~21~

Graduation

What is it that you want, Keigo?

What would you like?

Let me do it.

Let me do it all.

Not like before.

Not like then.

I was selfish, then.

I'm selfish now, too. I'm selfish, but I recognise you as something separate, a being with needs and wants of his own (even if he doesn't realise them himself).

I'll do everything you want, just to see what kinds of things you like. I never learnt those things, not back then and not now, either. This is a little like it was before, isn't it? You seem nervous, just a bit. I'm concentrating too much to be nervous. This isn't about me. Like this, it was never about me. I didn't break you back then and I don't intend to now, so much the opposite... and under the bedside lamp I see your skin still lightly scarred in certain places. You turn the light off with an upturned hand. I don't mind.

If I have to cover every inch and centimetre of your body, I'll find somewhere that responds. Maybe you dreamt of this, in the past? The you that couldn't communicate your desires. What were those desires? Tell me, Keigo. Tell me now. You can't? Ah, well then. I can't do anything if you don't tell me what you want, surely?

There.

Alright. 'There' is fine. That place. This place. Anywhere my fingers touch, the warmth seeping through even my fingertips.

The last time we were like this was on the roof, wasn't it? And even then, it wasn't like this. I wasn't in the mood to be so conscientious. So when was it last like this? So long ago I can't even remember, and even then, it was different. You hold your hands above your head, gripping the headboard with a strength that varies. Before this, you'd be tied up, wouldn't you? I could tie you up if I wished, but I don't wish, so I won't.

You looked so pretty in a blindfold, though.

You really let me do anything back then, didn't you. It all returns as I deliberate over your body, remember what I put it through.

No, I don't deserve you. I don't deserve you at all.

And yet I have you. So I won't let you go. One would be a fool to throw away something so useful, and yet... is that all you are, Keigo? 'Useful'? Scissors are 'useful'. A desk fan is 'useful'. Are you merely a functional thing, some form of robot accessory?

Kata- kata- kata- kata-

Robots don't gasp when I touch them here though, do they?

Kata- kata

You can't switch off so easily.

Kata kata-- kataa-- kata--

This meaningless human ritual would mean nothing to a metal creation. Something formed through biological necessity, a required process. Something we ignore. Perhaps it's as meaningless as that to a robot, but your sigh makes it worthwhile. A full-body shudder, your toes pressed against the bedsheets, a sign of pleasure that you didn't need words to communicate. See, you're not entirely incapable, are you...? I understand you, Katsuragi. Like this. Here, like this, I understand you. The map of a human body is territory for my touch and there's nothing so complicated here.

With Takumu I felt that I could touch eternity, but that's long since lost now. Eternity is a childish wish, if nothing else; who would truly yearn for such a thing? Perhaps, rather than that, we should desire 'until the end'. A more realistic goal, but still one of sacrifice.

We could have done

a lot

worse.

I could have done a lot worse.

(I'm not so sure about you.)

Those things you admired about me, Keigo. All the things I hated about myself. All the things that others hated me for. The only reason you didn't hate me was because you wanted me and you knew that if you hated me alongside the others then you wouldn't be able to want me. And so you endured and you morphed into something that could accept me, some changed being that could see no wrong if I performed it. Such a thing does not however make us right, it only makes us both wrong. But we revel in that wrongness and who is there to judge us?

It's gradual.

I was helpless for Takumu and so too now are you helpless for me. I feel impassive as I watch but you're not looking, your eyes are sightless and your cries untethered. Let go, Keigo. There's nobody to hear us anymore. I don't want you to hurt, not like back then. Your skin is smooth and in creases moist, I run a finger down your arm and smile at the lack of friction.

Is this enough for you, or does it feel like there could be more?

Is this that frustrating kind of pleasure, the one that demands?

That is such as I was. And could likely still be, if I were to allow myself. Now is, however, not the time.

here

I'll do what you want me to do.

What do you want me to do?

Tell me.

It doesn't matter what I want. What will make me happy is if I can do what you want.

Isn't that a balance?

I learn new things about you.

Here, tonight, while it rains outside and the sun rises, I'll love you gently.

Perhaps will come a time when we're so far moved we'll fuck like beasts and enjoy it for the animals we are.

We're free to do that, Keigo.

Seirei doesn't bind us any longer. The rules of the Student Council, the expectations of the students, those are matters for other people now.

Now

Now

Now, there's only the two of us here. Nobody else knows of it, because it's none of their business. They don't care. Why should they?

Isn't this happiness?

Isn't this what you always wanted?

Isn't this what you couldn't tell me you wanted?

You can't tell me anything now, but I don't mind.

Your harsh breath is almost as a snarl in your throat.

Yes.

Harder, Katsuragi.

Give it up. Give yourself. Give it all, give it more, give it now. To me. To have. Because. Because you decided long ago that you were mine

and who am I to argue?

I have you because you gave yourself to me.

I didn't have to fight for you. You fought on my behalf.

You're strong, Keigo. Even if you won't believe it.

Perhaps by this logic, I too am strong. Maybe I'm strong in ways I don't realise

but I don't realise them

and so, to me, they don't exist.

Maybe this is why people need each other.

(It's because the two of us are fragile and imperfect that we'll stay holding hands forever)

Because we always presume the worst of ourselves. Because people like us could devolve into evil with nobody to call them pathetic. Because as well as our faults we have good points, but one of those faults is that we're blind to them. Because we can't believe that broken people like us could have any good points at all

and maybe we're all broken

in different ways

so maybe we can fix each other somehow, too

I see you as strong and you see me as strong and neither of us believe that of ourselves. So, together, in this unified whole we've created by ourselves, somehow, we're both strong.

Isn't this a balance?

I think that I might love you.

It's nothing so overtaking or dangerous as was with Takumu.

Only a fact.

A statement.

A truth.

A strength.

I'm inside you and you're wrapped around me and you seem so much more desperate than I am. Because that's what this is for you, the process of losing yourself to me, giving yourself to me to find. And for me, this is this, for me to find you. And to understand what we are. Which is this. Just this. As we were then and we are now, simply two humans who want. And not a part of me doubts that I love you because if I were to think on it then I might doubt and I don't want to doubt, I just want to believe. And I don't believe so wholeheartedly without reservation as I once did but I do a little, and that's something.

We're free, Keigo.

We're free to do whatever we want. Because you have your dream and I have you, and you're not Takumu and maybe that doesn't matter anymore. Maybe it's better this way. What would things have been like with him, do you think? I might have lost myself. I don't think he would have bothered finding me.

All his reality is now is a shining dream. A shining dream of a fairytale prince, and such things don't exist. And we are fragile and we are imperfect, but we're real, and so we're unbreakable and perfect but I still won't let go of your hand.

If we stopped now, we would end happily.

Keigo

... What do you want...?