so strong. I love being in your body, and you're the same person when you're in it as you are when you're in me." She leaned closer to me. "And you know he loves you. So go on." Her eyes lost their focus and were staring at a point over my shoulder. I took one of her long fingered hands and tugged her along behind me.

Dalton was waiting by the stairs. I couldn't help grinning at him.

"Mistress!" he gasped. I let go of Dru's hand and wrapped him in a hug. He patted my back awkwardly. "I can't believe you're here."

"Me either. Thanks for getting the minions sorted and for-" I looked around for Dru. She'd wandered off a few paces and was slowly spinning in circles, her head thrown back and her eyes closed.

"Don't worry, I've gotten pretty good at keeping her safe and in check."

"Thank you. Hey." I slipped my backpack and coat from my shoulders, revealing my black skirt and red halter top. "Do I look okay?"

He smiled and winked. "Good enough to eat."

"Vampires!" I threw up my hands in defeat. Giving him my backpack to keep track of, I turned and walked down the stairs. The hallway seemed a lot longer than normal. One more door. I twisted the handle with trembling fingers. Spike was asleep, one arm hanging off the side of the mattress and the other flung out towards my side of the bed. I took slow steps towards him. I let my coat drop to the floor from my now numb fingers.

There wasn't enough room for me to sit next to him like I'd planned. If I walked all the way around to the other side of the bed, I'd lose my nerve. I toed off my shoes and put one knee on the bed, swinging my other leg over him so that I was straddling his stomach. I leaned forward until my hair was tickling his face. "Spike?"

His nose wrinkled and he blew at the strands on his lips. He took a deep breath through his nose but didn't open his eyes. "Buffy?" My name sounded like a prayer on his tongue. His hands skimmed over my hips, up my back, stopping on either side of my face. Gently his thumbs outlined my cheeks, nose, mouth, and ghosted over my eyes. "Is it really you? Am I dreaming?"

"Open your eyes."

"What if you disappear?"

I leaned down closer, so my lips hovered over his. He smiled slowly, waiting. My hands were braced on his t-shirt covered chest. I shifted the fingers of one hand slightly so they were over his nipple, caught my tongue between my teeth, and quickly sat bolt upright while twisting hard with my fingers.

"Slayer!" he roared, vamping out as he sat up, one hand going behind him to brace himself. Yellow eyes glared at me while he rubbed his nipple.

I had both hands over my mouth, giggling like crazy. "Still think you're dreaming?"

"No, you crazy chit." He wrapped an arm around me, pulling me against him. He shook off the demon and his blue eyes shone brightly. "Kiss me?"

His lips were soft against mine. I nibbled on the full lower one until his mouth opened and our tongues tangled around each other. I felt Spike's stomach muscles tense against me and he took his hand off the bed and pulled his shirt over his head. Oh yeah. That was more like it. He had both arms around me now and I was running my hands over the broad expanse of his back. His mouth barely left mine when I needed to gasp for air.

My insides were ten kinds of molten. One cool finger ran up the inside of my thigh, making me shiver. He rubbed right where I wanted him to…

Wait a minute. I pushed myself away and gazed down at his handsome face. With his lust darkened eyes, hooded gaze, and kiss swollen lips he looked like my own personal brand of kryptonite. I almost gave in as the hand on my spine tried to push me back against him.

"No, stop! I know what you're doing!" I cried.

"Trying to bloody well make-out with my girlfriend," he purred, his lower lip sticking out in the tiniest of pouts. I closed my eyes.

"Look, I'm really not complaining or anything, but that's not all. You, mister, are trying to distract me."

"Balls." Spike collapsed back down on the bed.

I carefully stretched myself out next to him, snuggling my head into the crook of his shoulder. "Care to explain?"

"I've been thinking about it, uh, a lot, actually." His fingers were combing through my hair, occasionally getting the tangled ends. I waited. Finally, he sighed. "I just can't do it Buffy, I can't drink from you."

It took me about three milliseconds to go from feeling desired and cherished to being the weird girl no one liked again. "Oh." He didn't want me. I'd been taking more vitamins than I could name and dealing with a full bladder for weeks for no good reason. I wasn't…bitable. I was good enough for other stuff, but not that? I didn't know whether to be sad or angry. I rolled away from him, curling up into a ball. It looked like sadness was going to win and I didn't want him to know how easy it was for him to make me cry.

Behind me the sheets rustled as he shifted. "Buffy?" His hand touched my back and I scooted further towards my side of the bed. "Christ, Buffy, what the hell is wrong?"

He sounded confused. My hands tightened into fists. "You just said you don't want me and now you're asking me what's wrong?"

There was a pause. "I said I didn't want you?"

"You don't want to bite me!"

Spike gave a bark of laughter. "That's it! I give up! I think I must have tripped over a tree root and dusted myself because there's no reality where I'm lying in bed with the Slayer and she's pitching a fit because I won't bite her."

I sat up. "I am not pitching a fit!"

"You kind of are."

"Are not!"

"Are too, and just listen to me for a moment."

I glared at him.

"I never said I didn't want to bite you, luv, I said I can't drink from you." His face was serious, the humor from a moment ago having fled.

"Why not?" I rolled the edge of the quilt between my fingers, the lace rough against my skin.

"Because what if I hurt you? What if I can't stop?" He reached out towards me again and I scooted closer so I could take his hand in mine. "I love you more than anything, Buffy. How can I possibly risk being the cause of your death?"

I got all warm and fuzzy, but boy was he being pig headed. I leveled a glare at him. "And how can I sit by when I have the means of ending your pain flowing through me? Also-" I squeezed his hand. "Do you really think I couldn't stop you if I wanted to? Like, hello, Slayer. I think you've forgotten how this game is played."

Abruptly, I let go of his hand and grabbed his arm, rolling quickly so I could pin it under one knee. I aimed a jab for his face but he blocked it. I was astride him again, but now I was using my full strength to pin his arms and shoulders. He vamped out and pushed back, but with my legs under me I was too strong for him. My coat was on the floor next to the bed and I calculated the best way to reach it.

Spike managed to wrestle one arm free and threw a punch towards my stomach. I deflected it before bringing my legs out from under me. I pinned his wrist with one foot and brought my other leg up to push into his throat and shoulder. I bent backwards off the bed with my arms outstretched and nabbed the stake from the inside pocket of my jacket. I straightened up and brought my knees under me just in time to counter another punch. The wood in my hand hovered over his heart.

I hadn't even broken a sweat.

He shook his head and the demon receded. His face looked a little dazed. "Well, that was fancy."

I smiled and pushed the tip of the stake against him. "I'm not exactly a defenseless maiden here."

His eyes were once more dark and his hands came up to rest on my hips. "No, you're bloody magnificent, Slayer."

"I won, so I get my way."

He chuckled and leaned forward again, pushing my hand with the stake out to the side and kissing me deeply. "You always get your way," he grumbled against my lips. "So how we going to do this?"

I let the stake clatter back to the floor, pushed him flat, and climbed off him in order to lie down alongside him again. I hooked a leg across his hips and an arm around his shoulders and rolled him onto his side so that we were face to face. I kept my leg around him but stretched my arms up. I tapped right above the side of one elbow with the other hand. "Sorry to disappoint, but right here's going to have to do, my neck would be too obvious." He nodded and I wiggled in close to him, positioning my arm near his mouth.

He stroked his fingers lightly up and down my arm. "Are you sure about this?"

"Good freaking God, I'm sorry I didn't have an embossed invitation made."

"Right," he drawled. His demon emerged again. It seemed a lifetime ago that I'd ever thought of the change as 'ugly'. I guess it was different when you knew how it felt from the inside. Spike's tongue flicked roughly over the sensitive skin of my inner arm and I shivered in anticipation. My breathing was loud in my own ears and it hitched as my vampire's eyes slid shut and his lips caressed me.

I whimpered as his fangs sank sharply into my skin. It hurt for a second and it took all my willpower not to jerk away. As he took the first small pull of my blood the pain fled. He sucked gently again and his adam's apple bobbed as he swallowed.

Oh god.

Spike moaned, the vibrations echoing from my arm out to my entire body. Every millimeter of my skin became hypersensitive. Air flowed across my bare arms and legs, the satin sheets on the bed were as cool as water. The fabric of my halter top felt scratchy against my nipples, even the cotton that made up the sweatpants Spike was wearing felt like sandpaper against the inside of my thigh. The brush of his tongue over the bite on my arm made my cry out. Between my legs there was an empty ache that throbbed harder each time Spike sucked at my arm. I could feel the blood in my arteries as it rushed along, pulsating in time with my heartbeat. I wanted to give it all to him, everything he needed.

The sight of his throat moving as he drank me down was the most erotic thing I'd ever seen. His eyes were closed in bliss. I loved him so much. My hips were moving of their own accord, I needed contact. I was sighing and gasping nonsensical noises. Gradually, I became aware that I wasn't the only one whose hips were moving and I definitely had something to rub against.

I gave into the avalanche of sensation. In no time at all I was yowling Spike's name and there was a whole Fourth of July's worth of fireworks going off behind my eyelids. My vampire jackknifed hard against me and growled against the tender flesh of my arm. The second he stilled I found myself tossed unceremoniously on my back.

I was breathing hard, my heart was pounding, and I was freezing now that I wasn't moving or pressed against another body. I felt so alone. I started to sit up but my head spun alarmingly and I felt woozy, so I lay back down with a little whimper.

There was grunt from beside me and Spike rolled over, right onto me. I was absurdly grateful for his weight pinning me to the mattress. With a frustrated growl he pushed himself up onto his arms, and then slowly he bent his knee.

"Oh my god," I whispered.

"My Buffy," he muttered against my neck. "Open for me, luv." I frowned in confusion and Spike reached down with one hand to push against my knee.

Oh. I blushed, but did as he asked, bringing first one leg and then the other to wrap around his hips as he carefully maneuvered himself between them. "Um, do you want to…"

"Not now. Told you I'd make that special. I just… I… I need."

I understood. I needed too.

"Are you sure you're okay?" he gasped as he started rocking against me.

"I'm A-okay."

"Good."

His movements got surer by the minute. Unashamedly, I pushed back against him, moving as I needed to until I saw fireworks again. Spike murmured endearments in my ear and cried out my name before collapsing on top of me.

Both of us drifted in and out of sleep for a while. At last, Spike made a face and rolled off me onto his back.

I sat up, a lot less dizzy than before. "Everything okay?"

"Just need to get cleaned up." I giggled and he shot me a look. "It's your fault, you know," he grumbled. I couldn't help but look smug as I stood up and straightened my clothes. I helped him sit up on the side of the bed.

"How do you feel?"

"Like a bloody pipe organ fell on me and then I got snogged by the most beautiful girl in the world." I handed him a wet washcloth from the basin in our room and headed to the closet to grab him some clean clothes.

"And do I know this beautiful girl?" I teased.

"You see her every time you look in a mirror."

I melted. He always seemed to know just what I needed to hear.

With a little work and only a tiny amount of complaining on his part we managed to get him dressed, including boots, and standing next to the bed. I was flying inside. I had done this. My blood. My love that'd spurred me out to the factory and into his arms. "How's the air up there?"

"Wonderful!" He took a deep breath and smirked at me.

"What?"

"I think I could walk."

I backed up until I was leaning against the wall. "Oh yeah?"

"Yeah."

I beckoned at him with a finger and what I hoped was a 'come hither' look.

It was slow, and painful looking, but he did it one dragging step at a time. When he reached me he put his palms on the wall on either side of my head and bent down to kiss me. I lost myself in his soft, hungry lips.

Both of us jumped when there was a knock at the door.

"It's time for birthday tea and cakes!" Dru called. "Don't make me get the hose!" She giggled.

Spike sighed and rested his forehead against mine. "Tell me again?"

"I love you."

"I love you too. Now I better take my wheels out there. I'm doing better but I'm not sure I'm quite ready to go ten rounds with Ali or the bloody stairs." I ducked out from under his arm and got his chair. "And my coat, can you help me with my coat?"

That duster was such a part of him I was surprised he hadn't been sleeping in the stupid thing. I was very nearly jealous of it. I helped him get it on and he was able to maneuver into the chair himself. I knew better than to ask if he wanted help, I just opened the door for him.

In a million years I would have never guessed the surprise that was waiting for me on the table: a birthday cake with pink icing and 'Happy Birthday Buffy' spelled out on top.

"I did that part." Dru said, pointing at the writing.

"Oh, wow, thank you guys!" There were even forks and plates, and to the side there were two presents.

I turned to look at Spike. "Did you know about this?"

"Well, thought it'd be after you got here tonight, but yeah, I knew."

"Thank you."

Drusilla was beaming. I sat down and Dru played hostess. The slices of chocolate cake were a little uneven, but it tasted wonderful. There was even a bottle of water stashed in the fridge for me.

The presents were even better than the cake. Dalton had gotten me a day planner. A plain, grown-up looking affair with a burgundy cover. He'd already filled out quite a bit of the information on the inside in his prim handwriting. Even the dates of my tests and when I needed to turn in major assignments. He must have culled that from my backpack while I'd been…busy, with Spike. Drusilla's present was an odd assortment of feathers, bits of brightly colored wood, and a bell. I held it up, but couldn't figure out what the heck it was supposed to be.

Dru reached over and made the bell chime. "It's a toy, for Lorenzo."

Of course it was. I help it up, admiring it now that I knew what I was looking at.

"My turn." Spike stood up on shaky legs, taking a few steps until he was right in front of me. Using the edge of the table for support he sank down onto both knees in front of me. From his duster pocket he drew out a little square box with a bow on top and handed it to me with a shy smile.

Inside was a gold bracelet. I lifted it out. The links looked pretty sturdy and a little gold disk hung from one of the loops. On one side two intertwined hearts were engraved, and on the other the initials E+W.

Elizabeth and William.

The woman and the man, not the Slayer and Vampire.

Gently, Spike took the bracelet from my fingers and clasped it around my wrist. "Just tell people it's your favorite cousin's initials or something," he said gruffly.

I cupped his face in my hands. "Thank you."

His lips on mine were sweet.

The rest of the day passed quickly. As sunset approached I walked with Dru towards the door of the factory. Willow was coming with Oz in his van to pick her up just down the street a ways and take her to the planned party. I'd put the gifts from Dalton and Dru in my bag, and was wearing my coat. I was going to wear the bracelet right up until we changed, then put it in the bag before Dru left. I think we both felt a little bit weird about it being around my wrist while she was spending time with Angel.

At the doorway I hugged her. "Thank you for the great birthday."

The vertigo was mild and we pulled apart with a giggle. She held out her wrist and I undid the clasp and carefully put the precious object into an inner pocket of my backpack. "Keep it safe." She nodded and was gone.

We spent the first part of the night working on getting Spike moving around much as possible. He was in the best spirits I'd seen him in for a long time. Dalton and I managed to goad him into doing quite a lot. At last he got tired and hungry and sat back in his chair, asking for a cup of otter.

I obligingly warmed it up for him and curled up onto his lap while he drank. I was just starting to nod off, my head on Spike's shoulder as him and Dalton discussed something about the serialization of Dickens' Bleak House, when there was a muffled scream behind us.

Dalton stood and Spike spun his chair around just in time for one of the minions to land at our feet and burst into dust.

"Angel?" I asked in confusion, watching as the vampire strode towards us. The fear rolling off Dalton was palpable. I glanced over Spike's shoulder at him. 'Go' I mouthed at him and he was gone in a flash.

Spike nuzzled my ear. "Play Dru until we know more," he said in a very low voice.

"Well isn't this cozy," Angel drawled.

I giggled and cooed, letting my shoulders and head sway. "We've just been having a party with pretty streamers."

"Well, that's a fun coincidence. I started out my night with a party too."

"Do you want tea?" I asked. "We've got all kinds."

"He doesn't want tea, sweets." Spike said in an indulgent tone of voice. I giggled again.

"What you want, Angel? Did the Slayer not like your present so you're going to bring her our ashes to make up for it?"

Angel chuckled. "She liked the first present I gave her well enough. The second, well that turned out to be more for me."

"Do tell." Spike sounded seriously annoyed. "The suspense is killing me."

Two and two were not making four in this situation. My mind was racing. Was Angel some kind of distraction so that the whole factory could be taken down? But why tonight? Had the party just been a cover? Was Dru going to kill me so she could be in my body forever? But she'd been so nice earlier. Spike rubbed the back of my neck with one hand and I tried to relax.

"I gave her this Claddagh ring and a fancy story about loving her. I meant it at the time." At the time? Angel was pacing. "You got a smoke, Willy?" Huffing a sigh, Spike pulled out his cigarettes and lit one, passing it to his Grandsire before lighting a second for himself.

"Anyway, we go back to my place and it gets all hot and heavy. Then, get this, we're both practically naked and she suddenly says she doesn't want to. I told the bitch she couldn't leave me like that and that she had to do something. Gave her a line about loving me. So she asks what I want and I told her to lay back and let me make her feel good. Hell if I know whether or not she enjoyed it, but I must have because that pesky soul just went up in smoke." He took a deep drag on his cigarette and blew grey smoke towards the ceiling for emphasis.

Spike had gone very still, his fingertips digging painfully into me. I was stunned. It was my body. It was my body Angel was talking about. Dru had lost my virginity to the thing that was standing there, preening, in front of us. I wanted to kill him. Spike's arms tightened around me.

"So Angelus is back!" Spike laughed. "It's good to see you mate! That soul's had you buggered up for far too long."

"It was like being in a cage at the zoo," Angel growled. "But I'm free now and back where I belong. I've got a little world ending present as well."

With all my strength I managed to smile and clap in glee. "A present, Daddy, for me?"

"Yes, for you Dru." Angelus' gaze softened as he looked at me. I tried to appear pleased. "I think you'll like it. The Watcher's been researching The Judge, but it's me that's figured out where all the pieces are. I'm going to be putting him back together and ending the Slayer's little run of good luck in this town."

Spike grinned. "Sounds like a hell of a plan. How 'bout I go get Dru to bed, she's tired, and then you can tell me this grand scheme of yours."

"I was hoping Dru might be up for giving me a warm welcome home." Angelus' leer let me know exactly what he was thinking.

No, a whole world of no. I faked a yawn and made my eyes drift halfway closed.

"The girl's knackered and she's still not at full strength yet. I'll just go get her tucked into her beddy-bye."

Angel waved a hand. "I'm going to get some rest too, we'll start figuring out logistics tomorrow night." Spike nodded and I waved at Angelus as he went to find an empty room.

Jaw set, Spike wheeled us back to our room. Once the door was closed, he struggled to stand up, nearly dumping me on my ass in the process. I scrambled to the bed, lying face down before the sobbing started.

The bed dipped as Spike sat next to me. "I'm going to kill the git," he said, almost conversationally.

"Get in line," I growled. My demon was pacing like a caged lion. I understood Angelus' zoo animal comment better than I would have liked to.

"Neither of us are strong enough to take him. Not right now. We're going to have to play his game until we can come up with a plan." He patted my back.

"I'm sorry, Spike, I'm sorry." I rolled so my body was curled around him as he sat.

"Shhh, not your fault. Doesn't even sound like it was particularly Dru's fault. He made her everything that she is." His voice was bitter. "She's not really able to say no to him."

"Not just about that." I ran a finger up and down the side seam of his jeans.

"Talk to me."

"I promised you…and he…she…I'm not a virgin anymore." It felt like my heart was breaking.

"Yes, you are." Spike said firmly. He pulled me upright. "It wasn't you. The flesh doesn't matter."

"It should have been my gift to give."

Spike wrapped his arms around me. "Yes," he said softly. His hand caught my chin and he dragged my face up so our gazes met. "It doesn't matter to me." He said firmly. "I'll not have you beating yourself up over Dru and Angelus' actions because of how you think I'm going to feel about it. I can't tell you not to be upset, because it's something horrible that's happened to you." He hesitated. "Christ, I just want to kill him and go rampaging through the streets because you've been hurt."

"Me too." I laughed very faintly. "The demon's pretty upset."

"Yeah."

Spike actually shook himself, a bit like a dog. "Not the best course of action right now. In fact, I'm going to let Peaches think I'm stuck in that chair. He doesn't know any better, and ignorance is bliss." I nodded. "And you, tomorrow you're going to talk to your little friends and make sure they know Angelus is not a white hat anymore. And maybe you should go talk to one of those…people that know about stuff like…what happened. It might help."

"I'll think about it tomorrow."

"Okay, Miss Scarlett." He poked my nose.

"Who? Like in Clue? Miss Scarlett in the living room with the fire poker?"

"Not quite. Want a distraction?"

"Uh, sure."

Still moving slowly, he got up and rummaged through the ever growing stack of movies next to the VCR. Finally finding the right one he started the show and climbed back into the bed. We cuddled up together and leaned against the headboard.

The music swelled. Gone with the Wind.

Oh, that Scarlett. I'd never watched the whole thing, though, and allowed myself to get swept away. Spike fell asleep before the end, his head cradled on my shoulder. He was wrong, I was no Scarlett. I vowed, not to never be hungry again, but to never drive the man sleeping next to me to the point of not giving a damn.

Tuesday, January 20, 1998

I blinked and was sitting, fully clothed, in the bottom of the tub in my bathroom with the water pelting me. It was at least sort of warm. My eyes felt like I'd been weeping for a while.

Oh, Dru.

I was sore in a way I never had been before. I'd been preparing for something when I switched back, but I hadn't really known what. It hurt. I sat still for a moment, wanting to cry, but I seemed to have no tears left. I turned off the water and climbed out of the tub. I stripped out of my wet clothes. There was blood on my underwear. I should be furious at Dru for doing this to me, but I had the feeling she was already angry enough at herself. I was just sad. I wished I could talk to her and I hoped that Spike wouldn't be too harsh with her.

Wrapped in a towel I went back to my room and sat, somewhat uncomfortably, at my vanity. The bracelet from Spike was lying there. I put it on my wrist before I picked up the notebook. There wasn't a real note from Dru. Instead, she'd filled three entire pages, back and front, with the same two words over and over:

I'm sorry.