Chapter 21

When Paul finally arrived home he was grateful to find the apartment in darkness. He didn't want to face anybody and had deliberately stayed away until an hour when he knew both Stephanie and Matt would have given up waiting on him and gone to bed. Rubbing his hands together, Paul felt his fingertips tingle in the warmth as they began to thaw. It had been freezing cold walking home. The funny thing was it was probably colder sitting down at the harbour but he hadn't noticed. At that time he had been too busy thinking about Stephanie but that was why he had gone there in the first place. He had needed to think. He had needed to come to a decision to try and fix this mess.

Sighing, Paul made his way to the kitchen needing some water. His throat was dry and his head hurt. As he flicked on the light, he jumped back startled. Her tired blue eyes stared back at him anxiously.

"I'd almost given up on you."

Paul swallowed thickly totally unprepared to see Stephanie sitting there. He shuffled his feet nervously. "I didn't think anyone would be up."

"Don't you mean you hoped?"

He bit down on his lip as he pushed back his hair with his hand.

"Where have you been?"

"The harbour."

"Paul, you've been gone for hours."

"Yeah, well I had a lot on my mind." he snapped back as he quickly walked to the refrigerator and took out the water. His heart pounded in his chest as he twisted off the cap. God knows it was unnerving him to be around Stephanie although really that was nothing new. The girl had the uncanny knack of turning his whole world upside down and had done ever since the moment his heart decided to fall in love with her. And it was a good chaos. Or at least it had been until the few days. Now the overwhelming joy he would feel at simply being around her was being replaced with the knowledge that he couldn't be with her. Stephanie belonged to someone else at least for now and he could no longer put on a brave face and be okay with that. Not after tonight and of course he knew they had to at the very least talk about it. But the truth was he had planned on putting any conversation off until the morning. He was tired. He wasn't exactly in the best frame of mind but he knew Stephanie had deliberately waited up to talk to him. It was quite clear he wasn't going to get away with heading straight to bed. Paul sighed as he took his water to the table and sat across from her. Deep down he knew was probably better to get it over with anyway because the longer this went on the longer he had to think about things and possibly change his mind. And that simply couldn't happen. Not for Stephanie's sake and not for his.

Paul took a mouthful of the water and the cool liquid provided relief to his hot throat. As he placed the bottle back on the table, Paul looked at Stephanie. He sighed heavily noticing she looked so tired. Her face was pale and drawn and it was obvious this whole situation was putting a huge strain on her. Stephanie was being pulled in so many different directions and it pained him to know that he was doing the right thing. Because God knows, he didn't want that to be the case. He would give anything not to do this but he had to. He was doing it for her. Stephanie came first and Paul cleared his throat before he spoke. Her big blue eyes were watching him intently stealing his breath away.

"Stephanie, we need to talk." he told her sadly.

"I know." she whispered.

Paul sighed softly tapping his fingers against the table. He nervously shifted in his seat. "The problem I just don't know where to start." he admitted.

"The beginning is usually a good place." Stephanie offered with a small smile.

"Yeah." Paul chuckled nervously.

He adjusted his chair so he was sitting directly facing her and allowed his brown eyes to connect with hers. Ignoring the heavy ache in his heart he began to talk.

"What can I say? I fell in love with you, Steph and it was so unexpected. I don't even know when it happened. I mean there's no exact moment I can pinpoint and say to myself, yeah, that was it. The moment I fell in love with Stephanie McMahon. It just kinda crept up on me I guess. Suddenly, I'd look at you and I'd get butterflies in my stomach. You'd hug me and I'd want that hug to last that little bit longer. I knew there was nothing I could do about it of course. And I was fine with that. I really was. I could handle keeping these feelings to myself right up until the point where you told me you loved me back."

He smiled at her tenderly and his brown eyes shone with his fondness as he remembered that night and their conversation.

"You know I'd never dreamed you'd actually feel the same way about me. I just couldn't believe that this amazing, beautiful woman was standing in front of me telling me she loved me. It all seemed too good to be true." His smile faltered as he glanced down at his hands clasping his fingers together. "And unfortunately, it was." he finished.

Paul slowly lifted his head to look at Stephanie once more and when he did he saw the tears in her eyes. He tried to ignore his gut instinct to pull her into his arms and tell her not to cry and that it was okay. But he couldn't lie to her. It wasn't okay. In fact right now, it was anything but. Still, he couldn't help himself. The instinct to touch her was way too strong. Paul reached out and took Stephanie's hand in his noticing it felt like a block of ice. His thumb grazed her knuckles slowly as he drank in her beautiful face wondering why the simple act of loving her had to turn out to be anything but. Why did everything have to be so damn complicated between them?

"I never really understood the whole "if you love someone, set them free" crap." he began as he watched her carefully. "I mean if you feel that way about someone, why the hell would you let them go when every part of you just wants to hold onto them so badly."

Paul swallowed hard as he watched a solitary tear roll down Stephanie's cheek and he squeezed her fingers gently offering her the little comfort he could.

"But this past week I've seen the guilt and the pain in your eyes. This whole situation is tearing you apart and I can't sit back and watch it happen. I love you, Steph. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. That's why I have to let you go."

"No." Stephanie cried out as she shook her head adamantly. The tears now streamed down her face as she gripped Paul's hand tightly. "That's not what I want. Paul. I don't want to lose you."

Paul felt his own tears burn his eyes but he refused to let them fall. He had to stay strong. He hadn't come this far to fall apart now.

"I don't want to lose you either, Steph." he told her. "God knows it's the last thing I want but I have to do this for both our sakes."

Stephanie's strangled sob echoed around the silent room breaking his heart. Paul couldn't help himself. He closed the small distance between them and pulled her into his arms holding her close. He kissed her hair and breathed in the familiar clean fruity smell of her shampoo. He closed his eyes committing it to memory. He didn't want to forget the way she felt or the way she smelled. He wanted to remember everything because after tonight, memories were all he would have to hold onto. Paul's grip tightened around the woman in his arms as he held her close.

"This just isn't the right time for us, Stephanie. And loving someone shouldn't be this complicated. We should be happy instead of feeling so damn miserable all the time." He rubbed her back soothingly trying his best to calm her down. "And you know what? Tonight only reminded me of what we're good at."

Paul paused as he pulled back and cupping her face in his hand, his thumb wiped away her tears.

"Friendship." he smiled. "I need my best friend in my life, Steph and if we keep going the way we've been going lately, we won't even have that. And I refuse to let it happen. I refuse to lose you."

Stephanie's heart felt heavy as she looked into his eyes. Paul's beautiful brown eyes. Every part of her ached knowing what he had said was right. This whole situation had been tearing them apart and as much as it was killing her to even imagine being without him, she knew letting Paul go was for the best at least for now. It wasn't fair on him to ask him to wait for her but yet she needed him in her life somehow. Losing Paul completely wasn't an option for her either so she would have to settle for the friendship he was offering her but she would only settle so long as she knew that there might be a chance of something more in the future. She could cope with that and live with that somehow. She'd have to. It was as simple as that.

Taking both Paul's hands in hers, Stephanie let out a shaky breath and rested her forehead against his. Her eyes closed briefly as she felt his gentle heat work its way into her. "If one day down the line the time was ever to be right for us to be together and I was to ask you out on a date, what would you say?"

There was a beat before Paul replied. "I'd say that you already know the answer to that question."

Stephanie's eyes slowly fluttered open as she looked at him once more. "Maybe I just need to hear you say it."

"Then I'd say yes." He smiled at her gently before slowly breaking away. His hand fell away from her lap as it reached up to brush her hair behind her ear.

"I'm so sorry, Paul."

He looked at her sternly cupping her face in the palm of his hand. "Hey, no apologies. You've nothing to apologise for."

"But….."

He placed his finger on her lips instantly silencing her. "I mean it, Steph. No apologies. Not between us."

She smiled at him gratefully.

"You look done in." Paul told her as he pushed back his chair distancing himself from her. "You should try and get some sleep."

"Are you trying to get rid of me?"

"Finally. She takes the hint." he joked but the tight smile that adorned his face didn't quite reach his eyes as he pushed back his seat from the table.

"So I guess I'll see you in the morning." Stephanie asked.

Paul nodded. "Sure."

She smiled as she stood up but that smile faltered as she was suddenly hesitant and even a little scared to leave him. She couldn't handle the thought that she had perhaps ruined things between them for good. That Paul didn't mean what he said and she could actually lose him. "Paul, things will be alright, won't they?" she asked feeling slightly panicked. "I just don't think I could handle any awkwardness between us."

Paul shook his head and his genuine smile allayed her fears somewhat. "Things won't be awkward, Steph. It will be fine. Trust me."

"Okay." she nodded managing a shaky smile in return. "Goodnight Paul."

"Night, Steph."

Paul stood motionless watching until Stephanie left the room. Only once she was gone did his smile slip and his brown eyes went dark with his sadness. Sighing, he walked across to the fridge and his hand hovered over the handle. An image of Stephanie's face flashed through his mind and he felt the ache deep in his heart. Letting her go had been the hardest thing he had ever had to do in his life but deep down, he knew it had been the right decision. Stephanie was so torn and guilt ridden over everything. He had to free her from that guilt. He owed her that much. Now all he had to do was keep faith that one day she would come back to him. And if she didn't…..well he didn't want to think about that. He just had to hold onto the belief that one day the time would be right for both of them.

Paul swallowed the lump in his throat as he leant back against the door. He closed his eyes and his heavy sigh filled the room as a solitary tear escaped and fell down his cheek.